They say that if a colt and a mare love eachother, they will spend 50 dollars on eachother every day and then have uncomfortable sex at night involving copious amounts of BDSM and furry pornography. This is a true story, a story of love, and of friendship.
It was a sunny day in Ponyville, the birds were singing, the earth ponies were being good, conservative citizens because magic and flying are for satanists and lesbians, the unicorns were sacrificing small, supple, potentially autistic fillies to their dark lord, and the pegasi were enjoying The Village Ponies, or perhaps even My Little Chemical Romance.
In retrospect, maybe the earth ponies are right, in this case.
In any case, it was time for our heroine, Applejacker, to begin her duty of applebucking. Not appleFUCKING, but applebucking. Even people with bad porn names have standards, you freaks. Midway through, however, she started feeling... Strange. It was this anxious feeling, one that felt as if her loins were screaming "Rub here! You stupid bitch!", which led to Applejacker deciding now was a good time to abandon her standards and exercise her God given right to applefuck.
Taking one of the round, delicious, shiny apples, she rammed it directly into her urinary tract, tearing it open and causing a flood of urine, blood, ejaculation, and more blood to flood out in torrents, resembling a dam breaking and sending hordes of half-dead beavers over onto the jagged rocks below. As she did this, she rammed another one into her anus. This had much the same effect.
After finishing with all this, she decided it would be a good time to visit Twiedtubes and Dyke. She would surely find something more amusing than almost killing herself for sick sexual pleasure there.
At Twiedtubes house, at approximately the time Applejacker left Sweet Apple Rapers but before the time when she arrived but approximately at the time she was halfway to the library, Twiedtubes and Dyke were enjoying eachother's company in a very non-sexual way, if you happen to be delusional. In actuality, they were fucking. I mean FUCKING. It was like torrents of skeet and sex toys flying all over the place, possibly all over the world, with lots of screaming and potential deaths because Twiedtubes is a unicorn, therefore a satanist, therefore she enjoys killing and sacrificing.
"Oh Dyke, you're my number one assistant! I'll make sure the dark lord lets us be together in Hell!" Twiedtubes stated to Dyke, who was half-dead and had lost almost 60% of the blood in his body, his ovaries, and possibly he had ruptured a testicle.
"Twied for Satan's sake you're killing me stop it you dumb whore I'll kill you fuck off," said Dyke in a very nonchalant manner. Just then, Applejacker busted in with an M60.
"FULL... METAL... JACKET..." Applejacker murred, with her heavy M60 in mouth. Ah, yes, the M60. With it's 7.62x51mm rounds, it could murder a man in nanoseconds. This is compared to Goku, who could kill a man in only milliseconds, so you know the power level of this gun is fucking spectacular and you shouldn't even fucking fuck with this balla' of a gun.
Unfortunately, Applejacker couldn't carry The Pig, as it was called in 'Nam, because it was too heavy for her pony frame. "HRNG" she frustratedly screamed, "I'll just have to do this the hard way." Walking over to Dyke, she asked him "You may live and even rape me if you answer me these questions three, there my vagina you see. WHAT... IS MY NAME!" She screamed loud enough to make Twiedtubes anal cavity vibrate pleasurably.
"Applejacker," Dyke responded.
"WHAT... IS YOUR QUEST!" Applejacker vibrated her vocal cords enough to rip an ovary.
"To not have my anal cavity wrecked by fruit!" Dyke once again responded.
"WHAT KIND OF AMMO DOES THE M60 USE!"
"7.56- Wait, no-" But it was too late. His asshole was plugged very far into by the apple that Applejacker brought with her. He would never experience anal sex again, and in horror, he took the M60 that he could carry being a baby Dick-Dragon and shot himself to death. The body was never found, because even Nudity didn't care.
"So Twiedtubes" Applejacker asked, "What does y'all gay niggas do for sex around here?"
But Twiedtubes couldn't respond, instead staring in horror at a sight that Applejacker hadn't noticed. During the fight with Dyke, Strecock and Bloodfucker Sensei walked into the room and were masturbating.
"Oh fuck!" Said Bloodfucker Sensei, "We've been caught! Plan B! Plan B!"
Strecock pulled out an AKS-74u, and attempted to fire it at Twiedtubes... BUT IT JAMMED! Panicking, he reloaded it, but accidentally loaded the anti-human ammo instead of the anti-pony ammo. Such is life in the Zone, as they say.
"Shit! I think I loaded the wrong ammo!" Strecock screamed in horror.
"PLAN C!" Bloodfucker Sensei screamed. They then took their cocks out, molested Applejacker and Twiedtubes, and the bodies were once again never found, as Bloodfucker Sensei and Strecock drank all their semen and blood and urine and shit and smegma.
"Dear Princess Molestia,
"I am writing from beyond the grave to tell you that today I learned many things about friendship, namely, you shouldn't be friends with psychotic southern ponies who ram apples into their urinary tracts and own M60s they can't even carry. You also shouldn't rape your number one assistant and especially you shouldn't try to sacrifice him. True friends will ALWAYS treat you well, and will never subject you to that kind of horror.
"Also, if you see Bloodfucker Sensei and Strecock? Run. Fucking run. You don't know what you're getting yourself into.
"Your faithful student, Twiedtubes Snarkle."
Author's Note: Rate 5 out of 5 and give me sparkling reviews, darlings! Thanks to my friend who I shouldn't name for giving me a few ideas for this fic!