A/N: Spoilers. Crack. You have been warned.

Don't mind me. Just venting. You know, this is just a creative response to Chapter 219. Also, a shout out to XavierForest for dealing with my ramblings for this idea. Sorry I lied and said I wasn't going to write this, but here you go! I think it was supposed to be longer, but I ran out of steam pretty quickly. I also wanted to bring some other points in, like the fact that the bromance between Mana and Neah was utterly destroyed, but I don't think Allen cares too much about that. Guess it's just the fangirl in me.

Disclaimer: After that disaster—and yes, I did feel like it was a bit of a disaster—I have no qualms about disclaiming D. Gray-Man. Seriously, I hope Hoshino has a better chapter waiting for us, because if not…*insert really scary threat here*

Confessions of a Teenage Exorcist

—3rd Person POV—

~Lenalee~

Despite the crowding of people around her—their loud conversations reverberating throughout the expansive dining hall and blending into a muted buzzing that could not reach her with its warmth—Lenalee was only capable of feeling cold, a somber mood saturating her small bubble. She picked at her food, Reever's presence beside her the only thing that kept her in place, as she mulled over the loss of her comrades. Lavi. Allen. And now Kanda and Johnny. All gone. Lost to her. The grip on her fork tightened, bending it out of shape, because she should have been out there with them; supporting and helping them. Never before had she felt so helpless. It was worse than be being held down and strapped by the Order personnel, because it was her comrades' lives that were at stake.

The sharp tug at her sleeve launched Lenalee back to reality. "Not now—" Her mouth shut with a click, the diners throughout the room hushing to a dead silence. Her violet irises grew small against the white of her eyes, as they widened in astonishment, watching in frozen shock as shards of light accumulated into a luminescent Ark gate. And not a second later, Allen Walker himself stepped out.

No one made a move.

Seemingly, without a care, Allen hopped onto an empty table towards the back, pacing back and forth atop it, sighing loudly. "I really don't know where to begin," he initiated, and the sound of his voice only seemed to further freeze them in place. "But I just really need my thoughts to be heard, and hey, most of you think I'm a traitor anyway, as there's a Noah within me. Who better to tell this about than the very people who already consider me a threat?"

Allen finally turned to look at them, frustration burning in his silver eyes. "There were some recent revelations. And now, I have a confession to make!"

A pause.

"My dad is the Millenium Earl."

Dead Silence.

"True story," Allen nodded sadly, "But trust me, no one is more upset than me! I mean, how does one go from raising you as their own, to suddenly wanting to kill you at every turn?! Not only that, but at this point, it was probably Neah that he wanted from the start! How messed up is that?! And even worst; how in the hell did the Millenium Earl help me raise himself from the dead?!"

Still caught up in their horrified silence, the teenage boy did not receive an answer, but he continued nonetheless, "You know, I once thought the Millenium Earl to be—despite his absurd appearance—somewhat frightening, because who wouldn't be afraid of the guy taking and using the love between people to make puppets out of suffering souls? But now I go and fine that it's my dad?! Now all I see is the idiotic clown that wouldn't quit bothering me when I was a kid…"

Allen exhaled heavily. "Gosh, I don't even know what to say anymore… This whole twist is just so awful. It's basically a repeat of, 'Luke, I am your father'. Okay, I know writers have some sort of fascination with the protagonist having "daddy issues", but this is just getting ridiculous!"

At this point, no one even knew what the white-haired teen was going on about, but Allen didn't seem to notice as he hopped back down, backing away towards the Ark. "Thank you for listening! I know there's no solution to my issues, but I appreciate it, and hey, maybe Katsura Hoshino will redeem herself in the next update. And if she doesn't, I'll be sure to return and vent some more. You guys are the best!" And in a flash, he was gone.

Allen was her comrade; a close one, and Lenalee loved him for it, but… "I think Allen's finally lost it."

A/N: Like I said, crack. To be honest, I don't think anybody is reading this ridiculous one-shot, but if you are, you should review and tell me what you thought about Chapter 219. Seriously, I am craving other peoples opinions, so don't hold back (even if your views clash with mine. After all, that's what makes it so much fun!).

And for those of you who decided to read this without having read the newest chapter, I might as well explain it to you; according to Hoshino, Mana and Neah are the two halves that make up the Millenium Earl. Real disturbing, yeah? At least it explains his obsession with Neah. Oh Mana…

P.S. This totally shattered my head canons, meaning it shattered my plot bunnies for Forgotten Dreams. If you're a fan of that, please tell me how you feel about that story after this revelation. Because if you guys now hate it and want me to delete it, I won't argue.