Smile Back

Summary: After grieving the loss of his son with Seska, Chakotay and Kathryn share their thoughts on children.

Notes: Yeah, so just a heads-up: Things with Seska turn out a bit differently in my AU. I don't get too spoilerific here (that one big big plot twist is not mentioned), and you don't need to know the specs for this story. Just know that it's different.

The past month had been a difficult one, to say the least.

By the time Kathryn ordered Tuvok to leave her and Chakotay behind on New Earth, they had already known for months that Seska was pregnant with his child—a child she had conceived with stem cells stolen from his unconscious body while he had been strung up from the ceiling of a Kazon holding cell. During their time alone together on that planet, he had seemingly put that fact out of his mind, and found healing.

Of course, Voyager had returned for them. For one month after that, she and Chakotay had enjoyed peace and stability as they carefully stepped beyond the parameters of her self-prescribed isolation and into a cautious romance. For one month, they had been genuinely happy.

Then, Seska resurfaced, claiming that she and the child were in danger. The crew braced themselves for a trap as they went after her, but found that—for once—the Cardassian spy had been telling the truth. Unfortunately, they had been too late to save Chakotay's son.

For a month, he grieved for a child whom he had never met or even wanted. For a month, Kathryn couldn't reach him at all. It wasn't until Neelix and Kes announced their plans to get married that Chakotay began to smile again. It didn't reach his eyes just yet, but at least it was there.

"I've always wanted to have children," he finally admitted to Kathryn one night after a quiet dinner in her quarters. "I never doubted that I would. But, life had other plans, and it kept getting put off until—" He sighed heavily. "When i joined the Maquis, I just accepted that it probably wasn't going to happen for me. And, I was honestly okay with that, because I was fighting for other people's children. But this... this is not how I imagined it would happen."

Silent tears streaked Kathryn's cheeks as she took his hand in hers. She'd wanted children, too, once. Instead, she had a hundred and fifty crew under her command, and that would be the closest she could ever come to having a family.

If Chakotay stayed with her, it would be the closest he could ever come, as well.

The thought put ice in her blood and twisted the blade in her heart. He would make such a good father, but because of me, he never will be. Because I cannot afford to be distracted from my crew like that.

Then, another voice echoed in her mind. Stop being so self-centered, Kathryn. This isn't about you and your pity party right now.

So, she reached her other hand up to cup his jaw before gently pressing her lips to his. "You would be such a wonderful father," she whispered. "I hope someday you get the chance."

"So do I," he admitted. "But, I've only ever met one person who I'd want to have children with, and she's already got a hundred and fifty of them to take care of first."

Kathryn felt the air rush out of her lungs. "Oh, Chakotay." She saw him bracing for the impact of her emotional withdrawal, afraid he'd overstepped her parameters again. A month ago, that's exactly what she would have done. This time, the corners of her mouth tugged upwards as she told him truthfully, "They're just as much yours as they are mine."

He smiled at her words, and it finally reached his eyes.

When Kathryn woke up the next morning, that same dimpled smile was the first thing she saw. "Time to go take care of the kids," he teased.

And she smiled back.