birthday giftfic for jennis41digsdragons on tumblr, inspired by a post i saw going around.
The first thing Hiccup noticed when he opened the fridge was something solid landing on his head, and the second thing he noticed was piercing agony as needles gouged into his scalp. He didn't have time to regret not closing the box of cereal properly last time, and the third thing he noticed was it was suddenly raining corn flakes.
He hurled himself backwards out of reflex, yelling in surprise and pain, the heel of his prosthetic slipping on the tile. The thing on his head yowled. Hiccup kicked the fridge door in his effort to remain upright, making a loud bang, then a loud bang again as the fridge door bounced against the adjacent wall. The needles dug further into his forehead then launched away.
Hiccup landed on his back, and for a few dazed moments he tried to figure out what the hell just happened. He had just wanted breakfast. That's all he was in here for. Why, just, how—?
Something small and dark dashed away in his peripheral vision, hissing. Aching, Hiccup propped himself up on his elbows, managing to catch sight of a small black cat as it disappeared under the kitchen table.
And this wouldn't be weird at all, except Hiccup didn't own a cat.
Hiccup crawled on his hands and knees through the corn flakes, stooping his head to peer under a chair. Crouched against the wall was the attack cat, ears back, fur standing on end, light reflecting demonically off its eyes.
"How'd you get in here, buddy?" Hiccup stretched his hand out.
The cat under the table made a noise like a monster in a deep dark cave.
Hiccup snatched his hand back, valuing his remaining limbs.
"Oooh… kay," Hiccup said. He managed to drag himself off the floor, and crossed to his still-open refrigerator and pulled out some deli ham and an apple. The growling started back up as he neared the table, but he just tossed a slice of ham under there without looking. He ignored the corn flakes scattered all over the kitchen linoleum because it was way too early in the morning to deal with that on top of everything else.
Biting into his apple, Hiccup crossed into the living room and dropped on the couch. It was a small apartment—a small, no-pets-allowed, third-floor apartment, how that cat ended up atop his refrigerator Hiccup didn't even know—so he was able to keep an eye on the intruder as he ate. Gingerly, he felt the scratches on his forehead, which stung when he touched them.
What was he supposed to do here? Call his landlord? Animal control? Open up his front door and hope the cat found its way out? What would happen to the cat?
Hiccup took another bite of his apple and peered over the back of the couch. Through the chair legs he saw a small black limb reach out and bat suspiciously at the slice of ham.
"It's ham, cat," Hiccup said, although why, he didn't know. "You eat it."
The cat either ignored him or didn't understand English, so Hiccup lay back down against the armrest of the couch, picked his phone off the coffee table, and checked his e-mail while he finished off his apple. After a few minutes, he heard some scritching and scuffing coming from the kitchen.
Carefully he covered the top of his head with a throw pillow, then sat back up to see what was going on.
The cat was out from under the table, swatting at corn flakes. However, as soon as it caught Hiccup watching, it jumped about a foot in the air then darted back to its hiding place. It had a strange, rolling gait that Hiccup didn't notice when he was trying not to have a panic attack on the floor, but before he could pin down what was off about it, the cat was out of sight once again.
"I have to meet my advisor in like an hour," Hiccup informed the cat. "What am I s'posed to do about you?"
What Hiccup ended up doing about the cat was absolutely nothing, thinking he'd have something figured out by the time he got back. He returned to the apartment later that day with an armful of cat food, a litter box, a scratching post, some cat toys that looked extra super fun, and Neosporin.
Judging by the state and smell of his apartment, the cat saw no need for any of these things.
Hiccup did a full circle, taking in the destruction with an open mouth. How in the world…
Snagged threads popped out of the back of his couch, his refrigerator was open again for god knows how long, anything that could possibly be knocked over including the trash can was knocked over, and there was a pile of something smelly somewhere and Hiccup needed find out where. Maybe he should have gotten at least a litter box before he left, but it was too late to regret that now.
Something tugged at the hem of his jeans, and he looked down. The selfsame cat was now attacking the back of his leg, luckily the fake one, because its claws were in pretty deep.
"All right," Hiccup said carefully, lowering the huge bag of pet supplies onto the floor. "Just don't you no no no don't climb up, don't climb—ow!"
For the second time that day he felt the pinch of needles, this time up the length of his back until the cat perched itself on his left shoulder. When Hiccup pulled his head back to get a better look, the cat's bright green eyes were inches away from his own. Almost cautiously it lifted a forepaw.
Hiccup pointed his finger in return. "Don't even try it."
It put its paw back down, but continued to give Hiccup an evil look.
Or maybe it wasn't an evil look. Maybe it was just a little evil-looking. Now close enough to see, the cat looked like what a cat would look like if it had met the wrong side of a jet engine. One ear was torn, the other had its tip missing. Its nose had a bare spot where a long scar, still red, tore through its fur. More scars probably peppered its body, although with the matted, chewed fur it was difficult to say. When the cat turned to wind its way over to Hiccup's other shoulder, Hiccup finally discovered the reason for the pitch in its stride: it was missing its whole left hind leg, all the way up to the buttock.
Hiccup let out a low whistle.
Still, it didn't seem to slow it down any, even if—ow—even if it seemed to not know how to retract its claws. Obviously, it was still able to make its way to the top of a refrigerator in order to launch itself onto unsuspecting humans.
Slowly, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and managed to snap a picture of the cat in profile just before the cat decided to try walking down the length of his outstretched arm, and slipped. Hiccup managed to pull it up against his chest in time, shaking his head. At this point he wasn't even surprised by the way the cat plunged its claws into his forearm, figuring it probably did so for traction; at least it seemed to refrain from using its teeth.
He deposited the cat on the couch, and they watched one another for a moment before the cat pointed its hind leg to clean itself. His hind leg. Apparently a neutering was in order too, although Hiccup wasn't about to tell him that.
This was a very weird day so far.
Hiccup ended up texting the picture of the cat to his cousin Snot, who he knew for a fact had seen all varieties of cat video YouTube had to offer and would probably appreciate it. Then he went about cleaning up his apartment, starting with throwing open every window he could find.
By the time he got back to his phone he had seven new text messages from Snot, another one coming in just as he opened the conversation.
Who is this?
Hiccup frowned, then scrolled up. The previous seven text messages were all along the same line.
Who is this?
Who is this?
Who is this
How did you get my number
Seriously who is this?
Who the fuck are you?
Who's this?
Utterly dumbfounded, Hiccup checked the contact. It still said Snot, and it was the same number he always had. Sure, the picture of the cat only contained Hiccup's shoulder and right ear, but he'd have thought Snot would be able to recognize his own cousin's ear by now.
Another text popped up.
What the hell did you do to your cat
At this point Hiccup was fairly certain that this wasn't Snot. Maybe one of Snot's girlfriends was snooping through his phone? Although a picture of a cat was by far the least racy thing his cousin had on his phone, so that didn't make any sense either.
WHO IS THIS?
Whoa.
Hiccup decided that ignoring it was probably the best option at this point.
So he sent a message to Snot through Facebook: Did you get a new phone or something?
hell ya man galazy note5 WHAT UP
Despite himself Hiccup was impressed.
Those arent even out yet
fuck no their not u mad
Not me but whoever has your old number is, gimme your new one
u tryin to send dick pics again hic
Hiccup rolled his eyes. I got a cat, he messaged.
seriously? when
It just sort of showed up in my apt this morning and attacked me
I LOVE THIS CAT! why havnet you sent me a pic yet wtf u kno its my bday man
At the same time Hiccup got four new text messages:
Who
Is
This
?
Hiccup winced, and heard a crinkling, looking up to see his new cat chewing on the plastic bag from the pet store.
"No don't eat that!" Hiccup jumped off the couch and stumbled in his haste, briefly grabbing the back of the couch for balance. The as-yet unnamed cat growled as he approached, but Hiccup just told him to shush as he pulled the bag away and tossed it onto the kitchen table.
The cat followed Hiccup back to the couch, Hiccup glancing suspiciously over his shoulder as he did.
The cat wasn't graceful, exactly; with one back leg, he lifted his rear in a hopping motion with every step and kept his tail cocked toward the left to compensate. As Hiccup watched, he clawed his way up the back of the couch and did his hop-step along the edge roll until he reached Hiccup's shoulder, at which point he sat and began to stare.
Hiccup's phone buzzed again and he let out a sigh. Both Snot and Not-Snot were lighting him up, via Facebook and SMS.
hiccup
Who the fuck seriously
Hiccup felt a paw on his shoulder again.
hiccup i want to see ythe cat
Who's this
Now the cat was climbing onto his head.
show me ur pussy hiccup lol
Who is this?
"Agh," Hiccup said, and turned off his phone, then stuck it under the couch cushion for good measure.
The next day when he turned his phone back on there were three new messages from Not-Snot, which he barely even looked at, except for to note the area code because in the back of his mind he worried about these things.
747… what was that, the valley? Could be as close as North Hollywood, though… Still, it was a pretty big area code, right? And LA was a huge city. Hiccup didn't need to be worried about this. It was stupid to worry about this.
There were also four voicemails from his father demanding why he was being sent straight to voicemail, which drove Not-Snot out of his mind. And when they didn't text again, he forgot about them for a whole year.
By the next summer Hiccup had moved out of the third-floor apartment and rented out a residential annex closer to campus that allowed pets; luckily by that time Toothless, as he'd named the war-torn cat, had also grown out of most of his bad habits. He still viewed people as furniture, but at least had caught onto the idea of a litter box pretty quickly.
There was a pounding against the door. With a sigh, adjusting the duffel bag on his shoulder, Hiccup opened it.
"Hand it over," said Snotlout without preamble.
Hiccup tapped his fingers against his shoulder, and felt Toothless climb up his back to settle there as usual. "Hand what over?"
Snot snapped his fingers in front of Hiccup's face, ignoring the way Toothless made a lackluster swipe for his fingers. "My birthday present. And I swear Hiccup, if you're taking me to another downtown artsy fartsy thing or whatever, I'm walking away. I could be playing laser tag right now," he added, as if nothing could possibly top this.
"We're going to Santa Monica."
"The beach?" Snotlout did a fist pump. "Yes!"
Hiccup wasn't particularly as enthused about the beach-trip as Snot was, even though it was his idea; it used to be because of his leg and people stared, but his new leg was had an aqua sport flesh-colored covering so that wasn't the issue. The real issue was walking on sand made him feel clumsy, and with Snot there Hiccup was about seventy percent likely to eat sand today. But Snot loved the beach, mostly because bikinis, and it was his birthday, so.
"There's also a ferris wheel."
"Oh god Hiccup don't ruin it already," Snot groaned, and then accused, "You didn't tell me to bring my bathing suit! Oh well, nude it is I guess—"
"Nope," said Hiccup, stepping over the threshold past Snot and locking his door. Toothless moved from his shoulder to settle around the back of his neck like a scarf, hooking his right hind leg over Hiccup's collarbone. "They sell them at the pier, that's your birthday present."
"And flip-flops too, right?"
"Yeah. Sure. I guess."
"I'll need a matching beach towel."
"I'm bringing beach towels with—"
"I'll need a matching beach towel," Snot repeated as they made their way to the street, where Hiccup had his car parked.
Hiccup sighed, rubbing a hand over his face; Toothless caught his thumb with a paw.
"And a rad pair of aviators."
"That's… okay, but that's it—"
"And some SPF 50 at the least, my skin's too beautiful to—"
Hiccup patted his sports bag to show he had that covered already.
"Is that what you're wearing?" demanded Snot.
Hiccup looked down. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"
"We're gonna be seen together, nerd. You've had those same lime green swim trunks since high school."
"They still fit."
"God, you're gonna wear your T-shirt the whole time too, aren't you."
"Unless I want claw marks down my back, yeah," Hiccup said, throwing his duffel bag in the back seat and getting into the driver's side. At least Snot didn't notice Hiccup's velcro strap sandals, but if Hiccup wore flip-flops he tended to kick off the left one.
Toothless hopped onto the front seat, only to jump back into Hiccup's lap as Snot opened the passenger side door.
"Excuses excuses," Snot snorted as he buckled up. "I can't believe you're taking him too."
"Toothless likes the beach," Hiccup said absently as he pulled away from the curb. "He attacks the foam then runs away."
"Your cat's much cooler than you are, Hiccup," Snot patted Toothless on the head vigorously, who gave him the stink eye before pointedly smoothing down his fur again. "You only run. Try to, at least."
"That was the old leg!" Hiccup protested, smoothing down the black brace cover on his left thigh. "You know how hard it is to swim when one of your limbs keeps trying to float?"
"You'd think it'd make it easier."
"Well. It doesn't."
They drove on for a while in silence, and Hiccup had just started to realize that that in itself was weird when Snot said aloud, "Who's Jenni?"
"Huh?" Hiccup glanced over to see Snot bent over Hiccup's phone. "Hey, get your own phone!"
Hiccup made a half-hearted grab for it, but Snot just moved it closer to the passenger side window.
"Is she cute?"
"I'm sure her husband thinks so," Hiccup said pointedly.
"Aww. Still, just 'cause she's married—"
"I'm gonna stop you right there."
"I'm just saying, sometimes it's the married ones that end up being the most freaky in—"
"I will not ask you how you know that, Snot, but please, seriously."
"You're such a drag sometimes, cuz."
In response Hiccup turned the radio on.
Snot turned it off almost immediately.
"What—?"
"Who's this?" Snot waved the phone in front of Hiccup's nose.
"Whoa!" Hiccup pushed the arm down. "Trying to drive here!"
"They texted you like ten times today."
Hiccup frowned, thinking to himself he was lucky if he got ten texts in a month. "You're the only one who's texted me today, and all you said was I'm on my way loser."
"Loser," Snot chuckled, as if reminded of the most hilarious joke. There was a pause, and Hiccup glanced over to see Snot's thumb moving as he scrolled. "Oh wait this was on my birthday last year."
Hiccup frowned, grabbing Toothless around the stomach as he tried to climb up on the dashboard. "Can you take the cat please?"
Without looking up from Hiccup's phone, Snot picked up Toothless and brought him to his lap. Toothless seemed disgruntled about this, most likely because Snot petted too hard. Indeed, the cat looked slightly squashed as Snot ran a hand down his back.
"Hang on, this is me!" Snot eventually exclaimed. "This is my old number! I don't remember this picture of Toothless."
Hiccup finally remembered, and burst out laughing.
"What? What's funny? Hiccup, tell me what's funny."
"Not-Snot." Hiccup shook his head, still grinning.
"Not me what?"
"No, that was the day Toothless ambushed me—you'd just gotten your Note 5, remember?"
"Actually, your dad got me that."
"Seriously?"
"How d'you think I got it all unofficially?"
"I haven't had a new phone in like four years," grumbled Hiccup.
"Haha, I know. Mine cost like a thousand dollars too."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome. Wow, Not-Me seems really mad. You sure you didn't try to send a dick pic?"
They were at a red light so Hiccup felt safe enough to close his eyes briefly. Finally, he said slowly and clearly, being sure to enunciate each word, "Snot, if there were any universe in which I would even consider doing something like that, why would I send it to, of all people, you?"
"I don't know. Maybe you had a lump?"
The light turned green, and Hiccup pulled forward, shaking his head in bewilderment. "So naturally you're the first person I ask? What could you have done?"
"Well, I could tell you it's probably not good, for starters."
"I mean, thanks, but—"
"Hiccup, if you have a lump, you should probably get that checked out."
"I don't have a—you know what, never mind."
"Why'd you never text them back? You know, sorry, wrong number, so are you hot, kinda thing."
"I don't know," Hiccup shrugged. "Ignoring it was easier I guess."
"You should send Not-Me a Tooth update!" Snot exclaimed. "Now that he's not all covered in ticks."
Hiccup laughed. "I'm not sure they'd appreciate that."
"Come on, it's been a year almost to the hour."
After a moment, Hiccup said, "Sure, why not." Truthfully, he was a little amused thinking what the reaction on the other end might be. Keeping his wheel steady with one hand, he tapped the dashboard in front of Snot, and Toothless hopped straight up. "Hurry up, before he falls."
After a second, Snot said, "Got it."
"Is it a good one?"
"Yeah, his fur's super shiny and he looks evil."
"Hit send." Hiccup reached out toward Toothless without looking, who clawed his way up his arm to settle on his shoulder once again.
They hadn't even reached the next stoplight before Hiccup heard his phone buzz.
Snot read aloud, "Okay who is this?"
Hiccup laughed, somehow unsurprised.
"Wow, they're coming in quick. Who is this? And again. Should I say something?"
"Nah," Hiccup smirked, "just keep reading." He felt claws dig into his shoulder briefly before Toothless leapt the gap between the seats, then proceeded to use Snot's headrest as a scratching post.
"Who is this, seriously who the eff is this… holy hell, they're mad."
Hiccup just shrugged, still grinning. He remembered when this happened last year he mostly felt anxious about it, but with a partner in crime next to him it was suddenly hilarious.
After a moment Snot twisted in his seat, and Hiccup glanced over to see him digging his own phone out of his back pocket.
"What are you doing?" Hiccup asked.
"Sending them a pic of the Hookster."
"Why?"
"Why not?"
Well, that was a good enough reason as any, Hiccup supposed.
For several minutes he drove in silence, while Snot pored over his phone.
"Have you sent one yet?" Hiccup finally demanded.
"Nah, I'm trying to find the best one."
"How many pictures of Hookfang do you have, exactly?"
"So many. But I want one that suggests my cat beat up your cat."
Hiccup scowled, and peeked at Toothless, who was hanging off the passenger seat like his feet were made of velcro. Then he turned back to the road.
"Your cat can't beat up my cat," Hiccup said.
"You don't know that."
"Yes I do. Toothless beats me up."
"Everyone beats you up, Hic," Snot said without missing a beat, still scrolling through his photo gallery.
Hiccup opened his mouth to say something, but only managed an eyeroll.
After another few minutes Snot guffawed so loud that Toothless sprang into the backseat.
"They're going off on me! Who is this, seriously stop messing with me, what the actual hell…"
"Anything else for me?" Hiccup wanted to know.
After switching phones, Snot said, "Not-Me also wants to beat you up."
"Great."
"Yeah, this is amazing!"
It was the perfect temperature by the beach, the sharp ocean wind stealing heat from the air. Hiccup and Snot walked together down the promenade toward the pier; Snot was wearing his brand new beach outfit, and the theme he apparently decided to go for was red, black, and flames, with a matching towel slung over a bare shoulder.
"Come on, let me hold Tooth for a while," begged Snot. He and Hiccup had just been stopped by the third group of girls asking if they could pet Toothless. The cat, initially irritated after being forced into the kitty harness, was now grudgingly purring in his spot draped across the back of Hiccup's neck. "I didn't realize the cat was such a babe magnet."
Hiccup gave Snot a skeptical look. "Keyword cat," he said, "we may as well be invisible."
"Come on, man!"
Rolling his eyes, Hiccup reached up to pull Toothless off his shoulder, who raked a long line on the back of Hiccup's hand as he was handed over to Snot. Snot attempted to situate the cat atop his beach towel that lay on his shoulder, but Toothless wouldn't keep still, and tried to slither his way behind Snot's broad neck.
"Ow! Watch the nails!" said Snot, leaning his head forward and wincing. "Ow ow ow ow, jeez, cat—AH! Okay. Take him back."
Toothless had just batted at Snot's brand new aviators, so they dangled off one ear.
Hiccup grinned as he detached Toothless' hind foot from Snot's towel. "And you made fun of me for wearing a shirt."
Rubbing resentfully at the fresh claw marks on his shoulder and adjusting his sunglasses, Snot grumbled, "No wonder all your clothes have holes in them."
"I brought some Neosporin with me if—"
"Neosporin's for wimps," Snot scoffed as they resumed their walk toward the beach. "Whatever. I'll bring the Hookster next time. He's prettier than Tooth anyway."
"Hook also bolts when you turn the kitchen sink on," Hiccup pointed out, feeling Toothless perch his front paws atop his head, grabbing hair and scalp with his claws for balance. "You wouldn't get him within a mile of the ocean."
"I'd put your face a mile in the ocean if your leg didn't keep you afloat."
"No, that's the point, this one actually has these holes so when—"
"Boring!" Snot interjected. "Come on, buy me a hot dog."
They took their hot dogs to the waterfront, a few hundred feet away from the iconic view of Santa Monica's pier. Toothless sat atop Hiccup's head as he polished off his hot dog, swiping at it every time Hiccup brought it up toward his mouth. He got Hiccup's nose a few times.
Hiccup tore off a piece of his last bite of hot dog and reached up to give it to Toothless.
"Shit," came Snot's voice. "We gotta move, Hic."
"What? Why?"
Snot held out Hiccup's own phone again, which Hiccup took, frowning.
Unbeknownst to him his cousin had taken a picture of Toothless as he sat atop Hiccup's head; the ferris wheel was in the background. It was actually quite a good picture, not least because Snot had the good sense to leave his face out of it, but he didn't have time to appreciate that once he saw the reply (from "Not snot", as the contact was reprogrammed in Hiccup's phone):
I know exactly where you are.
He and Snot exchanged a panicked look.
By the time they had frantically gathered all their items, Toothless helping by chasing the whipping towel corners, another text had come in. Like watching an asteroid catapult toward Earth, Hiccup had to stop what he was doing to look.
My dog eats your cat, with a picture of the aforementioned dog.
"Oh my god," said Hiccup.
Snot peered over his shoulder. "Hey, it's a lady hand!" He referred to the hand at the dog's collar, but that was the last thing Hiccup was looking at.
"It's a pitbull," said Hiccup.
"Red nail polish, look!"
"It's a pitbull with an underbite."
"She matches my towel."
"It's standing on sand." Hiccup glanced around worriedly. "Can we go now please?"
They began to move through the heavy sand, Toothless doing his odd skip beside them, until Snot stopped short. "Wait, why are we running? It's not like she knows what we look like."
Hiccup stopped to face him. "We have a cat. At the beach. In Santa Monica. I think that's specific enough."
"You have a cat," Snot reminded. "I'm just your average hefty chunk of mancake." When Hiccup just stared, he went on, "You know, your cat, your problem."
This was unbelievable.
"You sent the damn picture! Could you have chosen a more recognizable skyline?"
"Tough, bro. I'm gonna go play volleyball. These muscles need an audience."
"What about familial loyalty!" Hiccup yelled after Snot's retreating form.
Didn't exist anymore, apparently.
Sighing, Hiccup bent to scoop up Toothless, did a three-sixty degree turn, then walked as quickly as he could from the waterfront, considering his options. The sand tried to hold him back with each step.
Where to run? They'd probably expect him to move from the beach after that last text, so maybe the smartest choice was to stay where he was? On the other hand, if they did end up finding him here, it would feel like a very stupid choice indeed. The pier? The pier was crowded, which was a plus. Nowhere to really go though, if he got trapped.
Toothless perched on his shoulder, facing backwards with his hind foot in the hollow of Hiccup's collarbone, permanently-cocked tail curling under his nose like a mustache.
A store! Yeah, he'd just browse around for an hour or so. Shops didn't allow pets, no way that dog—wait, damn, Toothless counted as a pet, didn't he.
Hiccup had just decided to hide in his car with the radio on when Toothless' fluffy tail whipped him in the nose. Then he felt a sharp poke in his back. Toothless hissed, spat and jerked in a sudden movement, one set of claws digging into Hiccup's shoulder blade.
"Agh!" cried Hiccup, at the same time someone behind him said, "Ah!," so Hiccup turned around, his mouth dropped open, he said, "Agh," again, took two giant steps backwards, misbalanced, and fell on his ass.
Toothless had managed to keep his perch by grabbing at Hiccup's T-shirt like a falling curtain until it was hiked up enough for his claws to sink in the bare flesh of his stomach instead. Hiccup caught the kitty harness just as the cat tried to tear his way down the length of Hiccup's outstretched left leg.
At the same time, directly at face-level was a leaping and howling dark gray pitbull, which would bay at Toothless before bouncing back behind its owner's legs, the slack in the blue leash bobbing with the movement. Long legs. Attached to a long body. And he'd already glimpsed the face. Hiccup remembered belatedly to shut his mouth.
Why, Hiccup thought, for so many reasons.
One of the reasons was, apparently, that the recipient of his unsolicited Toothless pictures—and he knew this for a fact because, pitbull, distinctive underbite, although a refreshing lack of cat-eating—the recipient was definitely Not. Snot. From Hiccup's point of view it went sneakers, pitbull, leg, more leg, jogging shorts, and then he rather guiltily skipped to her face. Loose hairs came free from her long golden ponytail and were stuck to her forehead.
She also definitely seemed angry, bearing a crunched expression with a twist of shock at the whirlwind of events. One hand was pulled back against her chest, thumb pressed down hard on her index finger. Beside her the gray dog howled again, then hid its face behind its owner's knees after Toothless spat back.
"Your cat attacked me!" She stuck her finger at him accusingly.
Hiccup pushed himself on one elbow, squinting a little with the sun directly above them. He held Toothless with one hand, the electrified fur on his rounded back ticking the back of his knuckles. The cat's tail was diagonal in the air but straight and fuzzy as a bottle brush.
"I think he defended me," Hiccup pointed out, feeling it was unfair that, despite this, he was the one that ended up on his ass with Toothless' claws painfully gripping that really sensitive part just above his left knee. Tooth couldn't have stopped a little further, and grabbed the fabric of the knee brace, could he. No. Damn cat had to choose the half of the leg that still had nerve endings. Wincing, Hiccup added, "Against all appearances," and tried to delicately pick Toothless' talons out of his skin.
The pitbull squeezed off a few more barks before the woman finally called her dog off: "Stormfly! Leave it!"
Then she unzipped an honest-to-goodness fanny pack, not even trying to play it cool by wearing it sideways on her hip, but straight in front, like she was in some kind of 90s dance music video.
Hiccup was too busy being amused by this detail that he had to blink and focus when she brandished her phone at him.
"So? You have anything to say for yourself, funny guy?"
She pulled back after a warning growl emanated from Toothless; Hiccup held him more securely to his chest, shushing him and giving him a little shake, which upped the whine by an octave. Rolling his eyes Hiccup took the Neosporin out of his pocket, undoing the cap with the same hand.
"Need some?" he asked, proffering it.
"No," she said, hiking her lip and shaking her head a little. "Do you seriously just carry that around with you?" she demanded.
Hiccup shrugged, dabbing some on his leg. "Yep."
"I was talking about the cat."
"Then… also yes."
There was a pause, in which there was only the sound of seagulls and turning waves. Hiccup had the feeling that, for her, this encounter hadn't gone the way she had imagined it in her head. Well that made two of them. He literally had no idea what to say in this situation. Seriously, life had given him two chances at a first impression with this woman and in the first one, he'd made an ass of himself, and in the second one, he'd landed on it.
Wonderful. He actually should have predicted this.
"So? Are you going to enlighten me about the creepy cat pictures?"
"Um, right," Hiccup cringed, screwing the top back on the Neosporin, still keeping a hold of aforementioned growling creepy cat with one arm. "It was an accident?"
"Hm," she said, making a point of scrolling through her phone with her eyebrows high. "I have gotten three separate pictures of two different cats in the past two hours." She put her arm down, and leaned forward over where he was still lying in the sand, casting a shadow. If Hiccup were not already on the ground he would have leaned back because if she was trying to be intimidating, it was definitely working. On the other hand, her eyes were very blue, she wore a sports bra under a plain white tank top and was rocking it, and her voice sounded very dangerous as she said, "Who did you give my number out to?"
This was just getting better and better.
Hiccup froze, trying to recall any justifiable explanation he had for allowing Snot to lay his hands on this woman's number. There was none. There would never be, especially if—oh god, Snot was never ever allowed to find out what she looked like. And if she thought cat pictures were bad… Hiccup would never forgive himself.
The panic and guilt he was feeling must have flashed over his face, because she stood straight again, folding her arms and favoring him with a cool, vindicated look. The blue leash, full of slack with her dog still peeking from between her ankles, waved around with the movement.
"So, okay, today it… wasn't an accident," Hiccup admitted, ashamed to admit at this point he was holding Toothless like a goddamn shield, "but, hah, this is a funny story actually—"
"Trust me. I've been laughing." She did not look at all like she'd been laughing.
Cringing, he bowled on, "—well, it's my cousin's birthday today, and it's also kinda my one-year anniversary of getting Toothless—ow, thanks, bud—and, um—"
"I don't like being messed around with," she growled, taking a step forward. "You showed up on my beach."
"Okay, first of all, we only started messing with you today. And second, seriously? It's just cats. Third—"
"It's not just about the damn cat pictures! It's the principle of the thing, it's common courtesy, it's—how did you even get my number?" Her face screwed up, and then she burst out: "Why?"
Hiccup looked down at Toothless, whose tail was whipping in irritation, laughed a little, then looked back up. Her face was blotchy red, although from exertion from her jog or chasing him down or whatever, or purely from anger he was unable to tell. She breathed like a bull through her nose and the ocean breeze tugged at the flyaways in her ponytail. It was kinda glorious.
"I apologize from the bottom of my heart," he said, as sincerely as he could manage considering the subject matter, "about the unsolicited cat pictures. It was a misdial that just… snowballed, and it will not happen again. Wait," he said, loudly, waving his free hand when she opened her mouth to interrupt, "hold on, let me guess."
He paused, waited for her confusion to settle, her eyebrows twisting together.
And Hiccup couldn't help himself as he continued, "By previous experience I gather your next question will be, Who is this." At her huff of disbelieving laughter, Hiccup lifted Toothless a little by the harness, whose three paws grabbed his shirt and pulled at it with the movement. There were faint ripping sounds and he rolled his eyes. "This, is Toothless. The cat."
Her eyes ran over both of them skeptically, then, voice filled with derision, she asked, "And you call him Toothless because…?"
"Because he doesn't bite?"
And Hiccup could swear, by the way her mouth pinched together and screwed her eyebrows further down, that she almost smiled for real. At the same time he was keenly aware of his pathetic position on the sand in front of her.
She said dryly, "That's a little misleading, don't you think?"
"It was his only positive trait for the longest time, I needed to something to celebrate. At least he doesn't bite." Hiccup said that last sentence like a mantra, because it had been, for a while. Then he held out his hand, both to shake and as a subtle plea for a hand up. "Hi? My name's Hiccup?"
For some reason, that was exactly the wrong thing to say. Shaking her head, she said, "You just don't stop, do you. Come on, Stormfly."
The pitbull hopped up and gave Hiccup, or Toothless, a wide berth as the woman strode past him. Hiccup stared a second with his hand still in the air, wondering how that was the dealbreaker in the conversation, of all things.
Then he scrambled up, only slipping once before catching himself. Toothless was dislodged but managed to spring up onto Hiccup's lower back as he hopped, trying to pull his left sandal on a little more securely, while at the same time brushing away as much of the clinging sand as he could.
"Wait wait!" he said, catching up to her as the cat slung himself over his shoulder; Hiccup laced his fingers through the harness, just in case. "I wasn't messing with you again, I promise, that's my—what I call myself. I mean, I hate my first name."
The woman stopped with a loud sigh, like he was ruining her whole day. "What is this, some sort of clever ploy to get me to ask your name?"
Okay, Hiccup thought, so it wasn't a trick of the light, her eyes were actually that color blue. He winced and shifted to the side, pulling at an earlobe. "No, I'm just trying to—I don't know. I call my cousin Snot, if that… helps." Now that he said it Hiccup didn't see why it would.
"You seem to have a lot of cousins," she snapped.
"Same cousin, actually… kind of a middle school thing that stuck." Hiccup glanced around, thinking the cousin in question would pick this time of any to show up, but luckily his vision remained Snot-free.
Finally she rolled her eyes, as if she hated herself for even asking, before drawling, "So what's worse than Hiccup?"
Hiccup had actually hoped she wouldn't ask this question, and luckily Toothless bought him time by slipping onto his other shoulder, forcing Hiccup to change hands in order to keep hold of the harness; the cat's gleaming green eyes were trained on the dog at the woman's feet.
"Hank," he finally said, trying not to cringe as he said it, because that was probably half the problem.
Finally he felt the cat settle down across his neck, tail still whisking at his ear, but relaxed enough for Hiccup to drop his hold on the harness.
"Hank," she repeated.
Hiccup shrugged, brushing Toothless' tail away then pulling his hand through his hair.
"You sound like you're about to start lecturing some kid named Bobby."
"I do wrestle with that urge some days," allowed Hiccup with a somber nod.
He was rewarded with a shrewd raised eyebrow, and about ten percent of a smile. "You know you could have sent all that in a text," she lifted her chin and crossed her arms. "Like a year ago, the first time I asked."
Hiccup froze for a moment, then dared to look at her, mind working very quickly; her voice and stance was challenging, but her expression was still slightly amused. "You were pretty terrifying like a year ago," he admitted; he hesitated, smiled, and added, "You were pretty terrifying like a minute ago."
"And I'm not terrifying now?" she asked as she took a step away.
Hiccup fell into pace beside her. "A little less." He brought his index finger and thumb really close to indicate that it was just a tiny little bit less. "Once I realized Stormfly here has the 'guard dog' concept backwards—"
"Hey, don't you—how dare you!" She kneeled down to pull the pitt's head between her hands, rubbing briefly and shooting Hiccup a reproachful glare. "It's that big mean cat, isn't it," she murmured to a few sloppy dog kisses through a jutting rake of teeth; Toothless flexed his claws into Hiccup's shoulder. "She had a bad experience when she was a puppy, okay?"
Hiccup held up his hands. "I was scared the first time I met Toothless too, can't even blame her."
Snorting, she stood and nodded at the cat resting his head below Hiccup's ear. "Try having a picture of that thing show up an hour after you activate your new phone."
"I can't call your dog a wimp but you can call my cat a thing?"
"Apparently."
Hiccup opened his mouth, shook his head a little, and closed his mouth, having expected a bit more of an argument. As she stood with a final pat to Stormfly's head, he caught a crafty sideways smile.
Luckily, Toothless didn't understand English any more now than he had when Hiccup discovered him on that first day, so the insult went over his head. He happily stretched out his neck when Hiccup, himself pouting, scratched him under the chin.
Truthfully, Hiccup was captivated. She had chased him down with a pitbull that was apparently afraid of cats, then proceeded to baby-talk at it, and on top of it all she unironically wore a bright orange fanny pack, and then like a nice neat underline she was stunning. Just altogether. Hiccup was glad they had resumed their slow walk forward, because he needed to look where he was going and that made it difficult to stare at the sharp tanline on her neck and collarbone from the wide strap of her sports bra, or the way her high ponytail swayed with each step.
If Hiccup were realistic with himself, he really should bow out right now. He had no idea how he'd managed to say so many words to her without actually eating sand at this point. Seriously, before he did or said something else completely idiotic, or before Toothless pounced at her ponytail, or anything. Quit while he was ahead. But she hadn't told him to go away yet, and she struck Hiccup as the type of person that would tell someone to go away if she wanted them to go away. It didn't help that she was painfully fun to talk to, and that he was finding it difficult to resist pushing the mark and figuring out where her edges were. They were cutting, he knew that much.
"I'm shocked you've managed to stay quiet this long."
Hiccup raised his eyebrows, then turned his head forward and laughed nervously, worried she caught him staring. "Oh, you know," he said, "trying to figure out how to ask your name without you overreacting."
"Are you."
When Hiccup glanced over, she was giving him a look that made him feel like a complete idiot. The pitbull Stormfly padded along silently on her other side.
"Yeah, I mean, you had the perfect opportunity, back when I was introducing myself."
"Did I."
Hiccup chewed the inside of his lip, uncertain as to how annoyed she actually was right now. But he said, "You know, like, reciprocation. I think I've dropped enough hints by this point."
"Have you?"
He frowned down at her for a second, compulsively reaching up to scratch Toothless behind the ear, who between the rocking motion of the walk and the relative lack of dog-howling and slobbering, was purring sleepily on his shoulder.
"But then I'm forced to assume that if you were planning on telling me, you would have done it already," Hiccup said.
"That's a pretty sound assumption."
"I mean, I really have no right to ask your name, considering I've already abused the privilege of your phone number."
"This is also true." She looked so smug.
Hiccup smiled widely, and faced forward as he said, "Okay, I guess you're Not-Snot forever then."
Stormfly for the first time walked until her lead snapped tight, and she looked around inquisitively at her owner, who herself had stopped short. "Really?"
Still grinning and stooping a bit to scratch the dog under the chin, Hiccup pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Sorry, Not-Snot." Toothless stretched on his shoulder and Hiccup felt him begin to misbalance, so he caught him by the harness and lay him draped within the crook of one arm.
She pulled a face at him. "Not-your-cousin was the best you could come up with?"
"Look, it's in my contacts, practically makes it official."
Scoffing, and stomping past him again, she muttered, "Yeah, I have you as Creepy Warcat Guy."
Hiccup couldn't answer for a moment, he just drifted after her. Finally, he said hoarsely, "That's amazing."
"At least better than what you came up with," she said airily, "and here's a tip…" She swung around to face him, and this was intoxicating, she was so close and her hair was stained dark with sweat or saltwater, and her eyes were huge even with her eyebrows pulled down low, and of course the cat had to be between them in Hiccup's arms. Of course. "If you're trying to pick up a girl, avoid using the word overreact."
At this point, he should have just conceded and said, Duly noted. Maybe quibbled a bit over the term picked up, but that really should have been the farthest he dared.
But Hiccup was kind of a stickler for the details, so he couldn't help but point out, "You came after me with a pitbull."
When she looked taken aback, he clarified, "Because of a few cat pictures."
And honestly, he might have actually surfed clear through that gigantic wave if he had stopped himself there and not gone any further, but something and god only knows what induced him to add, "I mean, it wasn't like I sent you dick pics or anything."
Why why why, Hiccup thought, briefly closing his eyes, as if that would somehow rewind this moment in time. This was Snot's fault. Somehow, this was all Snot's fault. Of everything in his short-term memory, Hiccup just had to… well, this was it. This had to be the dealbreaker in the conversation; he really should have bowed out earlier.
"Are you serious," she said.
"Wow," said Hiccup.
"Did you really just say to me, at least I didn't send a dick pic."
"No—no," Hiccup repeated, when she looked about to argue, "there's actually linguistically ah, a difference between at least I didn't and it wasn't like I sent a dick pic, because, oh god—" He said it again. He said dick pic again.
Hiccup covered his face with one hand. When he peeked through his fingers, she didn't even look revulsed. Just disappointed, shaking her head sadly at him.
"You really can't stop, can you." There was a pitying edge to her tone.
Hiccup sighed and looked down at Toothless nestled in his arm. The cat was fully awake, and even his face was judgy.
"Will you—" Hiccup grimaced. "Can you just, like, delete the last five minutes from your brain and let me start over?"
She raised an eyebrow which, well, it wasn't a No.
"Hi. I'm Hiccup. This is Toothless," he bounced his forearm a little, Toothless responding appropriately by clutching on with his claws. "Don't worry, he doesn't bite." And he held out his free hand for her to shake.
Toothless growled low then began to climb his way back up the front of Hiccup's shirt.
To his amazement, she smiled and took it. "Hi Hiccup." He was floored by the possibility that she may have actually maybe forgiven him, and between this and the way her face looked when she smiled, Hiccup almost missed what came next: "I don't give my name to guys who wear velcro strap sandals."
Hiccup didn't let go of her hand because he was not actually that stupid, but he did stop shaking it and look down at his feet. Well, foot and not-foot.
Then he felt really kinda offended.
"You're wearing a fanny pack!" he exclaimed.
She wrenched her hand out of his to jab a finger in his face. "Fanny packs are useful!" she barked.
"So's velcro."
Making a disgusted noise in the back of her throat, and after shaking her head one last time, she turned and jogged away. Stormfly picked up to a trot beside her, blue leash bobbing into the horizon.
Hiccup watched her go for a few seconds, then wanted to punch himself in the face.
So he actually was that stupid. He had managed to dodge the eternal flame he by all accounts deserved for even thinking the term dick pic in front of a girl he just met, let alone saying it aloud. Why had he immediately after this, of all things, started in on the fanny pack? Like, it was gonna get mentioned eventually, because something like that deserved to be discussed. But he could have given it a few minutes' grace so soon after… oh god.
He could now honestly say he made women run away from him. What a milestone. All at the plucky age of twenty-four too. Not even out of grad school yet.
When he looked down, Toothless was still judging him with his eyes.
"Snot cannot know about any of this," Hiccup told him.