One day, the was a fanfic author. And she had a mission.
She was going to write the BEST fanfic EVER.
So, she got on her computer and the horror began...
Hiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!! My name is SuperHyperPrettyFanficWritingGurl and this is my fanfic, and it's the WORLD'S BEST FIC, which you can tell by my use of REALLY BIG WORDS LIKE SUPERCALIFRAGILIOUSEXPEALLIDOIUS, which I don't even know how to spell, and the CUTE and ADORABLE way I CAPTIALIZE every OTHER word!
What? What's that, you say? Where's my plot? Where's the drama? What's the point? Who cares!
It's my SUPER-UBER BEST FIC EVER, remember? Who cares about plot and drama and funny things and all that CRAP! If you want that, you can read some other fic. Like something by arin, or Amora, or Freak Apple, or Early, or Doctor Strangelove, or L. Emmist or any of those authors at anirarepair! I mean, if you want this thing--this "decent fic" or whatever the crap you call it, then FINE! I'll just never, ever update my story ever ever ever AGAIN! And it's all be YOUR fault, you MEANIE-HEAD! I mean, okay, so it's not like I was ever going update my story anyway, since I demanded HUNDRED-KAZILLION-BILLION REVIEWS, but now I'm gonna blame it all on you with your expectations of plot and romance and a "good story", whatever the crap that is.
Oh, come on. Don't do the puppy dog eyes.
I can't resist the puppy-dog eyes.
Fine. Fine, fine, whatever you want.
I'll write a good story now. I promise. It won't just be me bitching because I have PMS.
You ready? Ready for the good fic? Okay, then!
SuperHyperPrettyFanficWritingGurl - Okay. Now the good fic starts.
**nothing happens**
SuperHyperPrettyFanficWritingGurl - I SAID, now the GOOD FIC STARTS!
**the Animorphs pop up out of a plot hole...I mean, a time-changer-porty-thing.**
Jake - Sorry we're late.
SuperHyperPrettyFanficWritingGurl - You damn better be sorry!
**the Animorphs GASP IN SHOCK**
SuperHyperPrettyFanficWritingGurl - What? What is it?
Cassie - It's just that, that, y'know...we don't swear.
SuperHyperPrettyFanficWritingGurl - You don't? What kind of [censored] teenagers are you, you [censored] [censored] goat [censored] eaters?
Marco - Um, normal teens?
SuperHyperPrettyFanficWritingGurl - Yeah, but normal teens swear from time to time.
Tobias - We're normal teens stuck in a kids' series. G, maybe PG-rated stuff, you know.
SuperHyperPrettyFanficWritingGurl - Oh. Do I have to keep it that way?
Ax - It would be respectful of Ms. Applegate's wishes.
SuperHyperPrettyFanficWritingGurl - Oh, SCREW MS. APPLEGATE!
Rachel - Holy [censored].
SuperHyperPrettyFanficWritingGurl - MWAHAHA! POWER OF FANFICS, I BESEECH THEE!
Marco - Beseech?
SuperHyperPrettyFanficWritingGurl - Shut up! **coughs** Now, like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by someone whose's name I won't mention...
**Marco rolls his eyes**
SuperHyperPrettyFanficWritingGurl - MWAHAHA! POWER OF FANFICS, I BESEECH THEE!
Ax - This could end very badly.
Marco - Thanks for your input, Mr. States-the-Obvious.
Cassie - Oh god, it's working already.
Tobias - What's working already?
Cassie - Can't you see that SuperHyperPrettyFanficWritingGurl is channeling the power of fanfics and turning us into our sterotypical selves that show no character development? Rachel - I wanna kill! I wanna kill! I wanna kill! I wanna kill!
Jake (oblivious to Rachel's change) - No, I didn't notice that.
Cassie - Well, of course you didn't! You're always the Clueless Leader Guy, so you wouldn't understand. Marco is Person-Who-Cracks-Lame-Jokes, and Tobias is Birdie-Who-Gets-One-or-Maybe-Two-Lines, and Ax is, as Marco already said, Mr. States-the-Obvious. Rachel is...
Rachel - I wanna kill! I wanna kill! I WANNA KILL!
Tobias - Psycho killer from Hell?
**Tobias then DIES HORRIBLY, HORRIFICIALLY AND SADLY because saying one more line would break his stereotype thusfore make this one of those "decent fic" thingies! Well, maybe.**
Cassie - Right. And Tobias is dead because [insert line above].
Jake - Oh. I think I get it now.
Marco - Well, DUH, Special Ed!
**Marco then bursts into hysterical laughter over his VERY LAME JOKE.**
Rachel (pointing at Marco) - I WANNA KILL!
Ax - That sound is quite annoying.
Jake - But wait, Cassie, who are you?
Cassie - I'm the-One-Who-Mysteriously-Gets-Everything, can't you tell?
Ax - Also known as Hermione Granger.
Jake - No, I can't.
Marco - Because you're CLUELESS! Ha ha ha ha ha ha...
**Marco gets killed by Rachel**
SuperHyperPrettyFanficWritingGurl - I HAVE DONE IT! [INSERT EVIL LAUGH HERE!]
Rachel - Kill?
SuperHyperPrettyFanficWritingGurl - No. But now, with the power of fanfics, I can mold the Animorphs series into whatever form I see fit! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Cassie - Oh dear lord.
Jake - What?
My name is Tobias. No, I can't tell you where I live; which really wouldn't matter because I'm a hawk who lives in a meadow, but I can tell you about her.
She's wonderful. Everything I've ever wanted in a girl. She's got guts and she's absolutely, terrificially, mind-bogglingly gorgeous. And smart. And wonderful.
I mean, just thinking about her long red hair...
What? Rachel who? Oh, Rachel. What? No, she wasn't the love of my life. She was crazy!
But, man, Mary Sue was a helluva chick. Yes, I said helluva, 'foo. You dare question the T?
Mary Sue was the best girlfriend ever. She was beautiful and sexy and forgiving and even found a way for me to regain my morphing power when I became a human nothlit for her, which I never ever would've done for Rachel. And she even does that special thing with her tongue...I mean, no she doesn't, because she's innocent and Elfangor's long-lost daughter, which makes her my half-sister, which makes our relationship HORRIFIC and WRONG, but I still love her!
My name is Aximili-Esgarrouth-Ishthill, and I am a l33T M4c| H@XO|2! Oh, wait, wrong fic.
My name is Cassie, and I'm depressed, miserable and suicidal because my relationship with Jake is going to the pits. I really don't know what to do. I mean, the only thing that really made us closer was that one time we...you know...near the lake at the Hork-Bajir Colony. Then that one time at his house...then that one time in the hay in the barn...oh yeah, and that one time at Marco's house. Then that one time underwater at the beach, and you know what?
My relationship with Jake is going pretty good, now that I think about it.
In fact, I think I'll go find him and we'll have another "heart-to-heart". Yeah, that's it...
My name is Rachel.
I like to kill.
Crayak wants me to kill Jake.
I want to kill Crayak.
And that Mary-Sue bitch for stealing away my Tobias.
In fact, I think I'll go do that right now...
My name is Marco and I'm very, very drunk, famous, and questioning my sexuality. Wait. Wrong fic.
My name is Jake and I'm EXTREMELY sad AND depressed AND capitalizing EVERY other WORD for SOME bizarre REASON. My life sucks beyond the telling of it, because I have the burden of leadership and I'm probably gonna have to kill my brother, and Cassie and I drifting apart...except from , you know, all those times we've "gotten together"...which sounds good right about now...
The fanfic author frowned at her computer. "Oh, these all suck." She scoffed.
Then she sat and twiddled her thumbs for a while, trying to think of a way to get A BAJILLION-GAZILLION-FIFTY-FIVE-THOUSAND-ONE-HUNDRED-AND-TWENTY-TWO-IMAGINARY-NUMBER REVIEWS.
Then she got a brilliant idea. And even did the weird Grinchy movement to go with it.
"Excellent." whispered the fanfic author. Then she began to write a brand spanking new fanfic...
My name is Aximili-Esgarrouth-Ishthill and I'm FLAMINGLY gay FOR no REASON, except TO get THE author MORE reviews. I'M also LITERALLY capitalizing EVERY other WORD, which IS really LOSING its COMEDIC value BY now!
Which is why I'm going to stop doing that. Plus, it also hurts my voice.
Yes, I know I don't actually have a voice since I don't have a mouth. I was hoping you, the reader, would ignore that. But you just can't, can you, you nit-picking nit-picker?
I'm also going to stop talking for the author. In fact, I think I'm going to start my introduction all over again.
Director that's come from out of nowhere - Action! Ha ha, don't you get my pun? Ax-tion?
**Rachel pulls off the director's outfit, revealing Marco.**
Rachel - Shut up.
Jake - Ax, start over.
Yes, Prince Jake. I mean...oh well, I guess that'll just have to be edited out.
Anyway, my name is Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill and I am flaming gay. Yes, I know I don't show much indication of this in the series unless you want to argue that uptight Andalite society has caused me to suppress my sexuality. Which still doesn't explain why I'm flamingly gay, but I'm just trying to get the author a kazillion-billion reviews. But I am flaming gay and I'm also very miserable because I'm deeply in love with Marco...
Marco - You're what?
Rachel - It's a fanfic.
Marco (embarrassed) - Oh yeah. I knew that.
**Jake sighs**
Jake - Ax, just go on with it. Maybe we can finish up this horrible fic by lunch.
Lunch? I mean, yes Prince Jake. I mean...I hope that gets cut.
I am the flamingly-gay-in-love-with-Marco Ax Ishthil...I mean, Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill.
I am very sad and miserable by my deep undying love is, and forever will, go unnoticed. Why?
Because Marco is straighter than a beanpole. What is a beanpole? Tobias, could you tell me?
Anyway, I am gay and lusting horribly for Marco, which is really kind of sad when you think about it, especially considering that if this were in-character, it would at least be the other way around. But anyway, I'm going to sit here and angst and mope over my love life, which will make the reviewers feel sorry for me.
**The Fanfic Author gets about 50 reviews, most of which contain the line "Poor Axy-kun! **huggles plushie**" and some which say "This was really well-written and all, but did you really have to make Marco and Ax gay? I mean, hasn't that been done fifty times already?". The Author kills those reviewers horribly and starts working on chapter two.**
Marco - Wait. Does that mean what I think it does?
Ax - Unfortunately.
**Ax then takes a break while Marco begins narrating chapter two.**
My name is Marco Insert-Last-Name-Here, and I'm in a lame-ass fanfic where I'm gay yet again, even though logistically speaking I should at least be bisexual and the Author's aiming knives at me, so...I'm gay and hiding it la-dee-da-dee-da. I'm also lusting after Jake as opposed to Ax, who we all know I'll probably end up doing the horizontal mamba with at least fifty thousand times by the story ends. Which reminds me, why do these kind of fics always have to have sex in them? I mean, even if I was gay or bi, which I'm not, stop giving me that matchmaking eye Rachel -- what makes you people think I'd jump in the sack with anyone as often as I could? It's really kind of degrading and offensive. But, looking on the bright side, if I have to have sex with one of the guys here, I could be worse off. I mean, Jake's a lot like my brother-who's-not, so that's just kind of icky...and Tobias is a bird who would kick my ass if Rachel didn't get to it first. And that's assuming he won't be kicking my ass for sleeping with Ax. Which, like I said, I could be worse off.
Not like I've ever thought about this. I'm just saying that, aside from the creepy-sometimes-looks-like-me-factor, Ax's human morph isn't that bad looking.
...and I didn't just think that. Oh god, I thought that. This...this is not good at all.
Jake, Rachel, and Ax - **utterly speechless and in case of the latter, somewhat scared.**
**Marco then takes a break as far from the others as imaginable.**
**The Fanfic Author then speeds through the rest of the fic, resolving the plot (assuming there is one), and going through all that getting-together stuff, and throwing in some jokes and Jake-lust, until we get to the point we've all really been waiting for...**
THE OBLIGATORY GAY MANSEX SCENE!
Marco and Ax - [insert various curses here]
The OGMS (come on, didya really think I'd spell it out again?), however, is so sick and vile and not for the eyes of children that I will instead just give you this edited version:
Love Marco moan Ax laugh food throbbing [insert term for male happies here] pain
pleasure beaver cartoons Ax manhood quiver Marco YES, YES, YES! pleasure Buffy ref
**Jake and Rachel saunter back on the set, with Cassie and Tobias.**
**Marco and Ax saunter back on to the set, clothed, looking either really sick or really...well, I'm sure you can imagine. Just pick whichever one you like best.**
Tobias - So. What'd we miss?
Marco and Ax - **glares of death**
The Fanfic Author, after finishing her (Oh, come on! Of course it's a girl! Only gay guys write slash!) wonderful fanfic got on her computer to discover she only had ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND REVIEWS! This just would not do at all! So, she set out to write something even more disturbing that would get her the BAJILLION-GAZILLION-FIFTY-FIVE-THOUSAND-ONE-HUNDRED-AND-TWENTY-TWO-IMAGINARY-NUMBER REVIEWS she so desperately longed for...
**Marco and Ax grow very pale, then look at each other, look at the author, and pale further.**
Oh, not you two. Jesus, are your minds always in the butter?
Marco - I think you mean "gutter".
SILENCE! For that, you shall be thrown into this next disgusting fic!
Marco - Aw, shit.
My name is David Cool Last Name. I am a sick sadistic mother-fucker. Hey, wait. Author? Author!
Do you mean that last part literally? I can never tell in these fics anymore, since most authors just use me as a vessel for their sick fantasies. Which, you know what? I'm really not into that kind of thing. I mean, sure I'm crazy and messed up, but that does not mean I'm into crazy painful sex! All I want is a girl I can really...well, never mind. But why don't I ever get that?
And what the hell is up with making me fucking queer in every other fic, anyway? I mean, sure, it's obvious that Short Stuff over there has "leanings"...
Marco - Hey!
But, as I was saying, I'm for the ladies. Right, Xena?
Rachel - David?
**Rachel flips him the bird**
Gladly.
Rachel - You want me to morph elephant and stomp your ass?
Marco - I want you to morph elephant and stomp his ass.
Shut up, faggot! You just want my ass and you won't admit it.
Marco - David, words cannot express how much I don't want your ass.
Oh. Sure. Anyway, what'd ya say, Xena? You and I ditch the midget and get a little freaky?
Rachel - How 'bout not? And since when have you called me Xena?
Hasn't it occured to you that we're horrifically out-of-character yet?
**The Fanfic Author has realized that David is dangerously close to revealing how crappy this fic is, so she switches to...**
THE THREESOME FROM HELL!
Also, again, edited.
Rachel love rod David whip chain candy Marco pain pain pain "Oh my god!" bare chest
love jugs bobcat insane laughter rape ph33r "Woohoo!" pleasure blah, blah, blah
**Jake, Tobias, Cassie, and Ax look up from their game of cards at the cries of "Kill us!"**
Jake - Think we should put them out of their misery?
Tobias - They'll probably do it soon enough. Anybody got a three?
Cassie - Go fish.
Ax - Prince Jake?
Jake - Yes?
**Ax points to Rachel, David and Marco, who are armed with chainsaws.**
Rachel, David and Marco - WE WANT KILL!
Back at her computer (or as Rach, David and Markie would call it, hell) the Fanfic Author gleefully checked to see how many reviews she got. There were only five.
Four of which came from a sane person and read "YOU SICK BASTARD!"
Then, there was one that came from a sick freak and read as follows:
"Damn that was hot! You should write more of this shit! Maybe some hot Rachel/Cassie/Melissa/OC action? Or how about a how fuckin' orgy?"
And with that glorious, insightful review, the Fanfic Author got an idea...
The Animorphs - OH HOLY GOD NO!!!
My name is Jake and I'm scared to death, I mean horny as hell, because the author's going to do horrible things, I mean I wanna screw my friends...guys, I can't go through with this fic...
My name is Rachel, and Jake, it'll be okay. The fic'll be over soon, and...
Is that Drode over there? Wow, y'know, I never noticed this before but he's damn sexy.
My name is Cassie, and Rachel, what the hell is wrong with you?
My name is Rachel and I think Drode's a damn sexy--
Prune. And my name is Marco.
Marco, shut the hell up. Rachel! Come back into the light! Drode is not damn sexy, it's the fic talking. It's the fic making you do HORRIBLE, HORRIFIC THINGS like SCREWEING David.
Oh, and my name is Tobias.
My name is Ax-insert-name-here-because-it's-too-damn-long, and I believe our efforts are in vain.
Meaning?
Who the hell's talking?
Shut up! It's fanfic, it's never specified who's talking!
And Rachel's...
Oh GOD, that's just WRONG.
The Fanfic Author - I agree, person-who-I'm-let-the-readers-guess-your-identity, but first...singing David!
David coughed a bit as he stepped up to the microphone. He looked around in ph33r, which is l33tzp34k for fear, in case you didn't know. It's one of those things like -- Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, aishiteru. -- using random Japanese in your stories that only anime fans understand.
Or, you know, big words. Like in Jinako-chan's sucky fics.
Anyway, David's gonna sing! Isn't that cool? Isn't it annoying how I keep underlining random words I think you should pay attention to, but aren't really that significant?
And did I just switch to first person just so I could explain that? Yes, I did!
Anyway, David, was looking damn sezsky in his black suit (which isn't a Threads of Fate reference OR spolier) that appeared out of nowhere. He looked around the room, which was actually an empty bar, looking very nervous. He coughed again.
But then, his magical, angelic, Justin Timberlake-esque voice sang these words:
"Can can, can you do the can-can? Can can, can you do the can-can? Na na na." David sang.
David even did a graceful, hot as hell dance move with his manbody to go with the song.
"Graceful? Hot as hell? Manbody? What, am I still in the damn sex scene?" David cried.
"No, I just think "manbody" is amusing." Said an extremely short brunette in workout clothes.
An extremely short brunette who is not the author. Where do you people get these ideas?
"But it wasn't as funny as you doing the Can-Can." The Short Not-Me Brunette added.
"Which was why, again?" David asked Short Brunette who is not Marco or me.
"To fulfill the songfic requirement. And now that's that is done with, we go to..."
The Short Brunette frowned. "Hello! We I say 'we go to', that means we go to..."
"To what?" David asked. The Brunette-Who-Is-Not-the-Author-Yeah-Right glared.
"Tu vas à enfer." Said the Short Brunette, who then whacked David with a wet fish, sending him to hell, which is what he deserves for trying to kill Tobias and Jake. And making Ax think he was Marco. Though, for the record, locking Marco in a closet was funny as hell...what?
The Short Brunette coughed and stomped her foot. She also glared. "David's in hell. Yay. Fanfic?"
Oh, right. Well, now that David's sung and was smacked with wet tuna we go to...
DISTURBING DRODE/RACHEL SEX!
Which won't be edited.
Really.
Swear it.
Oh, fine, I'm kidding. The only sex scene in this fic I could've described anyway was the Marco/Ax one and I don't think anyone wants me to...except disturbed horny people...anyway...
DISTURBING DRODE/RACHEL SEX! (For real this time.)
Drode prune happies "You're damn sexy!" "He's a PRUNE, you psycho!" Tobias crying babies
kittens "Oh, god, YES, YES, YES!" Rachel more prune happies Ellimist human "Dear god."
**Drode and Rachel come back on set, look at each other, and flee in opposite directions**
Rachel - Never again. The threesome was better than that.
**all sane readers, and Marco, wince**
The Fanfic Author (who did not send David to hell, even though that'd be a great idea for a fanfic) frowned as she read her screen. "Wait." She said. She read the screen again.
"What the hell happened to the orgy I was planning?" She asked herself.
And, somewhere, in some undisclosed location that's probably California, the Animorphs prayed to the God of their choice that she would never remember.
No such luck, kiddies. I'm sorry. I really am.
My name is Jake, and I'm only doing this because that way this horrific fanfic can end and maybe this sick, sadistic author will stop torturing us. I guess I should look on the bright side...I mean, this isn't a real orgy fic, it's a parody, but I'm still sick to my stomach.
But then again I will get to "bond" with Cassie. I hope.
Well, here goes. Someone please kill me.
"Blah, blah, blah. I'm the leader, blah, blah, blah." I said. My friends just nodded.
"Burden of leadership blah, blah, blah. Gonna kill my brother, blah, blah, blah." I added.
"Blah blah, feeling horny, blah blah. Want sex bad blah blah 'cuz I'm leader blah blah so strip now, damn you, blah blah!" I shouted.
And then we cut to...
THE MOST DISTURBING SEX SCENE IN THE HISTORY OF MAN!
The Animorphs sex horny pants love hole other love hole third love hole pleasure monkeys
Andalite [insert euphemism for genitals here] "Oh, god, HARDER!" "Ow, damn it!" robot
mind-shattering orgasm more pleasure snake trouser snake bra innocents "Wow." PUPPY!
We are The Animorphs.
We are out on a mission.
We are going to kill Jinako-chan for putting as through this HORRIFIC and HORRIBLE ordeal AND oh GOD, are WE capitalizing EVERY other WORD again? IT'S not FUNNY anymore, DAMN it!
And even if it was, we're gonna have to kill you. But at least you didn't throw in those Taylor/Tobias and Taylor/Visser Three ideas of yours. That would be so wrong it wasn't funny.
Well, that all said and done, prepare to die.
Even Cassie wants you dead.
Jinako-chan - Aw, shit. **runs**
Well, actually, it's not. There's still this scene where Jake and David get drunk and do the Can-Can, but since my life is in danger, I'm finishing the story here. Especially because Cassie's poking with a pitchfork, and it hurts a lot.
"Ow! Don't poke there, it's sensitive!"
"Wait. Who said that?"
"Didn't we do this joke already?"
Yes we did.
IT SUCKED ASS.
"Ellimist? What do you want?"
How do you suck ass?
"I refuse to answer that question."
I COULD ANSWER THAT QUESTION.
"For the love of God, NO!"
Well, then, I could answer that question.
"Elfangor?"
"I'm not hearing this, I'm not hearing this! La la la, I'm not hearing this!"
"I'll smack you with a bass if you don't shut up."
Can you suck bass?
"I'm the leader, blah blah blah!"
(For real this time.)