The Devil Goes to Barnes and Noble
Summary: Don't you ever wonder where the devil got all those great insults?
AN: I was watching the Exorcist on AMC the other day and thought i'd make this for Halloween! Also, I command you all not to get offended. Seriously, this is only intended for those with a good sense of humor. If you are one of those straight-laced, easily angered Catholics.. Do not press on. Thanks! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Disclaimer: And the devil said, "Let there be disclaimers." and there were.
LET THERE BE FAN FIC.
One cold October evening, the devil was walking past a Barnes and Noble. He had lots of time to kill, since it would be hours before he'd go and pick up a chick to impregnate with a lil' antichrist.
So he walked inside, the second his cloven feet hit the bland carpet of the store, a mousy woman jumped up at him like a pop-tart fresh from the toaster. She squeeked, "Can I help you with something, sir?"
As if she didn't notice that he was Satan. A little recognition would have been nice! He snarled at her and said, "NO!" making her eyes bleed in the process. She smiled still, running off to get some tissues for her oozing retinas. Swishing his horse-like tail, he skipped over to the Horror section. And browsed through the goriest ones he could find. And almost as a proof of his unholiness, he dog-eared the pages as he looked.
After skipping through each one that looked good, the Devil noticed something in the Humor section beside him. It was called, "Curses And Insults Only The Devil Would Use." next to the writing was a small drawing of him, supposedly. Though, it was simply a red man with horns and a tail.
The first thing that struck him was an insulted sort of irony. Until flattery gushed onto his being. He snatched the book up in his massive hands and pawed through it. PAWED being the correct term.
They were right, this stuff was gooood. Each one more insulting then the one before it. "Your mother eats me in hell." was his favorite so far. These would come in handy, for some reason he would always blank when it came to insults, especially with priests, those bastards. He always felt like they were using some sort of jedi-mindtrick on him..
He grabbed the book and walked over to the counter, where a young man was working. He said, "Hello, sir, did you find what you were looking for?" The Devil snarled at him and threw him a twenty. Sending mental signals to the boys brain to kill all the other customers when he left. "Have a nice day." the boy muttered, pulling out a .45 from under the counter, locked and loaded.
It was decided, he would practice his insults. Then he would impregnate a chick with his baby. Then have his weekly meeting with George Bush. Then he would treat himself with something.. There was this sweet little girl who he was just dying to possess. Yeah, that sounded like a good plan.
END
AN: You know what? To hell with warnings. Flame me all you want, bastards.