"For fuck's sake David how lame can you get?" Max groused. The whole camp was outside today, supervised by the typically-lame David.
"Aw, I know you don't really mean that, little buddy!" David pumped his arm with characteristic cheer, apparently oblivious to Max's obvious contempt.
"Of course I fucking mean it, that's why I said it! You're lame. You're not cool. You're square. You are the opposite of everything enjoyable in the world!" He paused a moment to let all that sink in. "Also, your face is stupid."
"You..." David's smile became a little strained. "You think I'm square?"
"Well you're NOT A FUCKING CIRCLE!" Max yelled with his hands thrown up into the air.
"I... I see..." David turned around quickly. He didn't want Max or the other campers to see the tears starting to well up in his eyes. "I-I need to... go... do something. You campers be good!" And with that, he took off for the safety of the Counselors' Cabin.
"Good riddance," Max said, his hands returned to his hoodie and his expression to resting bitch.
"Uh..." Neil glanced left and right. "Weren't we in the middle of something here?" Despite his concern, nobody noticed-or cared-as Space Kid crashed to the ground, a victim of the counselors' decision to do trust fall exercises with the most untrustworthy group of children on the planet.
"Who the fuck cares?" Max started plodding back to the tents.
"ANARCHY!" Nikki immediately took the opportunity to declare a dissolution of traditional authority and the instatement of a chaotic form of self-politic. Nurf punched someone in agreement.
"Gweeeeeeeeennnnnn~" Gwen let out a deep sigh when the voice of her co-counselor floated through the door, followed shortly by the man himself. At least the credits were rolling right now on the TV. If she could wrap up whatever dumb emergency this was quick enough, she might not miss more than half an episode out of the Desperate Werewolves marathon running today.
"What do you need, David," she asked, not bothering to look up from the TV.
"Gwen, do you think I'm... Do you think I'm... square?"
"David please, you're the squarest guy I-" she stopped what she was about to say when she looked up and saw a tearful David before her. "...don't... know. At all. Because. You are not square."
David sniffed. That seemed to cheer him up a little bit. "You really mean it?"
Gwen's eyes darted left, then right, and she sunk a little deeper into her armchair. She just couldn't bring herself to confirm it.
David's face fell again. "You don't mean it." Incredibly, he managed to keep it together at least long enough to collapse on the other armchair beside Gwen. "Oh, Gwen, when did I become a square? I used to be so... so radical!"
"Uh... wasn't that kind of slang a little dated even when we were kids?" David turned his teary eyes on Gwen again, and she immediately felt the need to comfort him. "I mean... look, David, you don't need to be cool, or whatever. You have other good points."
He sniffed. "Like what?" he asked hopefully.
"Like, uhh... knots? Knots are kind of cool, I guess? And... other... stuff...?"
"Aw, Gwen, you always do know just how to cheer me up," David said, returning more-or-less to normal. Then his face went thoughtful. "But... if the kids think I'm a square, will they really listen to me? Maybe I need to... change my image, a little bit. You know, get some pointers from someone... Ah!" Suddenly he lit up. "I just need someone to teach me how to be cool! And I happen to know the coolest person at this camp!" He was beaming conspiratorially at Gwen.
"Oh... oh!" Gwen responded exactly as you'd expect to the unexpected ego-stroking. "Well, I mean, ha ha, I don't know if I'd say the 'coolest,' but-"
"THE QUARTERMASTER!" David's enthusiastic conclusion shattered Gwen's expression like a brick through a window.
"Okay, that, that is objectively the worst idea you have ever had and-"
"AND WE'RE BACK WITH MORE DESPERATE WEREWOLVES! WILL BEA STAY WITH THE SEXY EDUARDO, OR WILL SHE CHOOSE THE RUGGED JAKE? STAY TUNED FOR THE HOWLING CONCLUSION!" The TV suddenly blared. Gwen's attention immediately snapped back to the screen.
"I'm glad we had this great brainstorming session, co-counselor! I'm off to find the Quartermaster now!" And with that, David ran out the door, as Gwen halfheartedly waved him off, her attention completely absorbed by werewolf romance.
"Isn't that kind of dangerous to try to do unsupervised?" Neil asked, as Nikki let fly an arrow. It pinged off of Space Kid's helmet, completely missing the apple perched on his head. "Hoh, almost got it!" Space Kid called enthusiastically.
"Oh please, as if we aren't already unsupervised ninety percent of the time anyway," Max chimed in. "This hellhole has to be in violation of like... every child neglect and endangerment law on the books."
"Yeah I think this is the fifth or sixth time I've declared anarchy now. It's getting kinda samey," Nikki said, nocking another arrow.
"We could, I don't know, raid the camp kitchen for snacks and give them to the other campers in exchange for favors?" Neil suggested halfheartedly.
"We did that last week," Max snapped, rolling his eyes. "Fuck's sake, David's been gone for two hours, we should be wrapped up in some wacky B-plot by now. Like those idiots." He jerked his thumb at Nerris and Dolph, who were busily putting the finishing touches of glitter glue and "goat's blood"-ketchup, rather, swiped from the kitchen-on a magic circle that was meant to summon a being of pure elemental coolness to this mortal plane.
"Who knew magic camp and art camp were so compatible?" Neil asked, watching as the Quartermaster interrupted them.
"You damn kids! Do you know how long it takes to drain a goat into each of these little bottles?" He swiped the "ketchup" from Nerris, then stomped away, grumbling to himself. It was at that moment when the spell activated, sending sparks of radical coolitude in all directions, but that's like a D-plot at best, so no one of any significance really noticed or cared.
"Well, I guess not every day can be full of shenanigans and wacky antics," Neil shrugged. That was when Preston came onto the scene, arms full of promotional pamphlets.
"ALL OF YOU! Come to the opening show for my new play tonight! It's a DEEP EXAMINATION of mankind's inherent need to RISE UP and claim his FREEDOM from the shackles of UNJUST AUTHORITY!" Preston immediately got to work handing out ads to the trio.
"Isn't this camp about as free from any kind of authority as it's possible to get?" Neil asked.
"A TRUE ARTIST CAN WORK WITH ANYTHING. Besides, I've realized there's always an even higher authority to rebel against: GOD HIMSELF!" Preston accentuated his statement with an angry fist raised to the sky.
"Hey, look at you, growing some artistic integrity," Max praised him. Then he threw the pamphlet back in his face. "We're not interested. We've got better things to do, right guys?"
"Uhhhh, not really," Nikki said.
"Yeah, we were just complaining about not having anything to do…"
"Oh come on, you're not seriously considering seeing his stupid play-"
"EXCELLENT!" Preston interrupted. "I SHALL SEE YOU ALL IN THE FRONT ROW!" With that, he skipped off to advertise to Nerris, Dolph, and Shades Kickflipiccus the First, reigning monarch and champion skateboarder of the plane of elemental coolness.
Max dragged his hands down his face in exasperation. "Whatever, let's go somewhere else." The three of them left the area. Space Kid tried to follow, but fell on his face as his cape was unfortunately pinned to the tree with an arrow.
"Oh boy am I glad I finally caught up to you!" David jogged up to a disinterested Quartermaster, who was heading back to the mess hall. "I've been looking for you for almost two hours!"
The Quartermaster gave no indication of acknowledgment beyond an indifferent grunt. David plowed on ahead regardless, now walking alongside him with a pep in his step. "I need to get your advice! See, I think I might actually be… and don't laugh, I know it sounds silly! ...But I think I might be a little… square! So I was hoping you'd be willing to teach me a little bit about how you manage to be so cool and aloof all the time!"
They'd entered the mess hall during that spiel. The Quartermaster threw open the pantry, tossed the ketchup bottle inside, then slammed it shut again. Only then did he turn his lidded eyes toward David. "What," he said flatly.
"Iiiii KNOW! It's silly of me to worry about something like that-I mean, I'm obviously NOT a square, but it doesn't hurt to take in a few pointers!" David did a little jig as he spoke.
"..." The Quartermaster sniffed. Then he turned back toward the entrance, ready to get back to the day's duties.
"Oooookay! I'll just follow you around and see if I can't… pick up a few things by osmosis! Quartermaster and David, two cool guys doing cool things! Yeah!"
The dynamic duo's first stop was the pier. At the end of the pier, someone-the Quartermaster, probably-had set up a pair of fishing rods with their lines cast out into the lake.
"Oooh fishing! That's great! I bet you're a great fisherman!" At David's effusive praise, the Quartermaster paused and glanced forebodingly at the counsellor, who backed off immediately. "Ahaha don't let me get in your way, just keep going about your day. It'll be like I'm not even here…" David pulled out a notepad and pencil, staring intently as the Quartermaster turned back to his work.
The Quartermaster's first order of business was to reel in the first line. With a grunt of effort, he gave the line a tug, turning the reel as he did so. He'd definitely caught something! With one more mighty pull, a huge fish emerged from the water.
"Wow, QM!" David's eyes shined in admiration. "That's the biggest largemouth bass I've ever seen! I guess we'll be having fresh fillets for dinner today!"
But the fresh caught fish fillets were not to be, as the Quartermaster unhooked the fish from the line and tossed it back into the water. "Oh," David said. "I guess you're just about the sport of it, huh? Well, I bet that fish certainly appreciated it!"
Not even being delayed by his peppy audience, the Quartermaster moved on to the other rod. This one seemed easier to reel in, and when it emerged from the water, he'd caught…
"A boot! Well, I guess they can't all be big catches like that one, huh?" David ribbed the old man good-naturedly, but the Quartermaster only ignored him. Instead, he looked the boot over, then made something like a grunt of approval before untangling it from the line and resetting the rods. Then it was off to the next destination, an old waterlogged boot wedged under his arm.
Not missing a beat, David knew exactly what was going on: "Ah! Doing your part to clean up the lake! What would we do without you, Quartermaster?" he said, before following him away.
"What's even the point of having the camp to ourselves if everyone's just going to do what they usually do?" As usual, Max was complaining. Before him, Nikki, and Neil, Ered was preparing to drop into the halfpipe.
"Well, if David were here, he'd probably make Ered wear a helmet at least...ooh," Neil said, cringing a bit as a helmetless Ered wiped out in spectacular fashion.
"How does she DO IT!" Nikki shouted, stars in her eyes. "I wanna look that cool when I'm breaking my bones!"
"Somebody should probably call a doctor for her," Neil said.
Fortunately for Camp Campbell's legal budget, Ered got up and dusted herself off. She flashed a thumbs up in their direction before limping around the halfpipe to do it again.
"Whatever, let's keep going," Max said. The three continued their tour of the camp.
"Hey, what do you think David and Gwen are doing, anyway?" Nikki asked.
"Gwen's watching her stupid werewolf romance marathon today and David's probably out being a fucking idiot," Max replied.
"Gwen blew off a whole day of camp activities to watch a bunch of extra hairy C-list celebrities eyefuck each other on TV? This camp really is a fucking disaster," Neil said.
"Tell me about it. I'd still be trying to get away from this shitshow if everywhere else wasn't just as fucking bad." Max slowed down and looked around. "Hey, where'd Nikki go?"
Max and Neil glanced around. "She was just behind me… oh fuck." Neil grimaced, seeing Nikki several paces behind them, covered in at least a dozen squirrels. "Nikki! Those things are dangerous!"
For her part, Nikki was delighted to have so many new friends climbing on her. A squirrel with an eyepatch was perched on her arm, chittering excitedly to her as she listened intently.
"Mhmm, mhmm, okay, right," she said, replying to whatever the squirrel was telling her. Neil kept his distance, memories of his last encounter with a rowdy gang of "Secret Scared Dark Elves" fresh in his memory, but Max walked right up to her.
"What the fuck are those things telling you?" Max got right to the point.
"Shhhh!" Nikki shushed Max, then returned to her conversation with the squirrel. A few moments later, she looked back at Max. "Well my squeakese is a little rusty, but I think they want us to help them! Something about an unjust tyrant, and reclaiming their freedom..." She started vibrating with excitement. "Ooh! Let's do it Max! Let's help these cute little guys out!"
"Oooooh no!" Neil allowed himself to edge a little closer to the action, so he could properly lodge an argument against. "We are not getting wrapped up in some shitty sciurine political AAH MY FACE!" At the eyepatch squirrel's command, a platoon of squirrels had leapt the gap from Nikki to Neil, and were now chewing on his face.
"Wow. Uh. Okay let's get wrapped up in some shitty sciurine politics. Why not," Max said, somewhat disturbed by what he was witnessing here.
"Yeah! Let's go depose an illegitimate ruler!" Nikki leapt for joy, as Neil rolled around on the ground shouting profanities.
"Wow, Quartermaster! I had no idea how much work you put in to keeping the wolf population at a stable level!" David was smiling, but a twitch of the eye spoke to some deep repression.
"Hm," the Quartermaster grunted. They were now deep in the darkest part of the woods. Only the Quartermaster's handy candle hand lit the way.
"I gotta say! You do so much for us, QM! Cleaning up the lake, cooking our meals, keeping things in order, and still having the time to greet visitors with a hug!" David was, of course, referring to the FBI agent they had encountered earlier and… silenced. "But boy, the day sure is getting away from us! I'm afraid I'll be heading back to camp after this next job. Say… where exactly are we headed, anyway…?"
The Quartermaster halted, but not to answer David. Instead, he lifted his hook hand to the wall of foliage, and parted it to reveal…
"My… gosh!" David gasped in horror.
Before them was the ravaged ruins of the squirrel kingdom. No rainbows and green meadows here; only rows of tilled dirt where squirrels toiled under the harsh and unforgiving sun. David could only look on in shock as the Quartermaster strode through the fields and finally sat down on a bloodstained throne to oversee his country. "What… is this?"
Shortly after, a squirrel approached the throne, clearly frightened. It attempted to appeal to the Quartermaster with a series of adorable chirps and squeaks. He seemed to consider it for a moment, nodding his head and grunting in thought… then he pulled the boot from the pier out from where he'd been keeping it.
The squirrel fell to its knees, clearly begging, but the Quartermaster was unfazed as he put the boot on and raised his foot over the rodent.
That was when another squirrel interrupted. The Quartermaster froze, one foot still in the air. The other squirrel presented to him a single large bag, the fruits of the vast fields they were forced to farm.
The Squirrel King lifted the bag up, examining its contents: several pounds of large potatoes, the most important ingredient to his special mashed potatoes.
He grunted in approval. "The harvest is acceptable. You and your kin may live another day."
"What the holy fucking shit?" A nasally voice rang across the glade. It was Neil, face badly scratched up, emerging from the trees with an equally horrified Max and Nikki.
"That is fucked. Up," Max declared.
At that moment, the eyepatched squirrel, leader of the rebellion, leapt atop Nikki's head and declared the start of the greatest battle for freedom in all of squirrel history. Across the clearing, squirrels threw down their adorable tiny farming tools, retrieving equally adorable weapons from their hiding places. War cries echoed, and the squirrel army descended upon the tyrannical king.
"You fools! I am your king!" The Quartermaster shouted, beating off various woodland creatures that were aiming for his throat.
"Is anybody else worried that deposing a tyrannical ruler like this without some sort of plan in place won't just lead to a power vacuum that could be filled by someone even worse?" Neil questioned.
"Neil. They're fucking SQUIRRELS," came Max's reply.
"I don't care! I need to get in on this!" Nikki yelled with enthusiasm, before letting loose her own battle cry and leaping into the fray.
"So tell me why we're tied up too?" Max asked. In the aftermath of the Great Squirrel War for Independence, David, the Quartermaster, Max, Neil, and Nikki now found themselves tied to the very throne the battle had been fought over.
"I might've forgotten which side I was on a few times," said Nikki. "Something about those squirrels is just so kickable! You know?"
"This fucking sucks," said Neil flatly.
"Neil, watch your language. Especially when we're begging for our lives…?" David appealed to the eyepatch squirrel. The squirrel raised a paw toward the group, seemed to consider for a moment… then directed a thumbs down at them (an impressive feat for a creature with no thumbs).
A rope was cut, letting loose the catapult and sending the throne-and all of them with it-flying into the air.
"SOMEONE HIT THE BRAKES ON THIS THING!" David screamed as they flew through the air.
"THERE ARE NO BRAKES! HOLY FUCKING SHIIIITTTTT!" Max was also screaming at the top of his lungs.
"THIS IS AMAZINGGGG!" Nikki, on the other hand, was having the time of her life.
"Hm." The Quartermaster only grunted.
"It's a FULL HOUSE out there!" Preston noted to himself, peeking around the curtains. There were at least four people seated in front of the amphitheatre; a bigger crowd than expected!
"SPECIAL EFFECTS!" He called, prompting Space Kid to appear with a salute. "Are the pyrotechnics ready?"
"Fireworks are set!" Space Kid said. "I lit all of them!"
"You… lit them?"
"Every single one!"
"You IDIOT!" Preston shouted at an oblivious Space Kid. "Most of those aren't supposed to go off until act THREE! Get back there and PUT THEM ALL OUT!"
Space Kid gave him another enthusiastic salute. "Yes sir! Uh… do you hear something?"
Seconds after, something big came crashing down from the sky, totally obliterating the stage. At the same time, a metric ton of fireworks exploded from backstage, engulfing everything that wasn't already destroyed in flames as multicolored sparks flew everywhere.
Preston looked on in despair. He fell to his knees, fists raised to the sky. "My play is RUINED! RUINED by a CRUEL and UNCARING GOD!"
Against all logic, everyone managed to survive the crash with only minor injuries. "Is everyone alright?" asked the very disoriented David.
"Howwww did we survive that?" Max was shocked. Then he turned to David. "How the fuck did YOU survive that?" he demanded.
"Magic of the stage," the Quartermaster grumbled, already using his hook to cut the ropes around everyone.
Then there was silence for a bit, as everyone tried to take in… whatever the hell just happened.
"You guys... are the coolest!"
"Uh whaaaa?" Neil was starting to shake off the whiplash, but Shades Kickflippicus the First's words still made him do a double take.
"How was any of that cool?" Yelped David.
To this, the monarch of the plane of elemental coolness placed a comforting hand on David's shoulder. "My man, there are many things that people call cool. Cool words, cool kicks, cool whip. There are as many ways to be cool as there are people. But at the end of the day, the only true path to coolitude is… extreme stunts!"
Shades Kickflippicus jumped back and threw his hands up in excitement. "I mean did you all SEE that?! They all went like fwoosh and then like crash, and then the whole place went like BOOM! That was SO RAD!" Then he pulled himself back together. "But that's enough playing around with you humans for now. Alas, it is time I return to my kingdom."
Nerris and Dolph were immediately at his side, tugging on his spikey belt. "But Mr. Shades!" Nerris cried. "We don't want you to leave!"
"Ho ho, there there you little… whatever you are. I must go now, but that doesn't mean I have to be gone!"
Dolph looked up at him, teary eyes widening in bittersweet understanding. "Herr Shades… a little piece of you vill alvays be in our hearts."
"Actually that's the cholesterol from those deep fried Mountain Dew Doritos I showed you all how to make. Anyway, gotta go now! Peace out!"
And with a flash of light, Shades Kickflippicus the First, reigning monarch and champion skateboarder of the plane of elemental coolness, disappeared from this decidedly uncool realm. Nerris and Dolph broke down crying. A little ways away, Ered leaned against a tree, pretending not to care as she tossed a deep fried dorito into her mouth.
Shortly after, most of the campers had dispersed from the still-on-fire ruins of the stage...
"I think," a slightly traumatized David said, "I don't want to be cool anymore."
"Well it doesn't fucking matter because you're still just. Super fucking lame," Max said, the last one on the stage with David.
"Yeah," David sighed. "I know."