originally posted on my tumblr, inspired by an ask/answer headcanon thing of avannak's on about how hiccup handles road rage.
It was a Hummer. Of course it was a Hummer. A baby blue Hummer that muscled into the middle lane from the other side just as Hiccup was trying to get over from the right, then had the audacity to honk as he cursed and jerked back into his own lane. By the time the Hummer sped forward, red brake lights blinked back into Hiccup's vision.
Slamming his feet on the clutch and brake, his seatbelt snapped hard against his collarbone. What the hell! Why was it always a Hummer? Who even drove Hummers anymore? Complete assholes, that's who. What, did they think they owned the road, just 'cause they were big and assumed people would get out of their way?
Ignoring the fact that this was exactly how it happened, Hiccup turned down the radio and shot a look over his left shoulder, looking for a gap. There was one. Barely. It would get him out from behind this eighteen-wheeler he'd been coasting behind for the last six unbearable minutes. Six unbearable minutes out of two long hours of stop-and-go traffic. He stepped on the clutch and shifted down to second, gunning into the open space just as the SUV on his left passed his headlights. To be honest it was a dick move, but less a dick move, he thought fiercely, than what that Hummer did.
Now in the same lane, Hiccup spotted the the Hummer several cars ahead, because it was a Hummer and it was bright blue and in any case all Hummers screamed, Lookie me, I'm driving a Hummer, now fucking move. It was probably tailgating whatever poor bastard unlucky enough to have a Hummer behind them. Now righteously angry on behalf of this poor bastard, Hiccup waited with tight hands on the wheel until their collective lane passed the eighteen-wheeler.
When it did, he jerked his wheel only an inch, and his car swerved tightly into the long space that was always in front of massive trucks.
Hiccup's car was a two-door coup frame from the nineties with stripped black paint.
Hiccup's car was small and looked like a piece of shit.
Hiccup's car had begun life as an automatic but now lived life as a manual.
Grinning, he depressed the clutch then pulled the stick down to fourth gear.
Hiccup's car was a lot faster than it appeared.
The engine caught. The RPM needle swivelled… Five thousand, six thousand… forty-five hundred, and he brought it down to third just as the lane next to him began to slow.
And there was that baby blue Hummer. Deliberately hovering in its blind spot, Hiccup knew, just knew, it would want to jump its slowing lane into the inviting space in front of Hiccup. And it didn't disappoint. Its rectangular brake lights blinked twice, rapidly, and once again the turn signal was completely ignored as it began to sidle over.
This was his chance.
He punched the gas and kicked forward into the empty space. By the time Hiccup passed the Hummer's boxy hood, it hadn't even begin to cross the dotted line. Out of his mirror he saw the telltale jerk back into its spot, most likely accompanied by cursing from its driver. A fierce surge of petty pride swelled in his chest, especially when the baby blue Hummer began to slow, presumably to merge in behind Hiccup.
Any other time, he would have let them.
But not this time.
Eyes flicking between the car three lengths in front of him and his side mirror, Hiccup let off the gas to match the Hummer's speed. At this distance, he could only see the grill and headlights, and even now they screamed entitled and pushy. They got bigger as the Hummer pulled forward again, trying to pass him.
Smooth as a whistle, Hiccup stepped on the gas a little, keeping solidly next to the Hummer's front wheel.
There was another honk. The driver was probably flipping Hiccup off at this point. Well, joke's on you, jerk! I can't even see you all the way up there! That's the point of driving a Hummer, isn't it? To loom over us lesser folk? Well, loom away!
Cackling in his empty, silent car, Hiccup thought, and if you ram me try explaining that to your insurance!
After several moments of relishing his victory, he spotted the slow yellow blink of a turn signal. Practically a concession of defeat!
Now satisfied, Hiccup made to pull forward to let them behind him, but his lane chose that moment to slow down.
Just as the Hummer's lane began to speed up.
Hiccup was very conflicted.
On one hand, he had already claimed victory in this instance. Well, in his head he had. And he wasn't in the habit of being a jerk on the road. At a four-way stop healways let the other person go first. If someone needed to get over, he usually made room, because seriously what's ten feet of road really worth when you think about it.
On the other hand, the Hummer would pass him and the driver would probably think, Haha, sucker. And then its taillights would watch him all smugly until he managed to catch back up.
So his only real choice in the matter was to cut off the baby blue Hummer now.
Hiccup did this.
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