TITLE: Life Goes On
AUTHOR: Dreamcatcher
EMAIL: peacejaw@yahoo.com
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: The series itself
ARCHIVE: Fanfiction.net Only!
DISCLAIMER: ER and its characters are copyright Warner Bros. Entertainment, Amblin Television, and Michael Crichton. No infringement is intended. This original piece of fan fiction is being written for entertainment purposes only, and I am gaining no monetary compensation for it.
This is a work of fiction. All characters and places discussed are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual places and locations, is purely coincidental.
SUMMARY: Rachel's adjustment to Mark's death
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I know that I caused my parents a lot of pain, tension, and aggravation. I also know that I caused Ella to O.D.; even if it wasn't on purpose. Yet life must go on.
Mom is taking me back to Saint Louis soon. I really don't want to leave Chicago. Surprisingly enough, I've come to look at Chicago as being my home… and no matter what, it will always be. Besides, daddy is buried here.
It's so hard to believe that daddy's gone. He knew that he was dying, but he took what time he had left and spent it with me trying to reach me. I almost waited too long to let him know that he did… and that I was grateful for him to try.
My life really sucks right now, but I know that I am not alone in that area. Elizabeth is having a hard time with daddy's cancer and now his death. I've heard her crying when she thought no one heard. I want to talk –to really talk- with Elizabeth, but I don't know if I can… much less I'm not sure how. I've wanted to talk with her for awhile, but the time hasn't been right.
Then there's Ella. Poor Ella. After all that I put her through, she's not going to really know daddy… not really anyway. She won't have any memories of him either. I think I know how to help make it up to her… even though it won't be the same. I aim to teach her everything that daddy taught me –especially about daddy and his family… the family history. It would be a lot easier if I could do that living in Chicago, but I know that I'm supposed to go back to living with mom. That doesn't mean I have to like it.
School's out for the summer… at least it is for me. Daddy had arranged for me to take my finals early so that we could spend our time together. The school understood the circumstances and made the arrangements quickly. The surprising fact is, though, I made decent grades this school year, despite the rocky circumstances.
It's a good thing, too, because I don't think I could handle going back to school right now. It would have been too easy to fall into the crowd that I hung around with before daddy's death. When daddy died, I promised him that I would get my life together… and I intend on doing just that. Hanging out with the old crowd would mean breaking my promise… and I cannot… no, I will not break that promise.
This summer is my transition period. I won't do drugs, drink alcohol, or smoke anymore. That is going to be a tough thing to do –especially now that I know exactly where and how to get the products. Mom told me that once we get back to Saint Louis, I have to go a counselor. What a bummer, but I don't blame her I guess. Mom knows that I will fight her every step of the way on it, but I am willing to give it a try… though mom doesn't need to know that yet. I am hoping, though, that I will get a good shrink because I need someone to talk to since I can't talk to mom… and I won't talk to Elizabeth right now. She has too much on her plate to deal with my problems right now.
If things go well, I'll see about spending more time with Elizabeth and Ella before school starts in the fall. I want to earn Elizabeth's trust and forgiveness. I think the process was started when Elizabeth came home and let me watch Ella while she tended to daddy, but at the same time she had no choice. Now she does… and I want to earn the trust. I do know that she is still understandably very angry with me… but I think Elizabeth is working on the issues.
At least she is trying and I admire her for that. I'm writing her a long letter telling her what I need to. I know it's not the same as telling her face-to-face, but at least it will get the job done… and she can read it when she wants to… and not have to worry about over reacting or something like that.
I've never done something like this before, so it's hard for me to do so. Yet I know that Elizabeth will read the letter… and given enough time, she will be willing to let me work on earning her trust and forgiveness.
In the meantime, though, I have to put my life together. I have something to prove, even if it's only to myself. There's a need in me to prove that I can make it…that I can make a positive difference in someone's life… as well as keep a promise to a wonderful father.
I know that I have to start with my own life and go from there.
I know that my daddy is dead…
I know that he will not be forgotten…
I know that daddy gave me the gift of life…
But he also gave me a new lease in life…
And life goes on…
And so must I!
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TBC