This is by far the smuttiest thing I've ever written, and I'm a bit nervous to publish. Thanks to the anon who sent me this prompt on Tumblr- Nick and Jess get back together through a series of hookups. Thanks to everyone reading and messaging me! And as always, I would love to read your thoughts.
Title borrowed from Taylor Swift's We Are Never Getting Back Together.
The first time it happens they're at Clyde's, and they're supposed to be celebrating Winston's birthday. But there's way too many people in there so nobody really notices when they sneak out to the bathroom. The floor tiles are sticky, and it's sort of dark, but Jess pushes him into the nearest stall and he presses her body against the wall.
"This is crazy", she pants, and Nick grunts out his agreement because his lips are too busy sucking on her throat to actually vocalize his answer. His hands are touching her everywhere, and all she can do is moan and pant and press herself against his warm body.
And like, he can't even remember how they ended up locked away there, but he does remember Jess drinking a lot (A Lot) of pink wine while he drowned two, maybe three glasses of whiskey.
"Oh, my God, Nick", she moans, because his tongue is closing down over her clothed breast and she's crazy turned on right now and this is definitely not how she pictured her night going.
He's also grinding his hips against hers, his hands splayed over her ass and holding her up against the stall wall. He's drunk, and she's probably even drunker than him, but their hands seem to be on autopilot and it's easier than it should be for her to lower his pants and boxers to the floor and for him to rip away her panties.
He pushes inside her forcefully, and Jess lets out a cry that is a mix of pleasure and shock, because it's been a while for her (to say the least) and Nick's not a small guy.
"You ok?", he asks, and he really doesn't need to hear the answer when her legs tighten against his waist and she pulls him deeper, her hands curled around the neck of the black button down that he's still wearing.
"Nick, fuck, Nick", she breathes out, his dick twitching inside her. He feels so much fuller than anyone ever before, and when he rolls his hips and slams into her she lets out a cry and closes her lips over the pulse point in his neck.
She's so, so incredibly wet, and Nick is going out of his mind with how good this feels, and the world could start collapsing around them but he wouldn't stop thrusting into her. His chest is pressed against her boobs and so he feels it when her own hand starts fondling the right one.
He moans because fuck, he wants to touch her too, but he has to settle for lowering his head to where her hand is currently and so very kindly pushing her dress down to expose her naked boobs to his lips. He tongues at her nipple, and then moves to lick at the other one while she moans above him and tries to keep her head from rolling back against the wall.
She's sort of sobbing his name now, and did he just hear an oh, golly too? But it doesn't matter, because she's coming, she's coming hard and she's pulling at his hair while she clenches around him.
"Fuck", he chokes out, because that was so hot and she's still panting his name and he can't stop staring at her. She grins at him before she leans forward and starts sucking on his earlobe, so his hands grip her ass harder and he feels her boobs rubbing against his chest. Then he kind of grunts out her name, bites down mean on her shoulder and spills himself inside her.
"Oh my God, Jess", he says.
"JEEEESSSSSSS!", Schmidt yells, and wow, he might be the drunkest one tonight. He eyes her up and down and grins widely. "Who took you so long?"
"Just… eeewwww Schmidt, is that puke on your shirt?"
"Escusezzzh muuuaghh, Jessica", he babbles, and points his finger at her. "But at least me isn't letting myVagisland be conquered in this classless lieu."
"Wait, what?", she asks, because what?
"You can't t fool me, pixie lady", he says, and taps her nose. "Now let me go find my Conquistabro".
The second time it happens they're home alone, because Winston has a night shift and Schmidt just left to go… somewhere that isn't the loft.
She's on her knees with her lips wrapped around him the second the front door closes, her hands around his thighs to steady herself. She's starting to get rug burn on her knees, but it's all worth it because he's making this strangled noises and grabbing messily at her hair, and he's really, really trying not to thrust forward and into her mouth. But then she starts sucking harder and his hips buckle, and he just only manages to pant out a warning before he lets out a moan and comes.
She stands up and gives him a sweet smile, and he grabs the back of her head and kisses his own taste off her lips. When he opens his eyes she's gone from his room, and he throws himself down on his bed and passes out.
The next morning at breakfast, Schmidt only glares nastily at them twice.
The third time starts with an argument. Over ponies. Like Nick is an adult, educated man but he legit refuses to admit that ponies are real. And obviously Jess takes her ponies so seriously it's not even funny and how dare he say that to me?
"Oh my God, you're so infuriating", Nick grunts, his hands sliding under her dress to cup her ass.
He lifts her up on the counter and drops to his knees, yanking her to the edge of the counter and dragging her underwear off. He rolls her skirt up to her waist and holds her hips still with his hands, and she struggles against his grip because her heart is thumping loudly in anticipation. She leans back and grips the cold surface to anchor herself, and looks down at his head between her legs.
"You're infuriating", she retorts, and she's about to yell at him again but her growl turns into a moan when he sticks two fingers inside her and his tongue licks up into her. He lets her ride his lips and she feels his smile and oh hell, no. She's not done with the argument, so she plants her foot on his shoulder and pushes him away, and pulls his body to her. Her hands quickly unsnap his pants and he drops them to the floor along with his boxers.
Then he's pressing inside her, and she is struggling to keep her eyes open and her moans under control.
"Real", she pants on his ear then, and holy fuck, her voice is all throaty and raspy and he grunts against her collarbone. "They're real", she says, and only this girl would keep arguing about ponies during sex. But she also feels warm and tight and wonderful and really, really he doesn't care about anything in the world but her right now.
"Whatever you say, Jess", he finally says, and there's a tiny voice in his head that yells at him for that, but he shuts it up by thrusting harder against her.
She rewards him by lifting her leg up, up until she hooks it over his shoulder, and he looks down at her and sucks in a breath because now he can drive all the way into her. He grasps her leg and holds it there, pushing into her and he's nailing this spot inside her that makes her eyes roll back into her head.
"Holy shit, whatever you say", he repeats. He lowers his hand to her center and strokes her, and she shouts out his name and comes. He follows soon after and they have to take a moment to remember how to breathe again.
They're straightening their clothes when Schmidt walks through the front door and shrieks loudly at the sight of them. Nick almost trips over his jeans and Jess has never pulled her panties (up) so quickly.
Schmidt yells at them and then makes them disinfect and deep clean all the kitchen counters, all while lecturing them on Why Their Communal Kitchen Is Not To Be Used For Their Nasty Businesses.
Then he threatens to sabotage his condoms and swallow her birth control again because he doesn't want to have to bleach his eyes out, thank you very much.
Nick looks at Jess and smiles. They don't regret it.
"LOFT MEETING. NOW!"
The fourth time it happens is on the couch, and it's kind of Jess' fault that Schmidt finds out. Like really, it shouldn't be that hard. Take off your underwear, have sex, put your underwear back on.
He wouldn't have found out if it wasn't for Cleaning Saturday and him being super serious about vacuuming the couch. When he finds her panties there's no point in arguing with him because last Saturday was Cleaning Saturday too and the couch was vacuumed and these panties weren't there, Jessica.
Schmidt's right, because her underwear were left there last Thursday night, when her and Nick were supposed to be watching a movie but ended up doing each other. They were 20 minutes into the movie when Jess straddled his body, his hands pulling down the straps of her dress and then moving to help her discard The Panties and lower his sweatpants.
Not a minute later and she lowered herself onto him, her hands curling over the back of the couch to help her movements. Nick just tilted his hips and let her set the rhythm, his lips alternating between sucking and licking at her neck and boobs while his hands gripped her butt. It didn't take long before Jess let out a load moan and came, and he held her shaking body in his arms.
He jerked his hips up and slammed her down on him one last time before he too let go with a groan of her name.
It was then, somewhere in between their post-orgasmic haze and the sound of the elevator door opening, (and the 0.5 seconds it took for them to get redressed and pretend to be fully invested in the movie), that Jess checked her boobs were fully tucked back into her dress but somehow forgot to check The Panties were back on.
As it happens.
And that is why Nick and Jess are currently sitting on the opposite ends of said couch, Winston sitting awkwardly between them while Schmidt glares at them from his standing position.
"So", he begins, "Ladies and gentlemen, Nick…"
He gets an eye roll from Jess and Winston and a grunt from Nick.
"I think we all know why we are here", he says, "So who wants to begin?"
"Look, Schmidt", Jess says, and of course she'sthe first one to speak. "I already apologized, ok? Is this really necessary?"
"Of course it is necessary", he replies, and she just shakes her head and rolls her eyes again.
"Don't pretend you have never done it before", Nick jumps in. "I know Cece and you have done it too. I've heard it."
"You dumb boy", he clucks his tongue. "I'm not talking about the couch. Or the kitchen. Or the shower", he spits out, and oh, yeah, maybe somewhere between the third and the fourth time there was another time when Jess was showering and Nick just had to shower too and they ended up screwing under the water stream. "Or any Lord-knows-where-surface you might have fornicated on!", Schmidt finishes, pulling them both out of their memories.
"Then what, Schmidt? This is ridiculous!", Jess says, and Nick nods his head vehemently. "I don't even know what you're talking about then!"
"I, Miss Day, am talking about feelings. F-E-E-L-I-N-G-S!", he says, which makes Jess immediately shut her mouth closed and Nick contort his face into a horrified expression. "What is going on between you two?"
"And I'm out", Winston says, and ignores Schmidt's indignant puff at him. He stands up and cast a compassionate glance towards Nick and Jess. "You two gotta figure this out", he states, pointing his finger at them. "But ain't Winnie gonna get caught in the middle of it", he shrugs and walks to the front door, slamming it closed behind him.
"Looks like it's just Papa Schmidt then", he says, hands on his hips. He glares at them and arches his eyebrow. "What is going on?", he repeats. "What are you two? Are you, like, friends with benefits? Are you getting back together? Are you back together already?"
Jess is the one standing up now. "This is none of your business, Schmidt", she argues.
"Yeah", Nick says, and he stands up too. "Stay out of it, man".
"Stay out of it?", Schmidt screeches, "How very dare you? I am just trying to help!"
"Help?", Nick snorts. "You're just being nosy, as usual."
"You giant, ungrateful pagan person ", he starts. "Fine. Do whatever you want. But when, and notice I said when, the ships sinks… Don't come asking me for help!", he yells dramatically, his nostrils flaring in anger before he disappears behind his bedroom door.
The apartment is quiet for a few seconds and then Nick turns to Jess.
"He is right, though", he says.
"I know", she tells him.
The thing is, they both know Schmidt is right. The other thing is, even though they don't know what they are, they just can't. Keep. Their. Hands. Off. Each. Other.
They're being extra careful because they really don't want to have to deal with Schmidt (a.k.a the Very Real Questions He Brought Up) and so they try to avoid being caught in any situation that might be even remotely sexual.
But it's been two weeks since Loft Meeting when they realize they have not spent even one night apart. Right after Schmidt's attempt at having The Meeting, and just to prove their point, Nick went straight into Jess' room and they had the loudest sex ever just to piss off their roommate. Then he just sort of fell asleep there, his head on her chest, and was woken up when she decided that she wasn't done with him yet. The slamming of the front door had them both bursting into laughter, but also not stopping their movements against each other.
The following night it was Jess slipping into his bedroom well past midnight, dropping her robe to the floor and sliding under the covers with him. He turned around to face her, still half asleep but more than ready for her. But she surprised him by merely burying her head in the crook of his neck and slipping her leg between his, hugging his body close because it's been one hell of a day and she just wanted to get some sleep. He doesn't complain, but draws her body closer and falls asleep again.
And in the morning, he wakes her up like he used to, pressing kisses to her neck and cheeks until her eyes fly open and she brings her lips to his. That morning, for the first time in years, their sex resembles making love way more than either of them expected.
They both seemed to adapt too easily and pleasantly to their new routine, which also raised one (very) Big Problem.
They don't talk about any of it.
Until they do.
They do talk about it.
The timing is probably not perfect, because Nick's brain tends to not work properly when Jess is panting above him because she's sliding up and down his dick.
"Schmidt is right", she says, and she gets a shocked/disgusted/horrified look from Nick that is almost comical.
"What, why…" he stutters, and it's hard for him to form a coherent sentence when she's still riding him. "Why would you bring him up? Now?"
"Us…", she starts, "we need to talk about us", she says, and slows down the movement of her hips.
"Jess", he spits out. "Seriously, now?", he asks, and tightens the grip on her hips to try and get her to keep moving. But she just shakes her head and stares down at him.
"Yes. Now", she says, her hands planted firmly on his chest. She's completely still by now and Nick wants to either cry or strangle her.
But he just sighs and drops his hands from her body, pushing himself up to a sitting position and purposely sucking hard on her nipple because you know, it's right there on his face and it would be rude to ignore it.
She gasps and pulls his head back to stare at her, and he's totally still inside her and they're totally having The Conversation now. She clasps her hands around his neck and lets out a nervous laugh, because well, maybe she didn't think this through?
"I don't want to stop doing this", he bluntly says. "And I don't mean just this", he clarifies, pressing up and into her and forcing a moan out of her throat. "I mean all of it, Jess."
And ok, this might be a first, because Nick's the one speaking up and Jess is the one staring at him, wide eyed and speechless.
"And I still want to live by a lake", he tells her, but when she looks down into his eyes she can see a glint of teasing. She smiles at him and leans down to press a soft kiss to his lips.
"And I'm still not naming my kid Reginald VelJohnson", she says then, and he lets out a loud chuckle that sends them both into a fit of laughter.
"Good", he says then, and she pushes on his chest until he's laying back down. He shifts his hands down her back and settles them at her hips, and then starts thrusting back up into her.
"Oh, fuck", she breathes out, and plants her hands flat on his chest to match his firm strokes. And it's crazy his reaction to her swearing because she almost never does it and it's always been such a turn on for him when he can get her to curse.
"Oh my God, Nick", she pants, because he's hitting the spot inside of her that makes her cry out his name and clench around him.
She weakly rests her elbows on each side of his neck, caging his face while grabbing at the sheet, and lets him drive up harder into her. A few more thrusts and he buries his face in her breast, stifling a moan as his body trembles and he releases into her.
They lay still for a few moments, and just when Jess think she can breathe again, she feels him pressing a kiss to her forehead. She closes her eyes against his neck and hugs him close.
"So", he smiles, "how about Gilbert VelJohnson?"
Schmidt claims ownership over their first and second born.
Nick smacks the back of his head.
Jess bakes him cupcakes.
Two years later Jess gives birth to her and Nick's first child, and Schmidt kind of forgives them when they give the baby an offensively normal name.