This a result of Neko-chan -Silvered Tongue- coming up with a new weird pairing, Mari Okada writing "Ai wa chi mamire" scene in the second Kuroshitsuji musical and substance abuse. Lots of it.
Warning: Sexual themes and Undertaker, well, being himself. Set during chapter 50 of manga (therefore spoilers).
Rain at midnight
It is hard to believe that after two straight days of almost tropical downpour, the heavens still have a single drop of moisture to spare. But there it is - the annoyingly dribbling, dripping drizzle. The just half-an-hour ago clear cerulean dome of the skies is obscured by the seemingly fragile but unbreakable screen of clouds. The bushes trimmed into startling shapes are fading into the dull mist outside the window.
Ciel sighs, looking up from the business report he is studying. He has nothing against the rain, in fact he rather enjoys it (from the inside the house, of course), but for once he wouldn't mind some sunshine.
There is a polite if brisk knock on the door, and Sebastian enters carrying a tray with his afternoon snack. Ciel idly wonders how his still officially deceased butler managed to sneak into the kitchen unnoticed, but decides against voicing his curiosity.
"Today's afternoon tea is first flash Darjeeling with a drop of lemon juice," his servant announces, pouring the aforementioned beverage into the fragile porcelain cup with an aplomb that never fails to irritate Ciel just a bit. Is there anything that Sebastian cannot make a show of? "I prepared cream tart with… is there something wrong, young master?" the butler enquires, raising an eyebrow quizzically.
"Not really." Ciel turns his stare back to the rain-streaked window. "I was just wondering if you should be going about preparing the tea right now."
"Does the young master have an alternative in mind?" Just a sliver of mockery in the silken voice, almost dismissible.
"I believe it is your funeral tomorrow," the young Earl says, regarding the butler from the corner of his uncovered eye. "Shouldn't you be lying at the mortician's, like all good corpses do?"
There is a subtle change in Sebastian's posture, likely imperceptible for anyone but his contractor, who has spent many hours trying to decipher the inner workings of the inhuman mind. The corners of the demon's lips slowly curve upwards. "Ah, how cruel of my Lord to force his faithful servant into the rain yet again. After all the overwork of the last two days too… "
"You are hardly in a position to argue, Sebastian." Ciel taps his eye-patch pointedly.
"Very well, young master. But who is going to take care of today's dinner preparations, I wonder?" The demon returns to fussing over the snack, the very picture of a model servant.
"Tanaka will do it. Until tomorrow he is the only butler of the Phantomhive household anyway." It's difficult for Ciel to keep a trace of smugness from his voice.
Once the door closes after Sebastian, Ciel carefully puts down the document, gets up from the desk, takes a worn-out looking magazine from the shelf and settles into the big armchair, slowly sipping his tea (with a drop of lemon juice).
"Rain again…." he mutters.
Tap, tap goes the rain, drumming some secret melody on the roof tiles. Tap, tap goes the insistent knock on the door for what must be the tenth time. Or maybe the fifteenth, he wasn't really counting. Undertaker tilts his head to the side and grins. Who might be calling on him on this rainy evening?
He gives an amused chuckle after discovering a thoroughly soaked but still impeccably composed demon outside. "Why, dear butler, come in! No need to stay outside in this horrible weather!"
The demon shoots him an annoyed glance but accepts the invitation.
"So what is the butler doing here without the Earl, hmmm? Came to try out your last abode?" With a sweeping gesture he indicates the black casket in the middle of the room.
The butler gives him a sunny smile. "Indeed I intend to. My master believes I should spend the rest of the day in a manner befitting someone about to be buried."
Undertaker dissolves into a lengthy fit of spastic giggling, almost doubling over. "My, my, I believe I will have to forgo my usual compensation next time Earl Phantomhive needs information." He straightens up finally. "Laughs such as these are hard to come by, mmm." He licks his lips.
The butler continues smiling, but something seems amiss because Undertaker suddenly finds himself staring at the curve of the pale lips and contemplating how they would feel on his skin, and if the little canines would scrape deliciously the length of...
He realises what the demon is doing, and the laughter bubbles up inside him once more. "Fufufu, I am flattered you are interested, butler!"
The demon's smile falters for a fraction of a second, but before either of them have the time to say anything a loud creak of the door's hinges, shaken by a less than dainty knock, announces the arrival of a new guest.
"Open up, Undertaker! I know you are in there, you old creep! Hurry up or you will have to say good-bye to that door!"
"Ahh, it would seem your employer has a great sense of premonition, hehe." Undertaker is instantly at the side of the coffin. "Care to take your place, butler? Or should I fill it with flowers first?"
The demon hurries, his coat flies into the far corner of the shop, raindrops describing silver arcs in the air. The coffin lid slams shut.
"It sure rains a lot here." Soma sighs, peeling his eyes from the murky contours of the house on the other side of the street. "Reminds me of the monsoon season".
"Shall I make some chai, prince?" The outline of Agni's figure reflected in the darkening glass.
"Chai? That's what Meena used to say when I wouldn't calm down." He smiles faintly and feels Agni's hand touch his shoulder. "I know. I will do my best to cheer up Ciel tomorrow!"
"Now, what can I do for you, Earl?"
There is a clear sound of footsteps and a faint one of water drops hitting the floor.
"You know I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the Queen's orders. As if I'd come to this den on my own." The speaker is obviously annoyed. "I need to inspect the body of Sebastian Michaelis, the butler to Earl Phantomhive."
"Li-i-e-e-s," Undertaker's voice is dripping with amusement. "You came to satisfy your own curiosity, didn't you, Earl?"
"Hmph. As if you actually care if it's her order or not."
Undertaker laughs.
"Now where is it? Or are you going to feed me riddles for half-an-hour again?"
"Patience, Earl, patience."
The scraping sound of the lid being pulled off; pale light hits his closed eyelids.
"You should admire the artist's work, Earl! Doesn't he look absolutely lovely?"
The insolent creature dares to trace his cheek with the tip of an overgrown nail.
"I don't care for your bizarre tastes. Take off his clothes."
"Whatever for? And I have just arranged them so nicely too." A mocking sigh.
"How else am I supposed to check the wound, you blockhead!" Grey is clearly losing his patience.
"Ah, but I am afraid it is not possible anymore." One can almost estimate the width of Undertaker's grin from the voice. "I have removed the 'guests' already. I think I still have the bottles somewhere."
A loud crash, followed by a series of clink-clank noises. "Aha, here is the best part! The heart! If you want I can find the liver and lungs too."
The sound Grey is making suggests he is fighting a gag reflex. "Get that thing out of my face! Who the hell asked you to!"
"I thought the Earl would enjoy the inspection, hihi. Ah, are you leaving already? It's pouring outside and your partner isn't back until tomorrow, you know."
A pregnant silence ensues.
A few beats later there is an audible sound of two bodies colliding. Another pause. Then, the squelch of lips meeting, the clicking of teeth, a contented sigh.
"Mmm, kidney pie…"
"It's not like you have any food in here! And why the hell does it always have to be in your bloody shop anyway?"
"But you enjoy it so much, Earl."
"Like hell I do."
"Shall I put the kettle on?"
"I have a better idea."
More shuffling and sucking noises.
"Close it."
"Ah, but it is a shame to hide such beauty, don't you think, Earl?"
"Unlike you, I still have some sense of decency left."
"More's the pity."
The lid clicks back into place, the darkness impenetrable once again. Something lands on top of the coffin with a resonating thud.
"Impatient, are we?"
"Shut up."
"Mmmph."
"Oooh."
"Yeees."
A stifled moan. "No, not yet…"
Sebastian decides he has had enough.
The drizzle turns into a full scale fall. Tiny watery snakes wiggle across the widow glass. The sun is setting, and Lizzy can no longer make out the silhouettes of the trees in the garden, but she keeps staring. A quite rustle of skirts alerts her to her mother's arrival. In a rare display of affection the Marchioness leans down and kisses the crown of golden hair.
"You should go to bed soon, dear," her mother says softly. "You do not want to be late tomorrow."
Lizzy looks up and smiles brightly. "Of course, mother."
The last thing Earl Grey sees is a horrifying black mass of disjointed appendages and gaping mouths rising slowly from the coffin. Then the darkness claims him.
"Tsk, tsk, butler." Undertaker clicks his tongue disapprovingly as he watches the demon smooth the creases of his butler's suit back to perfection. "Isn't that a violation of your beloved master's orders?"
"I do not believe the young master ever ordered me to play dead while two infidels are attempting to desecrate my last abode, as you eloquently put it." The butler smirks.
"I had no idea you were so touchy." Undertaker wags his finger in the air. "If you wanted to join in you could've always knocked, jealous demon."
Sebastian merely looks at him as if perplexed by the absurdity of the idea.
"Whatever shall we do know now that you have ruined the original entertainment?" Undertaker muses.
The demon looks at the prostrate figure on the floor, at the coffins lined along at the walls, and, finally, at the grinning Undertaker and shrugs. "Well, it is going to be long and rainy night. We might as well make the best out of it."
FIN