This is a companion to Revisiting Old Memories, but it can be read alone.
I don't own The Host Club or the Song.
Kaoru POV
You must have been in a place so dark
"Hikaru…" It was now two years after Hikaru Hitachiin had ended his
own life. Two years of pain and absolute misery. I briefly wonder why
my thoughts are almost in third person. I suppose it's so I can feel
as if I'm talking about someone I don't know. Someone I've never met,
not my brother. Not my twin. Not my partner in crime for most of my
life. Just some random stranger off the street. Every year since It
happened, I think and I wonder how I never noticed that my twin was
losing to the darkness inside of him.
You couldn't feel the light
Why didn't he ever ask for help? Any of the members of the host club
would be willing to help him. Did he think that we would think less of
him? That's not even possible. Everyone has some rough patches in
their lives. We were like the light in his darkness. It pains me to
think that the dark was bigger then the whole Host Club put together.
Reaching for you through that stormy cloud
I had simply thought that he was upset about something. May he had a
design in his head, but didn't know how to go about bringing it into
the world. I tried to pull him back to me. I really and truly did. I
wish I was strong enough to bring him back. I might've been able to do
it too. If I could only go back in time…
Now here we are gathered in our little town
Flashback
I look around the room seeing all the people that truly care and the
ones that are only here out of obligation. The one's who never knew
him. It's almost like a small town, I can imagine that. All the people
here are the ones that live in the town. The people that care are the
friends and family. Everyone else is simply the other people that live
in the town.
End Flashback
Now we, the Host Club, get together the day After. Every year and we
remember the good and the bad. The fun and the sad. We are all that's
left of the small town.
This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd
"You always loved the attention, didn't you Hikaru?" this year I feel
slightly bitter towards him, and I don't hesitate to tell him that as
I sit on his deathbed. On this day every year so far I can see him.
His ghost I mean. He doesn't talk; he just watches me and listens to
what I have to say. Every once in a while his expression will change
because of something I said. Now he has a slight smile on his face, as
if agreeing sadly.
Oh, why that's what I was asking
"Why did you do it? Wasn't there another way to deal? Why, brother?
Why?" I'm crying and my brother, my twin, my other half smiles sadly
once again and shakes his head no. Then he points at his wrist and I
can see the scars that he covered with wristbands when he was alive.
They're part of me. That's what he seems to be saying.
Was there anything I could have said or done
As soon as I think that part of me screams and rages. YES!! There was
something you could have done! Baka! And another part, the more
reasonable one, says no, it was only a matter of time. I'm torn but
leaning towards yes. I ask him. He stands up, angry. No! He appears to
be saying. No! No! No! There's NOTHING you could've done! NOTHING! And
you said exactly what I wished you to say!
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
"I didn't know." I moan into the pillow and my fists clench as I punch
the ed. But. I don't feel strong. Not when I'm crying the way I am
with my brother watching me. "I'm you're twin brother and I didn't
KNOW! Didn't know how much you needed me. What kind of little brother
am I?"
God only knows what went wrong
"Hikaru." His name is nothing more than a pained sob I know.
And why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song
You're life always did seem like a song to me. A beautiful symphony
full of the most beautiful instruments. Now that symphony is nothing
more than a memory.
Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen as a 17 year old
You always were a bit impatient eager to get everything done as fast
as possible without thinking of the consequences. It doesn't matter
too much to you. After all, who can punish a dead person? You can only
punish those left behind.
Rounding third to score the winning run
You beat me at Life that's for sure. The winner is always the first to
die in my mind.
You always played with passion no matter what the game
You're a very passionate person Hikaru. You tried to tie up my lose
ends with a note. A note that I can sense is filled with all the
emotions you were afraid to voice.
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun
I remember when I entered our room to see you dead. You looked so
peaceful so happy as if this is what you had been looking for all your
life. You were like the sun. you looked almost as if you were sleeping
on the night of your wedding. That's how much you were glowing.
Oh why that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul
Oh God only knows what went wrong and why you would leave the stage in
the middle of a song
Now the oak trees swaying in the early breeze
Today I'm meeting the Host Club at your ultimate resting place,
Brother. It's a nice Fall day and there's a gentle breeze, the kind
you would've loved. And, it's surrounded by your favorite kind of
trees. Oak.
The golden sun is shining on my f ace
With the sun shining the way it is, it seems like a bad omen. It's too
nice of a day to be the day after. I wish it would rain. I wish that
the sky would cry for you.
Tangled thoughts I hear the mocking bird sing
It mocks my confused mind because I find myself thinking that, since
we are twins, two parts of a whole, my fate is linked to yours. On the
same day of you death. That's the day of mine. I just CAN'T leave any
loose ends the way you did.
This world really aint that bad a place
It can't be. Not if we will meet again. Wait for me Hikaru. I will
join you in the peaceful chaos known as Death.
Oh there's no comprehending and who am I to judge or explain
How can something so peaceful for you be so chaotic for me, Hikaru?
But I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasn't worth the fight
They were wrong
They lied
Now you're gone and we cry
The other Host Club members join me. We hold hands and hug and cry
together. And we read his grave.
It's not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song
Hikaru Hitachiin
June 18, 1992- October 7, 2009
Why?
Loved and remembered by the Host Club and Kaoru Hitachiin. His twin.
So what do you think? The song is Why by Rascal Flatts. It's on the
album Unstoppable. The ghost can be figurative or literal, depending
on your beliefs. In my mind though it is literal. I believe in ghosts
because it's hard not to believe in things you see and hear and feel
and talk to. Tell me though. Do you think the ghost should be literal
or figurative?
Note to everyone - This is dedicated to anyone and everyone,
especially those that have killed themselves, thought about killing
themselves, and or knows someone that has killed him or herself.
Thanks for reading and I hope you liked it. Happy Late Halloween!
(I wrote this the day after Halloween)