A Prometheus Companion
He sat in the cinema, waiting for the start of the first Alien prequel (if you don't count the two Alien versus Predator movies which were both Alien prequels). The lights dimmed; the curtains opened wide and the angelic choir gave song.
He was in a state of quiet awe at the sight of the strikingly featured humanoid that trekked across the rocks along the top of the waterfall. He'd waited many years for this moment. He was going to love the film. He could feel it in his bones.
But later, after the credits had rolled, he had to justify to himself why he loved the film. He sat down at his computer, ran his copy of the film he'd purchased on iTunes and set about untangling the multitudinous webs of obfuscation left us by the previously talented Ridley Scott.
His confidence was emphatic. He was certain he would break-
THE PROMETHEUS CODE!
... and this is how he did it...
7:40 The Prometheus shot through space faster than a ray of light, but viewed from the side, its engines could easily be seen coasting merrily along at a much slower pace. This was a phenomenon known as 'Spatial Light Drag', or SLD for short.
11:40 Though the affects of acceleration/deceleration to and from 'Faster than Light' Speed would be catastrophic on the human body, the affect on the ship is just a lazy roll fore and aft and may be seen on objects such as pool balls. It was once thought that this rapid acceleration and deceleration would cause 'g' forces beyond that calculable by man, but this turned out not to be the case. Slow moving pool balls prove this.
13:15 The amount of time elapsed in the future will be counted a day shorter than normal and therefore the necessity of counting the final period up to a maximum of 47 hours 59 minutes and 59 seconds would be the norm. It took Prometheus 2 years 4 months 18 days *36 hours* and 15 minutes to arrive at LV-223. 19 days and 12 hours just sounds so passé.
13:40 Though it is usual for the human body to experience shock straight after coming out of hypersleep and therefore for the passenger to vomit violently, they are only allowed to use small containers to spew into. The floors must be cleaned anyway and it turns out, the hydrochloric acid from inside the human stomach, is a great cleaning agent for spaceship floors.
14:20 Members of spaceship's crews (especially ship's Captains) are encouraged to smoke on board ship. There is plenty of air. You may as well pollute it.
14:40 Always shake hands with palm facing down. This shows superiority. Millburn knows what he's doing.
14:50 Start off sentences aimed at causing offence by using the words 'no offence' at the beginning. This will reduce offence (possibly) and make things more amiable in an enclosed space many Light Years from home. Fifield knows what he's doing.
15:10 In the year 2093CE, 'a Hundred Credits' is worth somewhere around 6 British pence, or 10 American cents. If you're going to bet lads, make it worthwhile.
15:30 Do the introductions AFTER you have spent over two years in space together, never before. This allows an extra sense of mystery to the proceedings. Also, always be patronising- this will motivate the crew to work harder and more diligently. There will be fewer cock-ups.
16:10 The words 'Long Dead' in 2091 means any time over 4 days, not around a thousand years as it means to the people of the early twenty-first century.
16:25 The android 'David' will never grow old- he will never die- though he will be obsolete within around 3 or 4 years after purchase like all computer hardware. You can find any old David-8s at the back of unused Primary School rooms any time after 2095 (they're stacked next to the Dot Matrix Printers). They will let you have a second-hand one for around 200 Credits.
16:40 David will never have a soul, as Peter Weyland announced. It was at this point, David-8 thought to himself: "Hold on, that's only cos you're not smart enough to design one, you old git! If you're gonna belittle someone, belittle yourself."
17:00 "As far as you're concerned, they're both in charge." Big words from a man who's been dead for more than 4 days. Meredith Vickers will amend that little mistake later. Mark my words.
17:50 You need at least 7 Pictograms if you want to get a spaceship into deep space. Not a Pictogram more... or less...
19:10 A thirty-something man can refer to other thirty-somethings as 'you two kids'. There's nothing odd about that. You tell 'em Fifield.
19:45 Millburn was right that Shaw and Holloway's findings discounted 3 centuries of Darwinism, even though this kind of finding didn't actually discount 3 centuries of Darwinism. Something being created doesn't disprove evolution, but in a funny kind of way, if you squint really hard, I suppose it kinda does. You tell 'em Millburn. That's... Wooooo!
19:55 A scientist believing in make-believe in the year 2093. What's wrong with that? She 'chooses' to believe. I know most people think you can't 'choose' to believe something- you either believe or you don't. But most people like quiche, so there you go. Time to bring in the Electric Monk to do some believing for her, me thinks.
20:45 As we saw with the pool balls rolling at 11:40 the inside of the ship picks up outside motion. If you're going to go out into space, take a shit-load of books with you balanced precariously on shelves to give you something to pick up constantly as they fall to the floor or after the life boat is ejected. And I don't think those chimes would ever get annoying.
20:55 Meredith Vickers likes to minimise risk. Remember that for later.
21:10 Hey, it's a Pauling Med-Pod. Remember that for later.
21:20 In the year 2093 a person's medical history is open to all who want to know about it. Asking someone why they need a machine that carries out Bypass Surgery is fine. They may have a bad heart. You have a right to know. Right? Don't you?!
21:30 If you'd 'marked my words' at 17:00, you'd be expecting Meredith Vickers to enter into a monologue saying she's in charge sometime about now. The seven Pictograms from all around the world dated from before anyone knew what glass was, never mind telescopes or interferometers, used as inspiration for a Trillion Dollar expedition (I'm not sure why we've changed back from credits to dollars) were just the scribblings of savages living in dirty little caves. Meredith Vickers has no knowledge to back this up, but then again, neither does Elizabeth Shaw have any good evidence to back up her belief in noodles... I mean gods.
21:50 And if Shaw and Holloway, who'd spent their whole careers searching for the answer, did find the Engineers, they would certainly have Meredith Vickers words holding them back from talking to the big men. If they crossed her she'd... she'd... she'd... well, she'd do something. There. See. It was well worth putting her cautionary line in the story.
23:15 Hey Janek, just a few seconds before entry (a few little seconds), tell everyone who's casually walking around the spaceship to suddenly brace for entry. He, the Captain who's flying the ship, had obviously only just realised they were about to enter the atmosphere and couldn't give them more than just a few seconds of warning. Never trust a man that smokes on a spaceship.
25:15 "God does not build in straight lines." Says Holloway. Two points here:
1) I didn't think Holloway believed in gods;
2) If he was using 'god' as a metaphor for nature, why didn't he just say 'nature doesn't build in straight lines'?; and
3) How does he know that gods don't build in straight lines? It's almost as though they wanted to annoy atheists with their puerile 'god' talk.
(Okay, that was 3 points, not 2)
26:55 No weapons on a Scientific Expedition? Really? How about if they come across a massive man-eating alien, or a deadly snake like creature, or an enormous albino man who's been asleep for two-thousand years and is feeling really grumpy? Or how about if the android goes nuts and starts opening doors willy-nilly before being told to do so? No weapons- pah!
28:05 Three vehicles leave for the structure. A small number, not easily overlooked.
28:45 Holloway wants to know if the structure is natural, or not? Really? Did someone not show the picture of the lovely, perfectly curved structure to the writer to let him know to take that line out, or show the script to the special effects guys to let them know to make the structure more irregular in shape or not to put in too many manmade-looking structures like Sphinx-style faces on the outside? And we already know god doesn't build in straight lines somehow. Holloway said it himself.
29:05 Thin rocks everywhere sticking up out of the ground? In this weather? Hold on, I'm a bit premature on that one. Come back later.
29:20 Prometheus can see and hear from the people in the Environmental suits. That's an interesting point we may return to later.
30:35 Those two guys really fancy each other.
32:00 Well, Fifield knows the way now. Of course he does- he sent the pups out. Hope this piece of information isn't completely contradicted later.
33:00 On Earth, we have umbrellas to keep us dry. On a planet they've not checked out to be safe in any substantial way, it doesn't matter if your head gets wet, or if you get water inside your suit. Don't be such a square: take your helmets off already. Let's get crazy.
34:10 The temperature is -12. Doesn't matter if that's Fahrenheit, Celsius, Centigrade or Kelvin- their noses would be red and their teeth would be chattering. (maybe not Kelvin, but then again, you can't get -12 Kelvin, so be quiet)
37:20 -12 and we don't see water vapour as they breathe out, even when they're shouting. Très bizarre, non?
37:30 Biologists, in the year 2093, are scared of dead bodies. It's a well-known fact that all biologists are scared of dead bodies. Get over it and watch the film, will you.
38:30 It's a good job they're wearing their helmets with a dead alien body lying around and no idea if there are any toxins on the other side of that door, isn't it? Oh no! They're not wearing their helmets!
38:35 There's a cloud of dust rising up from the door, everybody! Are you seriously not even going to consider putting your helmets back on?
40:25 The murals are changing. That's it! Now I remember why scientists in a completely new environment on a planetoid in the far reaches of space should keep their helmets on- to protect the murals! Tut tut.
41:10 Janek is talking to the Groundcrew. Good job he's in constant audio/visual communication.
41:30 From the looks of things, Holloway is probably the greatest ever scientist the world has ever seen and has unflinching scientific reasoning. Follow his example: if you travel Light Years to find a planet you've been searching for all your career and find a structure made by the aliens who inspired the cave paintings you searched for, and now you find that there are no aliens alive in the first structure you inspect- give up. Just give it all up. Declare that it's just another tomb and that all the aforementioned aliens in the galaxy are dead.
Bish-bash-bosh- job's a good 'un.
That, my friends, is the scientific method to a tee... in 2093.
42:05 There's a vehicle moving off into the distance and two vehicles remaining. That's three vehicles in total, like there was at 28:05. But shouldn't there be just two? Shouldn't Fifield and Millburn be back at Prometheus by now? Shouldn't Prometheus know Fifield and Millburn are lost? Shouldn't Fifield and Millburn, who are in constant contact, or who are able to be in constant contact with Prometheus, have contacted Prometheus to tell them they were lost? Surely Fifield and Millburn heard Prometheus warning them all about the storm- why didn't they say anything like 'we're lost- can you show us the way'? Shouldn't Fifield know the way seeing as he knew it before at 32:00 and he is the cartographer?
All these questions have answers, you know?! Now just keep watching the film and let's have no more of your lip.
42:30 Ah, here we are after my premature ejaculation at 29:05. Thank you for coming back. You'd think such powerful winds would quickly erode any tall, thin rocks that were sticking up out of the ground. Wouldn't you? Especially with all that silica debris. Hey, what do I know?
44:45 "Where's Millburn and Fifield" Says Captain Janek. [Palm slaps forehead] If only I'd thought of that. Of course no one would know where they are- they're in constant contact and they have a 3D image of the structure with the location of each individual on the expedition represented by a spinning diamond. Therefore, it would be impossible for Prometheus to know where Fifield and Millburn are, or for Fifield and Millburn to hear Janek asking where Fifield and Millburn are... because they're in constant contact with everyone. This is starting to make sense now in a very opposite kind of way.
44:50 It would be impossible for Shaw to know if Fifield and Millburn were back. Naturally she would ask, "aren't they back yet?"
There's something nagging at me. Something about three vehicles. Now what is that...?
45:00 At the risk of being trite:
"We've been here before, Fifield"
"It all looks the same to me."
Cartographer.
Pups.
'He loves rock'...
Help me. My brain hurts.
45:40 "Which way now?" They ask each other. Any reason why one of the people on Prometheus doesn't tell them? Constant. Audio. Visual. Communication.
47:00 Now, you're probably wondering why no one is wearing their mask while they work in such close proximity to the alien head that's been dead for 2,000 years, especially after the mural changing debacle. That's a good question, and well done for asking it. Now, look deeply into my eyes and forget you ever asked it. [snap of the fingers] You're back in the room. Enjoy the film.
47:20 A little factoid for you here, but all archaeologists in the future know all there is to know about brain surgery, especially alien brain surgery of a creature they have previously not mapped and until only a few seconds earlier had thought what they believed to be a fossilised skull was in fact a helmet.
47:40 As you can see, Holloway is thoroughly unimpressed by what's going on with the impressive, giant, humanoid-looking, alien head. I told you- he's a remarkable scientist. Only the very best scientists have no interest in the wondrous and unknown of the universe.
50:05 Due to the very advanced technology of the late twenty-first century, you can override any computer program by simply using physical force and threats. True story.
50:15 We all like a nice cup of tea.
51:00 100% DNA match? But their eyes are black and their skin is opaque and they stand over eight feet tall in bare feet.
Brain hurts again.
52:00 No, David- don't kill Doctor Holloway: he's our foremost scientific mind.
54:00 "It's those things." Said Millburn. Biologists have a limited technical vocabulary when it comes to biology. Future surgeons will be the same: "Helper, give me sharp metal thing to cut out throbbing ball from person chest."
55:00 Whilst leaning over the 3D hologram with Fifield and Millburn clearly established by their spinning diamonds, Captain Janek asked Millburn where they were. Captain Janek obviously has very poor visual acuity, but is a pilot on a spaceship. Never trust a man that smokes in a confined space.
Also, Prometheus has to travel through space. Space has an ambient temperature of 2 Kelvin (about -270 degrees Centigrade). The temperature on LV-223 is probably over -12 degrees Centigrade. The ship normally has to heat it's interior up by around 300 degrees. On the planet it has to heat it up only about 30 degrees. So why the shazbot is the Captain wearing an old person's tartan blanket?
58:00 "And 'who' made them?" Asked Elizabeth Shaw. 'Who'. See, I know what you're thinking here- this woman is a scientist and knows the pertinent question to ask is 'what' rather than 'who' when it comes to the evolution of the universe. But here, she specifically asks 'who'. A quite brilliant question. Most adroit.
More coffee...?
58:30 See, Elizabeth, who's a scientist asks what it says about her that she can't create life. You're shouting that it doesn't mean a damn thing. But who's the scientist here? She is.
Where's that coffee...?
1:01:25 When arriving on a new world and discovering that you've found the alien species that created Man, and when two of your charge are isolated and alone in an alien structure that is known to have something inside that killed many of the aliens who created humans, it is perfectly normal to leave no one on duty on the bridge if you fancy a shag. A man who smokes on a spaceship is not a wise man.
1:01:30 Now this is so easy to explain why Fifield and Millburn, the two terrified guys from 37:30 are walking through the field of weird alien vases.
Back in a sec...
1:01:45 It's even easier to explain how and why someone would take marijuana out onto a quick expedition with him. He obviously knew he was going to get lost, separated and have to stay out all night.
1:02:20 It is SO easy to explain why the scaredy-cat biologist who was petrified of the dead body at 37:30 is so sweet and cuddly with the terrifying alien that looks like a cobra. It's so easy to explain, that, you know, I'm not even gonna. It's that easy.
1:06:15 Isn't it strange that the search team haven't learnt to keep their helmets on after last time? It's almost like they've been infected by the Despair Squid.
1:09:00 What are they doing?! Don't they know they should have their helmets on by now? Think about the murals! Oh, the humanity...
1:11:00 Well, they found Millburn, but... how about that other guy? You know that other guy? What's his name...
oh look over there a cat...
1:15:55 It's company policy to leave a fully fuelled flamethrower lying around the hangar bay at all times.
1:16:40 It is also company policy to never prevent anyone from trying to kill someone else. If someone needs to be quarantined, you don't allow them such privilege. You destroy them!
1:21:30 Finally arrived back here. Meredith Vickers likes to minimise risk. Why, she said so at 20:55 her very self. Now, we find that she lied to us. She doesn't like to minimise risk at all. She likes to live on the edge. Like a rebel! This Pauling Med-Pod is calibrated only for males of the Homo sapiens genus. Not females like what Meredith Vickers is. She fooled us all. You have to give it to her, the old rascal. Tuh!
1:22:00 Lovely body. Hard to believe there's a creature the size of a Jack Russell inside an amniotic sack residing within such a trim form. She must work out.
1:23:30 Did you ever go on one of those things at the seaside where you try to grab a teddy bear inside a machine? I could never work out what the skill was to winning that one. Just saying. Carry on watching, please.
1:24:00 You know- one of those machines that grabbed the prize, but then just let it go because it was so effete.
1:25:00 Oh my god! It's Fifield! Fifield everybody! Fifield is back! He's alive! Everyone- come see- it's Fifield- and he's okay! He's right outside the Hangar door! His visor camera just came back on! This is probably the greatest moment of my life! Oh, the joy! After the sadness of finding Millburn dead and after the shame of leaving Fifield all on his lonesome when we had to rush Holloway back, now, here he is! Here he is! Alive! I'm so happy! Fifield! It's like Christmas has come 358 days early! Let's all go down to the Hangar bay to greet him! Let the American High-Fives and Fist-Bumps fly! Everyone! Let's parrrrrr-tay! [Cue party poppers, balloons falling from the ceiling and music: 'Celebration' by Kool & the Gang]. # There's a party goin' on right here; a celebration to last throughout the years #
FIFIELD IS ALIVE!
1:25:15 Hold on just one second. Cut the music- time out. Everyone's acting very understatedly. Why is everyone so understated... and confused and... and all suspicious-like that Fifield is back here and alive? This is all very strange, but... but... But, no! No, I can explain. I know exactly why they're not cheering and jumping around hugging each other that the man (who they'd embarrassingly forgotten, or just not bothered about) has returned. This is actually the most obvious thing to explain actually. Quite simple really.
Start the music again. A-ya-ta-taa...
1:25:35 I know what you're thinking. You're thinking how come they're approaching Fifield so cautiously and incredulously and not rushing up to him trying to help him. I know that's what you were thinking. But I've already told you it's obvious why all this is happening the way it is, haven't I...
1:25:40 "Hey Wallace. Take a look at this-" Says the bloke. 'This'. They've forgotten his name. They've forgotten he was out there. They didn't care to go back to look for him... and now he's no longer a human being to them. He's a 'this'. No wonder he's pissed off.
1:27:20 If I was Shaw, it's about now after the trauma of seeing the love of her life murdered, that I'd go down to the hangar and find one of those fully filled flamethrowers, find out where Meredith Vickers is locked up and go insert the thing violently into the back end of her...
... or go and have a chat with an old man then take a wee jaunt to an alien ship instead.
1:27:30 Peter Weyland didn't want anyone to know he was on board because... erm... well, he couldn't let anyone know he was on board because... erm...
1:28:40 "If they created us, then surely they can save us." More impenetrable scientific reasoning from another great scientific mind.
1:29:00 You're wondering why Shaw doesn't tell Weyland that she is now in charge as she's going to sue the arse out of his company vicariously for murdering her lover- the greatest scientific mind of the 21st century.
1:32:50 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Meredith Vickers not locked up and just walking around, free as you like? But she just killed Shaw's boyfriend, the greatest scientific mind of the 21st century.
Did you know Meredith Vickers is an anagram of Paris Hilton? Another true story.
1:46:30 And here it is. Finally. The scene you've all been waiting for. I know- you're shouting at the screen. You're shouting: "JUST RUN TO THE SIDE! YOU ONLY HAVE TO TAKE THREE STEPS AND YOU'LL BE CLEAR OF IT! DON'T RUN AWAY FROM IT! IF YOU WANT TO AVOID A STEAMROLLER, YOU DON'T RUN AWAY, YOU JUST RUN TO THE SIDE! EVEN BUGS BUNNY KNOWS THAT!" Well, stop shouting, cos you're wrong. They had to try to outrun it. You weren't there, man! You weren't there...
Next!
1:47:10 See, she could see she couldn't outrun it in the end, so she fell over and rolled gently to the side.
1:47:30 Have you ever seen Harold Lloyd, Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin avoid being crushed by a falling house? They stand where the window will land. You can't help but admire that Elizabeth is trying to emulate the movies of the greats... or she could just step to the side...
1:49:30 Just look at the mess all those precariously shelved books have made. Didn't I say? Didn't I? I did. Oh well, at least she has something to pick up now to keep her busy.
1:50:40 A poisonous atmosphere that the Engineers had to convert in their underground passages so they could breath and now here's one of them who made it from his own wrecked vessel to the life boat with no breathing apparatus whatsoever. Surely not, you say.
Wrong!
1:52:00 A massive Engineer and an even bigger squid-like monster on the craft next to her and she's just lying there trying to get a tan? But like she says, she can't do it, Charlie. Then why did she escape from the Engineer and the squid-like creature in the first place if she couldn't-do-it-Charlie? Look, she's had a rough time; she wants a rest and a tan. Give her a minute. Please.
1:54:50 She's going to go on a Rambo style rampage to the planet of the Engineers. Prometheus 2 should last a good ten seconds. And get James Cameron on the phone for me, will you?
1:56:35 Scientists on New Year's Day 2094 don't designate the years by the non-supernatural term- Common Era (C.E.), they call it The Year of Our Lord, or Anno Domini (A.D.). Even Hindu, Buddhist, Muslim religious scientists use the term A.D. because it's really cute and all religions get on well with each other, like family. Everyone knows Jesus, the one true saviour, died for almost two days to be able rule over the entire universe (allegedly), to pure us of the sins we committed against god (maybe) who created us knowing we would sin (possibly). The sin being- [Huge biblical voice] THE SIN OF EATING A PIECE OF FRUIT! Let us pray...
Did you know that Adam isn't actually committing incest when he has sex with Eve? He's actually having sex with himself. He was like the very first 13 year old boy.
1:57:00 The voice of 'Comic Book Guy' from The Simpsons resounded out in the minds of everyone watching the film: "The Deacon alien- Worst alien ever!"
And the way its jaws extend reminds me of a person with a really bad tooth to gum ratio, or a Xenomorph pensioner without any fangs. 'I can still gum you to death!'
Rubbish.
I think some directors (like the ones who made Aliens versus Predator: Requiem, or Predators), want to make good movies, but are just really bad at their jobs and ruin it due to their incompetence. I don't think this was Ridley Scott's intention here. I think he wanted to destroy the movie, but fucked up royally and somehow got some really awesome things in there by accident, which confused the audience into thinking he's still a really good director.
But all that being said, this was my 2nd favourite film of the year behind Cabin in the Woods and in front of Avengers Assemble.
Let me finish by reciting an Ode to Prometheus 2:
Oh, Prometheus 2
(whatever you're going to be called)
I am so terrified of what you're going to do to destroy what remains of the Xenomorph mythology.
Please have fewer faults than your predecessor.
Thank you.