A Random Generated Story, a hetalia - axis powers fanfic

It all started when our (former porn) star, America, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling scarcely concerned, America poked a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved iPad was missing! Immediately he called his former cellmate, England. America had known England for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. England was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... pestering. America called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

England picked up to a very unctuous America. England calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters yawn before mating, yet albino cats usually flamboyantly belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting America. Why was England trying to distract America? Because he had snuck out from America's with the iPad only nine days prior. It was a enchanting little iPad... how could he resist? It didn't take long before America got back to the subject at hand: his iPad. England belched. Relunctantly, England invited him over, assuring him they'd find the iPad.

America grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, England realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the iPad and he had to do it aimlessly. He figured that if America took the time machine, he had take at least three minutes before America would get there. But if he took the fighter jet? Then England would be ridiculously screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, England was interrupted by five clueless marmots that were lured by his iPad.

England turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling angered, he aimlessly reached for his live hand grenade and aptly groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent-the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the lemur-infested moor, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the fighter jet rolling up. It was America.

-o0o-

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, America was out of the fighter jet and went charismatically jaunting toward England's front door. Meanwhile inside, England was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the iPad into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his George Foreman grill. England was relieved but at least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' England charismatically purred. With a skillful push, America opened the door.

'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering genocidal maniac in a time machine,' he lied.

'It's fine,' England assured him. America took a seat exotically proximate to where England had hidden the iPad. England panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.

'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But America was distracted. Giggling like schoolgirl, England noticed a stupid look on America's face.

America slowly opened his mouth to speak. '...What's that smell?'

England felt a stabbing pain in his love handle when America asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the iPad right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie.

A pestering look started to form on America's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place.

'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'.

America nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before England could react, America fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was plainly in view. America stared at England for what what must've been seven millseconds. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, England groped wildly in America's direction, clearly desperate. America grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. England let out a eccentric chuckle.

'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, America,' he rebuked. England always had been a little annoying, so America knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before England did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at him or something.

Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he gripped his iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

England looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from America. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for America. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. England walked over to the window and looked down. America was gone.

-o0o-

Just yonder, America was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind England's place. America had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one they latched on to America. Already weakened from his injury, America yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with his iPad.

About eleven hours later, America awoke, his love handle throbbing. It was dark and America did not know where he was. Deep in the muddy swamp, America was scarcely lost.

Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he remembered that his iPad was taken by the marmots. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, an oversized marmot emerged from the haunted thicket. It was the alpha marmot. America opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the marmot sunk its teeth into America's kidney. With a faint groan, the life escaped from America's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure. Less than three miles away, England was entombed by anguish over the loss of the iPad.

'MY PRECIOUS!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened potato. With a careful thrust, he buried it deeply into his taint. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about America... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day.

All that remained was the iPad that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant marmots, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.

Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

(SamishiiKaku owns none of this. She simply edited slightly and posted. Please contact SamishiiKaku for information on the original writers.)