A/N:
Thanks to all who have reviewed/added the story to their favorites list and put me on author alert! It does a writer good!
This story is an AU for 1x18, Laryngitis. Spoilers up to and including that episode apply. I am also guessing future spoilers until this season is concluded will apply as well.
This chapter has been revised for the third time, and hopefully for the final time. Sorry for the issues. The site won't let me edit within the 'document manager' section for some odd reason. I've extended some scenes (especially the final one) and added some details. I'd love some feedback to see what you guys think of the changes.
Much thanks to my wonderful beta, only_because3 on livejournal.
Disclaimers:
Say Goodbye to Hollywood, the song from which the title is taken, is not owned by me. It's owned and written by Billy Joel and originally recorded by the artist.
Don't Go Breakin' My Heart is not owned by me. It's owned and written by by Elton John and Bernie Taupin. Originally recorded by Elton John and Kiki Dee.
Obviously, I do not own Glee. This particular slice of amazingness is owned by Ryan Murphy, Fox and all that jazz.
When Rachel Berry was a little girl, she used to fantasize about running away to be a big star on Broadway, acting along side the greats. She'd be headlining with Patti LuPone and on her dressing room door, there'd be a knock, and a woman would enter. She'd announce that she was her Mother…
But the news at the doctor's office forced her to kill that dream.
Finn was going to go to the doctor's office with her because they needed to rehearse Elton John's Don't Go Breakin' My Heart. But now rehearsal was the furthest thing from her mind.
"I'm sorry, Rachel…you've developed laryngitis caused by nodes which have formed on your vocal chords. If you sing again, it could rupture your vocal chords completely."
They'd never sing a duet again. Not that they'd been singing duets lately since Jesse joined New Directions, but after Jesse made it clear they were done, she tentatively approached Finn with the idea of doing a number together for the next assignment, which was duets about compromises and negotiations.
She knew that she had contributed to the lack of unity in the group with the Run Joey Run disaster, but it was the fight that broke out the week before between Mercedes and Santana that forced Mr. Schuester to address the dissention among his students.
Rachel was surprised and grateful that he was willing to forgive her, or at least the very least, work with her again and she was secretly thrilled to get to spend one-on-one time with him again.
It felt good. It felt almost as good as singing.
But now, she might not ever have the chance to do either of those things again.
"What about surgery?" Finn was asking.
"We could do surgery, but it's risky and could leave her without the ability to speak altogether. And with all that risk, I could not even guarantee that the nodes won't come back."
"No. I can't let that happen. Surgery will change my voice. It happened to John Lennon after his tonsils were taken out. And, it'll leave scars."
"There's got to be something…" Finn answered. "I mean, they have specialists for these kinds of things, don't they?"
"Julie Andrews had this problem. She had to retire from singing altogether…" Rachel said softly.
"I tell you what. I'm going to refer your girlfriend…"
"Oh, she's not my girlfriend," Finn quickly corrected.
The doctor made a funny noise in the back of his throat.
"I'll refer the young lady you're here to support in a thoroughly non-romantic way to a guy I went to med school with. One of the best in the business," he said, writing down a name and number on the prescription pad and then making a note of it in her medical charts. "But he's going to tell you the same thing. Look, Rachel, I know this is hard to hear. You're a wonderful girl and I am the last person who wants to be the one to bring you this kind of news. But it's just an idea you're going to have to get used to. You're a talented, bright young lady. I'm sure you'll find other pursuits in life."
"I don't care," Rachel said as soon as she got in her car. "I'm not going to let you or Glee Club down. I'm not giving up that easily."
"Rachel, you can't be serious!"
"Serious is exactly what I'm being. Those doctors don't know everything. If I can speak, I can sing. I refuse to let this bring me down," Rachel said, programming her I-Pod until the karaoke version of Elton John's Don't Go Breakin' My Heart was ready at the press of a button. "Shall we take it from the top?"
Finn did what he was told, however reluctantly, and dogs within a five hundred mile-radius howled.
The next day, Finn received a call from Rachel's cell phone.
"Hello?" he said groggily, he was barely awake. It was five-thirty in the morning. Nobody was really awake at five-thirty in the moring.
Silence…
"HELLO?" he said again. And again silence.
"Rachel?"
The text that came minutes later meant that he wasn't getting any more sleep before school:
Meet me in the choir room before school, I have something to tell you.—Rachel.
Two hours later, he couldn't exactly say he was surprised by Rachel's news.
"I tried to practice my solo this morning in the shower," Rachel managed to eke out in a hoarse whisper.
"Not being able to sing when you first wake up doesn't mean anything…" Finn said, "why don't we try a little bit o Elton John now?"
"Don't go breakin' my heart," Finn began.
But Rachel…couldn't even if she tried…
"I mean, it's got to get better, right?" he encouraged.
"That's not what the doctors said," she replied hoarsely. "It's just not coming. I've used the neti-pot so many times I think I've lost my sense of smell! No amount of honey or steam or anything is going to fix this…Finn…do you know what this means? My voice is gone! My life is over!"
"Rachel…"
"It's too late in the semester to drop Glee, so I probably have to be at the rehearsal. What am I going to tell them?"
"Just…see how it goes tomorrow, and if worse comes to worse, tell them the truth…everything will be fine. They'll deal."
"You're right…" she said, taking in a deep breath. "Of course you're right. The truth is always the best. I mean, how bad can it be, right?"
By the afternoon, she was finally able to speak without sounding like a strangled seagull, but she knew what had to be done.
"Now," Mr. Scheuster began. "The assignment last week. Compromise. Negotiation. Teamwork. All for one and one for all. If we're all working our own agendas," he said with a pointed look at Rachel, "letting our hormones get the better of us, and can't get past our issues with each other," at which Santana glared at Mercedes and Mercedes, for her part, tensed but did little more than that.
The exchange between the two girls did not go unnoticed, but still he continued. "We have no chance at sectionals. I admit to letting the drama get out of hand here, and for that I apologize, but that stops now."
"We're a team here. If we can't get past our differences and if we can't exercise a little restraint and discipline and if we can't find a way to work together, then all the work we've done doesn't matter. If we can't get along, we can't accomplish anything. I hope you've all learned something this week. I hope that you're all a little wiser…a little calmer…and a little more mature and are willing to treat each other with a little more respect and understanding of each other's feelings."
"So," he said, rubbing his hands together, "that being said, who would like to go first?"
"Rachel?"
A faint chorus of 'Here we go...' could be heard throughout the chorus room.
"Actually, Mr. Shue," Rachel piped up, her voice having improved since earlier that day, "I have a regrettable announcement to make."
"Oh?"
She glanced over at Finn, who gave her his best encouraging smile.
"I've been dealt a devastating blow….a blow that will effect all of you as well. You will never again have the benefit of performing with me. My song has been forever silenced. I have been ordered by my doctors to never sing again."
"Shock. Horror." Puck said dryly.
"Obviously, Noah," she said stiffly, "although I've apologized to you a thousand times over, you're still bitter regarding the Run, Joey, Run debacle, and that is understandable, however…"
"However will we survive?" Quinn said, looking as though Christmas had come early that year.
"Way to be supportive, guys," Will scolded, trying to regain control of his students. He turned to Rachel. "Are you sure?"
Rachel nodded, handing him the doctor's note.
"I see…" was all Will could say in response.
"The doctors said she could rupture her vocal chords or something if she ever sang again…" Finn supplied.
"Do you know what this means?" Kurt said with a glint in his eye to Mercedes.
"SOLOS!" Kurt and Mercedes both squealed in unison, high-fiving each other.
"Well," she said huffily, folding her arms. "I'm glad to see the pleasure that you guys obviously get from my life being in absolute shambles!"
"Rachel, you can't just walk out without a hall pass…" Will said lamely, trying to stop her, but it was no use.
"Mr. Schue," Finn said, standing up and hoisting his back-pack over his shoulders. "Can I…"
"Way to grow a set, Finn," Puck said, shaking her head.
"Follow the Yellow Brick Road and maybe the wizard will grant you a spine," Santana said, narrowing her eyes.
"You know, you should probably see the wizard for a brain while you're at it," Mercedes began. "Do you not remember the way that doe-eyed diva humiliated you and played you like a fool…a WEEK A GO?"
"You know this is permanent, right?" Finn said, exasperated with the way they were all acting. "Guys, I know she can be a pain, but this is kind of a big deal."
"I'm sure she's just not explored all the options yet," Kurt said stiffly.
"The doctor referred her to a specialist, but he said that the specialist would just say the same thing…" Finn said. "I don't think there's an easy solution for this. She needs us right now, and you're just gaining up on her because you can? Guys, as people, you kinda suck right now."
"No, Finn," Quinn countered, standing up folding her arms over her now-sizable belly. "Finally, we get a chance to put Little Miss Man-Hands in her place. She always had this attitude like she was better than every one else. And yeah, she had real talent. Could've made it big, even. But now she's just like everyone else. Don't you get it? She doesn't have the spotlight anymore. Boo-freaking-hoo."
Finn said nothing, just glared at her.
"In the meantime," Kurt said, forgetting his guilt for the time-being, "tragic as it is that our songbird has been silenced, the show must go on. So," he finished, sitting down, turning to Will, "Fearless Leader, who gets her solos?"
Finn couldn't take it anymore. With a bang, his hand slammed against the choir room door on the way out.
Finn was so furious with them he almost missed Rachel sitting on the floor in between a row of lockers.
"You heard all that?" he asked, offering her a Kleenex.
"I should've expected as much," she said stiffly. "People don't like other people who are better than they are. They were threatened by me, as people always are when in the presence of greatness…and they were just waiting for their chance to tear me down."
"You know, everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is God's way of saying…"
"I'm Jewish. I'm used to persecution. But this isn't God. It just happened…I mean, I know it's no big deal to anyone else but me, but my voice is who I am."
"No it's not…Rachel…"
She put a hand up to stop him, leaned up and kissed him on the cheek.
"Thank you," she simply said, and turned around and walked off.
Finn didn't know it, but that would be the last thing he would hear from her in a very long time.
For the first time in her life, she was speechless.
She didn't talk for the rest of the week. Not to her dads, not to Finn. Not to anyone.
Not that anyone seemed to mind.
Her dads tried to convince her to see the specialist that the doctor recommended and she called and made an appointment, but she had absolutely no intention of going. She knew it was hopeless. She'd never sing again. Which meant she'd never be on Broadway, starring opposite the great Patti LuPone. She'd never hear a knock on her dressing room door, and it would never be her mother…
So she decided that she wasn't going to wait for the knock on the door anymore. She decided she would find out once and for all where she came from, what she was made of. She had to. So much of herself was missing. There was this big, gaping hole that had always been there growing up without a mother, and things were okay as long as she could be on stage, but now there was nothing was left. If she found her mother, at least something would be close to right again.
She didn't want to hurt her dads. They'd sacrificed so much for her, for her dreams. And now that dream was gone. So what was the point of staying? Rachel took one last look around her house and sighed, fighting back the tears that were about to flow all over again.
I-pod. Check. Tooth brush and tooth paste, she thought to herself. Check. After all, I'm about to be a high-school dropout. And high school dropouts don't usually have dental plans. Oral hygiene will be of the utmost importance.
A high school drop out. She was about to become a statistic she'd never thought she'd be. She was the over-achiever. Little Miss Straight-A's. She'd made the honor-roll ever since Kindergarten.
And she was about to throw it all away.
Months ago, colleges had already begun sending her brochures. Two weeks ago, recruiters began to call the house. She would have her pick of schools. Julliard, Boston College, Yale, all the best music schools wanted her. But now, that would have to change. She didn't know what the future held for her now.
After all, without her voice, what chance did she have of getting in anyway? Her voice was her ticket out of Lima. Her voice would get her a Hollywood Star. But she was never going to hear applause ever again.
The honk of the cab outside shook her out of her reverie. The die has been cast. She'd be singing Leaving on a Jet Plane if she could actually still sing…or afford a plane ticket. She had five hundred dollars in cash freshly withdrawn from her bank account. Before all this happened, she was going to use the money to buy a ticket to see Barbara Streisand in Cincinnati, but now it was going to have to last as long as possible. She knew her fathers were married in Boston, so she'd begin there. The bus was leaving in half an hour.
She wiped the few tears that she'd finally allowed to escape and with a sigh, locked the house, leaving her keys under the matt. Not like she'd need them anymore.
Destiny awaited…however grim or dismal it might seem right at the moment. That door was shut to her forever now. It was time to find another path.
"Going on a trip, miss?"
Rachel nodded.
"Lima Bus Station, please," she told him with a sniffle. The driver helped put her bags in the trunk. She leaned her head against the cool glass of the window and closed her eyes
Moving on is a chance that you take everytime you try to stay together. Say a word out of line and you find that the friends you had are gone-
Forever...forever.
So many faces in and out of my life, Some will last, some will just be now anad then. Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes- I'm afraid it's time for goodbye again.
Say goodbye to Hollywood Say goodbye my baby.
Say goodbye to Hollywood, Say goodbye my baby.
Normally, she'd be singing along at the top of her lungs, demanding that Mr. Shue allow them to do a Billy Joel mash-up at sectionals.
Sectionals…she'd let them all down.
Glee Club…
Jesse…Finn…Mr. Shue…Puck…she'd never see Quinn's baby…
She didn't even fight the tears this time.
She'd never see those people again.
"Turn it off!" she snapped at the cab driver. "Just…turn it off, please!
"I get it!" The cab driver said, shaking his head. " You're not a Billy Joel fan! Jesus Christ on a freakin' pogo-stick, girlie, you're being a bit dramatic, ain't ya?"
Silence.
"Don't you have school today?"
"Visiting relatives," she said. It wasn't exactly a lie.
"You go to McKinley High, right? Hey, I saw you guys performing on that Mattress commercial. You're pretty good!"
Her bottom lip quivered. That was the closest she'd ever get. People would never get to hear her sing again. The tears came unbidden now and they wouldn't stop.
"What? Did I say something?"
"I'm sorry," she said. "Just take me to the bus station, please."
"Sore subject. Got it," the cab driver replied, and they rode the rest of the way to the bus station in silence.
"Hope things get…un-shambled," the driver said as they arrived at the bus-station.
She nodded a thanks and as she dug into her wallet to get the cash to pay for her ride, she saw her new self starring back. Her brand new fake ID. It was the first law she'd ever broken. But it was necessary to do what she had to do. The ID she'd procured from one of Noah's less-than-upright friends, (a Tatooed, blue-haired boy who went by the name Spider) indicated she was eighteen years old and that her new name was Barbara Ann Starr.
She'd objected to the fact that her new fake birthday was in December. After all, nobody would believe she was a Capricorn and with a last name like Starr, how is one supposed to leave behind the life of a performer?
But it was a new name nonetheless that showed she was the appropriate age and that's all she needed. And besides, another ID would've cost more money, so she remained Barbara Ann. It was a new start. It meant she could leave Rachel Berry behind forever if she needed to.
She climbed onto the bus and spent the first two hours rehearsing her new name over and over again in her head before she let the highway lull her to sleep.
TBC…
Again, thanks for the feedback on the first version, it's much appreciated. Keep 'em coming! Next chapter is complete and is coming up as soon as it gets back from the beta!