Author's Note: Yet another angsty little drabble. Perhaps it takes place some time after Don't Look Back? This little 'universe', if you will, may -hint hint- become some story of redemption story by the way. Yeah, I know, I keep saying I'll write things. And believe me, I eventually will. I've been thinking: I may just make a series of one-shots and such, as I seem much more able to do them (at least at the moment) then I can chapter-like stories. Anyways, enjoy!
Kenobi
By Firnuial
"Lost
in my fears remembering what you said;
And I try to hide the truth
within
The mask of myself shows its face again.
Still I lie
time and time again.
Will you deny me when we meet again?
And
I feel like I'm falling
Farther every day.
But I know that
you're there,
Watching over me.
And I feel like I'm
drowning;
The waves crashing over me.
But I know that your
love
It will set me free."
—12 Stones, "Crash"
Kenobi.
It is a name that meant so many things to me. But now it is blurred, and I can barely remember where it came from. It holds almost as little meaning as Skywalker does.
Kenobi.
I have misjudged it, trusted it, revered it, tainted it, fought it, feared it, and eventually hated it.
But there is one thing that has remained constant, one feeling that I cannot doubt, even now. Throughout everything – and I mean everything, I have loved it. But sometimes, now – a lot of times, I struggle to remember what it meant.
It meant a mentor.
Someone I could look up to, someone I could trust. It was the man who gave his time in order to train me. To teach me everything I knew and to guide me on my way to Knighthood.
Perhaps it never should have been done.
It meant a father.
A person who loved me as a son. A man who protected me from the other bitter Padawans. Someone who would constantly be by my side, encouraging me and helping me. It was he who stood up for me in front of the Council; it was he who never doubted me. Never turned me away when I needed him.
It was a gesture of love.
It meant a comrade.
One who I could count on to always be by my side. To pull me through even the toughest of positions. To help me with the most dangerous of situations. Someone who wouldn't leave me, someone who needed me just as much as I needed them.
It was he who kept me from being killed by myself.
It meant a friend.
A man who wouldn't leave me just because the Council ordered it. Just because someone else told him to. A man who would always support me, even if it meant going against other authorities. Someone I could spend time with, share joy with. We could tell each other stories of our own adventures over and over and still laugh about it. It was understanding. Loyalty.
It was undying.
It meant a Jedi.
The greatest Force-wielder who ever lived. Wiser than Master Yoda. More powerful than Master Windu. More responsible than Master Qui-Gon. More loyal than Anakin Skywalker. But most of all, more important than Darth Sidious.
Which is why, even at this point, he is still cherished, while the man I once respected, the man I trusted more than perhaps I should have, I now hate.
It meant Anakin. Which was ironic, as to me Anakin meant entirely something different. Anakin meant traitor. Lost. Clouded. Manipulated. Unstable. Used.
But Kenobi meant a better Anakin. Confident. Caring. Dedicated. Kenobi meant stable, kind, forgiving.
It meant right.
It meant enemy.
It was he who I was ordered to hunt down. It was my task to kill him, as a great threat to the new Empire. He was the enemy, the thorn in all of our plans.
No, the Emperor's plans. Not mine. The Emperor's enemy. Never mine.
It was never really something hostile.
It meant hope.
He was the only one who had ever given me hope. Who had ever believed in the impossible. He was the only reason I was not now already dead by my own hand. But this meaning was slowly fading as well; it was almost entirely gone.
It had begun to disintegrate the moment he turned his back on me as I lay dying on banks of hot black ash.
But he didn't really abandon me. He abandoned Darth Vader. A killer, a murderer a slaughterer. A Sith. A disgusting servant of the Dark Side. He did not abandon Anakin Skywalker.
He did not abandon me.
However, as I look now at the cold, unforgiving stars, the name means none, and yet all, of these things to me. Those meanings are slowly being abandoned and forgotten in a bitter past. There is only one thing that I still associate with that pure word; a word I sometimes forget is even a name. A word I sometimes believe is nothing more than something created by myself to cling to my own dying sanity.
Kenobi. . .
Brother.