I wanted to say thank you to everyone still reading my stories - and those who are are patiently awaiting updates for Tutelage Redux and Separate Lives. I've mentioned why I haven't been active for several months in my Profile, so if you are curious, you can read a few details there. That being said...
This story has only the occasional mention of Matt. I had another idea and went with it. Hope you enjoy the occasional side trip into other possibilities. :)
A Pleasant Turnaround
CJ was standing in her familiar spot on the balcony of the penthouse in the Houston, Inc. building. It was a spot that called to her like a beacon in both good times and bad. Tonight, she was unseeing of the lights, the stars, anything outside of herself. She was in emotional pain, and tears made fast courses down her cheeks.
Houston had married Elizabeth less than a week ago; they had been able to work things out and move into unified territory. If CJ could feel happy for her friend, she would because she wasn't hurting over his marriage to someone else.
She was suffering from a past that she had glossed over and ignored - and thought would be enough for her to heal. Simply ignore it, look away, distract herself... because the past couldn't be changed, so why bother examining it?
Houston's marriage had taken away her safety net and opened her eyes. While true, it wasn't fair that she had thought of him in that way; it wasn't his responsibility to keep her safe, even if it was his penchant to do so. Losing him...she choked back a sob...had been hard, but she had to admit it wasn't because she was deeply in love with him. It was because the deep familiarity, the very thing that made her feel safe in this crazy life, was now gone and things irrevocably changed.
Even though it may not be as drastic as all that, she felt uprooted all over, again - just as she had as a young child.
She heard a noise from behind and expected to see Roy; he had been watching her like a hawk all week. He was a smart man, and he knew something was wrong, but he didn't know the half of it.
"CJ..." She was surprised to hear Will's voice, instead of his father's.
She barely glanced at him, not confident in her ability to speak, then went back to staring into space. Why couldn't her most coveted personal space also be much less traveled?...
"CJ, we're pretty worried about you. Would you please talk to me? Let someone in. I know you're upset about Matt and Elizabeth, but you've got to start the healing..."
She half-snorted and half-sobbed at what he was implying. She realized how absurd it was for her to be standing here, crying even in part over Houston - the one man who had never wanted her. Still, this wasn't about having loved and lost; it was about feeling lost, feeling unsafe, again. But, Will and Roy couldn't know that Houston's marriage had only been the needle on a haystack of a life lived with pain held so close to the vest.
Will came closer, and she placed her hands farther apart on the ledge and bent her head to sob. There was so much she'd repressed over the years.
"Hey, it's going to be okay," he said, and gently placed a hand on her shoulder.
Eventually, she said as best she could, "It's not about Matt, Will. I almost don't give a damn about him, right now. His marriage is not why I'm a mess. I have other demons..."
"Demons?" he asked quietly.
She hiccuped but never raised her head to answer his question. "Demons," she choked. "Dammit, I'm a wreck..." And, she broke down harder than she had a few moments before.
"Hey, now," and he gently turned her so that he could gather her in his arms. She willingly accepted him and fisted the back of his jacket in her hands. "You can talk to me, you know," he reiterated.
She couldn't answer right away, but eventually admitted, "I know." She hiccuped, again. "Will, you may be the very best person for me to talk to, but I'm afraid that it will hurt you, if I do."
Her concern had his brows knitting. "How could you hurt me, CJ? This is about you. I'll be okay," he said.
She tried to shake her head against his chest. "I'm afraid of dredging up bad memories for you, and I don't want to do that. I've been considering therapy..."
He gently cupped her chin in one of his hands and tilted her face so their eyes could meet. "Why are you afraid of bringing up bad memories for me?"
She didn't move her head but glanced away from him, unable to continue looking him in the eye.
"CJ."
"I can't, Will. Nevermind. It's about me, and I'll get help. I promise." She shuddered, then, and it worried him because he knew it wasn't from the chill in the air.
"Lady, don't you know that you can talk to me about anything? Matt isn't the only one to ever care about you, you know. Dad loves you. *I* love you, and I am here for you."
She looked him in the eyes, again, and the deep sadness he saw in hers kicked him in the gut.
"Come on, sweetheart. Let's sit down, and when you're ready, you can tell me what this really is about."
With that, he led her to the sofa in front of Baby. She never tried to move away from him, simply cuddled into his side and rested her head on his shoulder. They sat like that for a long while. Perhaps, a half hour went by before she spoke.
"Will," and she cleared her throat because it had become raw from her earlier sobs. She tried, again. "Will...what are you learning in therapy...about how to get over your captivity?"
He tensed under her, and she immediately apologized. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. I should find a therapist, myself. Maybe, you can recommend me to yours..." she trailed off. Then, "Forget I asked. I appreciate you sitting with me."
"No," he said firmly. "I'll tell you anything you want to know, but it might help if I knew where you were coming from..." He left the ball in her court because he felt that someone should know exactly what this was about.
She hadn't expected to, but she shuddered in his arms.
"I want you to believe that I'm not so upset that Houston got married as I am by the fact that it feels like another loss. My life has been filled with them." She sighed. "How I feel about it is part of what I need to work through. But, Will..." and she glanced up at him then back to stare straight ahead, "I've got demons that won't stay buried, and I feel like they're trying to eat me alive."
"What demons, CJ? It's the second time you've mentioned them, but you're not naming them. And, why do you think I'm a good one to speak to about them?"
"Did you know that Houston and I were taken hostage by a terrorist group a couple of years ago? I was left behind on the island as collateral, so Houston would change his testimony against Duval's son in court."
He didn't like where this was headed but replied, "I heard about it, yes. I know that Matt was a mess, knowing you were alone with Duval."
"He had reason to be." She didn't elaborate.
"Tell me," Will encouraged her, quietly.
"Have you told anyone about everything that happened to you?" she asked without defensiveness.
"No, but I have many years to work through. And, from what I gather, you haven't told anyone anything about what happened to you on that island."
He reached for her chin, again. Eye contact was so important, right now. "CJ, you need to talk about what happened. If not with me, then we will get you into a therapist as soon as possible. I'm afraid of what will happen if you don't. This can't have been your first breakdown. Need I remind you of my suicide attempt?" It was harsh, but he wanted to get through to her.
She blanched and tears sprung to her eyes. "God, no. I haven't forgotten. I was terrified that you'd jump, and we'd lose you all over again." Tears coursed, once again. "It's why I'm afraid to talk to you. I don't want anything I say to be a trigger, and we lose you, again. I'd never forgive myself, and I don't think your father or Matt would, either..." she trailed off.
"Hey," and he looked at her with love in his eyes. "I'm not fragile. I know I was for a time, but I'm past that point. I'm getting the help I need, and I'm reintegrating into life pretty well, if I do say so, myself." He smiled.
"You are, and I'm so proud of you. I love you, Will. I've always loved you - all of the Houstons. You're my family, the only one I've known, and I don't want to ever be a reason for you to backslide. I don't want to lose you, again, Will," she said emphatically.
"You're not going to lose me, CJ. Why is that a fear?" he asked.
"Honestly?" she hedged but only a bit. "I will never forget what you said to me the day the two of you shipped out for boot camp," she admitted.
He looked stunned. At the time, he didn't believe she'd thought much of what he had said.
"You told me, 'When I get home, I'm gonna make you an official Houston. You belong with me," she reminded him, though he hardly needed it; he would never forget having been so bold.
"Our friendship was always more reserved, but your words thrilled me and kept a smile on my face. When you didn't come back, I felt as devastated as your parents and Houston but for my own reasons. I loved Houston, and I tried to comfort him as best I could, but I was grieving, too. It felt like I'd had several losses at once - you and the wonderful future I'd painted for us, and the fact that we were all irrevocably changed."
She took a breath and went on, "I didn't date much while you were gone. I wondered about the day you'd come home, if you'd remember what you said. I know we wrote, but we didn't mention it anymore. Still, I had hoped..." She smiled briefly. "But as time wore on, and it became apparent that you weren't coming back...I guess I displaced my feelings onto Matt. I have loved him, but he's not a man I could be in love with. We're too different. Besides, if Elizabeth doesn't prove his taste in women, I don't know what does," she said.
Will chuckled at that last bit, yet his chest swelled over what she was telling him. "You had feelings for me, and you were waiting for me to come home?" he asked in wonder.
"Yes," she said, simply and honestly. "As soon as you said those words to me, I just knew we could be good together. But, talk about the bastard that is life..."
He sighed in agreement. "Yes, and I was never known for my good timing."
"No kidding," she teased.
"I never forgot what I told you, CJ. And, while I'm glad we're finally having a talk about 'us' - which I definitely want to revisit - we've gotten off-track. You gave it a brilliant go, but we need to get back to what happened to you on that island."
"Suddenly, it's the very last thing I want to talk about with you, Will. I feel better, and I don't want to go back."
"This is the best time to do it, CJ. You give it a little bit of your attention, and then we come back to this happier place. In and out of it. And, I'm gonna be right here," he encouraged her.
Instead of denying, declining, or clamming up altogether, she surprised him by stating, "Duval took a shine to me. I had two days of him making it very clear to me who was in control. It was in retaliation to an escape attempt I made; I attacked him and took off running through the jungle. It was foolhardy, but I would have done anything to get off of the island - and away from that man." While she was much calmer than before, she was tensing up, and he could see fear in her eyes.
He felt angry at what he could determine by her words. "What happened?" he asked quietly.
"Not tonight, Will. I've already told you more than I've ever told anybody. But, suffice it to say that my time spent there wasn't simply being locked in a room and left to my own devices." She closed her eyes, as if doing so would erase distasteful memories.
"Okay, but we should talk more about this. And, if you don't want to give me specifics, you should do so with a therapist. I recommend the woman I've been seeing, but it's up to you. She's good, and she listens - then helps me devise real-life ways of desensitizing myself when memories crop up and catch me unaware."
"I'll go, and I'll talk to her, Will. I'm sorry you found me in such a state, earlier, but...I'm also glad that you did. If you hadn't, who knows how long it would have taken for us to revisit a good part of the past? It may have never happened."
"Never say never," he said. "I was planning to ask you to dinner - once you were feeling better," and he gave her a rueful look, "but I'm happy to wait, until you're ready." He gently squeezed her shoulders with the arm he'd wrapped around her.
"I'm not letting the past get in the way of present, again. So, feel free to woo me, Will Houston," she surprised him by saying. She smiled and added, "I need good things like this to look forward to."
"Yes, ma'am," he drawled, Texas-style, and she chuckled.
"I really did miss you, Will." She touched his cheek with her hand, stared at his face as if to memorize every detail. "Your quiet charm, your sense of humor, your attentiveness. I noticed, and I always appreciated it. Life was easy when I was with you guys. It didn't really return, when you went away," and she stared into his eyes, his soul. "I am so glad you're back." She grabbed his hand and squeezed it meaningfully.
"So am I. Especially now that I know the prettiest girl in Texas was waiting for me."
"I did wait for you, Will. I'm not lying about that." She wanted him to know.
"I didn't think you were. I'm surprised, but I couldn't be happier. I only hate that life conspired to keep us apart for so long." He would have sighed but decided to grin, instead. So much had happened in the interim, and it was better to keep things light.
"Me, too." She turned to face him squarely. Feeling suddenly mischievous, she asked, "Say...wanna practice for the end of our first date?"
He caught her change in attitude and certainly wasn't expecting it. "What?" He couldn't help but laugh out loud. She was a pistol, which was another thing he'd always loved about her.
"Well, I'm fairly certain that, after all this time, neither of us wants to disappoint the other on what will surely be a momentous occasion," she said, trying hard to keep a straight face. She hadn't felt right in a long time, but this felt good.
Maybe being with Will was what she'd been waiting for. She certainly welcomed it, welcomed him. Not to mention the miracle of being able to sit here wit him, at all. Unshed tears formed in her eyes, knowing this was miraculous, indeed.
"Hey, now. What just happened? One minute you were smiling and talking about a make-out session, and the next, tears are in your eyes." He was concerned, for sure.
She put her arms around his neck. "I know I may seem off-the-wall to you, Will, but I'm not. I promise. I'm happy we have this chance. I was marveling at the wonder of it, and I'm not taking it for granted, this time," she said.
He wrapped his arms around her, too, and felt his own eyes sting at her words. He understood.
"I can't remember a time when I didn't love you, CJ, but I thought Mattlock had your heart. It was torture, sometimes, because I'm sure I fell head-over-heels at first sight. Then, I got to know you and fell even harder," he finished.
She squeezed him a little tighter before sitting back and looking him in the eye. Then, she touched the side of his face again and said, "I'm happy this is happening."
He grabbed her hand. "So am I. But, CJ, there are still demons to lay to rest - and they're real. Though, something tells me that, this time, we will get through them together."
"Yes," she said, "I believe we will."
"Now, about that practice session..." He raised a brow.
"If we must," she said, pretending to suffer a consequence.
"We must," he said, happily taking credit for her excellent idea.
Their first kiss started off sweet and quickly escalated to pure heat.
It was a theme that perpetuated throughout their relationship, and neither of them would have changed a single second of it.