Becoming a Man

Chapter One: Being Courageous

Note: I do not own any characters of this story. I do not own the images and the words that are in italics.

I am taking the reader to the room where Clay and Hannah are during Jessica's party. Let's go...

Clay bended slowly towards Hannah. She was looking at him with eager eyes. They shared a kiss. And another one. And they could not stop.

Their clothes were unbuttoned, their skin was exposed.

And Clay asked: "This, okay?"

Hannah answered, with a bright smile: "Yeah, more than okay."

But, in her brain, images of all the other guys who had hurt her appeared, flashed, and she could not take in Clay's affection, not right now, not there, not with everyone else downstairs. Her words came out, a cry for help:

"Stop it!"

Did I hurt you?

Just don't!

"I mean… What, what happened?"

Clay didn't know what happened. He had absolutely no idea of the pain that Hannah was into. But he could tell, she was in great distress. He was hurt, too.

"I thought it was okay!"

" Just leave me alone. Just leave me alone, Clay. You should just go."

Clay couldn't understand what was happening. He had been hoping for that moment for so long, secretly dreaming that she would accept a kiss from him.

"Are you all right?", he asked, wondering what he did wrong, why his world was now falling apart after he had had a glimpse of what it could have been.

"Hannah."

"Get the fuck out!", she answered.

Clay thought of leaving. He put back his shirt, turned back, walked a few steps, and touched the handle of the door. He was so afraid that he might have done something wrong, that he might have broken the light in Hannah's eyes. But then, he realized they were in a party, with all these kids downstairs who had said awful words to Hannah.

He turned around one more time. He took a deep breath, and he claimed:

"I'm not going anywhere, not until I know you are ok. They only reason why I would leave this room is if you tell me I hurt you and I am not your friend."

He heard his own words, surprised of his assertion. He stated them to convince her, but to convince him as well. Now, did Hannah hear his words too, did she understand them? Would she allow him to stay, would she hold on to his friendship?

Hannah didn't say a word. She didn't ask Clay to leave one more time. She just sobbed. All the bullying hurt, but it felt comforting to know that Clay wasn't leaving her alone. He was just there, and that was reassuring. Maybe she still had one friend, after all.

And then, "Boom", the door was forcefully opened by Justin Foley, followed by Jessica, both kissing passionately. Clay and Hannah watched the couple in surprise. Jessica said: "Is this my room, or not?", while looking at her former friend and Clay.

Clay took Hannah by the hand, and said, gently: "Let's get out of here."

Hannah obeyed, leaving her hand in his.

The touch of Hannah's hand in Clay's palm was so soft, so tender, but also so weak, he knew she needed someone to stay with her for longer. He felt the terrible pain she was into, as if the feeling went from her hand to his. Once they were in the hallway, on top of the staircase, Clay stated, once again surprised at his own assertiveness:

"Let's get out of here. Let's go anywhere far from this party and these kids."

Hannah nodded at his sentence. It was an imperceptible movement of her head, but it signalled her acceptance of Clay's idea. She couldn't move more than that anyway. All the pain, the sadness, the exhaustion of keeping these emotions for herself, made it impossible to think, let alone to move more than what she had been doing.

And Clay's presence felt safe. Through her blurred ideas, she thought: "Let's try to confide in someone one last time, let's try to keep that friend and allow myself to be who I am."

They found themselves outside the house, where Clay saw Jeff staring at the couple with a large smile. Clay made a small grin to his friend, but didn't want to start a real conversation. Jeff knew better than to come and talk to the couple anyway.

Clay didn't know where to go, or what to do. His head was full of questions, his heart full of guilt for how Hannah reacted to their encounter, compassion for her sadness, and hope for a better future for her. Well, a better outcome for them, too.

He was still holding her hand even if they were outside. She was still walking behind him, as if he was bringing her somewhere safe to comfort her. Clay turned over to face her, and he was relieved to see she wasn't crying at that moment. But she looked upset, fragile, and beautiful. Clay paused, staring at Hannah's eyes that glanced at the ground.

"Hannah, look at me."

Hannah felt ashamed. Because she refused his affection even when it felt good to be in his arms, because she screamed at him whereas he had been so kind to her, because she could not take care of her emotions by herself. She didn't have the strength to look at him or even to answer him with words, so she shook her head.

And Clay said: "That's okay. You want to go somewhere quiet with me?"

Hannah nodded.

Clay's brain was working so fast. He sensed an urgency at finding a place for Hannah to feel safe, so that she might be able to open up to him.

And he inquired: "Is my place okay?"

Hannah nodded once more.

Clay took Hannah's arm and placed it on inside of his elbow. He put his opposite hand on hers and they started walking. They walked slowly, they didn't exchange a single word. The might was a witness to their shared affliction.

They got to Clay's house and he opened the door as quietly as he could. He offered a glass of water to Hannah, which she accepted. He leaded her upstairs to his room. They both sat on the bed, side by side, and none of them said a word.

Clay waited a moment to see if Hannah would express something, if not though her words, than through her gestures. But she was immobile, like a wax statue. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and found the courage to mutter:

"I'm here Hannah. It's going to be okay."