Disclaimer: I do not, in any way, own Naruto, the small bit of South Park, or the songs used in this fic (Love Hurts by Incubus and edited Kyle's Mom is a Bitch from South Park).
Notes: I thought up this story in a caffeine induced high while I was thinking up ideas for a different fic I am planning to write. I was actually watching a rerun of South Park and listening to 'Love Hurts' on my laptop and this idea just popped into my head.
Warnings: OOCness, Female Naruto and Haku, Sakura bashing, Yuri, Language (excessive use of the word 'bitch'), Pure and Utter Crack.
If any of these things offends you, stop being a bitch, just click the back button or the close button rather than wasting your time flaming me.
Just kidding, but really just leave if you do not like it.
Timeline: I would put this just after the Wave Country Arc and before the Chunin Exam. Female Haku lived and came to Konoha with Team 7.
Text
Lyrics
"Talking"
'Thoughts'
Location
Some bar in Konoha:
'That mission sucked.' Kakashi thought.
He was in a bar at night with only the bartender and sake to keep him company, but that didn't last very long. He was soon joined by some of his fellow Jonin: Yuuhi Kurenai, Sarutobi Asuma, Maito Gai, and Mitarashi Anko.
"What's up with you Kakashi; did the bookstore run out of the latest 'Icha Icha Paradise'?" Asuma asked his miserable looking friend.
"Don't even kid about that kind of thing! Something so horrible should never even be thought about!" Kakashi yelled out while throwing a half assed punch to Asuma who caught the fist. That reaction got him three glares from the three other Jonin in the bar.
"Then tell us what happened." Kurenai said with a comforting smile that hid the fury she would inflict on him if it turned out to be something perverted.
"It must be a huge problem because you look kinda half dead already. Want me to just finish it?" Anko asked while pulling out a kunai from who knows where, with a crazed smile on her face.
"N-no thanks." Kakashi managed to get out before the Special Jonin could get her kunai too close to certain parts of himself. "It's just that the C-rank mission my team got didn't turn out like I expected it to."
"So what exactly happened?" Kurenai asked.
"We got a C-rank mission to Nami no Kuni to escort and protect this alcoholic bridge builder. A little while into the mission we were attacked by the Demon Brothers from Kiri. Naruko and Sasuke leapt into action pretty well for new Genin, but Sakura froze up and got a little poisoned." Kakashi said like it was just an everyday occurrence for someone to get poisoned, but then again he is friends with Anko. The other Jonin just sat with him, listening to him vent.
"I managed to get the poison out so we went on with the mission. Once we got to Nami we were then attacked by Zabuza and his accomplice, though we didn't know it at the time because she was dressed as an Oinin. Both Zabuza and I ended up pretty injured and had to rest up for a week. During the battle I got stuck in Zabuza's jutsu, but Naruko came up with a plan to work with Sasuke and got me out. Sakura once again did pretty much nothing. You know, I don't think she has trained very hard at team meetings or at all afterwards. I don't think she has improved at all since joining Team 7."
The other Jonin noticed his rant about his mission turned into a rant about how bad of a Kunoichi Sakura was.
Kurenai didn't want to hear about her right now, she wanted to hear what happened to her only female student's secret female crush so she got Kakashi back on track. "You're going off on a tangent about Sakura's idiocy, get back to the mission."
"Oh right. Well, we trained a bit. I taught them the tree climbing exercise. Surprisingly it was actually Naruko rather than Sasuke or Sakura that mastered it first. A close second was Sakura, but because she had so little chakra I made her continue after she was done. Last was Sasuke and he looked really pissed off that not one, but both of his teammates finished before him. He was moody- no, he was even more moody than usual, if that's even possible, the rest of the mission and the trip back. Anyway, Zabuza and his partner came back and we fought. Sasuke ended up getting disabled; Sakura protected Tazuna, the bridge builder, and Naruko finished the fight with Haku, Zabuza's partner, but didn't kill her. It turns out that Naruko and Haku met once before and formed a friendship. As we were fighting the battle was interrupted by Gato. Zabuza killed Gato and his thugs, but died from his wounds. It was decided that Haku would come back with us, so here we are."
"So what is the big problem? It seems like the mission went well; everyone on your team came back alive, heck, you even got an extra member." Asuma said.
"I'll be blunt; I don't think Sakura is cut out to be a ninja." Kakashi admitted.
Anko immediately agreed and offered to literally whip her into shape. "I bet I can fix her. Just give her to me for a week and she'll be a new person. Someone just needs to tie her down and get a bit rough with her." That statement brought two bloody noses, a blush, and a disapproving glare.
"No Anko-chan." The reasonable Kunoichi reprimanded her friend, still with a bit of red on her face. "Kakashi, you just need to give her more time. Besides you seem stressed out, maybe we should have a little get together with our teams and this Haku girl. Seeing how much Hinata and Ino have improved could probably be enough motivation to get her to start working on her own training." She really just wanted to help Sakura. Suggesting that had absolutely nothing to do with finding out how close this so called friendship was between Naruko and Haku is. Or was it the other way around?
"Yes my youthful rival, you should give her a chance to improve her youthful flames of passion! My team shall join as well. I am sure Tenten-chan can motivate her kohai." Gai said with fire in his eyes.
"I'll be there too. Just too see how crappy this girl is. Maybe I can motivate her if your brats can't." Anko added.
Training Ground 7:
Once Teams 7, 8, 9, 10, their senseis, Haku and Anko got together it was decided that the Genin would go off in smaller groups of four, one from each team, to help each other train.
The teams were split up like so:
Naruko, Hinata, Shikamaru, Lee, Haku
Sasuke, Kiba, Choji, Tenten
Sakura, Shino, Ino, Neji
At least that was how it was supposed to be, but it ended up as this:
Naruko, Hinata, Lee, Tenten, Shino, Ino, Haku
Narruko helped the Genin with her Kage Bunshin, giving them experience being outnumbered by opponents. Hinata and Shino gave tracking tips. Ino taught them some basic interrogation information. Lee gave them some of his taijutsu tactics. Tenten talked about weapon warfare. Haku taught them about poisonous plants.
Sasuke and Neji went off to train/brood somewhere else. Sakura went off to stalk Sasuke. Shikamaru went to sleep. Choji went to eat. Kiba went with Akamaru to do some mandatory 'Inuzuka Tracking Techniques' a.k.a. 'Learning to aim his dick when he takes a piss.' A little later they came back to train with the group after they got some incentive/threats from their senseis. All the Genin were training except for Sakura who was still staring at Sasuke. This did not go unnoticed by anyone, but no one bothered to mention it.
While the Genin, sans Sakura, were training, the Jonin were having a little meeting.
"It's not working." Stated Kakashi.
"It might not be working, but look who's working it on Foxy." Anko pointed out. She as right as well because it seems Naruko was sitting intimately between Haku and Hinata, away from everyone else in a nice secluded spot. Well actually Naruko was sitting intimately next to Haku with Hinata trying and failing to get the oblivious Naruko away from Haku.
"Aww, Naruko-chan doesn't even realize she's in a lesbian love triangle. That is so cute." Kurenai cooed, forgetting for a small moment that she should be cheering for Hinata.
"Forget a lezzy love triangle, she should be going for a lezzy threesome." Anko added.
The three male Jonin had huge bloody noses by now, on the very edge of passing out. The final nail in the perverted coffin came soon.
"They are too young for that kind of thing Anko-chan." Kurenai argued.
Anko came up from behind Kurenai and gave her a sensual embrace. "We were barely older than they were when we had our first lezzy threesome, and it worked out fine for us. Do you want me to go get Yugao-chan so we can remind you what it was like?" Anko finished it by nuzzling Kurenai's neck making her let out a soft moan in pleasure.
That was all the three males could take and they went down like rocks, very bloody rocks.
"Hey! I just got a great idea!" Anko suddenly exclaimed.
"It better not be anything perverted. You're as bad as Kakashi sometimes." Kurenai said while trying to free herself from Anko's grasp.
"Let's forget about that Sakura chick, she's a lost cause anyway. We should take the Gennin to a karaoke bar. Naruko, Hinata and Haku could end up having some team bonding if you know what I mean." Anko continued, totally ignoring that crack about being perverted.
"YOSH!! That is a great idea Anko-chan. An excellent way to build camaraderie between the new Gennin." Added a suddenly conscious Gai that seemed to have somehow forgotten what happens to Lee when he drinks any amount of alchohol. Also ignoring that part about three girls bonding. Ahh, selective hearing, ain't it grand?
"It can't hurt." Asuma gave his input.
"Whatever." Kakashi said, too busy reading his porn to really care about anything right now.
Karaoke Bar:
Later that night the four teams, their senseis, and Anko met up at a karaoke bar.
At first the young naive Gennin were protesting going to a bar because they were 'underage', but that didn't last long. One glare from Anko and they were all lined up at the bar waiting for their first taste of alcohol.
All except for Lee because Gai finally remembered what alcohol did to Lee. "Lee, perhaps you should entertain your youthful friends with a song from the youthful karaoke machine." Gai managed to tell Lee before things could get too out of hand.
"Yes Gai-sensei. I will keep my comrades youthful with a song. I shall dedicate this song to you Sakura-chan! It is called 'Love Hurts.' Once you hear this song you will surely want to date me!" Lee exclaimed as he ran over the stage.
'Yeah right. Like that will ever work.' Sakura thought as the music started and Lee began to sing.
Tonight we drink to youth
Every single person in the bar let out a simultaneous groan at that line, everyone except Gai of course. None of them could believe Rock Lee was so youth obsessed that he would even pick a song about youth. Gai just let out a mighty "YOSH!! GO MY YOUNG PUPIL, SING WITH THE POWER OF YOUTH!!" along with the youthful pose which was followed by another, equally loud groan from everyone else.
"I know all of you are not as passionate about youth as I am, but I am sure all of you will enjoy this song if you give it a chance." Lee tried to persuade them.
A few mutterings of "whatever" and "just get on with it" could be heard over the less enthusiastic groan from everyone else in the bar. Seconds later the music started up and Lee began again.
Tonight we drink to youth
And holding fast to truth
(I don't want to lose what I had as a boy.)
My heart still has a beat
But love is now a feat.
(As common as a cold day in LA.)
Sometimes when I'm alone, I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing?
Love hurts...
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive.
Love sings,
When it transcends the bad things.
Have a heart and try me,
'cause without love I won't survive.
I'm fettered and abused,
I stand naked and accused
(Should I surface this one man submarine?)
I only want the truth
So tonight we drink to youth!
(I'll never lose what I had as a boy.)
Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing?
Love hurts...
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive.
Love sings,
When it transcends the bad things.
Have a heart and try me,
'cause without love I won't survive.
The crowd just sat there in stunned silence before giving Lee a standing ovation. Not because he was that great of a singer, but because not even one of them ever thought they would like any song that had the word 'youth' in it, except Gai but he doesn't count. Never before would anyone think that a song with the word 'youth' would be any good, but the song was actually pretty awesome. Many wanted to find a copy of the song that wasn't sung by such a psychotic, disturbed, bowl shaped haircut, green spandex wearing freak of natu-err such an enthusiastic person. Yeah, that's it, enthusiastic.
Actually Sakura wasn't all too pleased. "AHHH!! I can't believe you would do that! That was so lame singing about youth! You are such a LOSER! I would never go out with you, EVER!!!"
People couldn't believe how bitchy Sakura was acting right now.
'That ungrateful bitch, I would love to have a guy that cares enough about me to sing to me in public like Lee did for you.' Most of the females in the bar thought.
'Poor Lee, I wonder if Gai did something to his brain to make him attracted to such a horrible girl like Sakura.' Most of the guys thought.
All of them wanted to make her shut up, but they were all either too smashed or too lazy to get up to deal with her. Surprisingly it was a slightly drunken Ino that came to do what everyone wanted to do.
"I can't believe what a bitch you are Sakura! You always treat everyone like crap! You always put down Naruko even when she tries her very best to help and protect you, you obsess over Sasuke so much you don't train and are practically a civilian with chakra when you have to actually fight, you didn't do any training at all today, and you just broke Lee's sprit when he did such a romantic thing for you! You know what? You are the biggest bitch I know! Wait, you might actually be the biggest bitch in the whole world!!" Ino was screaming by the time she was done.
"What? WHAT? WHAAATTT??!!!" Sakura exclaimed with her mouth open and eyes bulged out of her head. She didn't know how to respond to that.
"You know something Sakura?" Ino started. "I am going to follow in Lee's footsteps and sing you a song too."
The people looking at this scene became confused at that statement. At least they were until they heard the title of the song.
"It's called 'Sakura's a Bitch.'" Ino said over her shoulder on her way to the stage.
"WHAT??!!" It seemed like Sakura's brain shut down because of all her anger.
Ino got to the stage and was about to start singing when Sakura interrupted her.
"You better not sing that fucking song Ino-pig!"
Weeelllll,
"If you sing that song I am going to kick your ass Ino-pig!" Sakura yelled. Ino looked like she was really going to listen to Sakura, but suddenly the music started, and so did Ino.
Weeelllll, Sakura's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch,
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch,
She's a bitch to all the boys and girls.
On Monday she's a bitch
On Tuesday she's a bitch
And Wednesdays to Saturdays she's a bitch
Then on Sunday just to be different,
She's a super king kong mega mega biatch
Have you ever met my friend Sakura,
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
She's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair,
She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch
Bitch, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
She's a stupid bitch, Sakura's a bitch,
And she's such a dirty bitch.
Talk to kids around the world,
It might go a little bit something like this...
Ino turned her gaze to her teammates who were staying as far away from a murderously fuming Sakura as possible, and motioned to them to come sing with her. At this point Shikamaru and Choji let their ninja survival instincts guide them through their drunken haze to the stage and joined Ino out of fear for their lives or manhood. They didn't know which one she would take if they didn't obey, but they didn't want to find out. While Kiba, who was also avoiding Sakura with them, joined because he always thought Sakura was a bitch.
One at a time Shika, Choji, and Kiba 'sang'. Each person sang in a different 'language'. Each 'language' was actually just a different form of drunken gibberish. After a few seconds each, Ino finally had enough of them and kicked them off the stage so she could finish solo.
Have you ever met my friend Sakura,
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
She's a mean old bitch, she has stupid hair,
She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch
Bitch, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.
She's a stupid bitch, Sakura's a bitch,
And she's such a dirty bitch;
I really mean it,
Sakura, she's a big fat, fucking bitch
Big old fat fuckin' bitch, Sakuraaaaaaaaaaa
Yeahhhhh, Chaaaaa
Every single person there laughed like there was no tomorrow, but with a pissed off Sakura you never know what the hell she might do. Even the ever stoic Shino let a few chuckles out.
Sakura just let out a horrid shriek that was drowned out by all the laughter, and just ran out of the bar.
Notes: My very first fic so please be nice. If you're going to flame me it better follow 'The Idiot's Guide to Flaming' on my profile. Constructive Criticism will be gladly accepted and appreciated. Remember this quote of mine: "If a story sucks at first it is the author's fault, but if a story continues to suck it is because no one told the author how to fix it."
I actually wrote the part where Lee then Ino sings first and added an intro to that which became that Jonin meeting and eventually the team training thing. So if that part sucked you know why.
I only wrote this because I got writer's block when I was doing an outline for another story so I do not know if I will continue this fic at all. So far I have everything done until the time skip and I still need to check it for any inconsistencies in the plotline.
Read, and review if you want.