"No, I will absolutely not stand for this!" Robert nearly shouted as he entered the library in a flurry.
Cora barely stirred from her position on the couch, so accustomed as she was to her husband's outbursts.
"And what is 'this'?" She asked, looking at him mildly.
"These… new applicants for the staff. Carson's given me the list of whom he plans to hire," he said, rattling a piece of paper in his hand crossly, as if the very leaf itself was the root cause of his ire.
"What? Are they not suitable? Surely Caron wouldn't suggest them if they weren't."
"No – no. They are perfectly suitable," the lord said while his eyes scanned the room in exasperation. His frenzy had been momentarily derailed, and he was unsure of how to continue to display his displeasure.
Cora brought her eyebrows upwards and implored, "Then for whatever reason has you so concerned?"
"I am concerned," he enunciated, "because I've grown tired of seeing these absurd… names on the applications. I cannot let Downton be represented in this way. It would be an insult!"
Cora rolled her eyes, "Oh, not this again, Robert."
"I am sorry but this is absolutely ridiculous!"
He scanned the list of names.
"Take, for example Mister Tophar Roddleburst or Mister Letcheranus Almerodin because both could very well be the newest hallboy. Can you imagine?" He said, scandalised.
"Well, they would just be hallboys. You wouldn't be calling them by name."
"No, but someone would, and I will not have it; poor Carson cannot be expected to utter such a moniker; it's a wonder he was able to write these down! In any case, that is beside the point."
"Which is?.."
"Well –," Robert paused, troubled that his wife did not share his opinion about the importance of strong, conventional names in the serving class, "Has everyone gone mad? It seems like everyone Carson suggests has some sort of - of... farcical name!
"What happened to the virtue of a decent Christian name? Surely there are not so few that they've run out! Did we not do right by baptising our children with names like Mary or Edith? or Sybil?"
"And now, here we have Bathsheba Shuffleloot and, " he stopped to squint at a name that consisted entirely of constants, "I cannot even endeavour to pronounce this – these are to be the new laundry maids."
Cora looked at the offending list and quickly scanned the names, "Oh but some of these were quite popular back in America when I was a child."
Robert gave his wife a look that implied he doubted the future of the entire American nation due to her admission. He didn't doubt that she was telling the truth.
"Yes, but these people claim to be from Yorkshire, dear, though with a name like Greidyawl Gwalchmai I should doubt that."
"Robert! I'd like to think we are a gracious family and considerate employers. It doesn't matter where they come from or what they're called as long as they work. Griedyawl could very well be a nice young man and a dedicated," she paused to look at his supposed position, "page. We're hiring pages now?"
"But one day he may become a valet somewhere, or Miss Shuffleloot a lady's maid. Then what would you expect to call these people?"
"I would feel rather silly calling for Shuffleloot," Cora admitted with a slight turn of her lips.
Robert finally sat down in the chair opposite to his wife and asked with a sigh, "Where do they come up with these names?"
Almost to himself he muttered, "I should just assign all of the names to the newborns in town. Can't it be my right as Earl of Downton?... Perhaps it would be best to ask Matthew."
Clearly unimpressed with her husband, Cora suggested, "Is it really our place to change a people's traditions? You could just give them a fitting name if and when they begin here."
"But I should not have to do such a thing! When my father was Earl of Downton, he never had to worry that the woman cooking his dinner was name Remember Summer, or that the man serving him drinks was called Salmon Luncheon! No! Sensible people from sensible homes with sensible names applied and worked here - like Charles Carson! And now we have people from where their family hailed I dare not guess, nor would I even know how to begin to find out. This is not tradition; these people chose names willy-nilly!"
"I fail to see the problem if they did. I mean, you must remember the renaming we had to do for our current staff?
"Lovely Anna was Eluned Towers," she offered, as Robert just shut his eyes in surrender, "and O'Brien a Tifflebagwarth, and they've served us well.
"And remember Thomas was Beau D'Oyly," she furrowed her brow in thought, "Though I suppose he still considers himself a dandy despite the change of name."
Robert pinched the bridge of his nose. She didn't know the half of it.
"In any case, they accepted their new names and here we are – Anna, O'Brien and Thomas – all very respectable names and no one but us, Carson, and Mrs. Hughes know. They've all been very valuable to Downton."
Suddenly very tired, Robert seemed to deflate, "I suppose you're right."
"We'll just call them George Smith or Henry Black or what have you."
Cora smiled, happy to see her husband settled. She took the page again from her husband and scanned the names again.
"Good. So hire the new still room maid and call her Helen."
"Ah – yes, that would be Ellie Faunte. Helen is most definitely an improvement."
While researching, I found out that it was common practice for employers to rename their staff . What a ridiculous and unnecessary display of power! We even get a hint of it with Carson forcing Jimmy to take on James, but that's not so bad. So I wrote a stoopid drabble that accounted for the need to change names, and that was quite forgiving of the Crawleys, in going with the theme of the show.