I was told at a young age that the abuse wasn't my fault. However it wasn't until I was older that these same people even admitted it was abuse, I just lived knowing that someone else had hurt me and I had to deal with it, but it wasn't my fault.
They, my parents and therapist, told me to write down things when my memories hurt too much, when I felt dirty inside or when I felt like scratching my skin to escape my body. However once I started writing stuff down, I stopped talking. It was easier that way, it still is.
"Ari! I need my shirt!" Leah, my older sister, yelled through the door. I knew the door would fly open when I didn't respond. I threw the shirt at Leah's face, her hair chopped short and her face in a scowl. "Mom's having me help at the diner before I have to go on patrol." Leah eyed her sister, surprised to see curiosity in her eyes.
"Not today, kid." She mumbled before leaving the room. She treats me as if I'm not actually aware of what's going on, something a lot of people do. They assume I just zone out because I don't speak, instead I pay more attention than most.
I got dressed quickly, my long hair falling down my back in a dark curtain, my russet skin glowing against my white long sleeve and a pair of jeans. I tied my converse quickly before jogging down the stairs to the kitchen, where my mother was making pancakes.
"Morning Ari. You have an appointment today." She watched me out of the corner of her eye, waiting for the anxiety and the freak out to come. All appointments were was me sitting while a doctor or therapist tried to make me talk, and then when I wouldn't, they would assume what I was thinking and feeling and give me advice on that. It was worthless and the more often we went, the more I relived everything.
I shook my head and stood to leave, wishing Seth was here, or Dad had been alive. I didn't feel right, I just wanted to get outside and out of the tiny house. Nobody would leave me alone at the house, stupid Leah and her shirt and my mother and the "appointments".
"Ari! Get back here!" I heard my mother stumble behind me as I rushed outside. I had an intense feeling that I needed to get away from her. I looked around hurriedly, panicking.
"Ari? What's going on?" Seth's voice came from behind me, and as I turned, I saw him with a few of his friends, Embry Call and Jacob Black. I felt surrounded and started to hyperventilate.
"What's going on?" Mom asked, her voice suddenly from next to Seth.
"I'm not sure. She's shaking, mom back up." Seth's voice made it seem like he knew exactly what was happening.
The world around me started to spin and I did the only thing I knew to do: I ran. My movement surprised everyone as I slipped in between Jake and Embry, running for the beach. The water would soothe me, I hoped, away from everywhere and everything except the ocean and memories of my father.
"Ari? Are you okay?" a voice called when I got to the beach. I spun around to see Quil Atera, and took off down the beach.
Just keep running. They can't hurt you if they can't catch you. Suddenly something felt really wrong. I knew where I was, I remembered the carving in the tree and the small hill that suddenly arose. This is where it had happened. This is where, as a young child, I had violently raped by a person we had thought to be a family friend, Sam Uley Sr. This is his land.
"Who's there?" a voice called. It seemed familiar, but the hairs on my body had stood straight up, and I started to back up when a figure stepped out of the woods. My entire body felt disgusting, dirty and wrong. I know that who I saw happened to be Sam Uley Jr., the good one who I'm even kind of friends with, but in that moment, I snapped. I screamed, loud and for the first time in years. And then, at the age of 16, I phased for the first time.
My entire body ached and voices filled my head, as well as memories of the owners of the voices.
Sam: "Ari, it's going to be okay."
Seth: "Welcome baby sis!"
Quil: "Wait, so you did run past me."
Seth: "Where are you anyway?"
Sam: "I found her running to my dad's property…" Seth was quiet at this point, which worried me.
Jake: "Well then that would explain the scream right?"
Sam: "Yes, she saw me coming from the woods and it must have thrown her off, especially since it was my dad and I guess we could look sort of similar."
Embry: "So does this mean we'll actually find out what happened now?"
This made me angry, because they were still treating me like I didn't understand.
Seth: "Embry, don-"
Me: "Fine, you want to see what made me shut up? Here." I opened up my head, assuming they would get the memo, seeing as we could all hear each other anyway.
Memories flooded the collective mind, Sam's dad bribing me towards his land from the beach one day when my dad went to use the bathroom.
"You're going to be a good girl for me and stay quiet about this, right Arianna?" he had whispered in my face. Scared, I nodded as he moved to take down my pants and underwear. I started to say something, but he just reminded me I was going to be his good little girl. So I stayed silent as he violated me, ripping me open and then, after he finished, he kicked me in the abdomen a few times and took a knife and cut my arm open, to make sure I understood that if I told anyone I would get hurt again. Then he left and I was found by a lovely EMT who took me to the hospital.
The collective mind was silent, and I sat there crying, as a wolf.