How do you know when you are in love? Is it a feeling? Is it a moment? The only answer anyone ever has is, "You just know." I always kind of just smirked at that answer. I mean how is that really a legitimate answer? I want to know. I want facts, hard evidence. I want something I can wrap my head around. I need that; at least, that is what I thought I needed.
I am in love. I fell completely head over heels for my best friend, Maura, and I have never been more sure about anything in my life. They were right when they said you just know. I get so happy when my phone rings and it's her. When I get a knock on my door and she is standing there with pizza, my heart leaps. I feel sick when she is not around, physically ill. I look forward to every moment, every look, and every touch we share.
When she looks at me my heart melts. When she places her hand on my arm reassuringly I feel warm. When she laughs my heart soars. I would spend my whole day trying to make her laugh if it meant I could always hear that sound.
I love the way she throws her head back in laughter allowing her honey blonde locks to fall down her back. I love the way she gives all of herself to every case until it is solved. I love the way she refuses to guess or call a stain blood. I love that she doesn't always get sarcasm or jokes. I love that she can't tell a lie without getting hives and passing out. I love that her heart is pure. I love the way she can make me do things with just one look. I love that she sees all sides of me and doesn't run. I love her.
Now I feel sick, sad, and broken. Why you ask…because all of these feelings that I finally have experienced: this love, so much love my heart wants to burst, and I can't do a damn thing about it. I can't act on these feelings; I can't say one word about these thoughts. So now mixed with those butterflies when she is around is a longing. A longing that makes me feel nauseous, torn, and sad. My heart feels ripped from my chest…
Because this love I finally possess is an unrequited love.