Something had changed.
Ikusaba couldn't figure out what it was.
Something had changed with Enoshima when it was over, but she couldn't wrap her head around what. It wasn't a typical personality swap-that was for sure-the shift was greater than that, more permanent.
Or maybe all that had changed was Ikusaba's perception of her.
Blonde hair tumbling in messy waves, Enoshima climbed out of bed and searched the ground for her clothes. Ikusaba whimpered and gathered the covers tighter around her. The bed felt cold. Awfully cold, considering what had just transpired in its soft sheets.
Or maybe it was just their apartment that was cold, unpaid heating bills having been used for fire.
"Come back, Junko." Ikusaba murmured, barely audible. She didn't actually want her sister to hear.
Or maybe she just knew that Enoshima wouldn't listen.
"What are you blabbering about over there? You want to go again? Upupupu."
"N-no!" Ikusaba turned red. "I-I mean, it's not like that… don't say it like that…"
"Upupu. Damn, I knew I was good, but not that good!"
"Stop it!"
Enoshima had found her panties and a bra and was currently tugging an oversized sweatshirt over her head. She pulled thick socks up over her red painted toenails and stumbled about as she struggled to get them on.
"Ooh," Enoshima hopped about the bedroom like a bunny, tossing laundry up in the air until she found a warm pair of sweatpants to cozy into. "You weren't saying that bee-foreee!"
Ikusaba was humiliated. She pulled the covers over her head.
She wasn't ashamed that she had just made love to her sister for the first time. She wasn't ashamed that in the minds of many, such an act was considered a mortal sin. She wasn't ashamed that she had enjoyed it-all the kissing, all the touching, all the soft skin and soft sounds.
She was ashamed that Enoshima talked about their first time like it hadn't meant anything.
"Aww! Look, Mukuro's getting all sad!" Enoshima pouted. Her lips had curled into a sweet pout and her blue eyes were calm and even; she looked innocent as an angel. "You think I don't love you, sis?"
Ikusaba didn't answer. She felt her warm breath wash over her face as she exhaled into the sheets.
"Upupu, that would be so perfect, wouldn't it, if I didn't feel the same way about you?" She giggled. "But I do-oo-ooo!"
Ikusaba blinked. She lowered the covers and stared hopelessly at her sister, welcoming the familiar pain and sadness that filled her body. It was how her sister always made her feel. She didn't know what to believe, and so she despaired.
Enoshima winked.
"It's true! You gotta promise me though… promise me you'll only ever love me."
"H-huh?"
"Promise me, Mukuro. You'll never love anyone else, especially not some filthy boy! But no other girls either! Not a classmate or a teacher or… or anyone who fucking smiles at you... not even a friend!"
Enoshima's eyes grew fiercer with each word, but Ikusaba's resolve was only fading.
"Are you listening? You're not allowed to have any fucking friends!"
"But, Junko…"
"I'm your only friend. You got that? It's just us. That's it. You and me; me and you."
Ikusaba found it difficult to respond even though she wasn't going to protest. It wasn't a question whether or not she loved her sister in such an intense degree. That was undeniable.
But something had changed. Her love for her sister carried a different weight all of a sudden, now that they were lovers.
Or maybe it was just hitting her for the first time that she actually would never feel love for another person.
"Nobody else."
Because… who else was there?
It was always just Ikusaba and Enoshima on their own, standing on the outside looking in at the rest of the world.
Ikusaba and Enoshima pitted against survival from the very beginning of life as they knew it. Ikusaba and Enoshima taking care of each other in place of proper parentage or a proper home. Ikusaba and Enoshima holding hands as they ran away from bad people, bad situations, and bad luck. Ikusaba and Enoshima, alone, as it rained for days and days straight when they were on the street. Ikusaba and Enoshima sharing a birthday; a bed; an eye color; a toothbrush; a twisted dream.
Ikusaba and Enoshima-and then everybody else.
"Not ever, Mukuro. Just us."
They couldn't exist in the same way as other people, with other people.
Enoshima plopped herself down on the bed next to her sister, taking her hand. She squeezed it hard enough that Ikusaba flinched.
If they reached out and touched another human being's heart…
The older twin looked at her sister.
…It could only be with despair.
Of course, she realized, Enoshima already knew this. Enoshima always figured out everything before Ikusaba did. The younger twin had already known, possibly for as long as she had been alive, that she and her sister were different.
That it wasn't an option for them to live normally among others.
"Of course, Junko… I couldn't love anybody else."
It wasn't possible.
"I know."
Enoshima pulled Ikusaba into a kiss, as if to tell her big sister that everything was okay; that they didn't need anybody else; that they would be all right together. But Ikusaba knew they wouldn't.
Which meant Enoshima already knew that, too.
Notes:
written in response to the despaircest prompt "discussing their first time" that an anon. submitted to my tumblr.
sidenote-i was inspired here by a quote from episode 4.14 of The Walking Dead, where one of the characters says of another, "She can't be around other people." the episode's been haunting me and i guess since, funnily enough, the plot centered around disturbing events involving sisters... it came up when i was writing this and i decided to go with it. it works well with a headcanon i have that in the DR universe, the type of Despair that Enoshima and Ikusaba... possess? represent? is more of a... condition? abstract concept? than the normal human emotion of "despair" ...if that makes any sense. just thought i'd put that out there for anyone interested. :p
ps; send me more! i'm still working on some... and they may be a lot shorter drabbles than this but... still!
xpost to tumblr (if-youhaveghosts) and ao3 (if_youhaveghosts)
xo C