It was so surreal. One minute he was in agony, hearing his teammates yell at him, trying to stop the bleeding, next minute everything was quiet and bright. There was no more pain. In fact for the first time in his life there was no pain at all. It was the best he'd ever felt.

"I must be dead." He muttered. He knew the risk of moving in front of the bullet to protect the team but he'd still done it. It was part of the way he could pay them back. If his death kept them alive then it was worth it. They'd probably been wishing him dead anyway. He'd betrayed the team, nearly killed Fitzsimmons, though he'd meant the pod to float. Who wouldn't want him dead?

"Wow! You really do intend to keep beating yourself up don't you?"

Spinning he saw a face that he recognised though he hadn't seen it in years.

"Will. I really am dead then." His brother had been dead since they were children so he must be right.

"Grant. No you're not dead. Yet. You're currently on the cusp, which has enabled us to reach you right now."

"Us?"

"You'll see. It's time for you to look at things in a different light. You've been beating yourself up for to long. So we've stepped in. We would've earlier but we can't reach you unless you're close to the afterlife."

"OK. Where am I?"

"Currently in a waiting room. But if you'll follow me we have something to show you."

He watched as Will held out his hand to him. Hesitating for a second he reached out and took it, immediately being filled with the feelings of home and longing. He'd missed his little brother. Cried for days when he'd heard he'd been killed. When he looked up from their joined hands he saw a scene he remembered. He was on the bus, playing battleship with Skye. He remembered it fondly as it was the point he later realised he'd begun falling in love with her. Then there was the not so good part when he remembered he was playing the whole team and it was all just an act.

"An act really? I know you're good bro. But you're not that good. You can't fake feelings like that." Will commented.

"I lied, Will. It was all an act."

The scene shifted showing him jumping out of the plane to catch Simmons, then shifted again when he tried to save Coulson. Again he saw him take a punch for May so she could defeat the super soldier. Then finally he saw himself in the hold of the plane, smiling as they'd finally saved Coulson.

"Really so all that was an act? You aren't happy there, having saved Coulson?"

"Yes I was but…"

"You had real feelings for the team."

"Why are you doing this Will?" Tears streamed down his face but he didn't try to hide them.

"I'm the ghost of the past. It's time you forgave yourself and saw things for what they really were."

"I'm a bad man Will. I did terrible things. I can never account for what I did."

"Yes. You did some bad things. But you're not a bad man. You saw what you did."

"It was just a mission to gain their trust."

"Really? So you had to jump out of a plane, nearly get killed a number of times and help save Coulson when it was detrimental to Garrett's plans? You're a better man than you give yourself credit for."

"I did those things. Just because Garrett made me doesn't change it."

"Oh so you have been listening to your therapist." Will seemed absolutely delighted. "Yes. You did bad things but you need to stop with your death wish. People do not want you dead. Besides if your serious about wiping the red from your ledger, shall we say, being dead doesn't really allow that. You did bad things Grant but you also did some amazing things let's not forget that."

It was too much. Tears that had been flowing freely down his face turned to torrents and he sunk his head into his hands and sobbed.

Finally gathering himself he looked back to Will something resonating that he said earlier.

"Ghost of the past? As in ghost of Christmas past?"

"Yeah. It's not exactly Christmas so we can't say that but it about fits. You always did love the Christmas Carol."

"But it's just a story."

"Sometimes story's have a basis in truth."

"But why me?"

"Everyone deserves a second chance Grant. You were determined to throw it all away doing something stupid. You had a terrible childhood Grant. It led you to make decisions you probably wouldn't have made if it hadn't have happened. It was decided it was time to show you that you really are too harsh on yourself."

"So I have another two to go?"

Smiling Will nodded.

"You have to go soon?" He didn't want him to go. He missed his brother.

"I'm afraid so. I'm glad I got to talk to you again. I don't blame you for what happened Grant. You were just a kid like me. It's time you stopped blaming yourself. You can't control everything. You're a good man. Listen to what the others say!"

He watched as Will faded from his sight and the memory around him. He found himself back on the bus facing someone who he knew was definitely not dead.

"Sam?" He questioned. He knew he wasn't dead, he'd seen him just this morning for his therapy session.

"I'm the ghost of the present and the person you know as Sam."

"Sam's not dead?" Horror filled him at the thought of loosing somebody he trusted.

"No. I took this form to provide you comfort. Though it was possible for your brother to speak to you before it was decided you would be better with someone familiar throughout all of this."

"Where are we?" It seemed to be a question he was going to ask a lot.

"Look."

Blinking down at the scene below him, he could see his body, battered and bruised, pale due to the loss of blood. Around him Simmons and Tripp rushed about trying to keep him alive. He didn't know why they bothered. It would be better for everyone if they just let him die.

"Because they care. You are as dear to them as they are to you."

"I hurt them. Nearly killed them!"

"True. But as is part of the human condition they forgave. As you should forgive yourself. They learned the truth as you are here now to do. And so they forgave."

"But I have to pay!" He yelled, know one was listening to him.

"Are there not other ways to pay other than your death? With the team aren't you doing things to keep the world safe and help people? Can't you do more alive than dead?"

"I don't know."

"Watch and learn."

Doing as Sam advised he watched as the team rushed around. The team didn't need him alive.

"I've diverted our flight path. We'll be at the hospital soon." May's voice echoed over the tannoy. "How's he doing?"

"I think he's stable." Simmons reported seeing a nod from Trip.

"Good." May replied.

Fitz entered the room carrying some sort of mechanical contraption.

"This should improve the blood flow and allow you to give him more fluids." He announced handing it to Tripp.

"He'll make it Fitz." Tripp squeezed his shoulder before he began messing with the IV bags that were attached to his body.

"I know you're a fighter Ward. Come back to us. I need my big brother."

He felt his eyes fill up with tears; he'd always thought of Fitz as his little brother but didn't think Fitz felt the same way. I mean he'd nearly killed him! Fitz moved to one side of the lab so he could watch but not be in the way. A swish indicated the lab doors had opened again and in stepped Coulson. He watched as Coulson strode over to him, and gripped his hand.

"Come on Ward! You need to fight. We're not giving up and neither should you. This team need you. I need you."

He watched in amazement as Coulson squeezed his hand, telling him how he couldn't give up and what he meant to the team and to him. He'd never known he felt that way.

"See. Your team don't want you dead." Sam commented making him jump. He'd been so quiet he'd forgotten he was there. It was a bit like therapy with the real Sam, he just let him talk. Occasionally commenting to try and change his views.

As Skye stepped up to his tortured body he felt his breath leave him all at once. Staying out of Simmons' way she bend and pressed a kiss on his forehead that he could have sworn he felt it as he floated above them.

"You can't leave me Grant. Who else is going to drag me out of bed to train? Who else will put with my nicknames? Please Grant."

If it wasn't already broken his heart would have shattered. He was hurting her. Something he promised he would never do again. Beeping drew his attention to the monitors and he watched as his heart stopped beating. Coulson grabbed Skye pulling her into his side as Simmons and Tripp began to work on his body.

"Come on Ward. I'm not loosing you!" Simmons grimaced as she began CPR.

"Fight Ward. Fight damn you." Tripp cursed.

The scene faded and he found himself facing only Sam.

"Your team do care. You are an important part of them."

He nodded not knowing what to say. He thought they hated him. They deserved to hate him.

"It's time for me to go." Sam patted him gently on the back before disappearing into mist.

"Now for the ghost of the future." Ward muttered looking around.

"Of two futures actually." Voiced Steve Rodgers as he came up beside him. Waving his hand the scene changed, showing a crying Skye. "This is the future if you continue on the path you are currently on."

"Skye." He breathed, wishing he could reach out and comfort her.

"She still grieves for you."

"I'm dead?"

"Yes. Though not from the current injury. You took a bullet to the head on another mission. Five years after she still misses you."

"But…"

"She loves you as you love her. The team tried to comfort her but can't. They too suffer from the grief of your death."

"I didn't mean…"

"Your actions have a huge impact. They love you, all of them."

"The other future?" He begged, not wanting to see anyone else so sad because of him. With another wave of his hand Steve changed the scene showing a simple house, with the team sans Skye pulling up outside. He watched as Skye opened the door to greet the team. He and Steve moved inside as they did revealing him sitting on a couch cuddling a puppy and a small person. Moving carefully he hugged the rest of the team and presented the small person to each of them. Everyone was happy to see him; it was the family he'd always dreamed off.

"I have a family?"

"Yes. One you deserve."

He watched wistfully until the scene changes once again.

"It can all be yours. But you need to stop trying to get yourself killed. It won't do anyone any good."

"I just…"

"It will take time but the first step is forgiving yourself."

"I know. I guess I hadn't realised how the other felt or what I could do by working with the team."

Steve glared at him for a second.

"It's a start."

"Why me?"

"Your just our latest project. You needed help. At least your less stubborn than the last one."

He looked at him in confusion.

"Natasha Romanov beat herself move than you. But we eventually got through to her."

The Black Widow went through this? Maybe he wasn't such a hopeless case as he'd though.

"You'll be fine." Commented Steve. "You're already part way there. You just don't know it yet."

"Thank you." He offered.

"Just remember what we've showed you. It's thanks enough. Now it's time for you to go back."

He came around to a beeping noise and the smell of strawberries. Blinking slowly he looked for the source of the smell surprised to see it was coming from Skye lying with her head on his bed. A look around the room told him they weren't alone, the rest of the team were all sprawled about on uncomfortable furniture fast asleep looking like they'd been there a while. Moving his hand slowly he gently brushed Skye's hair, allowing the silky strands to entwine around his figures.

"You're awake." He watched as she slowly raised her head to look at him properly. "I should wake the others they'll want to know you're awake."

"Let them sleep." He croaked, his throat drier than expected.

"What did you think you were doing? You can't keep trying to kill yourself?" She whispered somehow conveying her anger while not waking the team.

"I'm sorry." He whispered contritely. "I thought I was helping the team. But I see it just made things worse."

She blinked in surprise before taking his hand.

"Did someone operate on your brain while you were out?"

"I… It's hard to explain. It was a near death experience."

"Well at least something worked! I've been trying to tell you for weeks about this…" He let her ramble for a bit before pulling her gently towards him and kissing her softly.

"I'm sorry I worried and upset you."

"I'm always going to worry Grant. As are the rest of the team. We're your family."

"I know that now."

"Good. Now I'm going to wake them up so they can shout at you for worrying them." She grinned before kissing him again and moving to wake the sleeping team.

I'm sorry I had feels.