Title: Alive
Author: Miss. Sly
Style: Oneshot character study
Type: X-Men
Category: Angst
Main Character(s): Pyro
Word Count: 513
John's not proud of the things he's done.
And he's done some pretty horrible things, he knows that, acknowledges that, and has moved on. He's done bad things, but who hasn't?
He won't feel bad. He refuses to. After all, he's alive, isn't he?
But his past never leaves him. It's always there, hanging over his shoulder, mocking him softly – a cruel remark after his every fuckup, a hissing laugh that wakes him up in the middle of the night screaming.
It's always there to remind him of how he got here, where he's from, what he was, what he did. He's alright with that. He can cope.
But sometimes, it haunts him.
Sometimes, every little thing just hits him with such clarity it scares him and all he wants to do is run and hide and curl up and pretend nothing happened and that everything is still okay.
And when it hits, it hits hard.
He can still remember the screaming and the pain and the shouting and the flames.
He can remember his mothers' eyes, his father's booze, the smoke, the fire and the gut wrenching sobs.
He can still remember the day he lost everything.
He can clearly remember the burning pain of days-old hunger.
He can vividly recall the freezing ground biting into his back, making it impossible to sleep.
He can still remember swallowing hard, steeling himself, plastering on a plastic smile and striding down the street, a sway in his hips.
He can still remember praying to god he'd get a warm bed and enough money from something to eat and maybe a shower; praying that he wouldn't have to do anything too disgusting and that he wouldn't feel too filthy and used and broken in the morning.
He's not proud of the things he's done to stay alive, but he refuses to be ashamed of them either.
So he ignores the Professor's looks of unmasked pity and he ignores the wary, disgusted glances of the X-Men.
He ignores Bobby's confusion when he finally lets his appreciation of soft beds and hot running water shine though, and he pretends that he doesn't react at all when people punch him in the shoulder or when they jokingly jeer, "Slut" or "Fag."
He acts like he doesn't care when parents visit their children, and pretends he doesn't see the guys staring at his scars and burns in the locker room.
Because if he lets that get to him, lets his past get to him, it would kill him.
His past helped shape him into who he is today. He's strong, he's independent, and he doesn't take shit from anybody. He's not a big softie like Peter and he's not all kind and caring like Kitty, he's not all white-picket fences and homemade apple pies like Rogue and he sure as hell isn't a goodie-goodie like Bobby. He's an arrogant asshole that doesn't give a shit about anyone. He's a rebel and he's careless. He's John. St. John Allerdyce. He's Pyro.
And he's alive. After all, that's what counts.
Completed: May 25, 2009
A/N: Old character study I had kicking around. Definitely not by best work, by any means, but I felt like posting.
Feedback is welcome, constructive criticism is love.
Sly.