"Professor Snape's Tubular Adventure"
Characters:
Snape A human being of indeterminate age raised by Winston Churchill, who is also the BBF of Chad.
Chad The human being who killed the evil Dr. Pepper with his Master Hacker Skillz. Age 12.
Winston Churchill Snape's father-figure and mentor. A time-traveler who has feuded with the evil Dr. Pepper for a millennia.
Dr. Pepper A dark wizard who thinks Chad is totes uncool and thereby wishes to destroy all the uncoolness that Chad represents. He's not sure who Winston Churchill is.
Scene 1: Set in the Hogwarts Mall at noon, our protagonists (Snape and Chad, the latter of which wears a blindfold) sit in the food court/Inferior Hall. A large and delicious-looking cake sits between them on a table.
Snape: (grinning) Okay, Chad – you can look now.
Chad: (removes blindfold) Whoa, tubular, Snape! Did you bake this cake yourself?
Snape: Totally, bro. I made it to commemorate the exact one-year anniversary of the day you destroyed the evil Dr. Pepper with your Master Hacker Skillz. (looks towards the viewers like in "the Office")
Chad: Oh, is that today? Bro, Dr. Pepper was so easy to hack into submission, I'd completely forgotten about him.
Snape: But the rest of the world hasn't. You saved us all, Chas. And you taught me to… to – (Snape starts to sob)
Chad: Bro?
Snape: You taught me to love again!
Chad: Aww, bro! (leaps across the table so that he may hug Snape. They weep together)
Winston Churchill: (rushes in, panicking) Snape! Chad! It's the most horrible thing conceivable!
Snape & Chad: Winston Churchill?
Snape: Winston Churchill, what is it?
Winston Churchill: (smacks the cake onto the floor) You've nothing to celebrate!
(Snape and Chad gasp in unison)
Chad: My cake! (now berating) That was not very righteous of you, Winston Churchill.
Snape: Totally, bro. Water closet, what's the dealio?
Winston Churchill: (with urgency) I'm afraid I have grave news, my children. The evil Dr. Pepper has returned from the grave. He swore revenge on you, Chad, and he won't rest until you lay dead with all you stand for.
Snape: Whoa whoa whoa whoa – slow down, WC, because when you talk that fast it sounds like you're saying Dr. Pepper is alive.
Chad: That's crazy, man. I hacked him to death exactly a year ago. Allegedly. I dunno, I'm not too good with dates.
Snape: Yeah bro. Look, Windchill, you're my master and the closest thing to a father I've ever known, and I respect you more than I respect Chad's personal space – (reaches over and grabs Chad's boob) – but this is just insane!
Winston Churchill: Snape, please. I'm telling you that Dr. Pepper is alive and out for Chad's head.
Snape: I'm sorry, WC, but I need more than that.
Winston Churchill: Honey. I'm Winston Churchill and I travel through time.
Snape: … An excellent point. (to Chad) Bro, if what he says is true, you are in major danger.
Chad: (removes Snape's hand from his boob) Aw, chill-lactate, Snape-bro. He might be a time-traveling Winston Churchill, but I'm Chad. I think we both know who's in the right in this scenario.
Snape: Winston Churchill?
Chad: Prob-ab-bly! But I'm not gonna let Dr. Pepper lame-ify my lightning. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a cake to eat. (begins eating cake off the floor)
Winston Churchill: (grabs Snape by the shoulder) My boy, give me your word that you'll keep Chad out of trouble?
Snape: On my bodacious honor, sir.
Winston Churchill: Thank you. I'm afraid I must go now. Tis my moral duty to traverse time and see if I can't figure out how to destroy Dr. Pepper once and for all. Keep an eye on… well, you know. (they share a look of concern directed at Chad) Farewell, my son.
Snape: Farewell, Water Closet!
End Scene 1
Scene 2: The scene is set in Winston Churchill's living room, now at night. Winston Churchill himself enters the room and is quick to slump tiredly in a large armchair. He seems quite exhausted.
Winston Churchill: Ugh, why do I even bother with time travel? It never works how it ought to. I didn't learn a thing about Dr. Pepper… Well, on the bright side, humanity no longer has to answer to supreme robot-dinosaur overlords.
Dr. Pepper: (breaks through the wall, evilly) Finstone Churningbill!
Winston Churchill: (leaps, startled) Dr. Pepper! What in the name of humanity's supreme robot-dinosaur overlords have you come here for?
Dr. Pepper: I may not know about any supreme robot-dinosaur overlords, or whether your name is Winifred Birchfill or Ashton Lurchkill, but I do know that you were with Chad today at the Hogwarts Mall!
Winston Churchill: Madness! How could you have known that?
Dr. Pepper: (cackles) My devious spy, Martha, noticed you and texted me a pic to prove that it did, indeed, happen.
Winston Churchill: Martha? That tart – I should have known.
Dr. Pepper: Oh, but you didn't. And now, Windmill Churchyard, you will divulge unto me all you know about Chadwyn Elizabeth Montgomery III.
Winston Churchill: Never in your wildest dreams, Dr. Pepper. You couldn't dance that information out of me.
Dr. Pepper: But I can try...
Winston Churchill: (with horror) Oh, no. I should not have said that.
Dr. Pepper: (begins to dance evilly, causing Winston Churchill to cringe) Now, Vinstein Churchenhausen, what do you know about my mortal adversary? Where is he? Hath he much in the way of defenses?
Winston Churchill: Never!
Dr. Pepper: Never? But what if I do... this? (busts a fab move)
Winston Churchill: (now in tears) Forgive me, Chad! He doesn't believe you to be a threat!
Dr. Pepper: (ceases his torturous jig) Yes, yes? Go on, muffin-top.
Winston Churchill: He's – he's still at the Hogwarts Mall, eating cake frosting out from between the tiles in the Inferior Hall. He has Snape watching over him. That's all I know – I swear! Please, just don't dance at me again!
Dr. Pepper: (whips out his magic wand) Avada Kedavra!
Winston Churchill: (dies)
Dr. Pepper: Snape, eh? That's Chad's right-hand man. His BBF – Best Bro Forever. The epitome of Chad's morale. If something were to... befall... him... (he dissolves into cackles and flees through the hole in the wall he entered through)
End Scene 2
Scene 3: The location switches back to the Hogwarts Mall, Inferior Hall, where, for the past few hours, Snape has stood guard over Chad as the latter eats cake frosting off the floor. The former seems agitated.
Snape: Hey bro, don't you think we should go back to our gnarly dormitories? I have tubular wizard school in the morning.
Chad: Aren't you a teacher?
Snape: (sweats nervously) … No?
Chad: Whatever, broseph. You can go back if you want, but I am not going to waste all this bodacious cake frosting.
Snape: Chad, is it really bodacious?
Chad: Totally! It tastes like pure tubularity. How did you make it all so delicious, bro?
Snape: Simple, bro – I just used the most delectable ingredient you can put in a cake.
Chad: (stands up) What's that, Snape?
Snape: Broship, of course! (Snape and Chad high-five)
Chad: Snape, I gotta tell you: you really are my right-hand man. My BBF – Best Bro Forever. The epitome of my morale. If something were to... befall... you... Well, let's not think like that. The point is, nothing will ever keep us apart.
Snape: I know, bro. It's like we're not even bros... we've become brothers.
Chad: (gasps) Brother! (they hug brotherly)
Dr. Pepper: (appears) Surprise! Avada Kedavra!
Snape: Aah! Not... tubular... maaan... (dies)
Chad: Snape, no! But we've only just risen above biological factors and became brothers in mind and spirit. (looks to Dr. Pepper, in tears) Why, you–
Dr. Pepper: Demoralized, Chadwyn Elizabeth Montgomery III?
Chad: Dr. Pepper? (leaps up) Impossible! How did you survive my Master Hacker Skillz? You were reduced to basic html and a pile of bloody pixels. And the Comic Sans font. Bright yellow, if I recall correctly, against a lime green backdrop? That was an eyesore.
Dr. Pepper: Only a knave would believe that I, the evil Dr. Pepper, could be destroyed by mere code and copious amounts of Mt. Dew. I was simply biding my time.
Chad: But why would you kill Snape? He's never done anything lame in his life, least of all to you.
Dr. Pepper: Correction, Chadwyn: October 3rd, 2006, he spray-painted the phrase "it's not gay if it's in space" onto the side of my space-shuttle. Then he kicked it back into Earth's gravitational pull and made all my evil astronaut henchmen extremely homosexual!
Chad: That was a cool day.
Dr. Pepper: Well, it sucked for me. They wouldn't shut up about forming a Space Girls cover band and all the insightful things Oprah said for months. Do you know how much my water bill shot up after I Chinese-water-tortured them back to their senses? It takes an uncouth amount of torture to decently un-gay-ify half a dozen evil astronaut henchmen. I shudder just thinking about it.
Chad: Wait, you can un-gay-ify people?
Dr. Pepper: Not the point, Chadwyn. The point is, it takes a lot. Like, an extra thirty bucks a month for water kind of a lot.
Chad: So... you killed Snape because he turned your evil space expedition into a fruit stand?
Dr. Pepper: What? No, of course not. I just wanted to destroy your morale.
Chad: (falls to his knees in tears)Well, it worked! Oh Snape, oh brother, oh sweet child of the Hogwarts dungeons, why must such a fate have befallen you?
Dr. Pepper: Because I killed him.
Chad: (mournfully stroking Snape's face) Go to sleep, dear kinsman. May the mysterious Higher Power's chariot carry you valiantly into a better world. Do not linger and grow weary for my sake, old friend. Sleep now...
Dr. Pepper: Excuse me, I'm trying to gloat. Would you please at least try to be reasonably terrified? I kind of had a speech prepared.
Chad: (sniffs, wipes away a tear) Okay, fine. What's your speech?
Dr. Pepper: (strikes a fabulous, evil pose) Chadwyn Elizabeth Montgomery III! I have defied death and traversed a thousand Hells to destroy you and all you stand for! Already, I have taken the first steps. Your kinsman, Severus Elizabeth Snape, lays dead in a puddle of... cake frosting?
Chad: Bodacious cake frosting.
Dr. Pepper: Irrelevant! In any case, he is dead with your spirit, and now I shall do what I should have done precisely a year ago today: I'm going to kill you! (raises wand) Avada –!
Snape: (appears behind Dr. Pepper) Hold your fire, old, bald man! (slaps the wand out of Dr. Pepper's fist)
Dr. Pepper: (hisses and scuttles) What is the meaning of this plot twist?
Chad: Snape! You're alive?
Snape: It is true – I live again.
Dr. Pepper: Inconceivable.
Chad: Brother – oh, brother, did the power of love triumph over Dr. Pepper's fiendish ways and return you to the living world with the blessings of Wizard God upon you?
Winston Churchill: (shows up) Not quite, my boy.
Chad: Winston Churchill?
Dr. Pepper: Who the heck are you?
Winston Churchill: (to Dr. Pepper) Um... I'm Winston Churchill? You tortured me for information about Chad's whereabouts and then murdered me quickly thereafter?
Dr. Pepper: … Yeah, you're gonna have to be more specific. I've done that to, like, six guys today.
Chad: Forget that! Snape, how the bogus are you still alive? You died in my arms, brother.
Snape: I'm glad you asked, brother. Because now me and Winston Churchill get to use a technique we spent centuries perfecting...
Dr. Pepper: (gasps) You don't mean–?
Winston Churchill: Oh, he does mean. Prepare yourself, Dr. Pepper, to taste our mighty flashback!
End Scene 3
Scene 4: Back in Winston Churchill's living room, shortly after Dr. Pepper killed him. Winston Churchill's spirit looked around confusedly.
Winston Churchill: What is this? Am I – am I dead? … No, that's ridiculous. I must have been removed from my body by Dr. Pepper's spell. (casts glance to his body) That can wait. The flesh usually doesn't get gamy for at least an hour. Time Travel Powers, activate! (spins back in time)
Winston Churchill: (looks around curiously) A musical orphanage? Why would Wizard God compel me to travel here? What adorable children, though. Most are just rhythmic street urchins and musically-inclined cut-purses. By Wizard God, who's that ugly one over there? (makes a face of disgust) He looks like an inverted toilet bowel with a face and emotions. Blah, no wonder he hasn't been adopted yet.
Dr. Pepper: (in youthful voice) At last, my fellow rhythmic street urchins have left me to my desolation. Now, I shall explore my inner torment in the form of passionate body movement. (commences passionate body movement)
Winston Churchill: Hm. For such a hideous child, he's a pretty good dancer. (watches Dr. Pepper dance for a minute) Oh my Wizard God – is that Dr. Pepper? Well, I guess that clears up the mystery as to why he started launching evil astronauts into orbit for ambiguous reasons. (continues to admire Dr. Pepper's sweet moves)
Dr. Pepper: (completes his passionate body movements) Whoo! Those were some good body movements. I'd like so see any of the other schmucks in this crusty anus of an orphanage match those moves. (looks longingly into the distance) One day, the world will know my Mad Skillz. I'm simply before my time. But mark my words, before I die, the world will know the name Lord Tom Marvolo Enigma Elvis Voldemort Pepper, Ph.D!
Winston Churchill: (gasps) Dr. Pepper, Lord Voldemort, the Riddler, and Elvis are all the same guy? That explains so much. I think. It makes sense that Dr. Pepper and Lord Voldemort would be the same guy, anyway. I have to tell Snape and Chad. Time Travel Powers, activate! (spins forwards in time)
Snape: Aah! Not... tubular... maaan... (dies, stays present as a spirit) Huh? What's the dealio, invisi-bro? Am I... dead? Funny. I never thought that the afterlife would look exactly like the Inferior Hall.
Winston Churchill: Snape! I'm too late – Dr. Pepper's killed you already.
Snape: Winston Churchill! Are you the embodiment of death itself come to converse with me on matters of friendship and general spirituality?
Winston Churchill: … No. Listen, my child, Dr. Pepper has murdered you-
Snape: I kinda figured that out for myself.
Winston Churchill: Severus Elizabeth Snape, so help me, if you interrupt once more I shall paddle your derriere so red that you won't be able to sit comfortably for a month.
Snape: Sorry, WC.
Winston Churchill: Dr. Pepper is not who we thought he was. Snape, he's actually Lord Voldemort, and I know how to defeat him once and for all.
Snape: (bewildered) Dr. Pepper is Lord Voldemort? That doesn't really help us, Windchill. I mean, everyone knows Lord Voldemort's only weakness is fabulous dancing, but no one alive has the skill to serve him.
Winston Churchill: Oh, no one alive, certainly.
Snape: WC, what are you thinking?
Winston Churchill: Snape, you do realize that we're both dead, right?
Snape: (realization dawns on his face) Oooh. We're gonna need a training montage!
Winston Churchill: No one living would ever have the time to develop the dexterity necessary to defeat Dr. Pepper in a dance-off – but we're not alive. We don't need to eat, or sleep, or maintain a social life, or ever use the bathroom...
Snape: We just need to dance.
Winston Churchill: So, let's dance.
End Scene 4
Scene 5: We return to the present, as the flashback has been completed. Chad sits on the floor, Dr. Pepper faces Winston Churchill and Snape, all glaring daggers at one another.
Winston Churchill: I would have flashbacked to the training montage itself, but I decided it was too difficult a feat in this particular medium. Maybe if this were a film of some sort, we could add music and make it more interesting, but even after countless centuries of training, me and Snape couldn't figure out how to incorporate that into a one-act play.
Snape: Ahem, WC – the 4th wall?
Winston Churchill: Oh, yes – apologies. Anyway, for four billion years, me and Snape training montaged, and I believe wholeheartedly that he is now a vastly superior dancer to you, Lord Voldemort!
Dr. Pepper: Do not mock me with my slave name, Jigkron Steriledrill. And Snape? Superior to me? Ha! Not even in four billion years. I know he is a famously excellent dancer, but I am Dr. Pepper. No one could ever best me!
Snape: Then perhaps you would not mind facing me in a righteous dance-off?
Dr. Peppr: (chortles like a fiend) Of course not, Severus Elizabeth. I shall destroy you with style – once and for all. (strikes pose) Now groove!
Snape: (begins dancing) Observe the product of billions of years of rigorous training. My moves are the grooviest in the universe.
Dr. Pepper: Hmm, not bad. But it is nothing compared to my natural flare for jiggery. (commences evil dance) I'd like to see you best this, Severus Elizabeth.
Snape: Ah – your moves are blinding! But are they as blinding as these bodacious feet? (does cool move with his feet)
Dr. Pepper: (hisses)
Snape: You see, Dr. Pepper, you may be the evilest dancer in the known world, but I have one thing you can never hope to attain. It took me a long time to realize it – four billion years, in fact – but I know now why I can never lose to you. Not really lose, anyway.
Chad: The power of broship is strong in your heart?
Winston Churchill: You spent several billions of years under my tutelage?
Dr. Pepper: You look way better in leather than I do?
Snape: All of those things – but also this: I'm just so much prettier than you, Dr. Pepper.
(the dance-off ceases, the following silence is thick with tension)
Dr. Pepper: … What. Did. You. Just. Say?
Snape: You heard my mouth, Dr. Pepper: I'm really pretty. Like, way prettier than you could ever hope to be. I almost felt sorry for you, for a few thousand years, but then I realized it was the one thing that made me so much better than you in every conceivable way, man. I just look better. I'm like if Emma Watson and a unicorn tried to magically switch bodies, but wound up merging their bodies together instead. (now with a look of disgust) You sorta just look like a cancer patient had a baby with the Joker.
Dr. Pepper: (indignantly clutches his hair) Are you saying my wig isn't attractive?
Chad: It is a very green wig.
Snape: Thank you, Chad. My point is, Dr. Pepper, even if you do destroy me and Chad and everything Chad stands for with your bodacious moves, you're still the loser. Because you're so ugly. You're very, very ugly.
Dr. Pepper: (deadpan) Thanks.
Snape: No, I really mean it. It's actually kind of pitiful. Do you, like, want a hug, or maybe a monetary donation...?
Dr. Pepper: No, I'm fine, thank you.
Snape: Fantabulistic! (makes a good dancing move)
Dr. Pepper: (shrieks, unable to comprehend the sheer beauty of Snape's moves, then dies)
Chad: Snape-bro! You did it, you killed Dr. Pepper and saved me! (jumps up and hugs Snape)
Snape: Aw, bro, I couldn't have done it without my tubular genetics. And four billion years of training with Winston Churchill.
Chad: (releases Snape) Speaking of that, bro, how in the heck did that even work? Dr. Pepper killed you both. How could Winston Churchill time travel if he was dead? And how could you train to defeat Dr. Pepper if you were also dead? (shakes his head) It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense, broman.
Snape: (shares nervous look with Winston Churchill) Um, we – Winston – Water Closet – bodacious –
Winston Churchill: There's a lot of very complex science involved, Chad. You aren't me or Snape, so I doubt you'd understand. Anyway, how about we celebrate the real death of Dr. Pepper with a bodacious cake?
Snape: Extraterrestrial! Let's go buy the ingredients now.
Chad: Aren't we gonna take care of Dr. Pepper's carcass?
Snape: Uh, no. The Hogwarts Mall wolves will take care of him. Let's move to San Francisco instead!
Winston Churchill: What a novel idea, Snape.
Chad: There are wolves in the Hogwarts Mall?
Snape: Yeah, Scotland's getting objectively un-tubular. We need more sun. We should start a band.
Winston Churchill: (with wisdom) The Knights of Tubularity. That's what we'll be called. I'll play the bassoon.
Chad: Wait, are we moving to San Francisco now? Guys!
(the trio make their way to San Francisco, leaving Dr. Pepper's carcass to the wolves)
Th'end.