Voldemort's Biggest Secrets
He always wished for a mother, ever since he learned of his own mother's death. He remembered staying up late at night, wishing for someone to come, to tell him that they were his parents and that they had come to take him away, that they loved him. But they never came and he denied ever wishing for it, even to himself.
He enjoyed killing. That's what made his transformation from Tom to Voldemort so easy. He liked having power over people. He liked seeing them grovel and beg before he killed. He told himself that, if he could live without parents, then so could those children whose parents he killed. He never regretted killing a woman or a child. Except once… and that death haunted him for the rest of his life.
Hogwarts was fun, Hogwarts was easy. He loved it there. The only thing that he didn't love was Dumbledore. Dumbledore scared him in a way that only two other people have ever frightened him. But Dumbledore was only one person. He, Tom Riddle, he knew Hogwarts and its students. That's how he made Severus Snape a loyal follower, his favorite, his most perfect. The night he went to Godric's Hollow, he had every intention of letting Lily Potter live. After all, Severus was his most loyal follower. Severus was the one who told him where the Potters were. Severus deserved to be rewarded and if he wanted the mudblood, then Lord Voldemort would reward him and not kill the mudblood. But, when, that night, he lost power, he never forgave Severus. It was because of Severus that he was haunted forever by those almond shaped, emerald green eyes.
He killed James easily. The man didn't even have time to pick up his wand when Voldemort burst in the door and he had considered playing with James, the way Bella played with her prey. But the sound of a door slamming and the sound of a baby crying pushed those thoughts away and he killed James with a simple curse. But for an instant, when James's eyes met his and James smiled, a small smile as he thought of his wife and child, Voldemort wished that he had a father like James; that he had a father who cared for him and would die for him.
The moment he saw Lily Potter, he knew that she would have to die that night. Because he saw in her everything he had wished for when he was a child. He saw fear in her eyes but he also saw determination and something that he could neither explain nor understand. For an instant that night, he was afraid of her. He felt that, if he didn't have his horcruxes and if Lily Potter had a wand, he would be dead before he could even draw a breath because he had threatened her son. But he offered Lily a chance anyway, because of what Severus had asked him. But she refused to stand aside and he killed her and for a moment, he felt guilty. It was the only death he ever felt guilty for, and he hated himself for it.
When he turned his wand on Harry, for a second, he felt guilt well up inside him. Harry was a baby, a sweet innocent baby who was completely unaware that he had just lost his parents and was about to lose his own life. He remembers Harry smiling at him and giggling and clapping his hands, thinking it was his father underneath that cloak. For a moment, Voldemort considered letting him live, giving him a chance. But then he saw Harry's eyes, his mother's eyes, and he remembered the determination and….. and love in Lily's eyes and turned his wand on Harry. That would show her that no one defied Lord Voldemort. Then, in an instant, his world seemed to end and the pain was unbearable.
Of course he remembers his attempts at the Sorcerer's stone. He doesn't remember Harry, though, or the fight. He remembers looking into the mirror of Erised and he remembers seeing a man, an aging man who…who looked exactly like he did before his transformation from Tom to Voldemort. He remembers the man having his arm around a woman wearing a golden locket with an ornate, serpentine S on it. He remembers the two people smiling at him and seeing himself as immortal, all powerful and he remembers them telling him that they're proud of him, that they love him. He will never know that he saw his parents, that he saw the same thing that Harry saw when he looked in the mirror.
He remembers the Chamber of Secrets as well. He remembers Ginny and how silly she was. But some part of Ginny, some small part of her, reminded him of Lily Potter, and he knew that he would never get over the guilt he felt at killing her, that he would never forget that blaze in her eyes when she saw him and refused to step aside. So he became even more determined to absorb her, to befriend her and to trick her. But he remembers Harry coming to save her, and for a moment, as Tom, he remembers thinking how much Harry is like him, a Parslemouth with black hair, favored by all the teachers, brilliant, brave, and wonderful. He considered trying to turn Harry to the dark side, to become his most loyal follower, to become his…dare he say it…..his partner. But then he saw the hate in Harry's eyes and he remembered Lily. It was Harry's eyes that protected him from ever being turned, from ever having Voldemort consider bothering to turn him to the dark side.
He was terrified in the graveyard, during his duel with Harry. Not only because Harry had embraced death, but because, like every time he saw Harry, he saw Lily. And he remembered that fear he felt the night he was in Godric's Hollow. He knew he couldn't die but his horcruxes were little comfort that night. Because he saw Lily and James glaring at him that night, both in their son and in their memories, in the ghosts that came out of his wand. If looks could kill, he'd have died more than a hundred times. Lily and James….the only deaths that haunted him, even when he was but a ghost himself.
He never thought that he would die. He couldn't die. He was Lord Voldemort. But he knew that he would, the instant he realized that Harry was alive, that his curse hadn't worked, again, that he had failed, again. He knew, the minute Mrs. Weasley killed Bella, that nothing could beat a mother's love for her child. He never loved Bella, not the way she loved him, but her death scared him, the same way seeing Harry in front of him, wand out, eyes blazing, scared him. Because Voldemort knew he would die. It was Lily in front of him. It was James, and they were waiting for him, waiting to torment him in the afterlife. He saw them, the Potters, standing behind their son, Harry and he remembered the look Lily gave him the night she died. And when he saw the flash of green, he felt fear, but for the first time in his life, Voldemort felt regret, regret that he'd had so little love in his life, and then, he felt nothing at all.