A/N- Okay, so in 2000 there was a four-part French miniseries starring my beloved Gerard Depardieu as Valjean. I've wanted to see it forever, but they only had a four-hour version out on DVD for ages. The complete six-hour one was released in French, so I scuttled over to eBay and bought myself a copy, but didn't realise that it didn't have any subtitles at all, French or English, until I got it. So I found out that I don't know French as well as I thought I did, but things worked out relatively well and I'm not completely lost. So, it started out pretty accurately, but then things started getting crazy and I decided that everyone should know about this movie, whether or not they speak French, so this is my abridged version of the Depardieu movie for anyone who wants to know what happens therein. It's meant to be funny, but it probably isn't. As OrestesFasting put it, this movie is cracktastic.

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We open onto a burning prison. Why it is on fire isn't really addressed, or maybe it is but I wasn't listening. Whatever.

Gerard Depardieu, bald and strangely reminiscent of those ogres in "Ella Enchanted," saves a guy from fire and exhibits super strength.

John Malkovich, speaking French VERY SLOWLY, rewards him for his valour by sentencing him to many, many more years in prison. Gerard ValDepardieu seriously considers attacking Javert Malkovich, but is restrained by some other convicts. Javert then wanders away to stare at some pictures of bald heads. No, really. He does. Jean Valjean is left to flashback to stealing the bread. Oh, so THAT'S why he's in prison! Thanks for clearing that one up. (Also, Jean was kind of hot as a kid. Not that Depardieu isn't lovable. Just not… you know… sexy.)

Meanwhile, two women are dancing together while their menfolk look on. This illustrates that they are young! And whimsical! And quite possibly bi! They're at a place called "The Smoking Dogs." No, really. There is blonde pretty one, who is clearly Favoudahlizephine, and her black-haired friend, Fantine. Yes, black-haired. They plop down at the table with their lovers, who tell them they have a surprise.

Well, we all know where this is going.

But no! Favoudahlizephine blabs to the menfolk that Fantine has a baby, or is going to have a baby, or something, and the guys get the heck out of there. Fantine is like, "Aw, they're going to get me champagne! That's sweet." And Favoudahlizephine is like, "Yeah… champagne… totally." Meanwhile the men jump in a carriage and ride off into the sunset.

Cut to that night, when Fantine and Favoudahlizephine are STILL SITTING AT THAT TABLE. Fantine's like, "D'you think they found the champagne yet?" No, Fantine. They're STILL LOOKING. Haven't you heard of the infamous Parisian Champagne Shortage of 1815?

Back in the flammable prison, Jean Valjean is getting his yellow passport, and Javert is gazing at sketches of bald heads again. Valjean says it's weird that his passport is yellow, because yellow is a gay colour. Also, I think he likes Tuesdays. Man, I suck at French.

Fantine sees an inn and a little girl playing out front, so she decides this is a good place to leave little Cosette. Okay, I'm confused. I know my understanding of French is kind of sketchy, but how could Felix not know that Fantine had his baby if said baby was a few years old? Did he somehow miss nine months of pregnancy and a birth? Unless time has passed since he left her? In which case a title card would be nice. Let's just say time has passed. Fantine spent a few years waiting for the boys to come back to "The Smoking Dogs," but they never did. I bet she even gave birth to Cosette while she was there. Whatever.

Anyway, Fantine wanders into the Sergeant of Waterloo and drops Cosette off with the Thénardiers. Also? Madame Thénardier is prettier than Fantine. Also? Azelma exists. Fantine wanders away, leaving Cosette in Madame Thénardier's arms, and Madame Thénardier starts making out with her husband, accidentally dropping Cosette. Cosette: "Ow!" That made me giggle.

Oh, right, there's a bishop in Les Mis! I'd almost forgotten. Well, he takes Valjean in to his Mansion of Inaccuracy. Jean gets up in the middle of the night and goes into the bishop's room with a knife, but decides not to kill the guy because he looks like Sean Bean and cries in his sleep. He steals the silver, blahdeblah, you know this part. The bishop saves his soul. Then Valjean meets Petit-Gervais, an adorable little blond kid who apparently carries a beaver around with him, and steals his coin. Then he sees the bishop's silver in his bag and he's like, "…crap."

Cut! Fantine is working in a factory and the forewoman is kind of a jerk.

Cut! Javert is being transferred to Montreuil-sur-Mer. We know time has passed because his hair is kind of grey-ish. He says he wants to meet the mayor, and then they take him on a tour of the factory. The mayor pops up. Fantine is working in the background like a good girl. Javert clearly doesn't recognize Mayor Valjean, even though it's Gerard Depardieu. They chat about Toulon or prison or something. Javert is wearing a leather trenchcoat. Yes, you read that right. Black. leather.

Thénardier writes Fantine a letter about how great Cosette is doing while Madame beats Cosette with a doll in the background. Also, he wants more money. Fantine writes back and gives her letter to the forewoman, who is apparently also Madame Victurnien, to deliver. The forewoman is like, "You can totally trust me not to read your mail, Fantine!" and Fantine is like, "Great!" and walks away. The moment she turns her back, Madame Victurnien rips into the letter. What a bitch.

Fauchelevant shows up in Madeleine's office to assert himself and remind everyone that he HATES Madeleine. Javert pops in to make sure everything's okay and this scene is kind of pointless.

Madame Victurnien fires Fantine for having a kid. Fantine's like, "But I'm really a great person!" and Victurnien tells her to take it up with the mayor. What a bitch.

Javert is riding along in his carriage and sees a whore. It's Fantine! He tells her to scram or he'll arrest her. Fantine has long hair and front teeth. And is dressed in RED. How OMINOUS.

Cut! Some guy is tying his cravat and threatening not to pay a disheveled Fantine for her services. But he does. Okay.

Javert tells Madeleine he saw a prostitute. Madeleine's like, "…Okay, that's swell. Thanks for sharing." and walks out into a crowd of people who love him while Javert lurks in the shadows and glowers.

Cut! Fantine is on a bed and Javert is reading her mail. WTF? He tells her that it's dumb to be a ho when you should just find work somewhere else. And they talk for awhile about something. Then Javert leaves, glowering over his shoulder as he slowly… shuts… the… door.

Fantine goes to a tooth-puller, who cuts her hair. But doesn't pull her teeth. Now she has a haircut just like Natalie Portman!

Javert is hanging out with Madeleine, which he seems to do a lot, and suddenly they hear that Fauchelevant is trapped under a cart! Gerard ValDepardieu runs out into the snow and saves the man who used to hate him! Javert is engulfed in the flames of flashback, and tells Madeleine that he reminds him of a convict while some guy with hilarious facial expressions looks on.

Cut! Fauchelevant is in a hospital bed, being tended by a young nun who is clearly the long-lost child of Angelina Jolie and Liv Tyler. Madeleine shows up and expositions that Sister Simplice has never told a lie. THAT'S Simplice? Oh my GOD. Fauchelevant expositions right back, letting Madeleine know that he loves him so much he would share a little gardening shack with him and tell nuns that he was his long-lost brother Ultime. Sister Simplice is unnaturally beautiful and I am confused.

Javert denounces Madeleine as Valjean. This takes the movie about five hours. I just did it in five words.

Cut! The creepiest thing I've ever seen. The Thénardiers are making out in bed, practically copulating, when Éponine and Azelma wander in. It still takes their parents a few seconds to stop macking on each other and rolling around. The girls tell them that someone is knocking on the door, so Madame goes to answer it. Then the little girls CLIMB IN BED WITH THE MAN WHO HAS PROBABLY NOT YET RECOVERED FROM HIS NEAR-SEX EXPERIENCE. And he tells them the story of his glory at Waterloo.

Meanwhile, Madame Thénardier has answered the door to reveal Javert. Loony is still very confused by this scene. Okay, so Javert says he's on his way to Montreuil and asks for a room and some food. Madame Thénardier whips back a curtain and reveals Tam! I mean… Cosette… and sends her out to get some wood. Cosette is weirdly enthralled by the leather-clad Javert as she wanders past him and out the door. Also, she's adorable. Madame Thénardier tells Javert he's going to have so much fun sleeping over! She served soup for Napoleon! Javert ices on her parade by informing her that he's a fan of the king. …Oh. Then they talk about Cosette, and I wish I had subtitles. Then Javert leaves. Good thing they sent Cosette out for wood, I guess. Javert passes the kid on the stairs and asks her how she's doing. Cosette's like, "Just great. See my bruises and dirty hair? And the way I'm fetching wood for you while you LEAVE? Yeah, my life is awesome." Javert stares at her nearsightedly and inappropriately as she walks away.

Cut! Fantine beats the crap out of Bamatabois for throwing garbage at her and making fun of her new 'do, so Javert arrives from Montfermeil and arrests her. Dude is fast. At the jail, Sister Sexy Simplice is wandering around pleading Fantine's case. Aw, they're gonna be BFF's! Madeleine shows up and demands her release even after she spits on his face. Depardieu brings the awesome.

Cut! Sister Sexy Simplice and Madeleine are in his office, and they are flirting. I don't even care; they are clearly, seriously flirting. And it's weird. Madeleine plays with his candlestick. Is that a euphemism?

Some later date, and Javert asks Madeleine to denounce him and fire him and stuff, and we all know this scene. He doesn't, also, Chapmathieu. Okay.

Madeleine is conflicted. He plays with his candlestick.

Sister Sexy Simplice is sleeping in a chair by Fantine's bed. Madeleine comes in, and they make eyes at each other for a while. He says he can't fetch Cosette, or something.

Madeleine gets a cabriolet from some guy, and he gallops away to Arras at top speed! At least, I assume it's Arras. The trial, anyway. When he arrives, everyone wonders why they thought this guy was Valjean, because he looks nothing like Gerard Depardieu. Whatever. Madeleine reveals himself and leaves.

Part one ends here.

Tune in for Part Two, which has the world's most hideous Marius, emo!Eponine, and a Gavroche who is apparently immune to aging.