Fandom: Gundam Wing
Pairing: 2x1/1x2
Warnings: yaoi, dark (really dark!!), sap, a little blood, a little gore, eventual stupid symbolism and ... well tons of death ...
Oh and maybe some spoilers for the series, but nothing really big.
I think that´s about it but if I forgot to mention something, tell me.
Disclaimer: I don´t own Gundam Wing and I don´t own the lyrics of Touch like Angel of Death. (They belongs to "Children of Bodom" by the way.) I own nothing. I´m poor. I don´t even own the computer I´m currently typing at. So don´t sue, please!
The bad thing: This story is weird, really weird and maybe highly disturbing if you´re a very sensitive person!! Feel warned! (This thing is not rated R for nothing!)
The good thing: This fic is betaed!! Yup! Thanks to Izora Jade Issac! *luv and glomps*
Summary: Duo is the God of death and Heero is a little suicidal ...
Touch like Angel of Death
Everyone is afraid of death.
Everyone but Heero Yuy.
I don´t want to claim I fell in love with you the instant I laid my eyes on you. No way!
You were just the bad guy trying too shoot the princess and I was busy saving the damsel in distress. After all, it was not her time to die yet.
My interest in you arosed the moment as I shot you – twice! – and you, crazy guy, looked me straight in the eyes and you didn´t even flinch.
And for a second I stared right into the most extraordinary eyes I had ever seen.
Not only relating to the fact that your eyes had the bluest shade of blue I had ever seen.
They were deep and burning and dangerous. There was a flicker inside of them, telling me that everyone who had ever seen those eyes had died a slow and painful death and I would be no exception. And ... they told me you were not afraid of death.
And I mean it exactly the way I said it. You. Were. Not. Afraid. Of. Death.
Not afraid ... of me? There was something in your eyes that seemed to ... laugh at me, deriding me. As if you knew who I was. But you didn´t fear me.
I was paralyzed.
And that´s not something what happens every day. But you really got to me. I was paralyzed and ... and I was angry. Annoyed. Offended. I don´t know. Stupid, ne? The whole night I racked my brains out about you and still couldn´t believe that my assumption was in fact correct. It couldn´t be! You HAD to fear death! You simply had to! Everybody does! It´s inhuman not to do so!
I wouldn´t say, that you were not afraid of anything. Even the perfect soldier has his fears. You feared to screw up, to fail your missions, or to show your emotions and act like a human being. You feared so many stupid things, but astonishingly you didn´t fear death.
You didn´t fear me.
So maybe it was only my curiosity that led me to the hospital the day after. I had to convince myself that ...
I didn´t know myself what I really wanted. But I felt the deep and burning urge to see you.
So I went and kinda rescued you. And what was the next then you did? You jumped without hesitation from the thirtieth floor of the building! And kinda "forgot" to release your parachute. Am I beginning to sound sarcastic now? So sue me.
In retrospect, I think, this was the very moment were everything begun. As we were jumping down this building together and were ... falling ... and falling ...
Something happened in the very moment that changed everything. Something dangerous ...
Or to put it in simpler terms: You fell and I fell for you.
There was just something that made me feel drawn to you and so we raced towards each other with the speed and force of coliding meteors and neither you nor me was able to stop it.
a glance to my eyes deep within reveals
this worn-out warriors mind
i´m killing you by suffering
discomposure of a deepest kind
We became something like partners, or even friends, after that encounter and after we detected, that we fought on the same side in this war.
I saved your ass so many times, I stopped counting somewhere along the way. Saved by the god of death – funny, isn´t it? But not entirely correct. Duo saved you, not Shinigami. When death takes over me, I loose control. I can do anything nut watch who´s life he´ll take this time.
Split-personality? Hell, you have no clue!
And nevertheless ... there was something strange going on between you and death. You didn´t fear it, didn´t seem to mind it - but there was more ...
I couldn´t quiet figure it out then. But something was nagging at the back of my mind whenever I watched you hang on the verge of dieing again ...
You were such a strange guy. So strong. Invinceble. And so completely utterly lonesome that it sometimes hurted to look at you. But most of all you were simply ...
... lost.
You were somewhere lost in the dark where no human being ever could reach you. I think all that you ever wanted and longed for was someone – something! - that could find you in the dark and reach for you ... ironic, that there was only one thing that could break through the shell and touch you.
No wonder that you felt so drawn towards me.
Stupid as I am, I went on to claim, that it was curiosity that made me feel drawn to you. Curiosity, nothing more.
(Memo to self: smack your head! Hard!)
Until this one night ... when I went out for someone's life. I set out as strong, almighty Shinigami and I came back as little, broken Duo Maxwell. That night changed everything.
Moonlight shone in our room as I came back. We shared one for the time being which we spent in one of Quatre's safe-houses waiting for the next missions. And your silent firgure was completely basked in moonlight. It was a peaceful and utterly beautiful scene.
But I had no sense for the stunning view as I stumbled inside. I felt worn-out and dirty, even if there was no blood on my hands. Not visible, at least. I felt like crying. Death, always death.
It seemed to be my everlasting curse.
Usually I fell in my bed like a dead man, pulled the blanket over my head and shut my eyes. Eventually I would sleep until the nightmares came. But not this time.
"Duo."
I whirled around startled.
Never before I had realized the way you said my name. Nobody had ever said my name this way.
You sat on your bed an stared at me with this unnerving piercing blue eyes. Maybe it was just my imagination. Or maybe it was the honey-moonlight playing tricks on me. But you had a strange expression on your face ... somewhere between awake and dream ... asking and knowing ... sadness and longing ...
I stared back, completely frozen. You´ve never before seen me after ... one of those nights.
You looked at me intensely and I flinched under your glare. That look ... You´ll see ... I know it ... you must see ... the real me ...
All the pain ... and the suffering ... the danger ... DEATH ...
"Duo."
Again my name.
And for the first time ever I understood the intonation of your voice when you say my name. I saw you falling again, free falling from that building without releasing the parachute. Falling into death.
I fell for you and you ... you fell for death ...
You didn´t fear death. But that´s not the entire truth, right? You let yourself fall into it with your arms wide open.
I should´ve seen it earlier, right? Am I really that dense, that I never before realized ...
... what a dangerously affectionate relationship Heero Yuy had with death?
I didn´t. I should have.
It didn´t matter right now.
I needed you. Needed you so much, like I never needed something before. I, Duo Maxwell needed you.
You were the one person who could see me – the real me – and didn´t fear me.
We were both so lost in the dark. Death was the only thing that could reach you ... so maybe you were the one thing that would be able to reach me ...
I hated you. I needed you.
And you had an affair with death.
It was forbidden. It was dangerous.
It didn´t matter.
I fell to my knees in front of your bed. You came to me, with your arms wide open. Wide open to embrace death.
in the night i crave to feel your breath
and touch like angel of death
in the dawn i´m in chains of bestial rage
and forced to make you dead
You made me forget everything. World and death and god and myself. Everything just stopped and ceased to exist. Everything around us exploded and vanished, leaving nothing behind but you and me.
Pieces of a shattered world dropped down everywhere and we loved each other, right there in the middle of it all, covered in honey-colored moonlight.
Our heartbeat was the clockwork of the universe. There was no eternity anymore ... just this second in time.
It was the perfect sin.
the chains get tighter around my throat
i can give you no love only dead-lift of pain
My little blue-eyed suicide boy.
I fell for you, so deeply and completely, I didn´t even try to stop the impact of my fall.
Nothing would´ve been able to save me. Or you for the matter. But I was to blind to see it.
I needed you. You were the one thing that could keep me sane, when I was on the verge of losing it.
And still ... I knew ...
I knew the whole time that you didn´t fuck me. Not ... me. It was death.
It should´ve killed you.
Strange that it didn´t. But after all – the great Heero Yuy is stronger than that, right?
I still don´t know why I even bothered, but I tried everything to save you, I really did. One time I nearly lost you as you, crazy idiot, self-destructed your gundam. And kinda "forgot" to jump out before you pushed the button.
Sarcastic again, are we?
But boy, you really had an unhealthy kind of fascination with your own death.
Somewhere along the way I really started hating that little attitude of yours.
I didn´t want it to be me to fulfill your craving ...
You made love every time you was on the verge of dieing again. I saw it - when you were, again, just seconds before bleeding to death or some bullets ripping through your flesh or you were in an exploding mobil suit ...
I saw it every time, those bony fingers, reaching for you, touching you and your complete devotion and sinking in this passionate embrace ...
What bitter-sweet irony that you survived through all this.
We didn´t see each other after the "incident" in Quatres safe-house.
Luck or the lack of it - I can only guess. Much later I was really amazed as I saw you again and you were still alive. I never got to know how you made it so long.
I thought I could permit it ... somehow ... but it was already too late ... much too late ...
I craved for you. You craved for death. How could we ever avoid each other? So it came like it had to be. We stayed again in a safehouse together, only this time in seperate rooms.
It wasn´t my fault. It was you who came to me this night.
Like a dead-man you stumbled in my room after a mission, searching for something I wasn´t able or willing to give you.
"Duo."
Again my name.
Why do you always had to say my name this way? With such longing and desperation. Liar! It wasn´t me! It was never me. You only longed for death. I was angry and turned around, nearly shouting at you to leave me alone ...
"Heero! God – what happened? You´re hurt!"
You were covered in blood. I jumped from my bed, reacting faster than any time before in my life. You stopped me dead in my tracks with a slight shake of your head.
"Doesn´t matter ... "
"But ...! "
"It doesn´t matter."
This time you spoke with a deadly determination.
"Duo ... "
And again my name.
I could never resist the way you say my name ...
in the dusk of evening i tuck you up with feather
forever i´ll stand by your side
Didn´t you see it was forbidden what we did?
It sealed our fate, yours and mine. But that was what you wanted, didn´t you?
So be it ...
in the twilight of night i´m laughing
while cutting you hundred and thirteen times
We nearly jumped each other the very second you said my name.
Oh God! I groaned like an animal as you bit me in my throat, pushing me hard to the ground. You were like air to me ... like I could breath again, after an eternity of suffocating ...
Everything was slippery from blood as you fucked me this time. Yours? Mine? Your victims? I don´t remember. It was too much. Too much blood.
What happened to the honey we had been basked in the first time?
We were covered in crimson. Sticky, warm crimson - so warm it almost felt alive on my skin.
I saw the bony fingers again, touching your porcellain skin under the blood, holding you, stroking you. So many hands on your skin. At one point I couldn´t decide anymore which fingers were mine and which were not. But I didn´t let them take you. You were mine. And only mine.
I held your heart in my hands this night, your bloody, beating heart, while you screamed. My name. Always my name.
And I thought I was in control.
Boy, was I wrong.
You were my solution and my destiny. I couldn´t stop you. I couldn´t permit you to get what you wanted from me. You wanted everything.
My beautiful blasphemic sinner.
You disappeared completely after this night.
For months I did nothing else than to fight and kill and try to forget you. I killed as Soldier by day and as Shinigami by night. No rest. No break. No solution.
And while I was busy taking others lifes away it was slowly stealing my soul.
´Duo.´
The faint echo of your voice was haunting me in my dreams.
You had vanished after we had won the final battle and nobody knew where you had gone or if you were still alive. You simply vanished into thin air as if you had never existed at all.
As if you had been only my imagination. A feverish dream.
Maybe you were ...
But then ... why can I still feel your burning touch and your hot breath on my skin?
What a mystery that it couldn´t kill you. It seemed as if I were unable to harm you in any way. You was the one – the one person, who didn´t fear death.
Lover of death. I was always a slave to this voice.
´Duo.´
It was long after the war was over that I finally should hear that voice again.
The years after you vanished ... I did nothing at all. I just ... existed. I floated through the universe ... through the time ... Eventually I met people ... killed people ... but I don´t remember ...
I don´t remember the faces anymore ... the faces of my victims. I can´t see them anymore ... can´t hear their voices ...
What did you do to me?
I didn´t search for you. I couldn´t.
But I was sure that you would always find me ...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I´m standing on a cliff now, watching the raging black ocean eighty feet below and waiting for my destiny.
A storm is coming, judging from the dark sky and the waves thundering against the rocks. The storms on L7 are legendary. Legendary and notorious, because they´re so dangerous. Every year again the storm costs a few hundred people their life.
Nobody is outside besides me. They´re all afraid.
Afraid of death.
It should be an incentive for you to come, right? We´re completely surrounded by death here.
Why did I came in the first place? I really don´t remember. But I wait. I waited since the early morning, not daring to move or turn around.
The sky is getting darker.
Something wet hits my face. It started raining. I stare down again, watching the waves thrusting themselves violently against the cliffs.
There´s not single soul outside anymore. Humans are so fragil, so delicate and weak. They would probably be blown away by the current wind force. Lightening flashes across the sky, cutting through the darkness like a knife through flesh.
Your flesh was beautiful. Even beneath all the blood your were constanly stained with. I dream of your skin sometimes ... your touch ... your blood ...
A violent gust tugs at my hair and finally opens my braid. I let it happen, allowing my chestnut locks to flow around me. You seemed to like my hair. You always clenched it and screamed while you came.
Rain drops pour over my skin.
I only stood here since this morning, but I feel like I´ve been waiting for an eternity now. I´m so tired. But still ... there´s a burning inside of me ... a hunger ... I can´t go away. I have to wait. There´s a voice inside my head, screaming at me to run away, to escape. But I have no desire to escape at all.
The wind is getting worse.
And still I wait.
Maybe you're dead already? Did you finally find what you longed for? Did I kill you without knowing?
Maybe I´ll wait here to the end of time and never get to see you again.
Lightening in the dark again. I count the time until the thunder comes. 21, 22, 2- ... I suppose the thunderstorm is getting closer. Soon I´ll be right in the middle of it. The waves, the cliffs, the dark and the lightening – I´m fascinated. How can something so utterly beautiful be so deadly at the same time ...
"Duo."
And the world stops turning.
I can hear your voice even through the thunder and the storm and the raging ocean.
Tears start forming in my eyes.
I turn around slowly, just to find myself staring in the most amazing pair of blue eyes I have ever seen. A fuckin´ familiar pair of blue eyes. The beautiful, dangerous enigma called Heero Yuy is back. And he stands right in front of me. I nearly laugh.
Of course you are not dead. How could Heero Yuy ever die? You fuckin´ fucked with death and survived it!
And God, are you beautiful.
I feel my breath been taken away and get the familiar feeling that I always got when you said my name this way.
I am on the verge of falling. Again.
It´s a frightening thought how close love is to hate. Something exploded between us in the very moment we looked into each others eyes.
Like we were chemicals, too dangerous to mix.
This time I will finally give you what you longed for so long now ...
We´re in the center of the storm now.
can´t you see i´m evil, doubled-edged razor
child of eternal hate
to tornement you like a mother-fuckin-whore
i´ll make you cry forever more
I don´t feel the stoney edges cutting my flesh as I hit the ground, pressed down by your trembling body.
Your eyes flash dangerously in the dark, as I turn around and hurl you down.
Forget it boy. I don´t play your game anymore. Not this time.
Ah, don´t try to look like a prey, while I shred your clothes, my sweet little sin. You´ll always be a hunter, not the prey. You´re the one. The one who doesn´t fear death.
Listen, I´ll rip out your very soul without even blinking and tear it into peaces.
We fight like animals, tossing and turning around on the muddy ground, ignoring the biting wind and the rain.
Hunger ... the burning hunger ... I craved for you so long ... you´re mine ... mine ... mine!
With a growl you pounce on me and our lips clash together with the force of two crashing trains in the middle of a roaring thunder.
Your skin ... your flesh ... your breath ..
my poison ...
You´re sucking at me, biting like a wildcat. Wherever your mouth touches me, it leaves trails of blood.
Fuck me .... thrill me ... kiss me ... kill me ....
Rain soaks us to the bones, mingling with the blood and pours down our bare skins.
You are all over me, under me, inside of me - everywhere and everything. You are me and I am you. It doesn´t matter anymore.
You´re a knife ... a razor-blade ... going through me ... through everything
Heartbeat. I can feel your heartbeat under your burning skin. I tremble. It´s so ... warm, so living ... so beautiful ...
I held your heart once in my hand ... your bloody, beating heart ... not enough ... .
I force my way into your body and with every thrust I come a little bit closer. I´ll break through the shell and find you. I´ll always find you.
Falling ... since the first time I met you ... with my arms wide open ... embracing you ... always falling ...
Hot and tight and wet ... I´m everywhere inside of you, touching you, tasting you, absorbing you ...
You throw your head back and scream.
Your scream is louder than the storm ... is cutting through the night ... is cutting through my flesh ...
my name ... always my name ...
I want you. I want you whole, body and soul, everything that you were, are and would be. I want to hear you screaming my name and mean it.
i´d crawl through broken glass to you
and your name is written in my very flesh
with the knife i´m still longing to use
When did the storm let up? I don´t remember. It´s so calm now.
Is it possible that I fucked you the whole night through?
It´s somewhere before morning, I think. The sun hasn´t risen yet, but the sky is a lighter shade of blue than your eyes.
Beautiful ...
With every violent thrust, I feel some peace of my mind coming back. I stare in your eyes, unable to look away, and you stare right back. Your eyes are so blue, so damn blue and so endless, deep and wide. Your eyes are my infinity.
We´re laying right next to the edge of the cliff. Three millimeters more and ... nothing. Eighty feet of nothing right beside of us.
We are surrounded by nothingness, because nothing else matters anymore. Only you.
It was always you.
Everything is in slow-motion. Your thrusts are hard and painful, but your eyes are soft and warm.
´So lonely ... ´ says your eyes. ´So desperate ... needed you so ... always ... ´
Talk to me. Tell me. Everything.
Make me understand.
´I need you.´ It´s my thought, but it is you who says it.
And than ... you open your mouth and say it ...
"Duo."
My name.
I never thought one word would be able to make me cry.
I see your eyes and finally I understand. My name ...
It was me. The whole time ... it was me. Always me. Only me.
You wanted me all the nights you came into my room. What you searched for and longed for, what you needed ... it was me.
You made me human every time we made love.
And I cried.
I cry and you continue holding me, stroking me, making love to me.
Sun is rising and warm threads of red and gold touch the pale clear sky, touching your face and make you seem unreal and fragil like glass. Like you would vanish when I let go of you.
And I know you will. You always do. When I let go, I´ll loose you ... like all the times before.
"Heero."
And for the first time ever, it´s me who says your name.
Once upon a time ... there were two guys jumping together from a thirty-storied building. That´s where everything begun, right? You and me ... falling together ...
That´s the way it was meant to be from the beginning on. That´s the way it should be.
I embrace you, holding you close and your head is resting on my shoulder. The only thing I can feel is your heartbeat over my own.
I hear you whisper something, so soft it´s almost inaudible.
"Don´t let got."
Just this. Three little words.
And I answer:
"Never."
I turn around very slowly, still holding you.
For a second there´s nothing. Everything stands still. Slow-motion. I stare into your eyes and you stare right back.
And than ...
... I fall.
^Fin^
Authors note: Okay, I know this was weird (maybe I´m a weird person) and it probably sucks, but if you liked it just one tiny little bit ... drop me a note, please! I´m starving for feedback.