A/N this is the much better companion piece to a rose by any other name. Please read that first, even if it's just to make this one make sense. Rosewolf
Disclaimer: not mine
Rebecca.
The day I shouted at Lily Evans was the worst day of my life.
For years I had wanted to scream and shout, curse and pull my hair, do anything to make them see what I could. I was so frustrated at them all for refusing to see. And, when I finally released the smallest amount of that frustration, I was the worst mistake I have ever made.
It was the beginning of the end for me, even though I didn't find out until a day or so later…
I imagined it had always loved him, even if I only realised it in the fourth year, a few months before he started asking Lily Evans out. We had been friends before. Lily had never liked it, but always put up with him. After he began to pay more attention to her, however, she began to hat him. He would ask her out every time he saw her, and she would always refuse. She began to avoid him and, of course, whatever Lily Evans did, we all had to do. She called him arrogant, vain and self obsessed. I knew he wasn't. You were only arrogant if you had nothing to be proud about. He did. He was perfect. I knew that.
I would talk to him when I could, in Herbology, or charms, where I wouldn't be scowled at by Lily. I questioned him about why he kept asking her out. I saw the pain her name caused him, the taught muscles of his throat, the tightening of his jaw. I saw this, as he gave the same answer again and again, and my mind cried out in anguish.
'She's not good enough for you!' I wanted to scream. 'You're perfect. I'm perfect. I'm perfect for you!' but I didn't. I never did.
Instead, I enjoyed the pain Lily's name caused him. I enjoyed it because I knew I wasn't causing it: Lily was. I Knew, one day, he would realise that, see how much pain she was causing him. He would give up, and come to me. But he didn't.
He carried on asking Lily Evans out until the beginning of our seventh year. Then he changed. He became Head Boy and stopped doing his ingenious, marvellous, fantastic pranks. He stopped laughing, stopped smiling. He was miserable, I could tell. He changed, everyone knew. Well, nearly everyone. He had changed for Lily and she hadn't even notice. I hated them more than ever.
He started tutoring first years. Made excuses that he was meeting a beautiful woman. He didn't brag about tutoring, he wasn't like that. Lily hated it. She scowled every time he left. She should have been happy that he was paying attention to someone else, but she wasn't.
The last time this happened, we dragged Lily into the girl's bathroom to discuss her relationship with him and their feelings for each other. We told her he'd changed but she refused to see it. We expounded his qualities and obvious affection for her. I kept quiet on this. I could not let them know how I felt for him; I would be completely ostracised if they found out. And I did not want Lily to fall for his charm. I wanted him to love me instead, to be devoted to me. Then I wanted her to realise what she had missed, to love him as I have done, to suffer as I have done. But I couldn't keep quiet for long. She called him 'arrogant' and 'attention seeking' when I knew he wasn't. it was then that I made my mistake.
'Oh, why don't you get off your high horse and mingle with us mortals for once!' I spat, my voice dripping with scorn and derision. I shouted at Lily Evans, releasing the pent up fury and hate of three years. 'You call him arrogant? Well look in the mirror!'
The look of surprise and pain on Lily's face was a pure gift. She ran out of the bathroom, tears welling up in those green eyes I hated so much. I turned to meet the others, face down their displeasure. They argued with me, asking how I could have done such a thing. I refused to back down, parried every blow with enjoyment, relish and distain for them. They left in the end. They didn't understand. But that didn't matter. I was in love; and superior to them. They didn't matter.
I returned to my dormitory alone. I didn't want to stay up for Lily's return and endure her hateful stares. Finally, I fell asleep.
A palpable tension pervaded the Gryffindor common room the next day. Few knew exactly what had passed between the other seventh years and myself, but the dirty looks they threw in my direction left little doubt.
A persistent, autumn fog had gathered over night and now clothed the castle and grounds in a muffling blanket, causing everyone to stay in the warmth by the fire, where the conversation rarely grew above a whisper.
The weekend ended without my room-mate saying a single word to me. I didn't mind. They were nothing to me. I only cared about him.
Monday came, and I sat apart from everyone. Alone. I could hear them muttering but I ignored them. I ignored the Great Hall. I even ignored my breakfast spread out before me. Every part of me was concentrating on him, where he sat with his group of friends, half way down the Gryffindor table. Until Lily Evans entered.
I scowled at her as she passed, not even registering my presence. If looks could kill, she would have died years ago. But they couldn't and I had to settle for hating her with every fibre of my being.
She crossed the hall and sat down beside him. She put her arm around him. She kissed him.
The bottom dropped out of my heart.
I hate them.
I wasn't the only one who was shocked. Half the Hall were staring, mouths agape, but the couple didn't even notice.
I hate them.
I left the Great Hall then. I couldn't stay behind and watch the man I devoted my life to happy with the woman I loathed.
I hate them!
I found out later that he had found Lily Evans upset in one of the out-of-the-way corridor after she had had an argument with one of her friends. He had comforted her and, after seeing how caring he could be, she had agreed to go out with him.
I could not believe it.
It was my fault they were together. After all the things I had done to keep them apart. After all the things I'd tried to get him to love me instead. And, in the end, it was my intervention, my rash behaviour, which ended all my hopes. I hated myself for being so stupid, but I hated them more.
Over the weeks I tried everything to break them up, to make him come to me. Rumours, lies, false accusations. I even paid a sixth year to kiss Lily in front of her boyfriend. Nothing. None of it worked. They were inseparable, and I couldn't stand it.
Finally, something within me snapped. My frozen heart finally died. I would miss classes, wander the grounds aimlessly. I no longer slept and hardly ever returned to Gryffindor Tower. The teachers didn't notice. I was nobody. A nuisance. They were better off without me.
I might not have wanted to, but my body needed sleep. I found some abandoned classroom, far from any part of the castle that was used regularly, and slept for the bare minimum to keep myself alive. I don't know why. I cried. I didn't want to. There was no point. I had never cried in the past, why start now? But some part of me, the small part left that was human, did, and I couldn't stop it.
That was how he found me. Crying. Thin. Pale. Lost. He laughed and taunted me, insulted my Gryffindor pride as his black eyes narrowed behind greasy hair as lank as my own. His lips twisted beneath his hooked nose as he smirked at everything I once was. He even insulted the man I loved, but I no longer noticed. I didn't hear him, only felt the fire in my withered gut and dead heart. Slowly I stood, and walked towards him, unbuttoning my shirt collar. I barely registered the surprise in his harsh eyes. There was only one thought in my mind. The name of my beloved.
'James.'
A/N told you it was a bit dark. For those of you who didn't work it out, the man at the end was Snape. This was written before Deathly Hallows came out but with only the tiniest amount of editing it fits in with the books. I was quite surprised at that. If you like it, review please. If you want to find out what happens to Rebecca, let me know and I'll write another chapter.
My thanks to novella07Natuliie and DeWiL who reviewed 'a rose by any other name'.