Diary of An Ordinary Citizen
Summary: Jump City seems to always be in danger from some super villain or another. All in a day's work for the Teen Titans, but what does you average citizen think of this?
Note: not serious
Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans.
Also, I love the show and any mocking of superheroes is just for fun.
Monday:
Aliens attacked yesterday. Looking for cute redhead. Yeah, I wish I could find a girl like that too, but they didn't have to go around blowing things up. It was really annoying. Plus, Mrs. Murphy's dog wouldn't stop barking again.
Eventually the aliens went away. Now there is a strange tower on that island near my house. The people there wear funny clothes and masks. The mayor says they're not crazy, they're superheroes! I'm withholding judgment until I see if their tower collapses under its own weight.
I mean come on, the thing's shaped like a giant "T", and the branches on the top have nothing holding them up. I bet a bird landing on that thing could tip it over.
Current Mood: Curious
Tuesday:
Tower is still standing. Maybe they do have superpowers.
Wednesday:
Weird noises and flashes of light coming from tower. Perhaps I spoke too soon.
Thursday:
Tower back to normal. Mayor says city was saved from HIVE. HIVE???
Whatever.
Friday:
Next door neighbors in news a lot. Called "Teen Titans". Not sure how much of this I can take seriously. Possessed puppets and aliens and mysterious masked men. Our newspaper is beginning to resemble a tabloid.
Apparently we're in the news in other cities, too. My sister called, wanting to know what it was like to have superheroes live next door. I told her it was like having squirrels live in the attic. (Lots of strange noises and a collection of nuts.)
Saturday:
Neighbors seem to be here to stay. Thought about bringing them a welcome basket, but it's been a while since they moved in. It might be awkward. What am I supposed to say? "Hey not so new neighbors, here's a welcome gift. It's late because I was afraid your architecturally unsound tower was going to collapse on me, no offense intended." Yeah. Awkward.
Dog barked all through night. Told Mrs. Murphy noise pollution is illegal. Was bitten by her dog. She laughed.
Would complain to police, but they're too busy with this new wave of criminals.
Where are the superheroes when you really need them? Probably off "saving the world" or doing something equally vague and questionable.
Sunday:
Heard that someone was stealing toxic waste. The Titans got it back. Not sure why we wanted it back, but good for them.
Monday:
Saw neighbors for the first time yesterday. Chasing after some car. Must have been stolen.
Anyway, aren't those guys a little short for superheros?
Tuesday:
Found out Titans aren't short, they're just not done growing. Can't believe the city is letting a bunch of underage kids live by themselves. What is this country coming to?
Also, the car they were chasing after was their own car. These guys are useless.
Wednesday:
Heard someone saw one of the Titans stealing something. Robin, I think. Can't say I'm surprised. I knew they were a bunch of juvenile delinquents.
Thursday:
Paper claims Robin was innocent, threatened by masked weirdo named Slade. I'm not buying it. Bet Robin bribed someone. Where do those kids get their money, anyway? They don't seem to have jobs. Well, they work but they aren't paid for it.
For that matter, aren't they already violating the child labor laws?
I don't see them attending school either. That's defiantly illegal.
Now I know why they wear masks…
Friday:
More villains plotting to take over city.
Saturday:
More aliens.
Sunday:
More villains plotting to take over city.
Monday:
The city was held hostage by a bunch of moths. Now I've seen everything.
Heard a rumor it had something to do with Robin's prom date. Should have known he'd be behind it somehow.
To top matters off, one of those bugs broke my window.
Tuesday:
Someone or another robbed the city bank. The hooded kid used telekinesis to throw my garbage can at him. He just dodged it, and it smashed against the ground. Next he (or is it she? I can't tell) uprooted my mailbox and used it as a weapon, still ineffectively.
Eventually they got the guy, but my yard was trashed.
Current Mood: Disgusted
Wednesday:
More weirdness. Villains rampage. Occasionally they turn out to be heroes who were possessed/infected/having-a-really-bad-day. All of them are eventually captured and taken to jail.
I've noticed they don't stay in jail for very long.
In terms of property damage caused, there's actually surprisingly little difference between "heroes" and "villains".
In fact, the main difference between them seems to be that heroes can break any law and not go to jail, while villains can break any law then break out of jail.
Thursday:
Another weirdo took over the city. Turned everything British; or rather, into some sort of British stereotype.
Every time the clock struck noon, we all had to stop whatever we were doing and drink tea. I don't think people in England really do that.
Eventually things went back to normal. I'm glad. I don't like tea.
And Ms. Murphy's dog somehow managed to rip the fender off my car. I'm scared of that dog.
Current Mood: Gloomy
Friday:
City was conquered by robots. Heard the girl leading them around was an ex-Titan. Why am I not surprised?
Saturday:
Reign of terror.
Sunday:
Some guy named Slade made speech. Titans are gone, I am all powerful, etc. He's clearly suffering from megalomania and could use therapy. Or a bucket of ice cold water dumped over his head.
Monday:
Reign of terror over. That was short.
The bad news is, the Teen Titans are back.
Tuesday:
Half the city was trashed by the robots. The other half was trashed by the Titans in their battle with the robots.
Most cities don't have these sorts of problems. Why us?
It all started when the neighbors moved in. Frankly, I think they're responsible. "Heroes" seem to attract villains like moths to a candle. Giant radioactive moths…
My sister lives in Springfield, and this sort of thing never happens there.
I wish I had retired to Springfield.
Wednesday:
Sister says I'm lucky to live in a city with resident heroes. I think she's off her rocker.
It's like having squirrels. Rabid squirrels with radioactive nuts.
Thursday:
The Brat Pack (aka the Teen Titans) chased some thief around the city. Robin did a cool trick on his motorcycle, using a car as a lift off to jump onto a bridge.
He used my car. While I was inside of it, no less. There are tire tracks denting the roof.
I've had enough of this.
Friday:
Wrote a letter to the editor, complaining about property damage caused by rampaging heroes.
Saturday:
Letter was criticized. Everybody loves their heroes. Property small cost for saving lives. They don't seem to realize that they wouldn't be in danger if the heroes lived somewhere else.
I'm still glad I wrote the letter. Wayne Enterprises delivered a new car to my house. Something about how the company was in favor of offering charity, helping the community, and supporting superheroes. Well, two out of three isn't bad.
The car is a dream car. Sleek, black and fast. If only I was a couple decades younger…
Sunday:
Took new car out for a spin. Can't figure out what some of the controls do.
Monday:
Had strange experience today. Car started moving on its own. Couldn't control steering wheel. Somehow it stayed on the road, even through multiple twists and turns.
Eventually ended up following the Titans, who were chasing after a robber. After they caught him, the car went back to normal.
Don't know what to think. Won't use car until I get it fixed.
Sent letter to Wayne Enterprises.
Tuesday:
Left car in driveway. Sometimes it disappears, but it always returns.
Wednesday:
On TV, news story on the Titans defeating another evil plot- this one by someone called Brother Blood. Brother Blood? Where do they get these guys?
I swear I saw my car lurking in the background. Am I losing my mind?
Thursday:
Was in car, looking for clues to strange behavior. Suddenly, sun went out. No joke. Saw Mrs. Murphy next door turn to stone. This wouldn't have been so bad, but everyone else turned to stone too. Not sure why I was safe, but car was glowing.
Current Mood: Too Scared to Open the Car Door
Friday:
Still stuck in car. Began pressing buttons out of boredom. A number of things popped up, including a giant drill, an invisibility field, a death laser, and eventually a bagged lunch.
Glad now I have something to eat.
This car is incredible. There's even a…you know. Which I'd be in trouble without.
I entertain myself by watching television on the mini-TV and listening to the radio.
Saturday:
Still stuck in car. Discovered the TV is really more of a computer. In fact, it has the whole Congressional Library stored on it.
Better yet, it has internet access. Killed time surfing the net. I have a personal attachment to the world wide web. After all, I helped design it.
Okay, I brought coffee to the people who designed it. The point is, I'm more "in" with technology than most people my age.
Wait, what's this "wireless" stuff?
Sunday:
Still stuck in car. Giant guy with red skin and horns passed by. Fortunately, I saw him coming and turned on the invisibility field.
I'm leaving it on. That guy freaked me out.
Monday:
Closed my eyes for a few seconds, and when I opened them the city was back to normal. No one seems to remember anything weird happening.
I wonder if I somehow I imagined it. Although it's not that much weirder than a lot of stuff that's been happening recently, so I think I'll take it at face value.
At least everything is back to normal now. Unfortunately, this includes Mrs. Murphy and her over-pedigreed mutt. Which bit me again. I wish I'd put a bucket over her head or something while she was turned to stone.
Bet one of the Teen Titans caused that whole mess. Or do you think I'm paranoid?
Tuesday:
Apparently my car still isn't drivable. I tried to take it to the park and ended up following the Titans around. I don't even like them! Sheesh.
Wednesday:
Aliens hit town again. This time they were running a restaurant. Hired green kid to work there. Eventually place exploded. I don't even want to know.
Thursday:
Mrs. Murphy's dog was going at my car again. I was about to run outside and try to chase it away, when the dog just disappeared. I looked all around the car, but I couldn't find it. And I kept hearing strange crunching noises.
I think my car is alive. And it ate Mrs. Murphy's dog.
Now I know I'm losing it.
But I can't say I miss the dog…
Friday:
I received a reply to my letter to Wayne Enterprises. It said the car was completely safe and I shouldn't worry about any peculiarities.
Current Mood: Suspicious
Saturday:
Decided to take action. Visited next door neighbors. Told the bossy shorty (Robin) about the car I got from Wayne Enterprises, and the way it seemed to be stalking him and his friends.
He got really mad (though not at me). Went to get the big metal guy. They took some things out of my car. A few weird beepy things and what looked like a camera. Said I should have no further problems.
Boy, was the short one mad. Someone is in for it.
Sunday:
Did a little research. I think Bruce Wayne is really the Joker's secret identity. They often disappear around the same times, and you never see them together!
I probably helped foil a super villain's plot.
Current Mood: Smug
Monday:
Took car for a spin. Didn't go anywhere on its own this time. Feeling almost nostalgic.
Tuesday:
Titans were lost in space, but they came back.
Wednesday:
Burglar tried to sneak into my house last night. Car ran him over a few times, then somehow managed to tie him up. It seems still be its old self, just not under anybody's control.
Not under anybody's control? Wait, is that a good thing?
Thursday:
Titans have been out of town a lot recently. Things are nice and peaceful. This confirms my theory that it's the heroes who attract trouble.
Friday:
Titans were captured by Brotherhood of Evil. Unfortunately, they escaped.
Now that is over, they say they'll be staying in town for good. I'm packing my bags.
Saturday:
Sold house for high price, to someone who thought living next door to superheroes was cool. Sucker!
Sunday:
Moved to Springfield. No more super villains. No more aliens. And best of all, no more superheroes!
Current Mood: Happy
P.S. I'm keeping the car.