Just one more moment.
Kakashi watched her leave and he knew that no matter what he said, he couldn't get her back. She was going to leave him forever. His heart ached, he wanted to call out to her, but something inside him told him it was useless, she was going to leave him. There was another part that screamed at him to call out to her, to try to find some way to make this right again. He'd said some stupid things, and acted at probably the worst times ever in his life, but if he didn't act now…he's lose his reason for living. Sure he was no Edward Cullen and he could die in any way he chose, and sure she was no Bella Swan, she was much more than that. An Edward without a Bella just meant no meaning to life. Him without her in his life meant no existence at all.
That's all that's needed.
She was in the bedroom, packing up things she'd left there for the nights when the passion became too much for either of them to handle and she'd stay the night. Her long hair, which she'd grown out just for him because he asked her too, whipped around behind her as she moved between the dresser and the bed, throwing things inside her suitcase. God she looked so beautiful when she was upset. He wanted to go to her, but he had a feeling she would just push him off, like she had every other time she was upset with him. He had a feeling this would be the last time ever she would be upset with him. Nonetheless he took a step forward and another, and another until he was right behind her. She sensed his presence and went stiff. She didn't move, didn't speak, and didn't look up at him.
Like wounded soldiers.
He thought back to every precious memory he had of her, he'd made sure to commit them all to memory, because he knew, even back then, that one day he was going to lose her. She deserved so much more than what he could give her, but he was satisfied to have her while he could. While she couldn't see past her own desires to what was really out there. He told her long ago that he was hers until she decided to push him away. Once she got smart and realized that there were better things out there for her. Someone who could give her everything she'd ever dreamed of. There was so much more than him. She just couldn't see it back then.
In need of healing.
He remembered the first night he found the feelings lurking deep inside, just waiting to break free. The first night he realized that he was in love with her…
He knew something was wrong when she'd been late for their mission briefing. He'd been her sensei for nearly three years, and then, once he was no longer her sensei, Tsunade still sent them on missions together. As Team Kakashi. He'd figured she would have split them up, let her continue training her, while Jiraiya taught Naruto. He'd figured Tsunade would put him in charge of another genin team and let him train them. But much to his delight, she'd let them all stay together. He'd gone to her apartment after the mission briefing. He'd known something was wrong in her jade eyes. They weren't nearly as bright as they always seemed to be. There was something behind there that she was trying to hide, and he didn't like that fact one bit. Someone as beautiful as she was should never have such a sadness lurking just under the surface of her gaze like that. When he knocked on her door she'd opened it and he could see that things were much more serious then he'd thought. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, her face had a hint of rosy pink to them, and her cheeks were still wet from where tears had trailed down. One look told him that she felt like her world was crashing in around her.
"What's wrong?" he asked moving into the apartment so she could close the door. She'd only shook her head and tried to blink back more tears that were threatening to break loose.
"My mom, she's dying…she's not going to survive long enough for me to return from the mission," she said with a hoarse voice.
Kakashi's heart melted into his chest, seeping through all the cracks that time had put there, from all the losses of his friends and family. He bled for her, the ice around his heart melting. All along he knew she was the only one who could do it. No one else had managed to melt that ice, it'd been too thick. Not even Rin could manage to melt it. He followed her to her room and sat in front of her on the bed. The floor and bed were littered with tissues, used and new, she'd been worried about her mom for quite some time from the looks of it. It was then that he noticed how serious things were. She was too damn skinny, she hadn't been eating, and it looked like she'd been neglecting her apartment as well. Dust and dirt were everywhere and she wasn't one to let things go by without cleaning them. Even if they didn't need it. She folded her hands in her lap and looked down. Kakashi couldn't resist reaching out to touch her. He smoothed her hair away from her face and wiped her tears away. She broke down then and cried. He held her the whole night, until she was sleeping and even then. When he'd tried to move away she grew restless in her sleep. If he could grant her one night of peaceful sleep he would do that for her.
While he was watching her that night, he knew that this is where he belonged; holding her, protecting her from anything that might want to hurt her, emotionally or physically. He'd read in books of males who'd want to protect their women from any harm, sleeping with a knife in their hand, one arm resting around the women they loved while they slept. He'd never known the feeling before now. Now he was glad he'd come fully armed with kunai and other weapons to protect her. He realized that night, that she was going to be the undoing of him. He was going to fall helplessly in love with her, and even though she was not his to have, he would fight to keep her. He would do her bidding, be at her beckoning call, until the day she pushed him away. That night he pledged his heart to her.
If only he'd managed to protect her from himself, none of this would have happened.
Time to be honest.
Kakashi knew back then that he was going to end up hurting her in the end. It was inevitable. But he was selfish and he'd wanted everything she would give him, every moment of life she would spare to him. He loved her. There were no other words for what he felt for her. He was totally and irrevocably in love with her, and no matter what happened, that would never change. He would love her until his heart stopped beating, and if she'd ever need him in the future he'd be there. Call him crazy, but he would do anything she'd ask him to. That was the way of love. There were no words to describe what he felt inside.
When she lifted her medical kit and put it beside her suitcase he remembered the time he'd come back from a mission and instead of going to the hospital like Tsunade had told him, he'd gone to her house, so she could heal him. Even back then he'd wanted as much time with her as possible.
This time I'm pleading.
He knocked on her door, not even sure if she'd be up still. It was well into the early morning hours, any normal person would be asleep in their beds at this hour. God knew he wanted to fall face first into his. But she opened the door and looked up at him. "What happened?" she asked looking at him.
He shrugged his shoulders and leaned against the door. "I broke a finger and Tsunade wanted me to go to the hospital. I figured I'd bypass all of that and come straight here." He informed her matter-of-factly. She huffed and let him into her apartment. He walked in and noticed how much things had changed. Everything was clean, neat, tidy, just like her. There were no more childhood things littering the place. It looked like the apartment of a young adult. Just like she was.
"Let me see it," she demanded. He pulled his hand out of his pocket and showed it to her. The finger was bent in three different directions, swollen, and starting to turn colors. She glared at him and set her medical kit down on the counter. He knew he was going to hear a lecture from her about it, but if he could hear the sound of her voice, he didn't care what she was saying. Or in what tone for that matter. She started lecturing him on how to be more careful as she re-located the digits and started splitting the finger so it could heal properly. He admitted to himself that had he thought about it while on the mission, he'd broken a few more fingers just to stay in her company longer. He was in love with her, and he'd do anything to be around her…and she had no idea.
He shook his head, trying to clear the memories that kept assaulting his brain.
This time I'm pleading.
If he thought a love song would keep her around he would drop to his knees and sing it to her, but as she turned her jade green eyes on him he knew she was up to her wits end with him. He'd hurt her too many times for her to hang around anymore. But damn him he was a selfish bastard and he wanted her with him for the rest of his life. He thought that if he saw another man with her he'd die. Every time he'd have to see her with another man, his arm around her, his lips kissing her, whispering secretive things in her ear just to see her blush, when he pictured another man holding her at night, pleasuring her before himself, he went mad inside. He wanted her, she belonged to him, even if she deserved better.
Please don't dwell on it.
"I love you," He told her, even though he knew that no matter how many times he told her that she wouldn't change her mind. Not this time. She was too far gone for him to reach out to her. God why couldn't thing be simple again? Back like they were when she didn't know how he felt about him? She was so oblivious to his feelings back then; things had been so much easier. Back when he was the only one feeling anything for her. Like the time they were being sent on a mission alone together. She thought it was just another mission. To him, it was more time to spend with her alone. Before they'd left on the mission he'd crouched down so she could refasten her boots, he'd pretended to be reading his latest issue of Itcha Itcha to pass the time, but he'd really been revealing in the way her boot pressed against his back, the way she braced her weight on him, leaned on him, trusted him to keep her up and not let her fall. God he would never let her fall, he'd sworn to always be there to catch her, no matter what. He'd failed her, yet again. Broken a promise he'd meant to keep for all eternity, even beyond death he would protect her, that's what he'd promised her. Now she was ready to leave him, because he'd messed up one too many times.
Cause I didn't mean it.
He took a step closer and she just looked at him, her arms crossed over her breasts, her chin up in defiance. She didn't want to believe him, but she knew she had no choice. He would do anything for her. Sacrifice his life for her if she asked him to. She knew that if she asked him to he would get down on one knee and beg her to stay with him. "You're a selfish bastard you know that?" she asked him.
Kakashi nodded his head. "I know," he answered, putting up no argument. He had none. After what he'd done he knew he was one and if he could go back in time and change all of it, he would in a heartbeat. He didn't know what had caused him to act the way he did. He never wanted anyone but her for the rest of his life. So when Anko came along, and asked him to come over for dinner…he'd said yes, unaware of her real intentions. He'd fallen for her trap and because of it; he was losing the woman he loved. Never in his life had he ever wanted to hurt her. He knew he was going to hurt her one day, he just didn't think he'd end up doing it with another woman. "I know I am, but it doesn't change the fact that I love you, and only you."
I can't believe I said I'd lay our love on the ground.
His thoughts took him back in time again when he glanced at the dresser behind her and saw the note that he'd left there, even after all of these years.
He'd been out on a mission, and had asked her to watch over his place while he was gone. He'd expected her to be out of the house when he returned, back in her own bed. Much to his surprise—and secret delight—she was in his bed, sound asleep and there was a note taped up to the mirror in his bathroom. He'd seen it only after he'd climbed out of the shower and draped a towel around his hips. Only a few simple words and it had him wanting to repay her with diamonds. /i Kakashi, the rice is ready for heating when you get back! Sakura.i Those words had lit up a fire inside of him, she's thought enough to prepare some food for him so he could eat when he got back, and she'd left just enough room on the bed for him to slip into. Had he been brave enough he would have climbed into bed with her. But instead, he heated up the rice she'd left for him and fell asleep on the couch. The next morning when he woke, there was coffee and she was in the middle of making pancakes with eggs, bacon, and sausage. He knew she spoiled him and if it kept her in his apartment a little longer he didn't mind.
Now there were other things surrounding the short note he'd refused to throw away or even take down. Pictures of the two of them together, out on their honeymoon, a day at the beach, a calendar with her writing, marking all of the important dates he would have forgotten otherwise.
But it doesn't matter cause I've made it up forgive me now.
Another step closer to her. "Please, don't go, you know I'd die without you." He begged her. He would do anything to keep her.
She narrowed her eyes. "Then why were you with Anko?" she asked.
Every day I spend away my soul's inside out.
Now that he thought about it, the way she'd caught him with Anko, was much like the way she'd caught him years ago with another woman, completely by accident…
He needed to get her out of his mind. She was taking him over without even knowing it. She was all he thought about, all he dreamt about anymore. Hell he wasn't even taking missions because he knew he'd be too distracted with thoughts of her to stay alive. He was going crazy because he couldn't have her and he knew that. It was driving him mad. He'd found a woman walking around the village and she looked fairly new. If she wasn't he hadn't been paying attention lately. He'd chatted her up, and taken her back to his apartment. Hopefully she could drive the thoughts that had been plaguing him for so long away, at least for a couple hours.
What he hadn't planned on was the object of his desire, the reason for his being, scaling the wall to his window and perching herself on the ledge, looking in at him as he fucked the girl he'd brought home. She obviously wasn't planning on seeing that either because she remained there frozen. Just seeing her there made him an animal inside. He imagined the woman on the edge of his window as the woman beneath him, and his instincts went crazy. He became an animal and he couldn't control it.
That had been the first night she'd seen him without his mask.
Gotta be some way that I can make it up to you now somehow.
"It wasn't intentional," he offered. "She said she would make me dinner, and I passed out, somehow she must have slipped something into the food, because I don't remember anything until you found us." As farfetched as it sounded, that was what really happened. Anko had been pining after him for years, and when he turned her down time and time again, she just became more determined. With her out of town Anko thought it was the perfect opportunity. Later he would ask her what exactly it was she'd knocked him out with. An illegal drug most likely.
"Do you have any idea how crazy that sounds?" she asked.
Her tone had died down a little…he was starting to win her over again. Let her go now you idiot…she deserves better. That was the thing. Kakashi knew she deserved better, but honestly, there was no on better to protect her from everything then the Copy Ninja himself. He was the best there was, he knew how to pleasure a woman's body, knew how to give her everything she'd ever want in bed, he knew how to make her feel cherished, loved, adored. There was no one else who knew how to make a woman feel like him. Not even the great Jiraiya could do it. Sure the man wrote about it, but he knew nothing of love. Not the kind of love that bound Kakashi to her so tightly. He would fight for her, and so help him god, he would die trying to keep her in his life.
By now you know that…
"You know that I'd come for you, no one but you." He shook his head and turned the full force of his gaze on her. Forget the mask; forget the headband that covered his borrowed Sharingan. She needed to see him, not the charade he put on for everyone else. She needed to see the man, not the warrior. "Yes I'd come for you, but only if you told me to. I'd fight for you, I'd lie and you know it's true. I'd give my life for you, you know that I'd always come for you."
Her eyes softened, the rage straining away from them slightly. He would open his heart to her, poor out every emotion inside of him if it made her happy and kept her with him for a little bit longer. This was his last chance to keep her with him and he would not blow it.
I was blinded.
Another memory assaulted his mind and he let it wander.
It was raining, harder than it had all year. Some were saying the hardest in over a decade. No sane person would be out in it. But Kakashi heard something that unnerved him on his way home from the Hokage Tower. Taking an unexpected detour from his original path home he found himself looking down at the woman he loved, lying bleeding on the ground, spent from countless hours of training. Her clothes were threadbare and soaked through to the bone. He was no kind of medical specialist, but he knew that if he didn't get her out of the cold soon, she could likely die from hypothermia. He removed the white cotton shirt he'd been wearing and wrapped it around her body in a makeshift dress. She was so tiny, he hadn't realized how tiny until that moment. When his shirt (and Kakashi was not a large man) fit her with the appearance of being a dress. He pulled out some bandaged and tied them around her waist, to keep the shirt wrapped tightly round her body and lifted her into his arms. She was completely passed out, and frigid. Her pale skin was nearly alabaster in color and she was shivering. The sooner he got her home the better things would be for her.
Kakashi carried her back to his apartment and started running a hot bath. He knew that he couldn't really remove her clothing, not only would it be an injustice to her, but he wouldn't feel right about it. Instead, once the bath was filled with steaming water, he placed her in the tub, fully clothed and walked out, letting her body soak up the hot water. Later on when he returned, she was still passed out, but her fingers and lips were no long blue. Convinced that the initial threat was out of the way, he wrapped her in more layers of clothing, towels, and blankets and laid her in his bed, with an electrical blanket above and below her to keep out the chill. He smiled down at her and a thought ran through his head. This was where she belonged. In his bed. She fit so perfect amongst the sheets; he would hate to look at it the next night, empty.
In his bed. That's exactly where she belonged, with his arms wrapped around her and his heart in her hands.
But now I'm seeing. My mind was closing, now I'm believing.
"How can you possibly think those words are going to keep me here?" she asked. She was baiting him, to see how much emotion he would let show, how much love he should show her right here and now. Fine, he could play her game. Even if she deserved better, he would do anything to keep her longer.
"Because you know it's true, because I finally know just what it means to let someone in. to let them see the side of me that no one does or ever will." He'd let her into the most secret parts of his past. He'd told her everything. She knew things only the gods knew. Things he would never utter to another soul. He loved her and he'd proven it time and time again.
So if you're ever lost and find yourself all alone
I'd search forever just to bring you home here and now
It's a vow.
By now you know that I'd come for you.
He'd be damned if he let her walk out of his life. The consequences be damned but he was going to fight to posses her, make her never want anyone but him. Accept him for everything he wasn't and everything he was. She was going to be his. Even if she deserved better. She was his damn it. "How can you doubt that I love you? How can you doubt that I would give my life for yours in a heartbeat if it meant that you could wake to another sunrise, live another day?" he took another step closer to her. Another step closer to bringing her back to him, to making her forget her anger and remember her love for him.
"I don't doubt that, what I doubt is your ability to remain faithful when I'm out on a mission." She shot back at him. She was going to keep playing that card until he could prove to her he could remain faithful to her and only to her.
And he didn't blame her one minute for it. He deserved it.
"If you want to chain me to the bed while you're gone, then so be it, but I swear on my life, that I will never do anything like this again." He wasn't going to try explaining that he'd gone over to Anko's and she'd drugged him. She was a medical specialist; she wouldn't buy it for a minute unless he got hard evidence. By the time he managed to fix this problem, he wouldn't need it.
I'd come for you
No one but you
Yes I'd come for you
But only if you told me to
I'd fight for you
I'd lie it's true
Give my life for you
You know that I'd always come for you
You know that I'd always come for you
He thought back to the first night they'd made love. It had been a series of unseen circumstances that had him taking her to bed. The incident where she'd stolen his book and he'd found her reading it in her room. The mission they'd been sent on where they had to pass off as a young couple in a club, the night he'd climbed through her window to make sure she was okay after returning from a solo mission. The mission he'd hated the most. The two of them, along with Sasuke had been sent on a mission together, where they had to pretend Sakura was a geisha, designed to cater to their every need, and Sasuke has abused the privilege. When they'd returned, Sakura went home with Kakashi, she was going to watch over his place for him while he was out on an Anbu mission. When he'd returned he'd found her with her hair up in a messy bun, wearing one of his shirts. He couldn't help but think how right that was; to have her in his shirt, nothing else. When he sat down in front of her, she started to remove his mask, and he'd let her. But when she reached for his head band, he'd stopped her, warning her that he wasn't all perfect skin. He was a Shinobi and bared the scars of one. She'd looked at him and told him that it didn't matter. To her he was the most handsome man in all of Hidden Leaf. After that, the clothes started coming off until they were naked in his bed, and he was taking that one thing that no woman gave up lightly.
When he found out she was a virgin, he'd asked her if she was sure about what they were doing. She told him that she'd never been surer of anything before. It was on that night that he'd taken her innocence and claimed it for himself. The selfish bastard he was. The next morning, he found her sitting up, the sheets clutched to her chin and a smile on her face. When he asked her what was wrong she simply looked at him and told him that she felt like the luckiest woman on the planet, to have finally found the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.
It wasn't until a few months after that, that they found out she'd been pregnant. The reason they found out, was because she'd miscarried. He'd held her while she cried; soothed her until she was lying in his arms, wiped her tears away. They talked all night about what it would be like to have a family. Waking up in the morning to a child walking into the room, asking them when breakfast was going to be ready, who was taking them to the academy for class, all kinds of different things. The talk of the child brought to mind the picture of a wedding and she'd wanted a big one. Kakashi had no problem with that.
No matter what gets in my way.
He looked at her and took another step. They were nearly touching now. She looked up at him, that defiant look in her eyes, but now it was dimmer, starting to be overtaken by the love he knew she still had for him. If he could bring that out fully, he knew she wouldn't leave him. She's stay with him, where she belonged. He reached out and pulled her into his arms. She turned, so her back was pressed against his chest. It was a womanly dichotomy he could work with however.
As long as there's still life in me.
He dipped his head, so his lips were beside her ear as he whispered, "Do you remember when we went on our first Anbu mission together?" she nodded. "We made love when we reached the camp for the night, in front of the fire, remember that?" he asked. Again she nodded. "What happened the next day?"
"We were attacked," she murmured, pressing closer against him.
Kakashi smiled and wrapped his arms around her tighter. That had been a horrific day. She'd been wounded badly, a sword nearly pierced her lungs, while she was trying to heal herself, Kakashi had to fight off every one of their attackers so she would be safe. On that day he would have willingly gave his life to her, for her, just like he would every day of his life. "Remember when you were trying to heal the sword wound? What did I tell you?"
"That no matter what, even if it cost you your life, I would live." She answered him.
"Exactly, nothing's changed; I would still give my life to make sure you were safe. No matter what, remember, I'll always come for you." He kissed her head. He heard her whisper of a sigh as she leaned her head back, her arms came up and wrapped around the ones holding her.
Yes I'd come for you
No one but you
Yes I'd come for you
But only if you told me to
And I'd fight for you
I'd lie it's true
Give my life for you
You know I'll always come for you.
She turned in his arms and looked up at him, her jade eyes shining. "Kakashi…"
He put his finger to her lips to silence her. "Will you stay?" he asked. When she nodded her head he slanted his lips over hers claiming in her a lover's kiss. Meant to have her head spinning like the earth beneath her feet. Her arms came up and wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer to her. As close to the bed as they were he pushed her back until she was lying down and he came to lie beside her. He brushed the hair away from her face and smiled at her. She was staying, with him. That was all that mattered at that moment in time. Everything else seemed to fade away into the background until it was just the two of them together on the bed. All he could see was her.
No matter what gets in my way
As long as there's still life in me
No matter what remember
You know I'll always come for you
I'd crawl across this world for you
Do anything you want me to
No matter what remember
You know I'll always come for you
"I love you," she whispered into the silence. "I must be crazy, but I love you Kakashi Hatake," she pulled him down and kissed him, her hands winding into his hair, her nails grazing his scalp. He moaned into the kiss and pulled her closer, his hands pushed up her shirt. He needed to feel her bare skin against his, feel the sensual beat of their hearts as they made love, needed to mark her as his. The clothing fell away, the sheets were pushed back and they soared in the skies together, holding onto each other for something to ground them so they wouldn't float off on ecstatic clouds.
He knew it deep down that she was his, and even though he knew better, he was never going to let her go. He was going to make sure he never let her go, or came this close to losing her again. She belonged with him, she fit him, she felt right with him. He would never find that again. Kakashi never gave much thought to the words "soul mate" but at that moment in time, lying in bed with the woman he loved, her body shivering in the throes of passion, he had a feeling that this whole time, she was his soul mate. The one person he was meant to be with for the rest of his life. No element on earth or in heaven or deep down in hell could separate them now. They were destined for each other and he would savor every moment they had together, cherish every hair on her head, etch into memory ever cell of her body.
Never again was he going to feel the loneliness of a cold night, never again miss the company of another body. He would have her for the rest of his life, nothing could be said or done to tear them apart and they both knew it.
He leaned over and kissed her head as she drifted to sleep in his arms. He grabbed a kunai from the bedside table and held in the hand that was connected to the arm she was using as a pillow, his other wrapped around her waist, pulling her tightly against him. "I love you, Sakura Haruno."
You know I'll always come for you