A/N: This story begins the morning after Closer. Also, a huge thank you to everyone who requested a sequel, you all inspired me to continue this storyline :) Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: Not mine, merely borrowing
Olivia lay stretched out across the bed, snoring loudly. She was deep in sleep until a loud clatter interrupted her mid-snore and jarred her awake.
Grumbling at the noise, Olivia blindly reached for the cover to pull over her head. Failing to grasp it, she reluctantly opened her eyes and struggled to fully wake up. She let out a low groan as awareness seeped into her. Her limbs felt impossibly heavy; and despite having slept, she was still exhausted.
Olivia shut her eyes, tempted to go back to sleep. Lazily, she rolled over intending to rest a little longer, but the sunlight streaming through the curtains directly on her face gave her pause.
Olivia frowned in confusion; she was normally up before the sun, even on her days off. She reached for her phone on the nightstand to check the time, but her hand touched nothing but air. Blinking slowly, Olivia's eyes widened in surprise as the room came into focus. Her vision flitted from the window, to the bookcase, to the linens; nothing was familiar. This wasn't her room.
All dreams of sleep forgotten Olivia jolted upright, and immediately regretted moving. A stab of pain shot through her, and she clutched her head willing the ache to subside. Eventually the pounding in her skull diminished to a dull throb, and she dared to open her eyes.
Olivia tilted her head against the wall fighting back tears of frustration as the cold feeling of disappointment crept inside her. It had been a long time since she'd had a one night stand, and even longer since she had drank to the point of blacking out.
Moving much more slowly, Olivia settled against the headboard and tried to rack her brain for any memory of the prior night; but her mind came up hopelessly blank. A troubling thought began to form, perhaps she had something stronger than alcohol.
Olivia tried to push aside her rising panic, telling herself that she was jumping to conclusions until she glanced down at herself. Her fingers grasped the hem of the grey t-shirt, and she tugged at the tight fabric. Her stomach churned at the sight; those weren't her clothes. Struggling to keep her burgeoning fear at bay Olivia redoubled her efforts in scanning the room, desperate to find an explanation.
Her eyes caught sight of a nightstand on the other side of the bed, and she spied a picture frame resting on the corner. Reaching over, Olivia brought the frame close to her face and squinted at the photo. It was a dog being cradled by a blonde woman, a very familiar blonde.
Amanda, Olivia whispered in relief, tracing the frame. She exhaled slowly feeling her fear slip away, leaving only confusion in its wake. Olivia's mind ran wild trying to figure out what exactly had happened last night that resulted in her waking up in her detective's bed wearing her clothes.
Her worries abated, Olivia scooted to the edge of the bed and slowly rose to her feet, keeping one hand on the headboard for balance. As expected a wave of dizziness hit her, but she steadied herself until it passed.
Shuffling over to the door, Olivia took a deep breath in a futile attempt to calm her nerves before going out to face the blonde detective. Trailing down the short hallway Olivia turned the corner and found herself face to face with Amanda, Frannie pacing restlessly at her feet.
"Oh hey! You're up." The blonde grinned standing in front of the stove, spatula in her hand.
"Um-" Olivia began, but Amanda cut her off.
"Did I wake you?" she asked worriedly. "Someone," Amanda began, raising her eyebrows at Frannie, "got a little overexcited at the mention of sausage and knocked over her bowl," Amanda confessed, gesturing with her spatula at the kibble littering the floor.
"No, I didn't hear anything." Olivia lied, not willing to risk mentioning her disorientation and panic upon waking.
"Good," Amanda sighed, sounding relieved. "You needed to rest," she added.
Before Olivia could ask what exactly Amanda meant by that, the blonde continued.
"Normally I just have cereal, but I figured since I have company I'd pull out all the stops. So what'll it be?" Amanda asked, resting her hands on her hips. "And please say eggs, sausage, and toast because that's about all I can make," Amanda rambled on before Olivia could respond.
"Um, sure." Olivia agreed, slightly confused by Amanda's mile a minute speech.
"Great!" Amanda beamed, and immediately turned her back on Olivia to start gathering ingredients.
Feeling dizzy, Olivia eased into a barstool and took the time to study Amanda who was still steadfastly avoiding her gaze. As she observed the blonde's fluid movements, one thing became clear to Olivia. If she had been drinking last night, she was drinking alone. The blonde's perky attitude and rapid motions were in clear contrast to her hazy mind and aching body.
Olivia rested her head in her hands hoping Amanda would start talking and spare her the embarrassment of having to ask how she got here. However, as the silence dragged on it became apparent that the blonde wasn't going to volunteer information.
Unable to wait any longer Olivia started to ask Amanda what happened when Frannie paced by her, the dog's tail brushing against her bare leg. The sensation reminded her that she was still wearing borrowed pajamas and as she glanced at Amanda, clothed in leggings and a plaid shirt, she suddenly felt underdressed.
"Um, Amanda," Olivia interrupted, hating having to ask. "Where are my clothes?"
Amanda spun around, dropping the spatula haphazardly on the stove.
"Oh, right," she muttered, sounding flustered. Walking over to the sofa Amanda separated a small stack of clothes from a pile of folded laundry and handed it to the brunette.
"I uh, I hope you don't mind, but I needed to do laundry and since I was already washing I threw yours in too," Amanda stammered, unsure of how Olivia would respond.
However, thanks was all she said as she took the clothes from Amanda and headed to the bathroom to change.
Amanda headed back to the kitchen but quickly picked up her pace to seize the skillet away from the burner, narrowly keeping the eggs from burning. She tried to pay more attention to the rest of the meal, but her thoughts kept straying.
Amanda knew she needed to calm down; she was high-strung and evasive, and her behavior wasn't doing Olivia any favors. But, Amanda recognized, Olivia's presence was the source of her problems.
Amanda's sleep had been short-lived, and she wound up lying awake next to Olivia letting her mind run wild with all the possible scenarios the morning could bring. Choosing pessimism as the safest route, she had braced herself for the worst expecting Olivia to run out the door the moment she woke.
However, things were playing out differently and Amanda wasn't prepared for this turn of events. From the moment Olivia emerged from the bedroom, it became obvious that she had no recollection of yesterday and that made Amanda hesitate.
She knew she should have filled Olivia in right away, but the realization that there was a chance things didn't have to end as badly as she thought they would was too tempting to resist. So she danced around the subject, evading Olivia's questions until she could find the best way to tell her that wouldn't result in her leaving. Unfortunately there didn't seem to be one.
Frowning, Amanda realized she would have to bite the bullet and tell Olivia the truth. She couldn't keep her in the dark forever, and she figured it would be better if she explained what happened before the brunette had to ask.
As she plated the meals Amanda resigned herself to recounting the evening with the lone hope that her boss wouldn't shut her out.
The sound of footsteps shook Amanda from her thoughts and she turned around, sliding two full plates onto the table.
"Breakfast is served," she announced, noticing how much more comfortable Olivia looked since changing into her own clothes. As long as she could keep her at ease Amanda thought the conversation might not go too badly.
"It looks delicious, Amanda," Olivia complimented, pulling out a chair.
"Well I'm not the best chef, but I'd wager it's better than your attempt at dinner last night," Amanda cagily joked probing to see if recognition would flare, but Olivia's expression remained blank.
Sighing, Amanda set down the silverware and took a seat next to Olivia.
"What exactly do you remember?" she asked bluntly, deciding to get right to the point.
Olivia looked relieved that Amanda had broached the topic, but a frown soon appeared.
"Not much," Olivia admitted. She tried to recall the previous night, but her last clear memory was of going out with Fin to look for a suspect.
"I remember going with Fin to find Redding, but after that…" Olivia trailed off. "Did we go out after work?" Olivia prompted, uncertainly suggesting her only logical explanation.
"Um no, not exactly," Amanda began, fidgeting in her chair. "There was an incident when you went to arrest Redding."
"Is Fin okay?" Olivia immediately asked, her mind already imagining the worst scenarios.
"Yes! Yes, he's fine," Amanda hurriedly reassured her, "But you weren't," she continued.
"Redding was experimenting with mixing drugs. When you raided his place, you inhaled a full dose of his latest batch." Amanda confessed, carefully omitting mentioning that Olivia had unintentionally exposed herself.
"I was drugged? With what?" Olivia questioned, shock blossoming across her face.
"We're not sure. The lab is still testing, but were guessing at least ecstasy and meth," Amanda hesitantly answered.
"There was nothing else to do except let it wear off, and since you couldn't be alone I brought you here," Amanda finished quickly, fiddling with a napkin as she waited for the brunette to speak.
Olivia sat stiffly in her chair, opening and shutting her mouth several times before her questions tumbled out.
"What happened? I mean, how was I? Did I do anything…unusual?" she tentatively asked, willing Amanda to say no. Instead the blonde shifted awkwardly in her seat, and tried to choose her words carefully.
"It wasn't anything that unusual considering your mental state at the time," Amanda vaguely replied.
"Amanda," Olivia snapped, tired of the blonde's evasive behavior. "What did I do?"
Knowing her boss's patience was wearing thin Amanda ran her hand through her hair, scrambling for the right words that would downplay the situation.
"It really wasn't that bad Liv," Amanda promised. She shrugged nonchalantly, "You just got a little clingy."
"Clingy?" Olivia repeated, raising an eyebrow.
"It was nothing," Amanda stressed. "You know, just hand holding and cuddling," she hastily clarified. The moment the words left her mouth Olivia's entire demeanor changed, and immediately Amanda knew she had said the wrong thing.
Olivia's eyes widened before she stood up abruptly and paced in a small circle, tension rolling off her in waves. Attempting to calm her, Amanda caught her arm and turned her around to face her.
The sudden motion caught Olivia off-guard, and aggravated her headache. As she stumbled forward, one hand gripping her head, Amanda instinctively reached out to steady her, wrapping her arms around her waist in a one-sided hug.
"Whoa, easy Liv, it's okay." Amanda soothed. Resting her hand on the brunette's shoulder, Amanda tilted her head trying to catch Olivia's eye.
"Are you okay?" she asked, her brow furrowed in concern.
Olivia blinked as if suddenly becoming aware of Amanda's proximity and instantly pulled out of the blonde's embrace.
"I'm fine, Amanda." Olivia curtly responded. "Thank you for… everything," she gestured vaguely, a slight hint of pink tinting her face, "But I really need to get going."
This was the moment Amanda dreaded, and she couldn't help but attempt to prolong the inevitable.
"But you haven't eaten yet," Amanda pointed out, trying not to sound dejected, "and you weren't hungry last night so you've got to be starving."
Olivia shook her head. "I'm sorry you went through all that trouble, but I don't have an appetite right now. I'll eat something later," she vowed as she started to head for the door.
"Wait!" Amanda called, stopping Olivia in her tracks. "At least let me drive you."
Before Olivia could protest, she was interrupted by Frannie's shrill barking. At the mention of the word drive her ears perked up and she scrambled off the couch and over to the door, excitedly dancing around their feet with her tail wagging.
"Frannie loves car rides. She'll sulk for hours if I don't take her out now," Amanda explained with an exaggerated sigh.
Olivia glanced down at the dog, who was now peering up at her and whining softly, then she looked at Amanda who was making puppy dog eyes and pouting.
Fighting back a smile at the sight, Olivia relented.
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Any optimism Amanda had about her boss not pushing her away evaporated as they neared their destination. Persuading her to accept a ride appeared to be the extent of their interaction. She had tried to initiate small talk to relax the brunette but Olivia only gave one word answers, half-listening as she gazed out of the passenger side window.
Eventually Amanda gave up on conversation and settled for traveling in silence. Only Frannie seemed oblivious to the tension as she paced the length of the backseat from window to window, elated to be in the car and unconcerned with the destination. Finally, Amanda slowed to a stop outside Olivia's building.
"Thank you Amanda," Olivia said perfunctorily, looking down to undo her seatbelt before quickly exiting the truck.
"It was no problem," Amanda emphasized. "I'll call you later, or you can call me if you need anything. I'm free all day," she added.
Olivia gave a noncommittal nod in reply, then walked away. Amanda watched the door shut behind the brunette before she rested her head against the steering wheel with a sigh. All in all, Amanda figured, things hadn't gone as badly as they could have. Still, she couldn't help but be disappointed that nothing turned out the way she had hoped.
Impulsively Amanda pulled out her cellphone, wishing Olivia would call and ask her to stay. However the screen remained dark, so Amanda reluctantly put the truck in drive.
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The moment Amanda opened the door Frannie brushed past her and ran over to the dining table, staring intently at the untouched food. Her stomach rumbled on cue as she followed her dog to the table. Amanda slipped her plate in the microwave and glanced at the extra plate.
"Looks like it's breakfast for dinner." She muttered to herself as she wrapped the plate with foil.
Sinking into her chair with her plate steaming with reheated food, Amanda let her mind wander. The morning's events replayed through her head and Amanda critiqued her actions. She was berating herself for admitting how affectionate Olivia had been seeing as how that was the confession that sent her boss all but running out the door.
Jeez Amanda, you didn't have to tell her the truth. She never would have freaked out if you'd just kept your mouth shut. The moment the thought came to her Amanda immediately felt guilty for even thinking of lying. If she had forgotten an entire night she would want to know the truth, no matter how embarrassing it might be.
Tired of rethinking her own actions, Amanda tried to consider the situation from Olivia's perspective. She knew she had sprung a lot of surprising information on the brunette, it made sense that she would be overwhelmed.
Amanda found that she couldn't fault Olivia for wanting to be alone; if she was in her boss's shoes, she probably would have felt the same.
She just needs some time to herself, Amanda reasoned. She shifted in her seat trying to focus on her food, but she couldn't quite shake the brunette from her mind. Although she knew it was unlikely Amanda checked the volume on her phone and set it on the table, waiting for the call she doubted would ever come.
The sensation of a cold nose nudging her arm brought Amanda from her thoughts, and she patted Frannie's head.
"Well, it was nice while it lasted. Right girl?" Amanda mused, tenderly stroking the dog's soft fur.
In response, Frannie leaned closer and quickly gobbled up one of the uneaten sausages, then barked happily.
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Olivia rode the elevator to her apartment, lacking the energy to attempt the stairs. She shut the door and looked around, frowning at the mug of stale coffee sitting on the counter. Normally she was quick to clean up after herself, but she had been running late and wound up forgetting about it. As she poured the sludge down the drain, she heard her stomach rumble. Amanda had been right; she was hungry, but she couldn't handle being in the blonde's apartment for another moment.
Olivia opened her refrigerator and was greeted by decently stocked shelves. A few days ago she had finally followed through on her intentions to improve her cooking ability and purchased a variety of ingredients; however, she had yet to get around to actually cooking and right now all she wanted was something already prepared.
Letting the door close, Olivia ended up sorting through her drawer of delivery menus before settling on her usual Chinese takeout.
Olivia sank into the cushions of the couch, leaning her head against the armrest. Having given up on waiting out her headache, she took two pain pills and waited for them to kick in. The brunette tried to make herself comfortable, but the memory of Amanda's words kept her on edge.
She wasn't sure which was worse, not being able to remember her night, or now knowing a snippet about what happened. Olivia found herself almost wishing that Amanda hadn't given her any details.
The knowledge that she had behaved improperly towards Amanda bothered her deeply. Ever since she moved up in rank, she had prided herself on professionalism; but in one night she had broken her own principle.
The shame of yesterday was upsetting enough, but Olivia had to wonder if it was simply the fact that she had acted so out of character or rather because Amanda had been the recipient of her inappropriate behavior that troubled her more.
Although she tried to tell herself it was the humiliation of being drugged, she had a sneaking suspicion that the real reason she was so flustered was because of Amanda. After all, Olivia recalled, this wasn't the first time she had been exposed to drugs while on the job and the experience had been just as disorienting.
Elliot had been present to witness her actions, but she had still been able to brush it off without too much embarrassment as just another occupational hazard. Yet for some reason she struggled to do the same with Amanda.
Idly, Olivia wondered why Amanda had been the one to take her home in the first place. Because they were both women? Right now Olivia couldn't help but wish that she had gone home with Fin instead. They were much closer, and she doubted she would be feeling so mortified if she had done the same to him.
Fin had already seen her at one of her lowest moments, and he hadn't lost respect for her. He treated her the same as before, and she loved him for that. Perhaps that was what she was afraid of. That this would change things between her and Amanda.
Olivia ran her hands through her hair in frustration. Saying she and the blonde didn't have the best working relationship would be an understatement, they were at each other's throats more often than not.
Olivia knew she could be a little hard on Amanda at times but, she justified, the detective had a penchant for getting into trouble. Besides, Olivia thought, Amanda was resilient, nothing she said ever seemed to have much effect on the blonde.
Yet, in spite of all their disagreements, Olivia had the feeling that Amanda still somewhat admired her. But after last night Olivia knew that Amanda would look at her differently; how could she not.
Olivia eased herself up, drawing her knees to her chest in contemplation. Despite the fact that Amanda often got on her last nerve, Olivia grudgingly admitted that she liked having Amanda around. She was tenacious and not afraid to play the devil's advocate, yet she was also compassionate and trusted her instincts, all qualities that made her a great detective, and a good person.
Olivia bit her lip, feeling a little guilty; she knew she didn't make it known as often as she should, but she really did value Amanda's opinion. As Olivia mulled over her overlapping thoughts, she slowly came to realize two things; she feared losing Amanda's respect, and she didn't actually mind the idea of being physically close to Amanda.
Olivia sank back against the cushions feeling utterly drained and a little surprised that it took a mind-altering experience she couldn't even remember for her to realize how much she cared about the blonde.
The sound of her intercom buzzing shook Olivia from her ruminations and she sat upright with a start. For a moment she thought it was Amanda, and the brunette could have sworn her heart skipped a beat. She wasn't ready to face her yet.
Hesitantly moving to answer the intercom, Olivia let out a sigh of relief when the voice of the delivery girl echoed through the speaker.
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15 minutes later as Olivia settled back on the couch with her meal neatly arranged before her, she gave one last thought to the problem plaguing her regarding Amanda before she settled on the decision she had reached earlier while changing into loungewear.
While she was in the bedroom Amanda had called her as promised, and Olivia let it go to voicemail. She felt mildly bad for ignoring the blonde, but she needed to sort out her thoughts before she talked to Amanda. Not wanting to worry her and believing that the detective would come over if she didn't hear from her, Olivia sent back a text assuring Amanda she was fine.
Olivia had paced the length of her room half-dressed as she tried to figure out what to do. What she wished for more than anything was to undo the last 24 hours, but seeing as how that wasn't an option Olivia tried to figure out the next best thing.
She hated undergoing change, especially when it came to her relationships. Starting to see people in a new light meant having to define new boundaries and accept that certain feelings might not be mutual, which also meant that there was a lot of potential for things to go wrong.
Olivia had paused mid step, this was more than she was ready to deal with. She perched on the edge of her bed and considered her options. All she needed right now was for things to go back to normal, and if that meant acting like yesterday never happened then so be it.
The work relationship she shared with Amanda, while at times turbulent, was at least familiar. No, Olivia decided, it was best to pretend that nothing had changed, for both of their sakes, she rationalized.
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The evening passed uneventfully for the both of them, but morning brought a new host of worries. Amanda for her part had slept peacefully with Frannie happily reclaiming her spot at the end of the bed.
Her dreams had been a vivid recreation of the past night so intimate that she longed to go back to sleep after waking in the afternoon, thoroughly enjoying her day off.
Olivia, however, had a fitful rest. She had gone to bed shortly after dinner, having felt the exhaustion from earlier creeping up again. She expected sleep to come easily, but instead she found herself tossing and turning all night.
Her normally nonsense dreams had blurred with reality, and she couldn't determine fact from fiction. She gave up on sleeping in the early hours of the morning, rising slightly before her usual time.
Olivia sat up in bed shivering slightly. Her covers were strewn around her, she had kicked them off at some point during the night. Olivia gathered her blanket from the floor and draped it around her shoulders, resting her forehead on her knees. Bits and pieces of Friday night floated back to her, and she struggled to make sense of her memories.
She couldn't distinguish between what had actually happened and what was the product of her imagination influenced by Amanda's words. Not knowing what was true was somehow worse than not remembering anything.
Acknowledging that she would drive herself crazy attempting to draw her own conclusions, the brunette tried to push aside the intrusive thoughts as she got dressed for the day.
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Olivia strode confidently into the precinct, determined to get back to work and put the whole mess of Friday behind her. Right away, her plans were derailed.
"Lieu! What are you doing here?" the shocked voice of Carisi called as he bounded over to her.
Olivia turned to face the confused man.
"I work here," she responded, raising an eyebrow. "What are you doing here? Isn't it your day off?" she retorted, placing her hands on her hips and scrutinizing the detective.
"Well yeah but, I figured I'd cover your shift since I thought you'd be with… I mean after what happened-" Carisi stammered then trailed off seeing the deepening scowl on the lieutenant's face.
"I mean, glad to have you back Lieu. I'll just get back to work," Carisi rectified, edging back to his desk.
Olivia shut the door to her office with more force than necessary and leaned against it, pinching the bridge of her nose and trying to ignore the pang of remorse. It wasn't right to take her frustration out on Carisi, she knew he only meant well.
Taking a seat at her desk, Olivia made a mental note to make it up to him. Perhaps she'd ask him a legal question. She smiled at the thought, knowing how much he loved having the chance to openly talk about the law.
Her conscience sated, Olivia pulled out a pen and started on her endless pile of paperwork. She hadn't made much progress when she was interrupted by a knock at her door. Fin walked in bearing a load of papers and a grin.
"I guess it's safe to say you won't be looking in any more pots," Fin teased while adding his papers to her stack. "So did you have a fun time with Mandy?" he smirked, starting to pull out a chair but hesitating when he noticed the blank look on her face.
"What?" Olivia frowned in confusion.
Fin's smile faded, "She didn't tell you?"
Olivia sighed and closed her eyes, deciding to confide in her oldest friend.
"Fin, what exactly happened on Friday? I can't remember most of it." Olivia admitted, looking up expectantly, waiting for him to fill her in.
To her surprise Fin pushed his chair back in and stared down at her with his arms crossed.
"Did you talk to Amanda, Liv?" he asked in a chiding tone.
"Yes," she snapped, annoyed by the turn their conversation was taking.
"Then you should know," Fin replied matter-of-factly. He almost made it to the door before Olivia gave in.
"Okay fine." Olivia huffed. "We didn't talk that much," she confessed.
"Maybe you should. Seeing as how you spent the night together, she'd know more than me," Fin pointed out. He paused at the threshold then turned back to face Olivia.
"You can't avoid her forever Liv," he added with a knowing look, and Olivia wondered not for the first time just how much Fin noticed.
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The remainder of the day passed thankfully without incident. Immersed in the paperwork that had accumulated in the span of a day, Olivia rarely ventured outside her office and deliberately stayed late to avoid further attempts from Fin and Carisi to engage her in conversation.
As Olivia walked home later that evening, she pondered her strategy for tomorrow. Amanda would be back, and that complicated everything.
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The shrill ringing of her alarm clock sent Amanda scurrying from her bathroom, toothbrush in hand, to stop the offending noise. She couldn't suppress a self-satisfied smirk; for the first time in possibly forever, she was up before her alarm.
Normally it was a struggle to drag herself out of bed after two consecutive days off, but today she was looking forward to going to work. Olivia had ducked her calls and messages all weekend which frustrated Amanda to no end; but the brunette would be unable to avoid her at work, Amanda thought with a smile.
Mere minutes after she walked into the squadroom, Amanda realized how wrong she was. She had barely set her jacket down when Olivia emerged from her office.
"Amanda, Carisi, there's a possible vic at Bellevue, go check it out." Olivia directed, disappearing behind her door as quickly as she came.
The investigation ended up taking longer than expected and by the time they made it back to the precinct, Olivia had left.
Their little cat and mouse game continued for days with Olivia being conveniently absent every time Amanda was available.
By Thursday, Amanda had had enough. She was used to Olivia being dismissive towards her, but now she was flat out avoiding her and Amanda's patience had run out. Abruptly Amanda turned to her partner, stopping him before he could step inside the elevator.
"Hey Fin, would you mind going to see Warner by yourself? I really want to catch Liv before she leaves… again," Amanda muttered, letting her annoyance show.
Fin merely grinned and clapped his partner on the back. "'Course Manda, I imagine you two have a lot to talk about."
"Thanks Fin," Amanda smiled gratefully and turned to go.
"Amanda," Fin called, making her look back. "Don't let her push you away," he told her pointedly.
Amanda nodded, determination fueling her and she hurried back down the hall, unable to shake the feeling that Fin knew more than he let on.
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Olivia peeked through the blinds of her window. The office was deserted, just what she had been waiting for. She felt like a coward, sneaking around the building and hiding in her office, but she argued it was necessary.
She just needed things to go back to normal which meant avoiding Amanda until the blonde no longer sought her out, or until her dreams stopped haunting her, whichever came first.
Quickly gathering her things, Olivia swung her door open and jumped. Amanda stood directly in front of her with her fist poised to knock. Amanda startled and took a step backwards, but she was fast to recover.
"We need to talk." Her tone left no room for argument and Olivia reluctantly acquiesced, stepping back to allow Amanda entry.
As Olivia sat down behind her desk, Amanda felt her bravado begin to fail. She wasn't expecting Olivia to give in so easily. Steeling herself, Amanda jumped right to the point before she lost her nerve.
"You've been avoiding me," she stated, careful not to make it sound like an accusation as feuds with Olivia rarely ended in her favor.
"I've been busy," was Olivia's clipped response. "Our schedules are unpredictable Amanda, you know that."
The patronizing lilt of her boss's tone infuriated Amanda, and she lost her resolve to hold her temper.
"Seriously Liv?" Amanda tilted her head in disbelief, "You're really going to pretend this has nothing to do with last Friday?"
"Amanda," Olivia began haltingly. "I'm grateful that you helped me and I apologize for having inconvenienced you; but it's in the past now, and I would appreciate it if we could leave it there," she finished, hating the words as she spoke them.
Amanda stared at her in stunned silence, trying to process what she was hearing. She didn't expect Olivia to divulge copious amounts of information, knowing her boss was rather guarded about sharing her feelings, especially with her, but she definitely didn't think Olivia would blatantly deny a problem that so clearly existed.
Amanda briefly considered letting the issue drop as Olivia obviously didn't want to discuss it any farther, and she knew she was perilously close to overstaying her grudging welcome. However, Fin's words echoed in the back of her mind and she decided to give one last attempt at getting Olivia to open up.
"Olivia…" Amanda started hesitantly, trying to figure out what to say.
"Rollins," came the terse response. Olivia barely spared a glance in her direction having preoccupied herself with arranging the already neat stack of files on her desk.
Her boss's complete disinterest combined with the return to formality incensed Amanda, and before she knew it she was on her feet.
"I'm sorry!" she yelled, making Olivia look up in surprise. "I'm sorry okay, is that what you want to hear? I don't even know what I'm apologizing for," she wryly chuckled, dragging her hands through her hair, "but I'm sorry for trying to be your friend or, or whatever it is that you think I've done wrong," Amanda cried, throwing her hands up in exasperation.
She leaned against the door, her voice tinged with exhaustion. "Can you please stop pretending something isn't bothering you, and just get the lecture over with so things can go back to normal," Amanda sighed in resignation, her fingers absently tapping the door frame while she waited for Olivia to snap at her. She knew she had crossed the line, but she was past caring. This needed to end.
She felt ill; that was the first thought that ran through Olivia's mind. Seeing Amanda shoulder guilt that wasn't hers to bear only amplified her own shame. Amanda's outburst had shocked her, and left her a little confused.
Olivia was unsurprised by Amanda's initial concern, Fin and Carisi had also been more overbearing than usual, but as the days passed they stopped trying to check in on her and she expected Amanda to do the same. The fact that she hadn't was puzzling.
Olivia knew she had been distant towards Amanda, but she honestly didn't think Amanda would mind considering the more often they had contact, the more it resulted in conflict. Yet Amanda had intentionally sought her out, and brought up last weekend. Olivia had presumed Amanda would be just as eager to forget about it as she was.
However, looking at the distressed figure before her, she realized she was wrong and that she had inadvertently hurt Amanda in an attempt to protect herself. She couldn't let Amanda blame herself for her own misguided intentions. She had to come clean.
"Amanda you did nothing wrong," Olivia said softly, getting Amanda's attention. "Please sit down."
Amanda pushed herself away from the door and moved slowly back to her chair, skeptical of her boss's composed demeanor. She expected to be midway through an argument by now, so Olivia's calm disposition made her wary.
"None of this is your fault," Olivia continued, sensing the blonde's doubt. "I don't why you thought that.
"Really," Amanda interrupted, sounding incredulous. "You practically ran out of my apartment, and you've been avoiding me ever since. Why would I possibly think I did something wrong?" Amanda scoffed, her voice laden with sarcasm.
The derision in Amanda's tone stung, but Olivia let it go knowing she had no room to argue.
"Making you feel at fault was never my intention," Olivia promised. "I wasn't thinking clearly when I left. It never even occurred to me how things might seem to you." A self-depreciating grin crossed her face. "From what I understand, it wasn't my finest hour. I just wanted to pretend it never happened."
"So you don't remember any of it?" Amanda queried.
"Bits and pieces have come back to me in my dreams, but not enough to form a coherent picture. The problem is I can't tell which parts actually happened, and which ones are just figments of my imagination," the brunette sheepishly admitted.
"You know you could have just asked me," Amanda couldn't resist pointing out.
"Well, I'm asking you now," Olivia implored. Seeing as how the evening had transpired into a state of confession and revelation, she may as well learn the whole truth. Ignoring her dreams hadn't worked the way she hoped, and not knowing bothered her more than she thought it would.
In retrospect, she could see how ridiculous she had been. Choosing to deal with her own jumbled thoughts when there was someone she saw daily who could fill in the gaps was a poor strategy, but fear had held her back.
It was one thing to imagine the compromising positions she had put them in, it was another thing entirely to have her fears confirmed.
"What's the last complete memory you have?" Amanda prompted, needing to figure out where to begin.
Olivia scrunched up her face, thinking back. "Leaving the station with Fin, we were looking for Redding."
"Okay, that happened pretty early in the morning, so I guess I'll start with-"
"Amanda," Olivia interrupted, preoccupied by the need to have her most troubling thought answered first.
"I have a vague memory of not wearing pants…" She trailed off, anticipation gnawing at her. She peered hopefully at Amanda, who had developed a sudden fascination in the ceiling, which only confirmed her fears.
"You were hot," the blonde mumbled, her cheeks reddening. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence before Amanda launched into recounting their night, hoping to hinder Olivia from making an excuse to leave.
She chose her words carefully, delicately striking a balance between being truthful and keeping the mood light. Upon finishing Amanda nervously waited for her boss's response, hoping she had managed to soften the impact enough to keep Olivia from running.
Olivia sat still, she had hardly moved at all during Amanda's narration and now appeared to be processing her words.
"I'm sorry I put you in that position," she said after a while, sounding contrite.
"I'm not," Amanda retorted, surprising herself. Olivia looked at her questioningly, and Amanda found herself unexpectantly continuing.
"Liv, I'm not upset. I don't know how else to convince you, but you weren't a burden." Amanda stressed. "I'm kinda glad it happened. Not that you were drugged," she hurried to clarify, "but…it just felt good to see you so comfortable around me." Amanda shrugged uneasily, feeling Olivia's gaze on her. "It was nice," she quietly murmured.
"Oh," Olivia breathed, shocked by the blonde's confession. "Well that's good," she stammered awkwardly.
A hush descended upon the room, and they steadfastly avoided the other's eyes, unsure of where to go from there until Amanda rose.
"I should probably get going," she announced, and they both relaxed as she stood.
"Have a good night," Olivia called to Amanda's retreating form while regathering her own items.
Amanda pulled open the door, but hovered at the threshold. She wrestled with herself for a moment before deciding to chance it. At this point she figured she had little left to lose, it was now or never.
"Olivia?" she tentatively called as she turned back around. The brunette looked up, momentarily abandoning her efforts to squeeze a few extra files into her bag.
"Do you want to go out sometime?" Amanda boldly asked, before she lost her nerve.
"To discuss a case?" Olivia inquired, an undercurrent of warning in her tone.
"No, I meant maybe we could go for coffee or something, and not talk about work," Amanda bravely corrected before falling silent. Her whole body tensed as she watched the myriad of emotions spiraling across her boss's face. Seconds ticked past before Olivia spoke.
"I don't think that's a good idea Amanda." Olivia said flatly. Her features settled into an expressionless mask and she bent back over her task, effectively ending the conversation.
"Right, okay. It was just a thought; forget I said anything," Amanda backpedaled, feeling her skin flush with embarrassment.
"I'll see you tomorrow," she muttered over her shoulder as she all but ran out of the office.
Amanda rehashed the last few moments in her head, kicking herself as she thought it over. You just had to push it didn't you, she chastised herself. They had almost ended on a decent albeit awkward note, until she ruined the moment.
Amanda grabbed her jacket from her desk where she had tossed it and hastily tugged her arms through the sleeves as she walked. She wished she had abandoned her whole plan of confronting the brunette, somehow it all backfired.
Despite Olivia being distant towards her before tonight, she had surely made things worse now. It was bad enough she let it slip that she actually enjoyed Olivia's presence, but then she had to go and ask her out.
Groaning, Amanda leaned her forehead against the wall feeling mortification wash over her. She probably couldn't have made a bigger fool of herself if she tried. Literally moments after Olivia expressed just how much she regretted having to spend time with her, she had to go and ask Olivia to spend more time with her.
Amanda smacked her hand against the wall in frustration. It was no wonder Olivia didn't want to be around her, she didn't know when to leave well enough alone. She knew she ran the probable risk of rejection, but that wasn't enough to stop her from taking the chance. The slim possibility of the brunette saying yes outweighed her fear of hearing no.
Olivia wasn't the only one who had a difficult week, but Amanda had the opposite problem. While Olivia couldn't remember, Amanda couldn't forget.
Her days were haunted with the memory of how close they had been, and she longed for more. As much as she tried, she couldn't quite extinguish the spark of hope that surged with the desire to turn Friday's acts into everyday reality.
Yet tonight had confirmed her worries. Olivia made it perfectly clear that she wanted to keep their relationship strictly professional, and despite how much it pained her, she would respect her wishes.
Amanda massaged her temples trying to clear her mind. She had to try taking a page from Olivia's book and leave Friday in the past. The memories could be treasured, but she had to put her dreams about the future to rest.
XXXX
Olivia felt a twinge of guilt as she watched Amanda leave her office. She hadn't meant to reject Amanda so harshly, but the offer caught her off-guard and refusing had been a kneejerk reaction.
Olivia sat back down, resting her head in her hands. She seemed to have a particular knack for hurting Amanda, she thought sardonically. So far all of her attempts at self-protection via isolation resulted in Amanda getting the cold shoulder.
The incident had forced them together, and untangling themselves from one another proved more complicated than she had thought.
Olivia dwelled on Amanda's request. It was only coffee, but somehow it felt like so much more and she had panicked. Amanda had been right, Olivia realized, the only thing the blonde had done was try to be her friend, and she put up a barricade in response.
Amanda's words resonated with her; she had genuinely enjoyed Olivia's company and that confession baffled the brunette the most. Despite everything, from her initial cold reception upon meeting her, to the numerous times she'd called her in her office to lecture her, and now last Friday, Amanda still wanted to be around her.
Olivia thought back to the first time she met Amanda. She grimaced as she recalled she hadn't given the warmest greeting; but it was still apparent from day one that the blonde admired her.
However, Olivia had brushed it off as hero worship assuming it would fade; apparently she was wrong.
She couldn't help but imagine how different things could be if she hadn't chosen to keep Amanda at arm's length. Vexed, Olivia knotted her fingers in her hair, hating that it took her so long to acknowledge her feelings for Amanda; now it might be too late.
The brunette felt her guilt begin to morph into regret. She had quite possibly blown her last chance of building a better relationship with Amanda. That realization made her stomach clench and Olivia winced in surprise; she wasn't expecting to feel such hurt.
Olivia jerked upright in her seat and scanned the hallway outside her office, half-expecting to see Amanda standing there. To her disappointment the area was depressingly vacant.
Standing so abruptly her chair toppled over, Olivia wasted no time carelessly throwing on her coat, not even bothering with the buttons, and slinging her bag over her shoulder. She hurried from her office with one thought on her mind. She'd let too many people slip out of her life, she couldn't lose Amanda too.
XXXX
Amanda repeatedly jabbed the button, impatiently willing the elevator to hurry up before Olivia left her office. The last thing she wanted right now was another encounter with her boss. She'd humiliated herself enough for one night, she didn't need to endure a painfully uncomfortable elevator ride on top of everything else.
Although, she figured, Olivia probably wasn't in a hurry to see her anytime soon either. She started to relax when the sound of rapidly approaching footsteps set her back on edge.
Cursing under her breath, Amanda looked for an escape. Briefly she thought about taking the stairs, but she knew she wouldn't reach them in time.
Gritting her teeth, Amanda resigned herself to what she assumed would be another lecture. Probably a list of reasons about why they had to keep their relationship strictly work-related, she thought grimly.
Amanda scowled, she knew she screwed up, she didn't need Olivia to rub it in. Thankfully, at that moment the doors slid open. She had almost made it inside when something held her back.
"Amanda, wait!" Olivia called, catching her arm.
"Yes, Olivia?" Amanda answered, fighting to keep her face neutral as she turned to face her.
"I'm sorry," Olivia exhaled. She paused to catch her breath and Amanda's eyes widened in shock.
"I didn't mean what I said…and I'm not sorry Friday happened either," she confessed, nervously tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. Amanda hadn't pulled away, and Olivia took that as a sign to continue. Letting her hand slide down Amanda's sleeve, she gently curled her fingers around her wrist, smiling when the blonde relaxed into her touch.
"If your offer still stands, I'd love to go out with you." Olivia admitted, anxiously waiting for the blonde's response.
Butterflies fluttered through Amanda's stomach as she took in her boss's words, and she didn't even try to suppress the genuine grin that spread across her face. Taking Olivia's free hand in her own, she leaned closer.
"Absolutely," she whispered.