Houston Drivers Suck
Author's Note: I heard on the news that Houston, Texas drivers are the worst in America. I am fairly sure that is because of Bro and Dave. Enjoy the show.
"Dave! Get in the car, we ran out of food!" Bro yelled.
Dave looked up from the computer.
"But we just bought five bags of Doritos." Dave replied.
"Dave, do not sass your Bro after he's eaten five bags of Doritos." Bro said sternly. Dave sighed and got up from the computer. He put on his shoes and walked out the door with Bro. They got in the elevator and ironically jammed to the Muzak.
They exited the elevator and the building and went out to their tiny ass Yugo and drove away. They epic music to their valiant journey was none other than the brilliant songstress KyaryPamyuPamyu. Because minnaouta is a bitching melody.
"So we need Doritos and what else?" Dave asked.
"Hot Pockets, AJ, Coca-Cola, and ramen." Bro replied. As he spoke his phone rang. Bro pulled it out and checked it.
"Ah shit, it's that girl from week. I promised I'd call her." Bro said.
"Do you ever call them back?" Dave asked.
"Nope." Bro replied simply. Bro answered the phone.
"Strider speaking."
Bro listened a bit, said "Uh-huh" and tried to drive with one hand. Dave didn't think this was dangerous because he had seen Bro do this several times after he picked up a honey from the club and put his arm around her. Because Bro forgot Dave fell asleep in the backseat. And Bro was drunk.
"Honey, I'm sorry I didn't call I've been busy with work... I do have a job, I work at home... Yeah, that's a job. I have enough money to provide for myself and my orphaned brother... I'm not- HEY FUCKER DON'T CUT ME OFF YOU DICK! Dave, you know what to do." Bro said referring to the driver who just cut them off.
Dave nodded and rolled down the window and flipped off the driver with half his torso hanging out.
"DICK!" Dave called out. The driver honked at him and continued on his unmerry way. Dave got back in the car, rolled up the window, and looked at Bro.
"Honey, I wasn't talking to you I was talking to the guy who cut me off. I'm driving to the store to get groceries... I didn't use you as a one-night stand, I fucked you in the morning too and at that other party. I think we might have a potential relationship together. I even think my brother might like you, here let me ask him. Dave, do you want to meet my girlfriend Sharla?" Bro asked. Dave looked at Bro.
"If you bring another one of your hookers back to the apartment I am burning all of your smutpets and Lil' Cal. The last one you brought tried to steal one of my sweaters." Dave replied.
"He'd love to... You want to come over sometime? Ok, here's my address..." Bro proceeded to give Sharla a fake address. Dave sighed, would he ever be honest with the girls he fucked? Not likely. Bro hung up and put his phone in his pants. He sighed and looked in the rear view mirror.
"Is that a cop?" He asked.
"Most likely, that happens when we flip off drivers and we hang out the window." Dave responded.
"Aw shit, we gotta lose him." Bro said settling into his seat. Dave grabbed the handle hanging from the roof, bracing for Maximum Cop Evasion Overdrive. Bro slammed the gas and zipped through the streets of Houston. They laughed as they turned corners at daring speeds and the sirens faded. When they couldn't hear the cops they pulled over at a random spot and got out.
"Get the license plate." Bro commanded. Dave ripped the plate off, it was only held on by duct tape and they hauled ass.
"So, are we still getting food?" Dave asked as they ran.
"Yeah, here." Bro said coming to a stop. They were in front of Indian restaurant. It wasn't very fancy, but it was owned by a family that could make some kickass curry.
"But what about food for the rest of the week?" Dave asked.
"Dave my bro you need to learn how to improvise. With the popo hot on your trail you do not try and buy some Nacho Cheese, you run like hell and get some curry and nan, understand?" Bro explained. Dave nodded and they went in. They ordered some food and two mango lassis. They ate, occasionally stealing each others food and left. The reattached the plate and prayed to the patron saint of licence plates that it wouldn't fall off and went home.
The next morning the cops and Sharla were at the door because they googled the name "Dirk Strider"
Author's Note: I heard on the news that Houston, Texas drivers are the worst in America. I am fairly sure that is because of Bro and Dave. Enjoy the show.
"Dave! Get in the car, we ran out of food!" Bro yelled.
Dave looked up from the computer.
"But we just bought five bags of Doritos." Dave replied.
"Dave, do not sass your Bro after he's eaten five bags of Doritos." Bro said sternly. Dave sighed and got up from the computer. He put on his shoes and walked out the door with Bro. They got in the elevator and ironically jammed to the Muzak.
They exited the elevator and the building and went out to their tiny ass Yugo and drove away. They epic music to their valiant journey was none other than the brilliant songstress KyaryPamyuPamyu. Because minnaouta is a bitching melody.
"So we need Doritos and what else?" Dave asked.
"Hot Pockets, AJ, Coca-Cola, and ramen." Bro replied. As he spoke his phone rang. Bro pulled it out and checked it.
"Ah shit, it's that girl from week. I promised I'd call her." Bro said.
"Do you ever call them back?" Dave asked.
"Nope." Bro replied simply. Bro answered the phone.
"Strider speaking."
Bro listened a bit, said "Uh-huh" and tried to drive with one hand. Dave didn't think this was dangerous because he had seen Bro do this several times after he picked up a honey from the club and put his arm around her. Because Bro forgot Dave fell asleep in the backseat. And Bro was drunk.
"Honey, I'm sorry I didn't call I've been busy with work... I do have a job, I work at home... Yeah, that's a job. I have enough money to provide for myself and my orphaned brother... I'm not- HEY FUCKER DON'T CUT ME OFF YOU DICK! Dave, you know what to do." Bro said referring to the driver who just cut them off.
Dave nodded and rolled down the window and flipped off the driver with half his torso hanging out.
"DICK!" Dave called out. The driver honked at him and continued on his unmerry way. Dave got back in the car, rolled up the window, and looked at Bro.
"Honey, I wasn't talking to you I was talking to the guy who cut me off. I'm driving to the store to get groceries... I didn't use you as a one-night stand, I fucked you in the morning too and at that other party. I think we might have a potential relationship together. I even think my brother might like you, here let me ask him. Dave, do you want to meet my girlfriend Sharla?" Bro asked. Dave looked at Bro.
"If you bring another one of your hookers back to the apartment I am burning all of your smutpets and Lil' Cal. The last one you brought tried to steal one of my sweaters." Dave replied.
"He'd love to... You want to come over sometime? Ok, here's my address..." Bro proceeded to give Sharla a fake address. Dave sighed, would he ever be honest with the girls he fucked? Not likely. Bro hung up and put his phone in his pants. He sighed and looked in the rear view mirror.
"Is that a cop?" He asked.
"Most likely, that happens when we flip off drivers and we hang out the window." Dave responded.
"Aw shit, we gotta lose him." Bro said settling into his seat. Dave grabbed the handle hanging from the roof, bracing for Maximum Cop Evasion Overdrive. Bro slammed the gas and zipped through the streets of Houston. They laughed as they turned corners at daring speeds and the sirens faded. When they couldn't hear the cops they pulled over at a random spot and got out.
"Get the license plate." Bro commanded. Dave ripped the plate off, it was only held on by duct tape and they hauled ass.
"So, are we still getting food?" Dave asked as they ran.
"Yeah, here." Bro said coming to a stop. They were in front of Indian restaurant. It wasn't very fancy, but it was owned by a family that could make some kickass curry.
"But what about food for the rest of the week?" Dave asked.
"Dave my bro you need to learn how to improvise. With the popo hot on your trail you do not try and buy some Nacho Cheese, you run like hell and get some curry and nan, understand?" Bro explained. Dave nodded and they went in. They ordered some food and two mango lassis. They ate, occasionally stealing each others food and left. The reattached the plate and prayed to the patron saint of licence plates that it wouldn't fall off and went home.
The next morning the cops and Sharla were at the door because they googled the name "Dirk Strider"