A/N: Hello and welcome to what is sure to become the (drumroll and trumpets) BEST SIRIUS REMUS SLASH EVER! (stop music) This is basically how I work: I write when I can, I post when I can, and, unless people show interest (that means reviews, people!) I get bored and discontinue the story. I really like it when people go to my profile and read my other stories, which, thus far, have been discontinued (but, if more interest is shown, I'll start posting again!) Also, my chapters are fairly short most of the time, but when I have enough time to actually sit down and write for, like, two hours, they can get fairly long, so expect a variety of lengths in the chapters. I'm going to probably make this story a fairly long one with a bunch of chapters, so it might be a good idea, if you like it, to subscribe to the "Story Alert" when (not if!) you review. Anyway, I've been talking WAAAAY too long. And now, I humbly present: My Life as a Black (anyone notice the ANTM pun?)

Okay, so, here goes:

My mom's an amateur crack whore, my dad's a convicted pyro, my brother has sexual relations with our house elf, and I have an unhealthy fear of poodles.

See? I have a perfectly normal life.

There's also an insanely complicated love-triangle-type-thing with my friends.

So:

Peter loves James who loves Lily who loves Remus who loves me who loves him back but is going out with a Slytherin named Narcissa Black out of "insistence" from my family, and she also happens to be my cousin, who has sexual relations with her sister, my other cousin, Bellatrix, who is Voldemort's whore, who is secretly in love with Severus (Snivellus) who loves Lily but does it with Professor Slughorn for money who has a thing for Professor McGonagall, who loves Dumbledore who used to love Grindelwald, but doesn't now, and now loves McGonagall back, but they can't date in public because "oh my what if their students found out," which all of us already have.

Welcome to my life as a Black.

It was a perfectly sunny afternoon in June, and I stepped out of my sun-filled room to go down to the dark pit that was my kitchen. You see, my family prefers not being able to see where the fuck they're going, because, in case they should happen to run over a certain family member (of their fancy), they, of course, have every right in the world to fuck them senseless. This is life in my family. So, as I was saying, I was going to breakfast in my kitchen. Nothing was unusual. At least… not for MY house. There were the usual moans and crashes of somebody getting it on (although who, I cannot say), the "beautiful" new portrait

Of my mother was gabbing away to nobody, and the doxies were so many that you could actually hear them buzzing around inside the curtains. Nah, nothing unusual at all.

I had just been owling back and forth with Tonks, and she had mentioned her new girlfriend Leslie. Well, I had my suspicions, but I never thought she'd be so open about being a lesbian…. Well, truthfully, I had been having some troubles of my own. You see, my friends and I like to get drunk the night before exams begin. And… well… you know what happens when two rebel wizards get dancing on a table together….

:Fade Out to May 31- the Night Before OWLS:

"Hey Moony!"

"Hey Padfoot! How's studying going?"

"Oh, let me tell you Moonsy, it's absolutely the biggest thrill of my life!"

"Oh, shut up Pads. Nobody ACTUALLY likes it---"

"---except Snivelly, o' course."

"Right. Well, anyway, you finished yet?"

"I was finished the second I opened this Merlin-forsakened book!"

"Good, because I come into your humble abode---"

"---Very humble, considering it's only a bed."

"---Bringing Firewhiskey!"

"Excellent! Where'd you swap it from THIS time?"

"Well, Lily's---"

"Oh, of course! Lily Wily got it for you, how COULD I have forgotten?"

"You know perfectly well I don't ACTUALLY like her. Prongs won't date anyone unless he snatches them from someone else, you know that!"

"True, true. But still…"

"Don't worry, I'm not straight, I swear."

"Wanna prove it to me?"

"I don't believe I'm quite drunk enough for that yet, Mr. Padfoot. Will you do the honors?"

"With pleasure, Mr. Moony."

Sirius took out his wand and opened the bottle.

His wand was truly magnificent. Oak and Phoenix Feather, 15 inches, with an Olivewood handle, and very strong, good for powerful spells. Everyone admired the perfection and beauty of the instrument, but Sirius wouldn't truly discover its power until the following year.

He opened the bottle, and shots of flame popped out of their glass prison.

"Excellent, that means it's still good. Well, Mr. Moony?"

"After you, Mr. Padfoot."

"Well, if you insist…"

And, with a powerful sweeping motion, Sirius whirled the bottle to his lips and took a great swig.

"You know, this stuff tastes really awful."

"Well, what did you expect? Pumpkin Juice?"

"No. It's fine, really, the effect is worth it anyway."

"Too right you are. Hey! Don't hog all of it! Give it here, you great brute!"

Sirius reluctantly surrendered the bottle to Remus, and Remus proceeded to drink it.

Sirius had always admired his friend's delicate features. He had a gently curving brow, soft grey eyes, and perfectly rounded lips which seemed to caress the bottle.

Damn it Sirius! You're thinking poetically again!"

Yes, he had a bad habit of thinking in poetic phrases when he was thinking about something particularly appealing.

Ah, but it's all so true….

"Pads? Earth to Padfoot!"

"Wha---? Oh sorry Moonsy."

"Oh good, I though I'd lost you there for a second. Oh, tragedy!"

Remus curves his hand to hid brow in a faked look of despair. Sirius always loved being the only person Remus was ever sarcastic to.

:Skip three hours:

"Eh… Moo- Moony? Are- you quite… drunk enough – yet?"

"Why, I do- believe so… M- Mr. Padfoot."

:Fade back to Reality:

Sirius! Stop thinking about it! He was drunk! He was horny! You were the only person in the room! Do the math!"

"Oh, shut up brain! Go fuck yourself."

"Ah, but you see, I have no---"

"Okay, eww! I'm NOT going to think about my brain's genetielia!

Okay… I just DID. IMAGES!!!!

Sirius would never forget that fateful night, he would just put off thinking about it until after breakfast.

The only sounds that were heard were that of two members of the family (probably Kreacher and Regulus again…) fucking each other stupid on the couch next door.

A/N: Okay, so I know that Chapter sucked, but it'll get better, I swear!!! PLEASE R&R!!! I know, a lot of people hate it when authors beg for reviews, but you give us no choice, people! Unless you review, we'll keep begging until the cows come home! Tell me what you want to see, because I don't really know where this is going …yet…. Also, anything you want to tell me that you don't want seen by others, go to my profile and my email address is there, and please feel free to email me anytime. I love you all!!!

P.S.

If you DO review, you get mentioned on my profile, so I guess that's kinda cool, right? Cheers!

3 wannabewitch