The journals of a young boy ~~~ by Velasa.
Summary- After waking up in a strange land without any memory of his past, but before he became both god and deamon, what happened to the young namekian without a name?
7/3/01 8:59 PM
~~~NOTE- As said in the summary, this is the story of the child of Katass. I know this fic is impossible, since he couldn't write, but what if he had kept a journal? *inserts disclaimer* The time is self-explanatory, and there's no character notes. "Dreams" has a subtle connection to this, and if you've read that, you might pick it up, but this fic stands well alone by itself (unlike "shadows" which is totally dependent on that). The dates are provided in these- ^, and he uses his own terms for the passing of time. If you've got any of the darker music from "Evangelion" on hand, particularly "hedgehog's dilemma" plunk it in, since that's what I'm listening to as I type. And remember- he's a child, so I'm writing this in a child's style. Ciao. ~~
^ fourth dark cycle ^
Who am I?
This isn't the only question on my mind right now. What am I, where am I, why am I, and a dozen others also dance through my mind out here. Wherever 'here' is.
It's dark out now, and nothing is familiar. Nothing. I came to from whatever I was in the first place when it was a bit brighter, but there was so much darkness inside my mind it didn't matter. It's been a few dark cycles (is that the right word? I think so- the darkness comes and goes once, that's a cycle, right?) now, since I first opened my eyes.
I'm cold. The winds in this place scare me, but I don't know why. I'm scared and cold. This place is strange. It almost seems familiar.... but what's that mean? Strange thoughts keep trying to rise in my head, pictures of a sky that's colored like me, of eyes I feel like I know, but I don't. The only eyes here are my own, why should there be any other? The sky is nothing but a moving, black and gray mass, with occasional spots of.... yellow, no, not yellow, blue. THAT'S the word. Blue.
The same blue as the long, thin living things that stick up from the ground in carpets in my thoughts, and the same as one of those strange pairs of eyes.......
^ sixth dark cycle ^
Why do those eyes keep following me?? I don't even know what they are, or what they want from me, but every time I try to sleep, they're there. I think they're trying to tell me something... them, and that weird sky that's colored like me. The one I see in my dreams.
People see funny things in dreams. Sometimes they're sad things. My dreams make me happy when I'm asleep, but when I wake up, I can't remember anything but the sky and the eyes, and it scares me. I don't wanna remember them- I'll just ignore them until they go away.
^ ninth dark cycle ^
I'm still cold. And I still don't know where or anything else I am. Oh, those images have started fading. I can finally sleep without seeing them every time. But those eyes won't leave me alone...
The wind blows with a darkness here, this place confuses me. I hate them. I hate those winds, I hate these storms, I hate this place with a passion.
But WHY?
This is what I'm asking myself as I sit here shivering, trying to find shelter in a remote corner of the rocks. But no good in both cases. I don't know anything.... except I'm cold, I'm hurt, I hate this place, and I know those eyes........
^ fifteenth dark cycle ^
The moon is huge.... at least it's not as dark as it was before, when I can't see my hands in front of my face, but it's scarier now. I'm frightened..... so scared......
I'm terrified. I've never really been this scared before, and I don't know why. I hate this feeling, this helplessness, this..... loneliness? Is THAT the word I'm looking for? But... what does it mean?
I don't know anything, half the things I say or do I don't understand, and the water tastes funny here. My shoulder itches. I'm cold. I'm thirsty. I'm wet. I'm bored. I'm scared. That all I know. Why do I keep saying these things to myself so much? I guess I'm just trying to use what I know to keep me from going crazy in this place. I'm tired, gonna go to sleep now.
^ later ^
I woke up really scared just now- I~ I think I'm shaking, my writing is all funny, doesn't make much sense, but neither did the dream, the nightmare. All I can remember of it was dead people everywhere, and I knew them, but I couldn't make out a single face, like they'd been cut paper- the faces are all dark and muddy in my memory, and my eyes get all wet when I think of it, but I don't understand why...
There's a storm overhead. I'm trembling. I want it to go away... The eyes are coming to me again, but they don't scare me now, they make me feel better... I'm gonna go now.
^ eighteenth dark cycle ^
It rained again.
^ nineteenth dark cycle ^
Still raining. I don't like being wet.
My clothes were ripped up a little, and it was bothering me, so I fidgeted around with the sleeve of my shirt for a little while when something happened- I felt all strange inside, and they were fixed. Weird, isn't it? Like everything else here. The air smells funny. I drank a little water from a pool in the rocks, it was cool and made me feel better, but burned my tongue- it does tastes all funny, all wrong, but I can't seem to place why- since I can't think of how right-tasting water does.
At least it's a warm rain- I won't be shivering when I wake up.
^ twenty-first dark cycle ^
You know, no matter what, I'm lonely. I tried talking to a rock a little while ago.... sounds weird, doesn't it? I'm lonely. I think I know what that word means.... I just don't know how to say it. It's like being sad, but a really bad sad. It makes you want to curl up in a ball and just fade away, anything to make the hurting stop- it's like being thirsty, but not being able to drink. I'm tired, gonna stop writing soon.
I wonder if those eyes wanted to keep me company.
It's still raining. I tried to find somewhere to take shelter, but all I could do was sit there, hug my knees to me, and shiver. I hate being cold.
^ twenty-sixth dark cycle ^
I was just wondering- why does it have to be a dark cycle? Why can't it be a light cycle? That was just the first thing to come to my mind when I was looking for the word. That makes me sad.
I don't like being in the dark.
The dark scares me.
But how can it be a light cycle if it's never light here? I just realized that too. Sometimes it's less dark, but it always is.
Oh, and the images are almost gone. Haven't seem them in a while. That makes me happy... I think.
^ twenty-ninth dark cycle ^
I've been alone for a long time now. I can't really remember alot of the images, and what's left are faded, even those eyes. They don't scare me so much.
No rain now. That's bad. It didn't the last two cycles either. I'm getting thirsty.
^ ? ^
I've lost track of the time. I'm so thirsty..... it's been ages since it rained, and if it doesn't soon, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
My head feels light..... I can't see straight either... and my skin feels all funny, whenever I move around trying to rest, it stays the same, stiff, dry and empty.
My neck hurts too. I don't care if it tastes funny, I just want some water, just a little, this hurts! ... . ..... .....
^ ^
(the writing at this point is illegible, just a series of scribbles that don't resemble anything, except for one word- sad. )
^ first light cycle ^
Rain! It rained!!!! It rained!!!! Drinking hurts, but after a while, my neck isn't quite as sore whenever I do. And it's light outside. The memories are gone. I can't remember anything, even what they were like. And there are two reasons I've changed how I keep track of the cycles- first, I don't know how long it's been, and second.... the sun's shining.
It's beautiful.
I once thought the sky here was black, and the blue was just patches like clouds, but it seems it really IS blue...
I think I'm happy.
^ fourth light cycle ^
I'm wondering what it's like out there... I mean, I've been here in this spot for ages, and I've even grown a bit, but I haven't left this area of the cliff. If I can find water there, I'll go.
^ fifth light cycle ^
My mind's made up- I'm going to climb down the cliff and see what's down there. I'm probably not going to be able to write for a while, since it looks like a long way.... goodbye until then.
^ twelfth light cycle ^
I'm hurting really bad right now- my leg is throbbing... I tried getting down from where I was, but halfway through, I fell... My leg was slick with some purple stuff, and it really hurt, but I can't remember what it's called. All I can remember is that I've seen something like it in my nightmares, on the people I can't remember, but I'm not gonna talk about that right now. I don't like nightmares. I only got back to writing this now because I managed to pull myself back up the cliff. That made the throbbing a bit worse, but I really had to get back up here to find the water, and this. I wanted to write again.
Well, the moon is shining again. I don't think it scares me anymore. The light it spreads is bright, and it hides the darkness that scares me so. I'm exhausted...
^ fourteenth light cycle ^
Something very strange happened to me in the last while... I'd been keeping my leg wrapped up to stop it from moving, but when I pulled my shirt off it to wash it out- the hurt was gone. Totally. I can move it like nothing happened in the first place...Whatever's going on, it's good.
I tried to remember the eyes, but I can't. I guess they're really gone, then... it makes me a little sad. But the rain that's been going on for ages finally stopped- I tried that weird trick on my clothes again, and they looked all new. Dry too. Thinking of that makes me a little less sad. I wonder what else I can do. I'm going to try to climb down again, but now I'll be more careful.
^ fifteenth light cycle ^
Made it down with no problem, but I was really tired, so I slept alot, without a single nightmare. This is really getting better for me.
It rained, but I found a cave to hide in, where I could stay dry.
^ sixteenth light cycle ^
Rain's stopped again, I went out to look for a pool of water and found this strange thing, a container of some sort, seems organic, shaped like something that would come from a plant or a vine. So I hollowed it out with my hands, and now it can hold water. Pretty neat, huh?
Walked around some more, but it's just empty everywhere, except for rocks and wind and little plants clinging for life in crevices. I feel alot like them. But now I've got my own water, and a place to sleep. Things really aren't so bad after all.
^ thirty-seventh light cycle ^
It's been a long time since I've written, but there hasn't been anything to say. Whenever I could find water, I'd put it in the holder I made and brought it back to my 'home', where I'd pour some in a hollow I'd cut with a rock in the cold side of the cave, where it would stay as long as I wanted it to. There's also a little spot in the back where there are mosses, like the ones in the rocks, but these ones are special.
They have colors.
When the moon came again last dark, I had been sitting back there to get a drink from my little pool when I saw something with them, a little spot of yellow that had emerged in all the dark green. I knelt down by them, and right before my eyes they all burst into color, letting off the sweetest smell of anything in the world, and glowing so beautiful my face got all wet from crying. I curled up next to them and went to sleep, but in the morning, they were gone. I think it only happens when the moon is out in the darkness.... I can't wait until the next time.
^ fortieth light-cycle ^
Went exploring again, after the rain cleared up. I was trying to find more plants like mine, but there weren't any. Instead, I found out something else-
Well, when I was out, it started to rain again, really cold, and I was running really fast back home when something happened again- all of the sudden the view blurred around me, and something warm spread through my veins, made me feel all dizzy, I actually jumped a whole chasm in a single leap! It was amazing! It was such a rush, such, such, such...... AH! I don't know how to describe it, I was going so fast, and when I stopped, for a second there was this light enveloping me, wrapping me in it's sweet embrace, making me forget what sorrow ever was, but then it was gone, it was gone, like it had never been at all.
I've spent so much time trying to duplicate that feeling, to bring it back... I must have it back.... If it kills me, I'm going to capture that feeling, that, that, that power.....
^ ? ^
I've lost track of the time again. The moon has come and gone at least two dozen times since I last wrote, as I've been spending every waking moment possible trying to recapture the feeling from that dark in the rain. Even now I'm only writing because I'm too exhausted to move.
My body is bruised all over, but when I trip or fall, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. I'm stronger that before, I know it, but only once since the first have I felt that sweetness of the light surrounding me, engulfing my mind in it's warm flame. It was there for merely a breath, there one second and gone the next, but it was there, I hadn't imagined it, and now that I know it can be recaptured, I'll never stop until I do....
^ ? ^
I'm trembling. I don't know how long it's been, I don't care, I just know that if I died right now it couldn't upset me, the euphoria rushing through my blood couldn't be stopped by something as trivial as death....
It's mine, I captured it, I CAPTURED IT!!!!!
The, the rush, the warmth, the power, the.... joy. I've never felt this alive.
It happened while I was trying to strengthen myself, I wasn't watching where I was running and tripped over a rock, and I was falling, falling, falling down, tumbling across the ground, trying to stop and right myself, but I couldn't in time, and the rock ledge I tried to grasp crumbled between my fingers, sending me plummeting down. It had taken me a few cycles to get to the top of that rock face, and now I was plummeting down to the ground far faster than I'd ever wished to. I was terrified, screaming in fear, totally convinced I was going to land with a thud and never wake up again, but then something hidden in the back of my mind started yelling at me to concentrate. I had no other choice but to listen to it, and for a while, I still was frightened I was going to die, but then.... the rush of air stopped, and I felt.... warm.
I was hanging there in mid-air.
I still can't believe it.
I was... flying.
I can't possible describe what I did next, it's all a blur in my head still, but I remember laughing and soaring across the sky, the warmth I've searched so long for engulfing me. I'm at a loss for words now, so I'll just stop.
^ next cycle ^
I just awoke now, wanted to say something I forgot last time- I've counted up all the moons since first arriving here, and they equal about sixty. I've changed alot since I first opened my eyes... I'm no longer a child, yet I don't think I'm done growing yet, because I still have to do that trick with my clothes to make them longer from time to time. My arms and legs are far longer, and thicker from how I've been pressing myself to my limits so long. I still live in my cave, and I never miss watching the moss at the moon when it beams it's colors, but besides making myself stronger, there's not much I'll do.
Oh, wait, except one thing- Sometimes I'll sit atop the bluff where I first awoke, and just watch the sky, listen to the wind, and wait. For what?
I don't really know. All I know is that something is trying to speak to me, like those eyes I can't even begin to remember used to, wanting me to leave this place, to look for something that was lost long ago...I usually just get tired of sitting after a while, and go back to making myself more powerful. The stronger I get, the brighter the joy my inner light gives me.
^ a moon later ^
I just found the weirdest thing while flying around. At first I thought it was a strange rock, but as I flew in closer, it really more appeared to be another living thing, like some insect, but when I landed, I couldn't figure out what it was suppose to be. It stood up on four legs, colored a brilliant white, spikes sticking up all over. Something painful stuck in the back of my throat at the sight of it, but curiosity won over fear, and I approached it.
It didn't attack me, or burn my hand when I touched it (though it did make me shiver) like I'd half-expected. It just sat there. It bored me, so I left after a while, but two cycles later, I was back, trying to figure it out. I'm gonna stop writing now, was gonna go back to it again.
^ ? ^
It's been a few moons, but I finally got that weird thing to react to me- I was leaning against it and talking to myself when part of it cut away from the rest and fell down. It scared me at first, but then I made my way over to it and looked inside. I would have gone in, but something about the smell of it disturbed me, so I didn't. Instead I just sat outside and said things until it reacted again- I found out the word that makes the door work-
"piccolo"
^ ? ^
It's been a long time since I last wrote. From the gouges I've cut into the wall of the cliff every time the moss changed, I know it's been two hundred and ninety moons since I first awoke. My life has changed so much, yet so little in all this time. I still feel empty, besides those times that the warmth is surrounding me, and I still feel lonely.
The moss died.
It broke my heart last moon when I came to see it, and nothing happened- I haven't gone back in there since. I don't know if I'll ever go back. Recently I've just been sleeping on the hilltop where I go to think, wrapping myself in the warmth whenever it rains. Living up here has brought back memories of when I was young, but they don't seem real, more like pictures than things that ever happened to me. I feel hollow.
I don't know if I'll stay here much longer.
Besides, this is my last page.
I've decided that as soon as this space is filled, I'll close this book, and along with it, my old life. When it is finished, I'll leave it in the corner of my cave where the moss once grew, take my canteen, start walking and never look back.
Whatever the thing is that's been trying to speak to me, whatever it is that wants me to wait for it, is probably not coming. It would have come by now.
I'm at the very end of the page now... I'm not scared, though. Just a little sad. But I've no time to be sad now... there's more to the world than this place, I know it. There's something wonderful out there, somewhere I'll belong.... So here's to fate. Goodbye, for the last time.
Wish me luck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOTE- well, after almost forgetting about this a few months ago, I remembered it again. Hoped you liked it, but if not, tell me why. One day I'm hoping to put out a fic that goes along with this, but written in the traditional third-person view.... but that wouldn't be for a long time. *sighs* I've got a few other things I want to finish first, mainly "Sunflowers". *glances to the readers, nods politely* seeya round. ~~
3/6/02 10:24 PM