I Turn my Back on You
-A Bleach fanfiction
This is my first ByakuyaxRukia fanfic… it's purely "kyodai ai" readers. I do not own Bleach. Nor Rukia. Nor Byakuya. *sobs in the corner*
There are countless times when I turned my back on her—without hesitation, without second thoughts. Looking back, I realized how unfair I was.
The first time I did was when I adopted her. I couldn't even look at her. It hurts so much because she looks just like her. In the back of my mind, I know that she's not the one to blame. She didn't ask for it. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to look at her deep, confused eyes. Instead, I simply walked out, leaving her looking astonished like her brusque, red-haired friend who interrupted us.
I didn't know that that fateful and brief encounter would engrave in her mind that I didn't care for her—that I adopted her simply because she looks like my late wife. I didn't know that adopting her in the Kuchiki Clan led her friend to avoid her. I didn't know that by being indifferent and apathetic towards her made someone else take the role of the brother I failed to have become.
The second time was when she was sentenced to death. I know that I should be negotiating with the Central 46 to give her clemency, but instead I chose to tell her myself the date of her execution. I can still remember the disbelieving expression of my fukutaichou when I told her impassively and coldly that everything was decided. If not for that meddling, orange-haired ryoka, I would have crushed her with my own hands.
But my hands she held when I finally told her the truth. She took them with no hesitation—these hands that held her sister's when she passed away, and would have been dyed red with her blood had that ryoka didn't made me see…realize how important she is.
The third time had been during the Bount attack. I had been so afraid that that female Bount would kill her. When I took her home and saw how gravely injured she was, fear was replaced with hatred, followed by anger. As I knelt beside her, watching her sleep, I refused to leave her. But when I received the news that the Bounts were somewhere within my grasp, I stood from my position and left her.
Once again, I turned my back on her. I left her even though she needed my presence, my protection. When that Kurosaki Ichigo arrived during my fight with Kariya Jin, I realized, with a twinge of regret, that I never should've left her and let anger take control of me.
"Hey Byakuya. Why do I find you fighting so hard after refusing our help?"
Really, that brat never ceased to annoy me.
The fourth one had been during our fight in Hueco Mundo. I fought the Espada that dared to hurt her. I killed it with my own hands—with my own sword. Yet I felt no satisfaction, because in the end, she was still badly injured—more badly than the last one. Kotetsu-fukutaichou and Yamada Hanatarou were whispering among themselves how my arrival was timely. I was relieved, yes. But the guilt and regret was eating me—guilt because I wasn't able to prevent her from getting hurt and regret because I let her go without me by her side.
That's why when she finally awoke, I was facing the other way. It's not that I don't want to see her, it's just that I was afraid—afraid that when I look at her, I'll see her lifeless eyes, mangled body and worse, her own sword pointing at her throat. I brushed off her concern, though I can hear the sincerity and worry evident in her voice. I simply told her to rest, to gather her energy, for a greater fight will ensue soon.
The fifth and probably the most painful was when the Zanpakutou of all shinigamis were controlled by Muramasa. I found her fast asleep in my office, looking peaceful. I contemplated at first whether to wake her and take her back to the 4th squad's barracks because she still looked pale from her fight with Sode no Shirayuki, or simply let her rest. I chose the latter. I put up my usual façade and fought every single shinigami I saw. But when she found me and saw her broken zanpakutou, my perfect indifferent mask nearly slipped off.
Once again, I turned my back on her. For the sake of my pride and duty as the Kuchiki Clan's head, I betrayed the Soul Society, discarded my captaincy and worse, hurt my little sister emotionally. How can I possibly face her? I fear that my indifferent expression would fall apart once I see her face contorted with pain and agony. If that were to happen, my plan would be ruined and all my sacrifices were pointless.
That's why even though it hurts so much, I chose to fulfill my duty as the Clan's head first. It pains me to hurt her, but I'm the only one who can put an end to the battle…
"Nii-sama?"
I broke out of my thoughts. I hadn't realized that I was already standing and looking out from the window of my office.
"Uhm. I was ordered by Ukitake-taichou to go to Rukongai's 43rd district to exterminate a Hollow. He requested someone from the 6th squad to accompany me. Will it not be an inconvenience if I take Renji with me?"
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This time, I promised to do everything right. This time, I will not answer with my back turned.
This time, I will face her.
I turned around and saw her standing before my desk, looking at me and waiting for my answer.
Upon noticing my blank expression, she frowned. "Is everything alright, Nii-sama?"
I arranged my features and looked at her before answering.
"I see. Take Renji if you wish. It's better than seeing him wandering around wearing that disgracing pink kimono."
For a moment, I thought that she was about to laugh, for I saw the corners of her mouth twitching. But she quickly regained her composure and bowed respectfully.
"Thank you, nii—Kuchiki-taichou. I'll be taking my leave now."
The sun shone brightly and bathed the office with its warm light. Before she closed the door, I saw something on her forearm—something that I wasn't accustomed to seeing.
It was the lieutenant's insignia.
Yes, there are countless times that I turned my back on her. But there also countless times that she forgave me for all of them. Seeing the insignia on her forearm made my heart swell with pride.
From this point on, she will see not indifference but pride in my eyes.
From this point on, I will be a brother, not merely the head of the clan.
From this point on, I will never turn my back again on her.
-owari…
Author's notes: Yey! Finally done! As you can see, everything is just a flashback. This took place during the 18-month time skip (just typing the "18-month" makes me want to cry). I thought of writing this because our beloved Gotei 13 doesn't have any appearance in the first half of the Xcution Arc (okay, that's a lie. I just miss Little Byakuya that's why). Hope you like it!