A/N: this story is dedicated to Todash aka B.A. Tyler. I have learned so much from her writing, from working on grammar to being unafraid to tell the story you need to tell sometimes.
Erin was sixteen, pretty as a picture, tall, smart...and like all teenagers, she'd been extremely moody lately. Yes, Hawkeye knew why, but as he was so buried in his own grief, he'd kinda just assumed that it was a phase.
The truth was, this was a phase. They were all going through a phase. Just four months earlier, BJ, beloved father, lifepartner to Hawkeye Pierce, physician, Korean War Vet, friend, the funniest person either Erin or Hawkeye had ever known...BJ, the man they both loved more than life itself, had left them.
And it wasn't for another man, woman, person alive. Being a dedicated physician, he took a late night call to rush to the ER. BJ had been tired, but not too tired. The other driver- tired, but not only too tired, but extremely intoxicated. The hell of the thing was, that driver made it. BJ was another story in and of itself.
Hawkeye really, really wanted her to attend her father's funeral. Of course, loss was part of life, and being a Vet himself, he'd seen more than his share of funerals in his lifetime. But that was just boy #205 back in Korea, sent home to his family, never to be thought of again by the MASH unit.
This was BJ Hunicutt, heart of the 4077, and the surviving vets all made damn sure they'd get to Crabapple Cove by plane, train , bicycle, or if need be, by hitchhiking.
But the night before the service, Erin had snuck out of her house, and Hawkeye had been torn between finding the troubled girl or making sure that the love of his life got his proper tribute by those who'd loved him best.
As he was at the leader of that list, he chose to go to the funeral.
He wasn't sure it was the right thing to do, but in a moment of grief, one's judgment tends to be a little clouded, even to someone as smart and bright and knowing as Hawkeye Pierce. Margaret had taken him aside to let him know how sorry she was, how she'd just adored BJ...and where was Erin?
Hawkeye really hadn't been too sure how to handle that, and Margaret was quick enough and insightful enough to know that if Hawkeye was silent, even for a second, something was wrong.
So Margaret placed her arm around Hawkeye and they went outside. In the light of day, something happened that Margaret hoped she would never, ever see. In the light of day, it was quite easy to see the light in Hawkeye's eyes, the light that had made the whole unit laugh, cry, crazy with anger, calm and collected- that light was gone.
Margaret sat down with Hawkeye on the steps of the funeral home- no church would offer them a church reception, so they made do with what they had. But as Hawkeye leaned against her, and for the first time that she could remember, well, since that awful day in Korea, she saw that Hawkeye was lost again, maybe this time, for good.
"Hey, maybe Erin went to her mom's house," Margaret tried a different approach, anything to distract him from his grief over BJ.
"We haven't talked in a real, long, time, have we?" Hawkeye said sullenly, not even looking at
her.
"I don't understand what that's got to do with..."
"Peg's in Oklahoma. After Erin turned ten and told her mom firmly that she wanted to live with Beej and I full time, Peg got mad. So mad, she married the first salesman she met at a bar, and they took off. Erin hasn't seen her since," Hawkeye sighed.
Margaret stared at him in disbelief. How could any mother turn their back on their own daughter? Yes, she could kind of understand why Peg might be hurt. But Peg hadn't been in Korea. She hadn't seen Hawkeye and BJ together. But Margaret had, and if she could just get her hands on that so called mother of Erin's, she would be more than happy to make things all too clear to her.
Instead, Margaret turned her fury to compassion. "Erin's lucky to have you. I know how much BJ loved that little girl. Remember in Korea?" she smiled. "It was Erin this, Erin that. You would have thought that a little infant girl had found the cure for polio or something."
Even Hawkeye had to smile.
"You know the only other person- the only other person- who we ever seen Hunicutt get that excited over in normal conversation? You. It was you. He loved you, Hawkeye. I know you two didn't take the easy way, but you followed your hearts. Me, all my life, I've followed my daddy's orders. But you, you and BJ...you had something so real, so special, you almost had to be there to believe it. But trust me, buckaroo, I was there. We all were. We all knew."
Hawkeye, the one time unofficial leader, the moral compass (in an extremely unlikely way) of the 4077 just stared at Margaret, speechless.
She held him closer and ran her hands through his hair. "We'll find Erin. We will. Crabapple Cove is every bit a small town as you always said it was. Come on, Pierce. Right now, BJ needs you. We need you."
Hawkeye took a deep breath, wiped his eyes, and allowed Margaret to lead him into the funeral home, where his biggest nightmare was awaiting him.
tbc