Scully sat in the rocking chair nursing Faith. She stroked her head, marveling at the softness of her dark hair. It was like silk in her fingers. She touched her cheek, her ears, and back to her head. She was so beautiful, it made Scully ache.
She watched her nurse, her eyes opening and closing, her hand resting on Scully's breast as she ate. She grunted and made the little sounds that Scully loved, the baby symphony, she had called it and Mulder had laughed.
But it was like a symphony of sorts. Sounds and movement, playing together, rising and falling, reaching a crescendo, before falling silent.
Scully looked up as Mulder came in and placed a kiss on both their heads. He stood and watched Faith nurse, smiling as he saw her move her arm and then settle it back against Scully's breast. He stroked her tiny head and bent to kiss her once more.
"Is she almost done?" he asked quietly.
"Almost. I need to get her on the other breast in a minute. It's aching a little," she said, rubbing Faith's little feet through her bodysuit.
Mulder had picked her pajamas tonight. They were light blue with baseballs and bats on them. He shrugged when he handed her over, before he kissed Scully lightly on the lips and whispered "hips before hands." She smiled and he did too, walking out of the room, winking at her as he left.
"When she's done, your bath is ready," he said. "And I'll take this little one and get her to sleep."
She looked at him and felt her love for him increase, if that was possible. He had been so wonderful, not only since the baby arrived, but this past year. He had always doted on her, done what he could to help, but she usually tried to stop it. She loved it, but also felt guilty. It was a constant inner battle, one she was learning to stop fighting. He loved her and this was how he showed it.
"Thank you, Mulder," she said quietly, looking in his eyes. He nodded and smiled at her. She switched the baby to the other breast and she nursed for a few more minutes.
Scully took Faith from her breast and handed her to Mulder, while she fixed her top. He cooed at her as he kissed her cheek before moving her to his shoulder. He hummed and sang to her as he patted her back and walked around the room. Scully smiled at the sight that she never grew tired of, seeing Mulder be a father. It broke her heart and healed it all at once. They had been robbed of so much and yet here they were, in their fifties, getting a second chance.
She needed to stop thinking this way or she would start sobbing. She had been unbelievably emotional, especially for her, these past few weeks and she wanted it to stop. Mulder had been amazing during her outbursts, never shushing her, telling her it was okay, or placating what was happening.
He had let her rant, let her cry about dirty dishes, unfolded laundry, the tiny hole in the couch, and the dog in the commercial waiting for his master as she drove through the snow to get to him. That was recent and it really hit her hard. God, tears were unbiddenly filling her eyes and she tried to quietly stop them. No chance.
He looked over at her and gave her a small smile. "Dog commercial?" he asked kindly.
She nodded and covered her face, trying to stop the tears. It had gotten better, but she still had moments of uncontrollable crying. She knew about postpartum, of course, but knowing and experiencing it, were two different things.
She took a few deep breaths and stopped her tears. She moved her hands and Mulder was watching her as he patted Faith and rubbed her back. He smiled and she shook her head, wiping her eyes. She moved the nursing pillow from her lap and stood up.
She walked over to him and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him. He smiled against her mouth and kissed her again. She squeezed his hand and walked out of the room. She heard him start telling Faith one of their stories. She stopped outside the door to hear which one it was tonight.
"So, I met with the senator and he suggested there was something I needed to see in Puerto Rico. Well, what was I supposed to do, not go? I mean, I wouldn't go now, but of course I had to then. Well.. it all went tits up from the moment I got there. Oh, maybe I shouldn't say it that way. Hmm, it went wonky, that's better. So, I'm there and trying to figure out what's going on and there is this man there named Jorge…" she heard him saying to Faith, the rocking chair squeaking as he told her his nightly story. She smiled as she walked away and headed to the bathroom, so in love with him it was almost disgusting.
The bath was full and smelled wonderful. He had also lit some candles and had her iPod playing some relaxing spa type music. Yep, absolutely disgusting how much she loved him.
She took off her clothes, used the toilet, put her hair up, and then stepped in the tub. She breathed out and she leaned back. She closed her eyes and relaxed into the warmth of the water and the ambience of the room. It was perfect and she felt it helping her tired body immediately.
A few minutes went by and the door creaked open. She opened her eyes and looked at him. He was smiling at her as he squatted down by the tub.
"She's asleep. I don't know if I should be pleased or take offense. I thought my story was pretty interesting." he said, a look of mock hurt on his face. She laughed and touched his face. He leaned into her touch and closed his eyes.
"It's a very interesting story," she said, stroking his hair.
"Eavesdropping again?" he teased her, his eyes still closed.
"Hmm.. I like that story because, although I didn't know it then, and I would have denied it up and down if someone had said something, that was the first time you said you loved me," she said, watching him as she touched his hair.
His eyes opened and he stared at her, confusion on his face. She smiled at him and touched his lips. He kissed her fingers, but continued staring at her, waiting for an explanation. She laughed and put her hands back in the water. He knelt on the floor, leaning his chin on the tub. She leaned back again and swirled the water around.
"We came back from Puerto Rico, and we were in that surveillance room," she said, watching the water ripple at her touch. She looked at him and smiled, remembering the smell of that room, and how she had felt sitting there with him. "The tape you had brought back was empty and you were understandably upset. But you said that you still had your work, you still had me, and you still had yourself."
They stared at each other, both of them remembering that moment in that revolting room. She remembered the look on his face when she left, so sad and lonely. She touched his face again, her fingers wet, but he did not seem to care.
""I still have you." That's what you said to me," she said quietly. "You were so in love with me, even way back then, it was almost embarrassing."
He closed his eyes and laughed, moving his head back as he did. He laughed for awhile and she smiled as she rested her head back against the tub, closing her eyes, letting his laughter wash over her.
"Oh, Scully," he said, and she cracked an eye open. He shook his head and smiled at her. "I cannot deny that I loved you. Well, I can't deny it now, but I had to then. I have to disagree with you though, it wasn't the first time I told you."
She opened both eyes and it was her turn to look confused. She thought of their first year working together and came up with nothing. Nothing like the day in that sad room they had stuck him in, trying to break his spirit.
She shook her head and he smiled again. He ran his fingers across her arm as it rested on the tub. She shivered and he chuckled softly.
"I told you all the time, just not with words. How could I? How could I tell the person sent to spy on me, to report on my work, that the minute she walked into my office, she had affected me? You were the last person I should have been thinking about, Scully. Especially in the way I was.. but," he said, shrugging and looking in her eyes. "So, I had to tell you in the only way I could at the time, while even I didn't completely understand the enormity of what I felt myself. Think, Scully.."
He moved his fingers up her arm, and back to her wrist, slowing circling them as he stared at her. She felt that jolt of arousal she did every time he touched her. Since the beginning, he had done that to her. She smiled as she realized that was what he meant. His touch had been how he could express his love to her.
She turned her hand over and held his fingers. His hands were beautiful. Strong, soft but not overly so, his fingers long. She loved his hands and the way they could tenderly hold her, ease her pain, and also bring her to the height of pleasure. Of course his touch would be how he first said he loved her, he was a tactile man.
She brought his hand to her lips and kissed his fingers as he had done to her. He stared at her, smiling as she did it. His thumb stroked across her lips before he started to stand up.
"I'm gonna let you enjoy the rest of your bath. You need anything? Tea?" he asked, squatting still.
She shook her head and he nodded. He stood all the way up, groaning as he did. She smiled and he grasped her fingers and squeezed.
"Mulder," she said, as he walked to the doorway. He turned around and looked at her. "I loved you too, embarrassingly so. Still do."
He laughed softly. "Love you too, disgustingly," he said and walked out of the room. She smiled and took a deep breath, relaxing for a few more minutes.
Dressed and ready for bed, Scully stood watching Faith sleep. Wrapped, warm, fed, and happy, she slept peacefully. God, she loved her so much. Loved the tiredness she created, the pain of bringing her into this world, and the healing her body was going through as a result. It was all worth it, every bit.
Scully covered her with the soft pink blanket hanging on the bassinet. She touched her lightly, unable to stop herself. Faith did not stir, but continued to sleep peacefully. Mulder quietly entered the room and joined her. He rubbed Scully's back as they gazed at their daughter.
"She's perfect," he whispered.
"Yeah," she whispered back, turning around and heading to bed, ready to sleep for a couple hours before she needed to nurse again.
She laid down, covered up, and closed her eyes. She sighed as she heard the light flicked off before she felt Mulder getting into bed next to her. He sighed and then they were quiet, the combined breathing of the three of them the only noise in the room.
Despite the tiredness she felt, she needed to talk to him about something and she was not sure how to broach it. She took a deep breath, thinking of what to say.
"I can feel you thinking," he said quietly.
She opened her eyes and smiled. He had said that to her many times over the years. Of course he knew something was troubling her, he always knew. She sighed and he took her hand under the covers and squeezed it.
"Talk to me, Scully," he said, still quietly, his hand warm in hers.
She sighed. "This appointment tomorrow morning, it's the six week appointment," she said softly, letting it sit there. When he made no immediate response, she continued. "My checkup. To see how I'm healing, if I'm doing okay, all that stuff."
He was quiet again, waiting for her she knew. She sighed harder and then was quiet again. Still he waited.
"Sex, Mulder. It's the checkup to gain the go ahead for sex," she said quietly, but slightly annoyed.
"Ah," he said, letting go of her hand and rolling over to face her. She rolled over toward him and looked at him in the slightly darkened room.
They had put a nightlight in after Mulder had loudly crashed into the bed and hit his toe going to get to a crying baby in his sleep deprived state. It was weird to have one, but necessary to save Mulder's poor toes and to save the baby from the expletives that fell from his mouth.
He stared at her as they lay side by side, again waiting for her to speak. She touched his cheek and sighed again.
"I'm not ready yet, Mulder," she whispered, holding his face, hoping her touch would alleviate the sting of her words. "I.. I want to be, but.. I'm so tired. My breasts hurt, I still feel uncomfortable sometimes, I haven't gotten my body back to feeling like myself, and I'm so tired. I know we talked about the six week timeframe being almost celebratory, and I know you're looking forward to it, I'm.. I," she trailed off, trying not to cry.
"Hey," he whispered, taking her hand off his face and holding it. "Hey, we never said this was the date, no chance for change, not once. Scully, you went through a hell of a lot in the past, well the past year. It took nine months to grow her inside you, why would six weeks be enough time to get back to what could be construed as normal?"
She sniffed and closed her eyes. She took a breath and opened her eyes. He was smiling at her so sweetly, she almost burst into tears. God, she loved him.
"There is no rush, no timeframe. We will do it when you're ready and not a moment before," he said. "I know I'm not doing as much as you in the whole, nourishing our child now that she has emerged from your safe cocoon, but I'm tired too."
She laughed softly, sniffing again. Faith shifted and made some noises. They both froze, panic in their eyes, before she settled down and was quiet again. They both exhaled and visibly relaxed.
"It's 10:00, Scully. And we're in bed. Been in bed for about ten minutes now, " he said very quietly, his eyebrows raised. "As soon as you came upstairs, took her in the nursery, and I started your bath, all I could think of was that it was almost time to go to bed. I was thinking of these pillows and the way the bed has formed to my body just right, and how I was looking forward to lying down and closing my eyes. I'm exhausted too, honey."
She laughed quietly again and shook her head. "Mulder, you have been amazing with her, and with me. Don't think you haven't. Everything these last few weeks, has been fucked upside down and sideways, and you have been the steadiness in the chaos. I would have spiraled without your care. I know you've got to be tired too."
"Then it's decided," he said with a yawn. "Neither of us is in any shape physically, and dare I say emotionally, for sex. We'll go at your pace, Scully."
She yawned with him. They both smiled and he closed his eyes. She watched him for a few minutes, seeing the moment when he fell asleep, his mouth opening as he did. She touched his face again, and he did not stir. Definitely tired, she thought with a smile.
She moved her hand to clasp his and she closed her eyes. She listened to his breathing, Faith's quiet breathing, and felt a peaceful feeling inside her. Snug as a bug in a rug, her mom used to say. She smiled, indeed snug as a bug, taking a breath and joining them in dreamland.