one-shot; we could play house
pairing: dominick ''sonny" carisi jr/amanda rollins
word count: 1506 words
note: a bit disjointed, a bit everywhere, but I'm running with it.
begin
Carisi and Amanda start with small steps, one step at a time.
He couldn't exactly pinpoint the when. He knows the how (she kissed him; she will claim otherwise, but he is pretty damn sure that she kissed him first) and he knows the why (he thinks he is kind of, sort of, in love with her) but there just doesn't seem to be a starting point.
He goes to her apartment, he cooks for them – all four of them (Frannie gets food, too), he takes on baby duties with Jesse, they watch terrible reality TV together (her taste is abysmal, really, but he finds it endearing, somehow). Amanda sits on the couch and munches on her popcorn. She feeds Frannie, but she doesn't always offer Carisi the popcorn (he always gives her the last cannoli though).
Sometimes, he spends the night at her place (actually, he usually does).
Gradually, Carisi attempts to teach Amanda how to cook, the proper type of cooking that includes more than compiling whatever's edible in the fridge and throwing it into a pan, or into the microwave. It usually ends with Carisi laughing and Amanda frustrated (why do you need to mince garlic that fine anyway? what's with using three thousand kinds of herbs in the pasta sauce? it all tastes the same). He silences her agitation with a kiss.
They try to do normal things whenever they can; their jobs don't allow too much room for normal in a lot of circumstances. They walk through Central Park, Jesse all snug and warm in her pram, Frannie on her leash, and have weekend brunch and coffee at any cafe they stumble across. They try to have date nights now and then, just the two of them. They do things that are normal, which could be what makes other people bond and they realise they are not a lot like other people.
Carisi dusts off the stove and scrubs the grime off Amanda's stovetop. He folds her quilts and straightens her bedsheets, and puts her worn clothes into the laundry basket, ready to be washed. He wisely leaves her make-up table and its mess to itself.
Carisi starts leaving his law textbooks at her place. Amanda lets him use that little section of her apartment that she calls her office, lets him stick papers and sticky notes on her wall, of criminal law statutes and matters to do with the constitution. He's staying with the SVU (staying with her) for now, but there is a reason why he took the bar exam, because there is something else, in the future, that he wants to do.
Carisi likes reading to Jesse. He brings her picture books, big colourful books with farm animals and flowers and princesses, and he props Jesse on his lap and tells her stories about a very hungry caterpillar and its friends, stories about a dog called Spot and its antics.
Amanda doesn't say it, but she loves listening to Carisi when he reads to Jesse. It's comforting, his Staten Island accent strangely soothing, and she marvels at the ease they fall into that routine.
Sometimes she wonders if it has been too easy, and she thinks about all that she (they) have been through to arrive here, and she knows nothing is ever easy.
They fumble their way through, trying to understand how to express their thoughts. Carisi has to tell her when to slow down, reaches out to grab her by the arm when she charges ahead. He asks her to walk next to him, let him catch up to her.
It's a process at work; but it's always been a process with her. Amanda, striding on ahead, with enough energy to power the entire city's lights, Amanda and her relentless search for more, everything and more, he needs her to slow down and let him catch up. They walk next to each other on the pavement and she's impatient, wanting to run ahead to the prep or the witness or the medical examiner or Barba, and Carisi has to hurry up, has to keep up, has to ask her to remember he's right there beside her.
It's not just work, it's everything else. But they try to find a pace. It's a little bit tricky but they're making it work, in their own way.
Sometimes, they talk about the things, and the people, that make them who they are.
Amanda talks about her father, her mother, and her sister. She talks about her time in Atlanta, about her addiction problems. Sometimes she talks about Nick, and once or twice, she mentions Declan.
She doesn't really go into any of it, and Carisi knows not to push. And yet, he is pretty sure that he knows more about her than anyone else in her life does (Nick and Declan included).
On the contrary, he's an open book. He talks about his family, his mother especially, his crazy sisters and how much he loves all of them (even if they are nuts), his niece. He talks about his childhood dream of being a lawyer, and he talks about fumbling along in his law enforcement career, never really fitting in until he stumbles upon them (upon her).
He's grateful that she tells him things. She's grateful that he listens to her without judging her.
It leads them down a path and pushes them further together, faster with hope and right into each other. They both want this to work.
They take a big step. They find a spacious apartment, with two and a half bedrooms, two bathrooms and a kitchen. He moves in with some of his furniture, and her with some of hers. They put together new bookshelves and argue over whether or not it looks crooked. They buy a new bed together, and make room for Jesse's crib in the main bedroom.
It's not easy sharing a space. It's the process of living together, and since they work together, it's literally seeing each other twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, thirty days a month, three hundred and sixty five days a year. Of course they had thought about this, and talked about this before making the decision, but now they are here, it seems a bit more difficult than they had envisioned it to be. They feel cramped, and it has nothing to do with the physical space of the apartment.
He asks if she ever does laundry and she asks if he's ever going to vacuum the floor. They try and find their own space in their shared one and it overlaps, it crashes, and sometimes they bicker, and they fight, but in the end, they almost always end up entwined on the couch or on the bed, with Jesse in their arms and watching reality shows on television. She makes him promise not to tell anyone she watches Keeping Up with the Kardashians almost religiously, and he makes her promise not to tell anyone he once cried while watching Masterchef (the story of the contestant with her sick nonna was too gut-wrenching – okay, so he cried more than once, those stories, they kill).
Eventually, they adjust, they get used to each other, they make the space theirs, and they couldn't remember how or why it used to be difficult.
For his birthday, Amanda cooks for him. It's spaghetti bolognese, and the pasta is too mushy and the sauce is too thin, and she's all frustrated because she had practiced, damnit, and it isn't supposed to be like this. His heart swells and he kisses her hard, and eats every last bit of mushy pasta and watery sauce.
Carisi takes her and Jesse to the theme park on her birthday, and he has her drink sugary soda and cotton candy and makes her laugh, and he wins a toy for Jesse. He takes lots of photos of her and Jesse, and kind strangers takes a few photos of the three of them together.
"The three of you make a beautiful family." An elderly gentleman comments as he hands back Carisi's camera to Amanda while Carisi soothes Jesse, who is beginning to fuss. "Your husband has such a natural way with your daughter."
Amanda smiles and thanks the gentleman, but Carisi notices that she doesn't correct him.
They find a pace, right next to each other. They speed up, slow down. And they think about the next step, what comes after.
Amanda stresses about it, about them, at times. She has made a lot of bad decisions in her life, and therefore she feels that she needs to look at facts and line them up – it's not just her anymore, there's Jesse now.
But Carisi sweeps all her worries away, with a hug, with a kiss, with the very real assurance that he's here, he knows what he's in for, and he's here for the long haul.
She follows his hope and his words.
(And this may very well be forever)
end