Dichotomous: If I Were a Girl
something that bloomed in my head after Donghae once remarked that he told Siwon that the other man has no charisma and that he won't fall for Siwon even if he were a girl when questioned. What if Donghae answered in the opposite?
He watches as Siwon punches the wall in frustration again. It is late, and the other man has just arrived back at their shared apartment after yet another day of filming on the set of the Taiwanese live-action adaptation of Skip Beat!, still dressed in the suit he had to wear on the set. It is taking its toll on them, this filming. Speaking and thinking in Mandarin is a hard enough task by itself, but compound that with living away from their group mates the first time in years, away from their beloved homeland and surrounded by near strangers who were comfortable in speaking in tongues that were oh-so-foreign to the two of them... Well, it is enough to make a grown man cry.
Siwon has not shed a single tear over it, though. He is too masculine for that. The punching bag that hangs in the shared living room is looking sorry though; it has been getting quite a workout these few weeks. There is a gym down the street, but filming has been keeping them too busy to even schedule a weekly trip there.
Tonight feels different. Normally Siwon will call out to him and only show his frustration with the sandbag as an audience. Tonight, tonight- the air feels bruised around the taller man. He keeps silent and waits. It is easier to crack through Siwon's defenses when he is allowed to think that he sheds them of his own accord.
He does not have to wait for long. Still, he flinches ever so slightly in surprise as that low, deep voice reverberates around the silent apartment. "Donghae-ah. I'm so tired. Do you... Are you- Do you miss Korea?"
Sometimes he wishes they didn't accept the roles, but the producers approached them personally, and Siwon wanted it as a challenge to his actor side, and when Siwon begged so prettily for him to take the role of Fuwa Sho so that he won't be all alone on the set... Well, he has never been able to resist Siwon. Not truly.
Sometimes, sometimes he wonders if he is so very painfully obvious with his feelings. Once, during a television interview their entire group had in Seoul, the host had commented jokingly that he must have followed Siwon around twenty-four/seven to understand his daily and most intimate habits so well. Donghae walked about with a deep blush and a heart filled with panic for the rest of that day, but astonishingly, no one suspected a thing. They all thought he was in fits because a female fan had confessed to him with rather bold language on said same show.
He has been very, very careful since then. It is fortuitous too, that Siwon is the most affectionate out of their ragtag group and is forever hugging or kissing someone. Donghae's heart always knocks about his ribcage so violently that he half-expects it to jump out when Siwon picks him as his intended victim for his physical acts of teasing affection. He always makes sure he compiles, but reluctantly, so that it looked like he was enduring what his senior forced upon him and nothing more. A secret thrill always dances up his spine when Siwon reacts to his exaggerated primness by behaving as though he, Siwon, is the triumphant ravisher. That smug smirk that allows the emergence of one naughty dimple never fails to turn him on. Occasionally he even finds his legs spreading slightly of their volition.
It has become a running gag between Siwon and the fans. Due to some strange, mystical reason, the catcalls and shrieks are always the loudest when big, manly Siwon acts like a man slut let loose among a locker full of male jocks in front of them. He hams it up for their benefit, too, a teasing glance here, a sly brush of the hands there, a seductive gaze, a soft caress on the cheek, a slow press of lips against lips. The girls are always happiest when that man who practically oozes testosterone turns into a effeminate almost-drag-queen -those rolling hips!- in order to please them. He is less sensuous in private, when it is just the thirte-no, twelve of them, but still very, very touchy-feely. It is in him, it is him. He will not be Siwon otherwise.
And yet those one armed hugs, those quick, chaste pecks on the cheek are what Donghae craves the most from him, because they are sincere and done for him, and his benefit only. He doesn't want the little rewards meant for the fans, for their continued loyalty. He wants Siwon to perform for him. Only. Him.
"...Donghae?"
He has gone too long without responding. Siwon's gaze is on him like a pair of too bright headlights, one long dark brow raised quizzically in a perfect arch. He can feel himself blushing, his skin prickling under those dark hot eyes. "Sorry, I was just trying to recall my lines," he mutters hurriedly. He can see that Siwon is not really convinced, but the other man does not question his evasion and crosses over to the full length mirror running the perimeter around their living room instead. Donghae's eyes traces that lean silhouette and lingers, drawn by the predatory grace that is barely leashed tonight.
He continues to watch, attracted against his own will as Siwon pauses in front of the middle panel. As a long finger trails across the reflective surface, he swallows to rid his own throat of the dryness that has suddenly taken up residence. What he would give to be Siwon's reflection, to be able to lose himself into those dark unfathomable eyes at a minimal distance. To touch that beautiful, unearthly face.
It is almost as though Siwon hears his filthy thoughts, improbable as it is. He crooks his finger absentmindedly and Donghae can feel his jeans tightening from the indolent sexiness that the gesture hints at. "Come here, Donghae."
Who knew that the simple act of staring into the mirror at your self could be so hot? But perhaps it was because Siwon was, well, Siwon. He gulps again and attempts to sound as normal as possible. "W-Why?"
Siwon rolls his eyes at his own reflection and runs a hand across his hair. "Just come, I want to ask you a question."
Donghae does not even try to resist. He coughs and takes a pathetic stab at normality, which fails as he is reminded of his erection as he strides pseudo-confidently to stand next to the taller man. He is so hard that it is painful to walk. Focusing his gaze deliberately on the reflection of the sofa behind them, he mumbles, "Yeah, what?"
"Do you think I'm charismatic?" It is a curveball that comes out of nowhere to slam Donghae between the eyes. Startled, he snaps his involuntarily widening eyes up and realises the other man is looking at him through the mirror with a hurt frown. "Today, on the set... Ivy says I'm too childish to be truly appealing to girls."
"Well..." At the mention of their other co-star, Donghae rails against her in his own head. Normally he adores Ivy, both for her droll personality and her talent in acting, but not today. Not today.
A tiny voice at the back of his head whispers that Ivy is correct, because while Donghae finds him enormously appealing, he is still a male, but he shakes it away. How could she not see that Siwon is magnetic down to his every gesture? There is something in the way he moves, the way he fills the room, that draws your eyes automatically to him. Then it is the face compels your gaze to linger, to catalogue. That straight nose, and that faint beauty mark on the bridge that makes you yearn to drop a kiss onto it. Those bright eyes, and the slight crinkles that appear beneath it when their owner smiles with true delight. The final blow comes when the smile turns into a grin or a laugh, revealing those even white teeth framed by a pair of deep set dimples. He has always wanted to lick those dimples. It is depraved and he does not understand why he is capable of such thoughts stop lying to yourself, the voice whispers, but they have always been a major point of temptation for him. They are what that drives him to do his best to make Siwon laugh.
"...too, don't you?" He comes out of his reverie to see Siwon staring at him with a little pout that makes him want to take that bottom lip between his teeth and trace that deep, almost feminine curve with his own tongue. "I'm sorry- I didn't- What did you say?"
"You think I don't have any charisma at all, too, don't you?" The sulky set of Siwon's lips become more pronounced, and Donghae forces his eyes away from that entrancing sight to encounter wounded eyes. He shakes his head hastily in denial, "No! No, I think you're charismatic, I really do!"
"Liar." Siwon is turning away, dejected, and Donghae panics. He is not thinking as he reaches out to catch the other's arm with his palm. He is not thinking as he blurts out, "I'm telling the truth! If I were a girl, I'd definitely find you charismatic! If I were a girl..."
His voices falters as Siwon turns to look at him fully. He is trapped in those dark, wide eyes. He does not look away even as he squeezes out the remainder of the sentence through frozen lips. "...I'd definitely fall for you."
The silence is pregnant. The air is heavy and ripe with a sudden unspoken tension that echoes.
"You would?" The words are barely audible, but Donghae doesn't need to hear them as he watches them form on those parted lips. Licking his own, he edges closer; to do what, he does not know. He only know it takes him a hairsbreadth away from the other's chest. They are standing so close that his feet lines with Siwon's feet, knees with knees and hips to hips. Donghae tilts his head back slightly to meet the taller man's eyes. The courage comes from somewhere unknown inside him, but he is grateful for it. "I-I would."
For the first time, it is Siwon who breaks their eye contact. The other man looks down, and something inside Donghae shatters. Then Siwon lifts his head again, and he does not know who was the first to move, but suddenly there are hot lips are pressing against his. Distantly he hears the high-pitched keening of a wounded animal, but he shrugs it off as the soft, slightly chapped lips moving on his capture all of his attention.