OK, slightly odd title, and not sure if this is gonna turn out happy or not yet (so apologies if it doesn't). Inspired by a song (but not a songfic) called "When you're evil" by Voltaire, odd beginning and ending but good middle and all inspired the title which is similar to the line in the song "You're tears are all the pay I ever need" and got me thinking about Grissom if he ever made Sara cry, and this is the result. Me + bored + stressed + homework = some bizarre fics.
Her tears will all the pain he could ever cope with, all he needed to make him hate himself solidly for the next week and until he saw her smile again. Not that she smiled all that often these days, if Grissom thought about it he would've realised that she hadn't smiled properly for about a month, there hadn't been a single true smile, one relaxed grin, barely even a reluctant one when the team were making fun of Greg, not since he had turned down her latest offer.
Deep down he knew, but couldn't cope with it, he didn't want to think about it, he couldn't think about it. He could barely think about Sara, she had become, in a way, unthinkable. To let his mind rest on her for too long was dangerous, would only lead to awkwardness between them again, if he didn't think about her, he didn't want her, if he didn't want her then he didn't flirt with her and make her believe that they had a chance. He also hadn't grouped himself with her on assignments for that month either.
He sung gratefully into the chair in his office, it had been a hard shift, he could afford 5 minutes rest and then he needed to start the huge mountain of paperwork that had accumulated during just that shift. Just as he breathed out and let all his barriers down now he was safely in his office, he caught sight of Sara walking along the corridor outside his office. Eyes thoughtful, lost in her own world, probably thinking about the results she was clutching in her hand. She turned the corner without looking up, knowing the building well enough by now to know exactly when to turn and in which direction.
Just that simple view of her affected him, he had let his barriers down, alone in his office, thinking he wouldn't be disturbed, he hadn't reasoned on seeing her through the open door.
He sighed and pulled off his glasses, pinching the bridge of his nose. So much for not thinking about her, he couldn't do that now. He thought back to a month ago, he had already turned down one offer of dinner because of his operation, not he had turned down what was probably her last offer, he had finally got rid of his last chance, and it was killing him inside. He didn't know that it was killing her as well, he noticed the extra overtime she was pulling, he signed off on it, but it was always the way she coped and after a while it fell back to the normal pattern, this time it hadn't. She had been staying later and later, coming in earlier and earlier, she barely even had time to go home and have a decent sleep, as it was he knew that at best she was only getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night, assuming she actually was sleeping.
She had been looking drawn at work, tired with dark shadows under her eyes, her shoulders had become more and more hunched and her eyes were losing some of their brightness everytime she looked at him.
If he didn't do something soon he would lose her, not just as a colleague in the lab where he needed her professionally, but any faint hope there was left would fly away with her, but he couldn't ask her to stay, he could offer her nothing here, here she would just fade away until she became a ghost and eventually vanished altogether until people didn't realise she was no longer there and vaguely remembered her as 'that girl that used to work here years ago, never really knew her that well, don't know what actually happened to her.'
He sat up suddenly, he couldn't let it happen. He stood up, adrenalin pumping through him and walked to the door and pulled it open before he ran out of courage. He marched towards the break room, hoping that she was there and no-one else was.
He walked in and saw her flicking through a textbook intently with her results at the side of her.
"Sara" he said in a harsher voice than he intended. She looked up at him.
He noticed again the dark circles and almost died inwardly when he saw the tiny hope there had been still burning brightly in her eyes leave, not knowing if it would ever return.
"You need to go home and sleep" he started in a caring way, then suddenly realising he couldn't do it, he couldn't take that step, suddenly resumed playing supervisor. "You lose your edge after 48 hours. Go home" he finished before walking out of the door and hurrying back to his office.
He din't know if she left or not that night, he didn't watch to see if her shadow passed his door, he didn't go check with Judy 10 minutes later if she had signed out.
He sat in his office chair, and let the tears fall.
OK, this was going to be a oneshot, but didn't actually bring in what I was planning to, so might carry it on. Let me know if you think it needs carrying on or not.