The author does not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of it's characters. The Author also does not own the French Erotic Film. The author does, however, own Australia.
Hello and welcome, folks, to the new NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD! (Cue Army wake-up call on the bugle) Now I expect a lot of reviews, because I'm not getting any on my other fics. And if there are any Gundam Wing fans out there, please go read my fic Eternal War, because no one wants to review me over there except Brax the Great, God bless his soul.
But You didn't come here for my rantings, did you? REVIEW ME OR DIE!
NERV Psychiatric Ward
Chapter One: Australia Gets Squashed and Other Shit Like That
"Ello, mate. What can aye do for-" SPLAT.
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"BARNEY!"
"VROOOAAAAAAAAAAAR!" Translation: I am NOT Barney, Dammit!
Unit 01 stomped on the Australian Prime Minister, sending several kangaroos running. Heaving the positron rifle, it squeezed off a shot, blowing Australia's sole tank off the face of the earth.
"Shinji!" Rei called from Unit 00 "Shall I take out Doctor Evil, or do you want me to get rid of the giant stuffed Sailor Moon plushie?"
"Hit the Plushie!" Shinji yelled, squeezing off a shot at the Ayers Rock Cereal Plant. "I'll have Asuka take out Doctor Evil!"
Shinji has no internal monologue, soooo…
"Oooh, Father's going to be sooooo proud of me!" Shinji squealed. "My first country! I'm taking over my FIRST COUNTRY!"
"Hey, idiot!" Kawouru yelled. "I see a big Kangaroozilla coming your way!"
"Fuck off, bitch!" Shnji yelled at Kawouru, giving the silver Evangelion the Finger of Doom.
The massive orange Kangaroo stomped closer, leaving footprints the size of Lilith's Gazoombas in it's wake. The Author's green Unit 05 kept prodding it in the ass (And WHAT AN ASS!) with the Lance of Longinus.
The Author grumbled on and on. Grumble. Grumble grumble grumble. GRU-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-UMBLE!
"NO!NONONONONONONONONONO! I'LL KILL IT MYSELF! Ooo, father's going to be SOOOO Proud! My first Godzillaroo! (The Author can't decide between Kangaroozilla and Godzillaroo, so he'll just keep rotating the names)"
"Hurry up and kill it, Third!" Asuka screamed, chomping down on her Emergency Rations Bar, the red Eva practicing it's death glare on several Australian mice that looked strangely like the ones from The Rescuers Down Under. "We need a big slab of meat for the NERV Father's Day Barbecue, and Mommy wanted to try her hand at the family recipe for Giant Kangaroos!"
"Okay, okay." Shinji sighed. "Toji, Kawouru, draw a Sumo ring out on Ayers Rock. We'll duel there!"
The ring was drawn.
"Yippy yippy yay yay!" The Eva Cheerleading squad, consisting of Rei, Asuka, and Toji, all in their respective Evas, tried out their new cheers, the new Eva-size Miniskirts and Sweaters bearing the name Team NERV flapping wildly in the wind.
"All right, mate you're goin' down!" The low rasp of the Kangaroo's pilot hissed over the comm.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" Rei squealed in delight, doing the Crazed Fangirl Thing "The KANGAROO HUNTER! OMIGOD, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D GET TO MEET YOU! THIS IS, LIKE, SOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!"
"Ready…Steady…GOOOO!" The Author yelled, the big green Unit 05 shooting off it's popper gun.
"VROOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!"
"YE'R GOIN' DOWN, MATE!"
The two behemoths pushed at each other, locked in combat, until…
"Right hook! YEAH!" Unit 01 punched the stuffing out of Kangaroo. "LEFT! RIGHT! LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFTRIGHTLEFTRIGHT OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"
Unit 01 collapsed. Shinji kneeled down in the cockpit, clutching his balls. Unit 01 tried to copy these movements, but found that it had no balls.
"Haha! Gotcha, lit'l bastard!" TheKangaroo Hunter laughed, his Kangaroo's right leg still in it's kicking position. "That'l teach ya to-oh shit."
"VROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!"
(Cue Track 15 of Escaflowne Movie Original Soundtrack, Wat'cha gonna do?)
The purple Eva jumped up, it's mouth guard breaking off. It beat it's chest, orange, veined wings breaking out of it's back. "ME TARZAN YOU JANE!" Unit 01 screamed, plunging it's hand into Godzillaroo's (The Author has decided. It's Godzillaroo.) little pouch thing. It yanked out it's stomach, and then, grabbing the Lance from Unit 05, started plungingsaidpointy objectin and out of the dying Kangaroo, screaming "MINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINE!" all the while.
DIVIDER IS HERE! NEW SECTION NOW! SCREWED UP!
The NERV Annual Make-a-Barbecue-out-of-Rotting-Angel-or-in-this-case-Kangaroo-Parts was always a huge success. This was mainly because Gendo required everybody to come, and he had Unit 01 come and pay the offending person a visit if said person didn't come (CoughCoughHackHackReiCoughStrippdancingCough), and it was Gendo's birthday, which meant everybody's favorite bastard got to dock a week's pay from your salary if you didn't get him the assigned present.
He assigned Shinji a Surprise! Present, which for you idiots out there meant Shinji got to get Daddy whatever the hell Shinji felt like.
Needless to say, the tale will quench your thirst for perverseness.
SEMI-DIVIDER IS HERE! EVEN MORE SCREWED UP!
"Hello, everybody, and welcome to the NERV Annual Kangaroo Barbecue Thingy." Sexy Fyutsuki (NOTE FOR THE HUMOR IMPAIRED: MAJOR JOKE HERE!) oozed in his seduction voice. Asuka did the Fangirl Thing. "I trust you'll all have a wonderful time at my new ten-square-kilometer Evangelion Cage Number Six turned Disco Funk House of Fuytsuki. Now let's get some nice relaxing music from Randommmm Rockstarrr!"
Fyutsuki did the Disco thing all the way off-stage and was replaced by said singer. Misato, Ritsuko, Kaji, and Gendo did the Fangirl thing.
It was a dark, disco-tized Cage, with a solid oak dance floor, flashing multi-colored lights, and a five-hundred-ton Disco Ball of Doom hanging from the ceiling. It had taken all six Evas, including the Author, to hang that thing. This was probably because they made the glue out of Zureul's little skull-mask type thingy, and it was going for Unit 01's throat constantly.
Random (Rockstar)finished.
Fyutsuki disco'ed all the way back to the microphone at dead center stage.
"And now that I have your attention, folks," Sexy Fyutsuki smiled "I can start our BARBECUE FROM HELL! Go, Shinji!"
Unit One stalked out of the doors from Cage Five, bringing the Godzillaroo corpse out on the Lance of Longinus. On Unit 01's horn, the Kangaroo Hunter himself was staked out, the maggots picking merrily through his lungs.
"CUE!" Sexy Fyutsuki roared, and a massive, roiling mass of massive fire was amassed at the massing point in the back of the massive Cage. Unit 01 stalked over, and started to roast the Godzillaroo.
"Now that that's over with," Sexy Fyutsuki grinned "I would like to announce that it's our favorite (And only, thank god) Commander's Birthday! And, in addition to the several million tons of presents in the Cage Seven next door, I've taken the liberty of inviting Gendo's favorite singer today! I present to you (BEEP)!"
Said artist (You figure it out! Twit.) started a favorite song of Gendo's. The Author doesn't want to have to add another part to the disclaimer, so he'll just say the song involved the phrase 'Don't stop till you're getting up' and 'Sh'bone'.
Gendo did the Disco thing and failed miserably.
"Ooh…" Sexy Fyutsuki cringed. "Anyway, we'll start on Gendo's presents now… HERE'S PRESENT NUMBER ONE!"
A large dump truck rolled in, wrapped in Christmas paper, revving it's engine. It released it's load.
"RITSUKO!" Gendo jumped up happily. "YOU REMEMBERED!"
"Check out the cargo, dolt." Said doctor smiled evilly.
"Oh…" Gendo gasped, staring at the 5,000 small boxes that the truck released. It was from Trojan. It was the kind of thing a father gets when it's time to have 'The Talk'. It was 'Small'.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Gendo cried. "YOU FUCKING BITCH! THAT'S NOT NICE AT ALL!"
Gendo ripped off his pants.
"OH MY GOD!"
"EVIL!"
"STAY BACK, SATANICALLY MASSIVE ONE! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!"
"Well," Misato remarked "Now we know where Shinji got his. I need to replace Ritsuko sometime soon (cocks Desert Eagle)."
"Ouch!" Sexy Fyutsuki remarked "That's just nasty. Congratulations to Doctor Akagi for being more evil than the Birthday Boy. Next present."
"Here, Commander." Rei said, handing the commander a long thin package. She then disappeared in a flash of 'Essence of AT Field'.
"Why, thank you, Rei!" Gendo smiled that gay smile of his. "Let's see…"
It was a Nimbus 2000.
"YAY!" Gendo screamed, wetting himself. "A NEW BROOM! Thank you, Rei!"
The pile 'o' presents was finished. Unit 01 finished roasting the Kangaroo, and everybody ate.
Do you people know how good roasted Kangaroo is? Seriously, do you, It's great! It's-
BANG!
"And now, we present Gendo with ONE. FINAL PRESENT! FROM HIS SON, SHINJIII!"
Gendo and Shinji walked out on stage.
"Here, daddy."
"Thank you, son."
Shinji handed our Birthday Bastard a card, which had it's envelope destroyed quite quickly.
The card contained two items. The first was a picture of Misato, Asuka, and Rei doing the playboy thing.
Streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch…
The second was a land deed.
"You asked for it, father, so I provide." Shinji smiled, doing the Kawouru thing.
"S-Shinji…" Gendo sobbed "You s-shouldn't have… THANK YOU, SON!" The Birthday Bastard cried, throwing his arms around his son. "I LOVE YOU TOO, DAD!" Shinji cried, returning the hug.
Shinji gave Gendo Australia.
"Now," Gendo announced, regaining his composure "We're being turned into a psychiatric hospital."
"GASP!"
"No protests allowed." Gendo sighed. "The government's making me do it."
"Hehehehehehehehe…" Kawouru chuckled. Everything was going according to the senario…
NEW DIVIDER! YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT!
Kawouru strutted down to newly appointed Sex Therapist Misato Katsuragi's office.
(Cue Ode to Joy)
"Miss Katsuragi…" Kawouru did the seductive thing, making several people do the fangirl thing.
"Ah, Tabris." Misato sighed, annoyed. "Come on in. Let's get this over with."
"Now, why don't I show you over to the bath…" Our seductive angel smiled. "Come on, don't be shy…"
They both sat in the tub.
"STRIKE!" Kawouru shouted, jumping on top of Misato, only to be reppelled. He tried to retreat, but he foundthat he couldn't go back. Misato's hand had Tallywhacker in a firm grasp.
(Cue Ode to Joy finale)
"Is this what you want?" Kawouru asked looking desperate.
(Zoom in on the water in the tub, showing nothing but the water. A lone Trojan drifted by.)
(Ode to Joy finishes)
'Rrrip'
'Splash'
(Cue Canon in D, orchestra version)
PSYCH WARD ONE END!
That's it, folks. I can't say a thing. It's rated M for a reason, aye?
Give me no shit, I'll give you none.
Bye,
God of Epyon
'Rrrip'
'Splash'