Hehe.. after starting to write a story which I had been intending to just be something short and sexy (but is ending up being a full blown story... a pointless one which is just a tool for strong emotional stuff but what the hell) I got this terrible image in my head concerning the phrase "Something short and sexy" which made me both cringe and choke on laughter which is hard to do at the same time... So this was born. I know it's only short, but it brought me great joy to write! Plus it's about one of the little written about, but hilarious, characters that I love so much!
Disclaimer: Discworld is Terry Pratchett's property (Wow! Owning a whole planet!) as are the characters... Except Elisa. She's just my poor doomed creation created solely for this short story.
Enjoy with a topping of whipped cream... *thinks about that with relevance to the story* actually scrap that. Just enjoy. Whipped cream should NOT come into this... *cringes*
Something short and sexy...
A young girl sat alone in a coach coming down from the mountains. Her tight red curls were pinned up into a messy but somehow elegant bun. She sighed and watched the mountains turn to plains. She had lived in a small Ramtop's village. It had been stifling for her. She was glad to be leaving. Her family had practically told her to. They had said she was too flash, too modern, to holywood for them. They'd given her a coach ticket to Ankh-Morpork as a present. She hadn't commented on the fact that it was a single. She had been sort of happy about it actually.
She continued to stare out the window.
The coach came to a halt. She looked towards the door of the coach to see who was getting on. She couldn't see anyone by the door. How strange, she thought. We must be stopping for something else then.
The door handle moved.
She let out a slight shriek.
The door opened slowly.
In stepped a dwarf. Actually it was mostly powdered wig. There was a dwarf under there somewhere.
He shuffled onto the seat across from her. He gave her a hopeful grin. She raised a delicate eyebrow questioningly. She could tell that the ride was about to get even more tiresome.
"Bonjour madame," said the dwarf, attempting a bow. This was difficult for two reasons. He was sitting, not an easy position to bow in, and there wasn't much dwarf to bow. If he did bow he'd bash his head on the seat. "My name is Casanunda. Giamo Casanunda, professional lover and ladder salesman extraordinary. " He waggled his eyebrows. The girl simply raised an eyebrow once more. Casanunda rummaged in an inside pocket of his red velvet jacket. "My card," he said, handing a small scrap of card over to the girl. the card was duly examined. The coach began to move again.
"It says 'worlds second greatest lover'?" she said after some time. Casanunda jumped off his seat and sat next to her, a little too close for her comfort. He grinned at her.
"I try harder," he said. She gave him the quizzical look again. She moved pointedly away from his hopeful smile. The gap was closed with incredible speed.
"Perhaps you could tell me your name, and why such a beautiful young lady as yourself is travelling alone?" said the dwarf. The girl could see that he was not taking the Hint.
"My name is..." she paused. Her name was somewhat plain. It did not befit a beautiful woman like herself. "My name is Elisa de Languard," she lied. It was partially correct. Her name was really Lisa, but the extra letter made it sound so much more sophisticated than Lisa. "I'm travelling to Ankh-Morpork."
"Ah. I too am headed for the pearl of cities," replied Casanunda.
"I said I was going to Ankh-Morpork," said Elisa.
"I know. that's where I am going too."
"Ah." They sat in silence for a moment, Elisa trying hard to ignore Casanunda's hopeful grin and the bulge that could be seen through his breeches.
"As you may have noticed, I am somewhat smaller than many men. Which can be a slight disadvantage to me. Hence my marital aid, " he patted the bulge in his breeches. Oh gods, thoughts Elisa. She didn't want to let herself think about what he might mean by 'marital aid'. The image was just too disturbing. She realised the dwarf was speaking to her.
"Pardon?" she said.
"I said would you like to see it?" Elisa looked panicky.
"See what?"
"My marital aid." Elisa went cross eyed. Had she just heard that right? This dwarf was offering to show her his marital aid?! Oh gods... She had intended to catch the attention of some charming young man once she reached the city, but this was just too much for her to bear.
"Nonono.. it's quite alright. I wouldn't want to trouble you. You just keep it where it is," she said very fast. The dwarf just grinned at her even more.
"I'll show you anyway. It's no trouble. Just give me a moment to get it out and up," he said. Oh gods, thought Elisa again. She slouched back and tried to cover her eyes. She heard a grunt from Casanunda and the sound of fabric being rummaged in. She let out a mental groan.
"Aha!" said the dwarf triumphantly. "Here we go. Have a look." Elisa froze.
"If it's all the same to you, I'd rather not."
"oh go on. It really is a very good one." Elisa's hand stayed firmly clamped over her eyes.
"I'm sure it's better than any of the ones you've seen before." Oh gods...
"I'm afraid I haven't seen any before so I wouldn't be able to make a comparison," she said in a slightly squeaky voice, loosing her composure. Casanunda seemed surprised.
"Wow. I knew the mountains were a bit backwards, no offence to you of course madame, but I would have thought even there..." he said, drifting off into silence.
"It's not something we approve of," said Elisa, hand still shielding her eyes.
"Wow. You mean you've never seen..." he said bafflement filling his voice. "I would have thought a woman like you would have seen dozens of them." Elisa gasped. He was insulting her! That was it. She whirled round and slapped him in the face leaving a nice glowing red mark.
"!" said Casanunda.
Elisa looked down.
"Oh."
In Casanunda's hands was a fold-away ladder.
"A ladder?" said said after an awkward moments silence.
"I thought you said you'd never seen one before?"
"I thought you meant it was a..." she went red. She shook her head. "Oh never mind." She got out of her seat and went to bang on the side of the coach, signalling for the driver to stop. When the coach came to a halt a few moments later she picked up her bags and got out the door. She nodded to Casanunda, slammed the door again and started walking back the way they had come.
Bugger that. If that's what I've got to put up with down here, I'm going back home.
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EEHHEEHEE! Ok, so you probably realised what it was anyway, but it was fun... review, you know you want to, even if it is just to tell me how crap, predictable and unfunny this is!