1. The Killing
It was Christmas at Light's house, and he was putting up the decorations. L helped, neatly aligning tinsel on the Christmas tree, and taking far too long about it, as if he thought if he put the tinsel on too quickly the tree would be offended. They had been steady boyfriends for nearly a year now, and Light decided not to nag L to hurry up. After all, it was their first Christmas together. However, Light's parents would be arriving to stay over in a matter of minutes, and possibly Watari as well, so the house needed to be finished.
Light finished pinning up the last of the glittery Christmas banners and started to add baubles to the tree.
"Hey – I haven't finished putting the tinsel on yet!" L protested. He had really come out of his shell over the past year. He looked positively alight.
"So? Why can't I put baubles on at the same time?"
L shrugged. "What time are you're parents coming over again?"
"Um… now."
"Oh." L still didn't hurry up. He was being so careful about something so basic and it was almost annoying. Light tried to give him a hand but L casually brushed him away.
"I can do it."
"Alright then, I'll just go sort some other stuff. But have it finished by Christmas day, won't you, or Santa won't have anywhere to put the presents and you'll have to go without." He grinned. L looked worried.
"You think so?"
Light laughed. "That was good. You actually looked like you believed in Santa!"
"But I do."
"You're kidding me."
"I am not!" L's eyes grew big.
"You're the world's best detective and you never figured out it was your parents creeping around on Christmas eve eating the mince pie and putting the presents there? Yeah, as if I'm gonna fall for that one."
"No! It wasn't my parents – I don't have any, remember?"
Light hesitated only a split second. "Watari then."
"No! It was Santa!"
He paused a long moment, trying to tell if L was teasing. L generally wasn't the teasing type. Then he shook his head and laughed, taking his deathnote from his back pocket.
"If Santa Claus is real, then I would have serious qualms about doing this…" he said, writing 'Santa Claus' in big curly letters in the deathnote before L could stop him.
"Noooooo!" He left the Christmas tree and ran across the room, snatching the pen out of Light's hand, but the deed had already been done.
"L, you are so–"
"SHUT UP! YOU JUST MURDERED SANTA CLAUS!" L punched him weakly on the shoulder.
"He isn't real!"
"You promised me never to use that thing ever, ever again!" L yelled, before bursting into tears. Light finally realised how serious L was about it and tried to hug him, but L pushed him away.
"YOU MURDERER!"
"L, I swear to you Santa isn't real. I'm surprised, actually, very surprised you never realised, but he isn't. I'm sorry."
"40 seconds…" L fell to the ground weeping. "I'm sorry Santa, I couldn't stop him," he mumbled, pulling weakly at Light's trouser leg.
"L, he isn–"
"SHUT. UP."
Light knelt beside him and tried to wipe away some of his tears with a finger. "L?"
"Go away! I'll never forgive you!" He turned and ran out of the room just as the doorbell rang. Torn, Light watched him go, and then answered the door to his parents, thinking he'd have a better chance of reasoning with L if he waited a little while for him to calm down. He lead his parents into the living room and they chatted about meaningless things. His father refused to bring up the subject of him and L, but his mother made up for it, putting in little questions about how he was and what he was up to recently. The doorbell rang again and Light answered it to Watari, who ignored him completely when he said hello and called for L. After a few moments, when L refused to show, Watari glared at Light and barged his way upstairs without invitation. Light sighed and closed the front door.
2. The Plotting
L sat in his room, wiping the last of the tears from his face. Boy had he put on a good show. He hoped nervously that no one was actually called Santa Claus in the world, but at the forefront of his mind was his superb acting. Light had totally fallen for it. Those classes he had taken with the local theatre group had really helped, though making himself cry hadn't been a particularly nice business. He wasn't entirely sure why he had done it, it had been such a spur of the moment choice. Like a sort of petty revenge against Light for something. Maybe it was because Light had tried to kill him once, and had used his affection for a long time to blind him to the fact that Light had been Kira all along. Maybe it was due to Light's lack of intimacy recently because of the preparations for Christmas, or because Light was always teasing him kindly because of his oddities but never realised how much it hurt L to hear reminders of how he was so different from most people. Either way, the look on Light's face had been legendary. L smiled. Just then there was a knock on his bedroom door. Was that Light? Wincing, he forced some more tears over his cheeks before opening the door, then quickly wiped them away again once he saw who it was.
"Watari?"
"L, what is it? I know Light has never been nice, I disapproved of this match from the start. How can you love a killer, L? I never understood, and I still don't. How long have you been putting up with this? You look terrible."
"Erm…"
"I understand. I'll take you out of here right now. Come on, you can come back to the House with me."
"No, no, I'm fine, really."
"L, you can't lie to me." Watari already had his hand and was pulling him away.
"I'm fine, really fine. Just had a sad moment, you know, bad memories…"
"Hmmm." Watari narrowed his eyes. "Are you sure?"
"Yes. I'm fine now, really. I'll even go downstairs now, if you like."
"You do what you're comfortable with. And remember you can always come back to the House and live there."
"No, my orphanage days are behind me Watari, you needn't make that offer."
Watari flinched at the world 'orphanage'. He had never liked hearing it being put that bluntly. L took advantage of his momentary pause to usher him downstairs before returning to his bedroom for further thought. Light was going to feel so guilty now, maybe he'd be a bit more loving and show L a bit more attention – he'd been ignoring him far too much lately, as if he had been there so long he was like part of the furniture, something that could be taken for granted. But he wasn't. Yes, all he had to do was stoke up a little bit of guilt. He smiled at the thought of a little TLC. What a lovely thing to have at Christmas.
3. The Regretting
It had now been a week since the Santa Claus incident, and Light was feeling acutely guilty. With only a week left to go until Christmas, he really wanted to get back onto L's good side. He had tried everything – they had gone Christmas shopping and out to expensive restaurants for meals and L was always very happy when they went out, but every evening when they returned home L would retreat back into himself, quite and unmoving, often sitting on the couch for hours on end without so much as uttering a word. It was quite unnerving, and Light's parents had begun to notice as well. It didn't make any sense. Light was worried, worried but also extremely guilty. He had taken to pinching himself very hard on the inside of his left arm when the guilt got particularly bad, as a punishment. What if he had completely ruined L's Christmas but telling him that Santa Claus didn't exist, and then 'murdering' him? He didn't want to bring up the topic, but if he didn't it might sit and brew forever, a horrible blight on their relationship.
At the moment he was driving, and after a while he pulled over outside a shop and headed inside. He needed a really expensive present, something really lovely. That would cheer him up, wouldn't it?
"Hello sir, how can I help you?"
"I'm looking for a nice necklace. Something with real diamonds, but not too expensive, I'm not that rich."
"Very good sir. Follow me, I think I have just the think." The store assistant turned and walked further into the shop, Light following close behind. Finally he paused by one of the display cases and pointed to the one he was referring to.
"Gosh… that is… beautiful." It was a simple white gold chain with a large diamond on the end of it, but the diamond was extraordinarily carved into the perfect likeness of a starfish, down to even the smallest details.
"That is stunning. How much?"
"For you, only two thousand." For you? Why did they always say that? £2000 is written on the price tag, Light thought.
"Right."
"Would you like that in a box? We have several novelty boxes to choose fro–"
"Hang on, I haven't said I'm going to buy it yet." The store assistant shifted impatiently from foot to foot. "Fine, done. I'll write the check now, shall I?"
"Very good sir."
The deed was done in half a minute. Light chose a simple black box tied with a pink ribbon and left the shop. There. How could L be displeased with that? It was expensive and beautiful.
Light felt a lot better on the drive home. This should win back some of L's favour, he thought happily, pulling into the large driveway before running up to the front door and calling through the letterbox.
"L! I'm back!" He waited for L to come and open the door, but he didn't, so Light unlocked the door and went in, closing the door behind him. "L? I have something for you!"
"Oh don't you always," snapped L from the lounge. Light walked through, surprised.
"What?"
"Always tickets for a movie, or theatre, or a dancing lesson, or horse riding along the beach…"
"You loved that horse riding!"
"Always this or that or… something," L continued, ignoring him.
"I don't get it." Light's mood dropped, and he slipped the black box into his pocket. Maybe another time he would give it to him, when he was in a better mood.
"It's just…" L stood up and his eyes pleaded with Light's. He seemed to struggle with himself, looking away, and then looking back again. Then he sighed. "It doesn't feel… so Christmas-y this year. I don't feel like it," he muttered, so sadly Light felt like crying.
"I am so sorry about the Sa–"
"Will you just stop!" L pushed him away and walked in the other direction.
"You ungrateful sod!" Light yelled suddenly before he could stop himself. "All this, and you can't even be happy for one whole day! What's your problem?" Scowling, he headed for the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee.
4. The Backfiring
This wasn't working. L sat with his knees pulled up to his chest on his bed, feeling melancholy. Sure, Light had really made an effort this week – he had taken L everywhere, and L had really enjoyed that. But it wasn't what he was after, not exactly. It wasn't quite what he had in mind when he thought of a little TLC… Light was both going overboard and not hitting the mark at the same time. He sighed, irritated. And now Light was in a bad mood, and the whole atmosphere felt claustrophobic and miserable. His plan had been a disaster – he had intended to act sad, but now he really was. Why was Light being so… argh! Didn't Light love him? Anybody could get tickets for the cinema, or book a horse ride along the beach at sunset… but it just hadn't been… close enough. Oh, he was just being stupid. A knock came on his door.
"L?" It was Light. "Sorry for yelling – I got you some coffee… with lots of sugar!"
"Um… thanks."
There was a long silence. "Light, are you still there?" L asked after a while.
"Yes."
L had nothing to say, and more minutes crawled slowly by. "Light?" he said eventually.
"Yes?"
"You're still there?"
"Yes."
There was more silence. "I'm sorry for being angry. Going out is great, really. What did you have for me?" L called apologetically after a while longer. Some indistinguishable noise came from the other side of the door.
"Pardon?"
"It doesn't matter."
"No, really, what was it?" L tried to sound as enthusiastic as possible.
"Forget it, L," came the quiet reply.
"Light?" This time there was no reply at all. A tear escaped one corner of L's eye and ran down over his cheek.
"I l-love you…" he whispered, though no one could hear him. "I l-love you L-Light."
5. The Frustration
Light was past sadness, now. His guilt had turned into anger. The inside of his left arm was covered in large purple bruises, but Light barely noticed them. L, too, seemed to be more angry than sad nowadays. Both of them seemed to be avoiding bringing things to a head, and this had evolved into a sort of avoidance pattern – when Light was upstairs, L was downstairs, and vice versa. It was depressing, and annoying. And yet Light still loved L, despite the mood he was in recently, which was, after all, his fault. He had killed Santa Claus, both metaphorically, and in L's point of view, physically. There was no Christmas spirit. The tinsel hung on the tree like a grey rag that had been crying, the teardrops catching the sunlight, when there was any. The guilt was almost overwhelming, and the anger he felt against himself was bubbling up more and more frequently.
"Damn you Light, you've ruined L's Christmas," he hissed to himself through gritted teeth, cruelly pinching his arm yet again before rolling the sleeve down.
"What was that dear?" asked his mum, who was making shepherd's pie.
"Nothing, mum."
"You and L don't seem to be talking much now. Is everything alright son?" His father chipped in, the question lacking some of its questioningness. His father had never believed in homosexual relationships, least of all Light and L's. It seemed maybe he was right, Light thought resignedly, as he helped his mum to mash potatoes.
The thing was, he had planned for this Christmas to be one of the best yet. He had had no reason up until now to doubt that this Christmas would be fantastic, and he had hoped that the moment would come where he might, well… propose. He'd been harbouring the ring for a few months now, waiting for the right opportunity, and Christmas had seemed ideal. But now Light rethought his ideas and in his new, darker mood, he wondered if he should discard that idea completely this Christmas… and maybe forever.
"Son? You're frowning like something formidable."
"Sorry dad, just thinking."
"Penny for your thoughts."
"Dad, the point of being able to think silently is that you don't have to share them."
"Ok, just asking," his father muttered.
Light sighed, one hand automatically checking his pocket, when he remembered he had taken out the special little box last night, when the same dark thoughts had plagued him about his relationship. He went back to chopping potatoes, but the absence in his pocket burned with the evil knowledge of what it was missing, and it felt as if a hole had been carved out of his hip.
The next day he woke up without even half the amount of fresh morning hope that the morning sunshine normally gave him. A fresh new day, but it felt like what it was… a day approaching the end of the year. Light yawned and stretched, and following old habit without really thinking, headed to L's room to snuggle up for a cuddle for comfort, like he used to do on other mornings when he was feeling down. He got as far as the door, his fingertips brushing the door handle… and then the door opened for him, a furious L charged straight into his chest and they tumbled together onto the floor.
"Well good morning," Light said half-heartedly.
"Yeah." L's neck was right by his nose, and he smelt lovely. They hadn't been this close in so long he'd almost forgotten that smell. But it only lasted for a split second, and then L got up, eager to get away from him, by the looks of it.
"Look, I'm sorry about the damn Santa thing!" Light yelled, too annoyed with this whole gruelling grudge match to bother putting it nicely. L didn't even answer. Light got off the floor and began to head down the stairs, but stopped when he saw L already had his trainers on, and was reaching for his coat.
"L? Where are you going?"
"For a walk," L spat, without turning around. "Problem?"
"Yes…" Light whispered, more to himself. He waited until L had gone, and then pinched himself, hard, on the inside of his arm. What if L wasn't coming back? He'd said he'd only gone for a walk, but things had been so horrid between them lately… it was about time they talked it over. Light grabbed his coat and headed after him.
When he finally got outside, L was almost out of sight, just disappearing around the corner. Light jogged quietly to catch up, his heart filling with a healthy resolution. He would apologise to L, beg, plead, anything to get their relationship back to the way it had been what seemed to long ago now.
"L!" he called, but L couldn't hear him and continued walking. He had him in his sight for ages, but then suddenly, after a few sharp turns, L vanished. Light broke into a run, looking this way and that, but couldn't see him anywhere. He began to panic, and felt his airways constricting. Where was he? And then, like a dream, there he was. Relief swept over him… but it was short lived.
"No…" Light whispered.
It was L alright, definitely L… and someone else who looked a lot like L's clone. But the fact they looked so unnaturally similar was just a fact by the wayside. They were kissing, not just a kiss on the cheek greeting, not a kiss on the forehead like for relatives… proper, passionate kissing, that made Light feel like he was intruding on a private moment. Which he was, but he had every right to be intruding.
"No way…" He couldn't be seeing this. And yet it all made sense. How L had avoided him, been in an odd mood, been unhappy even though Light had taken him out everywhere… he didn't love him. He'd gone out to meet that guy, not to go for a walk or even to storm out on Light. It was like a punch in the gut, but Light couldn't look away from the couple, had to watch even though tears made it impossible to see anything.
"L… my L…" His hand reached for his pocket, for the engagement ring box that he had put back in to his pocket last night, having felt so bad about his thoughts. Every couple went through bad patches. He almost laughed. Yeah, you could call it that – a bad patch. What was he still doing there? He threw the box absently into a puddle, and turned to leave. He'd seen enough.
6. The Realisation
L sighed as Beyond trailed kisses down his neck. This was what he had been missing this Christmas. He hadn't intended to meet up with Beyond, who had been an old friend with dodgy connections, but as soon as Beyond had seen him he felt wanted, whereas with Light he knew he was always loved, but didn't always feel wanted. Did that even make any sense?
"L, oh L…" muttered Beyond, interrupting his thoughts. "How I've missed you." His voice was husky, spoke of low self-control, danger, and playing with fire. It was also very enticing.
"Beyond, I have to go…"
"Oh no, you're not going anywhere…"
"Beyond…"
"Just call me B…"
"B…"
"L…" Beyond's arms were locked around him, holding him tight. Pinning him in…
"Beyond, let go…"
"Mmmm…"
"Beyond…"
Beyond ignored him, pushing a hand under his top.
"Beyond! No!"
"What? You lead me on and say no? You strange boy…" Beyond muttered, pushing his lips onto L's. He tasted sickly sweet, like too much jam. And then he heard someone swear, so softly amongst the background noise, but yet, the voice was so familiar… he twisted in Beyond's grip, just in time to see a small black box land in a nearby puddle, and to catch a flash of a familiar coat disappearing around a corner.
"What… no…surely not…"
"What was that L?"
"Let go Beyond."
"What?"
"LET GO!" He pushed Beyond away and ran to the puddle, grabbing the box out of it. Had that been Light? He opened the box. Inside a beautiful diamond shone amongst white gold shaped like entwined strands of ivory, impeccably detailed. An engagement ring, probably worth thousands. But… why… Light…
"No, no, no…"
"L?" Beyond sounded concerned from behind him. L straightened up and turned to face him, feeling the blood drain from his face in horror.
"What? L? You've gone white as a sheet."
No, he had been so stupid… That had been Light… and the engagement ring… it had to be for him, for L…
"NO!"
"L, for god's sake will you tell me what is going on here?" Beyond tried to get him back, to kiss him, but L wasn't interested.
"I've ruined everything!"
"You're telling me…" muttered Beyond, composing himself. "L, I'm going. I dunno what's got into you, but I thought we had something going."
"Beyond…" L whispered, watching him walk away. It occurred to him that that might be the last time he ever saw anyone who loved him, whether in a good or bad way, ever again. He blinked tears out of his eyes, clutching the box so tightly he could feel it bending under his grip. And then he did the only thing he could do. He ran, pulled like a pin to a magnet, pulled towards Light, and whatever darkness what waiting for him when he got there. He loved Light, what had he done? Had this whole thing started just because they hadn't been kissing as much recently? Was it that simple? Well it wasn't now. It was deep, deep water, and L didn't have a clue how he was going to swim.
7. The Argument
Light was waiting for him when he got there. He was pacing, shaking uncontrollably, and worse, crying uncontrollably. He knew that L would be coming back eventually, and even though he didn't know when, he knew he would wait, knew that he would be there to face the confrontation when it came, no matter how painful. And there it was, right now – the key scraping in the lock, the door opening.
"Light?" came the voice, nervous. Had he somehow known what Light had seen? All the easier.
"I'm here," he said, amazed at how much effort it cost him. Was this all because of some stupid Santa thing? Was that all it took to highlight how useless this relationship was?
"Erm…"
"What." It wasn't even a question – he already knew the answer.
"You saw… I think…"
"Yes."
"I'm… it was the worst, most stupid thing I've ever done. I don't love him, I love you, I've –"
"You don't love him? Well it didn't look like that earlier. Especially considering you didn't realise I was there until when – just as I was leaving?"
"I don't love him." L was crying too. "You've been so good to me, and I've been so stupid…"
"I killed Santa," mumbled Light, his voice breaking. "And I'm sorry. But evidently you didn't care about that as much as your lover clone." L flinched on the word 'clone'.
"He's not my lover or my clone. Light…" He held out the box he had salvaged from the puddle. It was Light's turn to flinch.
"I threw that away. I didn't want you to pick it up."
"Was this for me?"
Light cringed. "Forget it."
"Forget it?" gasped L. "But… it's an engagement ring… you must have…"
"Wanted to propose?" Light interjected angrily. "Yes, if that's what you want me to say. But hey, that's all in the trash now. Nothing I can do will make you happy… you don't love me, you love that other guy… that's why I can never make you happy." He chocked back a sob.
"No, that's not true, I was just… well Christmas has been so busy… I just wanted to spend more time with you."
"What the hell has this got to do with kissing that clone?"
"I wouldn't have… I wanted you… but you just don't… we were always going out, but there was never any… private time."
"Link? Explain? Now?"
"I… he wanted me. And you… I don't know."
"I cannot believe you are that needy."
"Light, please, please, forgive me. I'll do anything…"
If he was honest, Light had forgiven him almost as instantly as he had seen him, he had just felt obliged to go through the motions of the argument. L had looked so sad and repentant, and Light loved him. Plain and simple. But he was glad he had argued anyway, it certainly explained some things. Actually, it was kind of funny, thinking L might have been… HA!
"Anything?" he asked, a touch of mischievousness entering his voice.
"Yes."
"How about accepting that ring?" Light asked. There was a moment of stunned silence.
"You mean…?"
Light laughed at his childish, overjoyed expression. "Yes L. Do you want me to get down on one knee?"
"Erm… no, I mean, YES…"
"It just looks like you're about to fall over."
"Yes, I will marry you! I love you!"
Light smiled and hugged L happily.
"Oh, and by the way," L whispered into his ear before they kissed, "I don't actually believe in Santa Claus."
Epilogue
L looked good in white, Light thought, as Watari lead him down the isle. His eyes sparkled with joy as clear as crystal. It was hard to imagine that only a short while ago he had been so depressed. He ran a hand over his arm self-consciously, glad L still didn't know about his bruises. He would find out at some point, of course, but hopefully they would fade over the next few house, so that he could blame it on tripping onto the edge of a desk, or something. He watched L as he stood beside him, and thought that he could never have been happier as he was at that moment.
"…Do you, L Lawliet, take this, Light Yagami, to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"I do." Light's heart swelled happily.
"And do you, Light Yagami, take this, L Lawliet, to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"Then I now pronounce you man and wife."
They both smiled.
The End