Notes 1: Honestly, the only ship I ship is JayLonnie. But I'm no good at writing romance, I can only write anti-romance, break-ups. I can only write angst so ayy ...
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a sack of sins and a heart of stone
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And when you grab that wand that's when your reign begins,
Who wants an evil queen without a sack of sins?
Don't you wanna be heartless and hardin' as stone?
– Maleficent, Evil Like Me
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The first time Audrey had seen Ben in beast mode, she was twelve and there was nothing she could have done to stop Ben from getting angry. She was much too petite and small to hold Ben back as the young prince roared and charged at a farm boy who had sent his temper flying.
Audrey remembers feeling a lot of things that day.
She remembers feeling like a helpless damsel-in-distress. She remembers telling herself she was not like Queen Belle, that she was not brave enough to intervene and protect Ben even though she had promised the King and Queen of Auradon earlier that she would look after Ben as he would to her.
It was supposed to be a peaceful afternoon, just the two of them, riding on their royal horses.
Audrey looked down at her shoes for the first half of the boys' tussle. Her shoes were silver and glittering like polished pennies, dragged in mud and much too childish for a princess of her age.
A frown found itself on her lips as Ben yelled at the farm boy to 'take it back!'
Audrey remembers thinking a twelve year old like her, a princess and future-to-be-queen like her, shouldn't own a pair of shoes like these, much less wear them. She shouldn't be walking around in sparkly sneakers. No, she should be in sophisticated flats or stylish ankle boots or uncomfortable heels.
She should be mature. She shouldn't be like this, stuck in this childish lie. Because she's turning thirteen and she's not going to keep being a kid anymore. She can't keep living like this. She's got Ben to think of now and a future kingdom to take care of and laws to enforce and an entire evil island to keep in check.
"Ben!" Audrey finally shouts. All this after Ben's tackled the boy who had made fun of Audrey's sparkly shoes. The three of them were out in an open field with no supervision and their horses were neighing wildly and the stupid boy probably didn't know he was dealing with royals. "Ben, stop! Get off him! Please, please!"
Audrey doesn't know when but she had started crying like a baby and that seemed to gotten Ben's attention to stop. He just stops because he knows her. He knows of her strong morals despite being rude at times, he knows of her being uptight and no-nonsense and sensitive.
"I'm sorry," Ben says after composing himself, looking innocent once again and extremely ashamed of himself. The farm boy had run away without even apologizing. "I'm sorry, Audrey, I didn't mean to ... You didn't have to see that."
The Ben Audrey knew was back. He's back. He's back to being kind and understanding. The type of boy that was much more mature than he looked and the much too kind to ever hurt a fly.
"It's alright, Bennyboo." Audrey says softly because a princess should never hold resentment. She can't hold her anger on him. Not when he's looking at her that way.
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They're fifteen and Ben's late for their date.
(Well, it's not really a date. More like a lunch meeting. But Audrey's going to call it a 'date' because they should technically be dating, she worked up the courage to hold his hand just last week.)
But, the main point is, Ben's extremely late, and it's reasonable to expect Audrey to get fussy (and worried).
Audrey had planned everything out, putting time aside from her busy princess schedule and setting up a nice picnic by the Enchanted Lake because she knows how much Ben hates being closed up in a stuffy castle. He's more of an outdoors person, like his Mother, he craves excitement and adventure, even if he won't admit it out loud.
(Not that he needs to, she knows him too well. She's known him since they were children.)
She understands that being a prince, much less training to be the future King of Auradon, is a taxing thing. Filled with packed schedules and, extra classes on decorum and politics and law, and meetings with the council. But, Ben could have at least told her he was running late. An hour behind, to be exact. Because it's Summer and it's hot and the curls that she spent an hour styling is now sticking to her neck uncomfortably.
A quick text wouldn't be too much a hassle, would it? It's not like he was forced to draft a letter via quill and paper and then tie it to the leg of a carrier pigeon.
When Ben finally does show up, looking frantic and apologetic and carrying a plastic bag from a local convenient store, Audrey can't say that her tantrum takes over her. Not when those hazel-green eyes of his is looking oh-so sadly at her.
And the worst part is, she can't even stay mad at him, because he got her two bars of favourite ice-cream sandwiches and they're not even melted.
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"Prince, you say?" Evie utters, beautiful brown eyes sparkling wide and a haughty smile forming on her lips.
Audrey's eyes snap to Evie who flutters her eyelashes seductively at Ben before Audrey tears her gaze to the other three villain kids who exchange glances and sneer at each other. Oh, Audrey knows exactly what that look means. That look means Evie's 'friends' are well aware that Little-Miss-Pretty Evie is up to her old antics of being a flirt.
"You know, my mother is the Evil Queen –" Evie says, emphasizing on the 'Queen' part. "– so that makes me a princess."
"Um," Ben mutters, clearly uncomfortable but too kind to not drop his politeness or his smile.
Poor Ben. All he wanted to do was give the villain kids a second chance as his first order of ruling and this is the thanks he gets? Unwanted attention? These villain kids aren't misunderstood, they're dirty no goods.
"The Evil Queen has no royal status here. And neither do you. So, by law, you're not a princess." Audrey says and smugly grins wider when she sees the Evil Queen's daughter frowning.
Because, Audrey thinks, how dare she? How dare this evil, evil girl think she can stroll up to Auradon and flirt with her boyfriend right in front of her eyes? Does this girl have no shame? No self-control? No manners?
Who is Evie or any of these kids to think they can do whatever they want just because Ben has invited them to their kingdom? The damage the villains have caused has lasted a long time, affecting at least two generations.
For Audrey, it was three generations. Having her grandparents miss out sixteen years of her mother's life and then having her own mother not knowing how to raise her with proper motherly love from the lack of parental figures. Audrey admits, the fairies did their best, but at the end of the day, they are not human loving parents, they are magical creatures that live forever. Raising a child and loving it – well, what's only one small part of their eternal life?
"Well," Ben clears his throat. He places his hand on Audrey's lower back as a silent thank you and starts guiding the group towards Auradon Prep. It doesn't take a genius to know tension is rising between Audrey and the four kids. "Let's start our tour, shall we?"
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A fight breaks out on Family Day. Audrey isn't entirely sure how things escalated so fast. She just remembers being angry because Mal had decided to upset her grandmother; a harmless sweet old lady, a queen.
The other villain kids and Ben had decided to jump in on Mal's defence while Chad had jumped in for Audrey.
It's not to say Chad would hit a girl because he's raised better than that but he looks so furious that Audrey thinks he may just lose his senses and do just that. Audrey won't say she'll allow it but she is glad that at least someone's in her corner.
Because Ben isn't. He isn't. And he knows her grandmother personally, on a deeper level than just elegant titles and dutiful bows. Her grandmother has hand knitted Ben Christmas sweaters in the past and sent him birthday cards and rode horses with him when he visits the sleeping beauty castle.
"Grandmother!" Audrey exclaims as she clutched onto the frail woman but, really, Audrey should have yelled out Chad's name because Evie pulls out a bottle and sprays him with it.
Oh God.
Oh God!
"Chad!"
Is he poisoned? Is he dead? Will he sleep for a hundred years? He's lying on the ground unconscious and Audrey doesn't know what to do. She just lost a boyfriend, she can't lose another. Not to the villain kids. Not again.
"You monsters!" Audrey yells.
And she can't believe she's saying these things because princesses do not yell. They do not raise their voices or run or laugh too loudly or slurp their soups or –
"You're evil! All of you! I hate you, you can all rot!" The words that spill out of Audrey's mouth is foul and she thinks she must be cursed because she would never say such things.
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Six months later, all of it washes over and Audrey wonders if it was all a bad dream. She would have truly believed that if she was not reminded of Ben and Mal's relationship day in and day out. It seems like there's nothing better to talk about on the TV other than –
"I love you." Chad Charming had said one night while holding Audrey's hands under the moon light.
They had decided to take a stroll to clear their heads. And, really, Audrey should have her head cleared by now because they've been walking for hours and it was almost close to midnight but –
Audrey pulls her hand away, "Wha – What? Chad, I –"
"I'm in love with you, Audrey." He says seriously.
'I love you', 'I'm in love with you' – wow.
Audrey knows she should be happy, if not, at least flattered. But, she's not. She's not. Instead, she feels horribly hurt.
Because Audrey realizes she may have just jumped into this relationship too fast. Because she realizes she's been leading Chad on all this time while not harbouring any romantic feelings for him. Because she realizes she's never once heard Ben tell her these exact three words the entire time they had dated.
"Chad, I don't – I don't know what to say." Audrey answers though it's not the answer she wants to say and she knows it's not the answer Chad expected. But, honestly, what is there to say?
"You don't have to say anything. I just wanted to tell you how I feel. It's okay, babe." Chad says and leans in to give her a quick peck on the lips.
On reflect, Audrey kisses Chad back, though there's no magic spark between the soft action. It reminds Audrey of that forced kiss she had pushed onto Chad the day Ben had dumped her in front of the whole school and declared his love for Mal.
"I'm sorry," Audrey apologizes.
She feels like a horrible girlfriend. Maybe she should have just left Chad to date Evie. Audrey probably would have if she hadn't harboured any resentment for the blue haired girl for flirting with Ben on the first day she set foot on Auradon.
"It's okay, babe." Chad repeats and means it.
Chad deserves better than her. He deserves better than Audrey who's an unsure girlfriend and a failing princess for the way she's acted and the words she's said.
Chad's dreamy with his impossibly blonde hair and deep blue eyes. Anyone would be lucky to have him, even if he's not all that smart. At least he's faithful and devoted, he hasn't stared at anyone other girl since Audrey declared they were dating.
"I'm really sorry." She repeats and she's not sure if it's directed to Chad or herself or the whole of Auradon in general.
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Audrey holds back her tears and tries not to sniffle too loudly as the candle light flickers. Her roommate is sleeping soundly and Audrey doesn't want to wake up the poor girl. That would be extremely cruel, and Audrey's been plenty rude already in the past.
Fairy Godmother had always said 'Don't focus on the past or you'll miss the future' but Audrey thinks she's too deep in her past mistakes to think otherwise.
Dear Chad, Audrey writes formally and feels her stomach churn. I regret to inform you that –
God, this is awful.
This is the second worse possible way to break-up with someone (the first is declaring true love for a villain in front of a school full of princes and princesses, dukes and duchesses, lords and ladies; public humiliation). Audrey's break-up letter is written in elegant cursive writing, handwritten on an expensive card, folded and sealed with a royal envelop.
She needs to do this. She needs to set Chad free. She can't keep dragging him around anymore. She doesn't love him.
(At least, not like the way she loved Ben)
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"Hi, Chad." Audrey says into the phone as she stands beside her broken down car. Just her luck. Just her damn luck.
"Audrey? Audrey?" Chad says her name over and over again, he sounds so hopelessly in love with her.
"Yes, Chad, it's me." She answers and winces at her own voice.
Audrey had scrolled through her contacts for half an hour before deciding that the one person she could call was Chad. After all, he was the only one who had stood by her on that fateful Family Day when the villain kids and Ben had sided with Mal against her poor grandmother.
"I ... I need your help." Audrey says and hates herself for being a damsel-in-distress. "My car broke down on the way to Sherwood Forest. Can you ... come over and fix it?" She asks and then quickly says, "I'll understand if you say 'no'," because it's Ben and Mal's Royal Cotillion day and Chad had told her all about his commissioned cape even though she never asked and tried to distance herself away from him.
(It was better for him. It was better for the both of them, but now she's breaking her own rules and calling him up and –)
"Of course. I'll come right now!" Chad says and Audrey hears Chad running on the other side of the phone. And then he asks like the clueless blonde boy the school has dubbed him as, "Where did you say you were again?"
Good grief, this boy. This stupid, stupid devoted boy.
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"Audrey, no!" Mal yells. The rest of the villain kids are close by, skidding to a halt behind Mal when they take in the sight of it all – the terror and the horror.
They're seventeen now and Audrey feels evil powers swirling around her as power courses through her veins. Audrey's done many bad things, too much damage to turn back, her heart's a hard stone now.
She's cursed.
No, scratch that, she's cursed herself! Whatever she was, whoever she was, before she held onto Maleficent's sceptre, the old her has now slipped away like smoke through fingers.
"Let us help you!" Ben's voice of reason calls, hazel-green eyes shining with the same emotion when they were twelve.
Audrey's glossed lips settled back into a frown and she pushed back her pink and purple highlights. Gripping onto Maleficent's sceptre, Audrey decides that she wasn't the one who was a helpless damsel-in-distress. They were. They were the ones that needed saving from her.
"Audrey, please." Chad begs pathetically, blue eyes blinking in fear. Some prince charming he is.
"Put the sceptre down, Audrey, you don't know what you're doing!" Ben pleads.
And this makes her angry.
Using both her hands to grab onto the sceptre, she embraces the dark magic. Audrey yells at Ben, forgetting everything princess-y about herself, forgetting her promise to the King and Queen of Auradon all those years ago.
She tells Ben, not like herself, "Oh, I know what I'm doing! And so did you when you broke my heart and chose Dragon girl over me! Now it's time to pay the price and face the consequences!"
This is not the Audrey Ben knows. This isn't the Audrey Chad knows either. This is not Audrey at all.
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end
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Notes 2: I wrote this cause my dad left me in the car for an hour with nothing but the windows rolled down. I had no AC, it's Summer. Being BBQ-ed to death is not ideal, Father, and you'd best believe I'm eating your share of the ice-cream sandwich because I'm a horrible twenty-two year old daughter.
– 16 July 2018