Moonlight, Chapter 1 of Radiance

Burning November

He is so beautiful in the moonlight. It is just like a pleasing spotlight on him; not too soft and not too harsh.

Just right.

Just... him.

And he does not know that I study him like this. All he knows is that I am silent and thinking while he is talking and we are walking in the park.

He does not think I'm listening sometimes.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a wall," he sighs.

"Ritsuka, I promise. I am always listening. I love you."

And as he is talking and smiling charmingly and glancing up at me every few moments, I am thinking about this particular night.

This particular night, he is glowing. Delight, satisfaction, love - they are all his tonight.

Yet I know he is hiding something from me. I do not know what it is and I do not know what to expect. I do not even have a prediction whether it's bad or good.

He chews on his lip between sentences as if he is unsure of himself. He usually is so decided and brave.

But I disregard this. Because Ritsuka is glowing. He is glowing in the moonlight.

"You're positive it's been three years, Soubi?" Ritsuka asks me; he questions me.

I smile from his uncertainty.

"Yes, this is the exact day I met you for the first time at your school."

He throws his head back gently to gaze up at the starry night sky, almost like he's trying to search for a way to make the statement more believable.

I am not hurt that he does not remember.

Because knowing is enough. Knowing that he-

"We have known each other for three years..." he trails off, sounding almost like he's in awe. "Three years."

I cannot help it. The words push themselves out.

"I love you, Ritsuka."

He is chewing on his lip when I quickly glance at him. And then he turns his head toward mine and his autumn eyes say it all.

He does not need to speak, does not need to respond.

Knowing is enough.

Knowing that he loves me.

...

We have taken a seat on a park bench near a serene pond. It reflects the moonlight so perfectly. But it does not glow as much as my Ritsuka.

No. It does not even glow. It kindles.

He glows.

And he tells the stars in amazement, "Three years."

But he is still hiding something behind that lip secured between his teeth.

I wanted to make the day memorable for him, even if he didn't remember the date.

I urged him to take the day off today, telling him it was important. He hesitantly complied after he tried to argue with me. But I promised it was going to be worth his while.

Then I asked him, "Ritsuka, if there were anything you would like to do today, what would it be?"

And he said, "Make memories."

So we did.

And we went together to the familiar park. And we took pictures.

And we conversed.

And we went under the comforting shadow of the big oak tree and we kissed,

and I whispered little nothings in his sweet, little ear:

that I love him,

that I am his,

that I cherish him.

Looking back from now, age and experience slowly eased Ritsuka's disarray for me as time continued to tick. He can now accept my showing of affection.

He knew I would not want to – could not - stop myself anyway.

Even so, I was gentle with him today and settled my desire for him until I felt that the moment was right to kiss him.

In a way, I wanted to thank Ritsuka.

He never left me.

And I know

that he loves me.

I did not want to give Ritsuka a present for our three years. I knew a memory would mean much more.

"Soubi, let me take a picture of you. But you have to smile! A real smile, too!" He warned me and looked at me with commanding, but soothing eyes.

"You are ordering me to, Ritsuka?"

"I'm ordering you to smile in this picture."

He stared at me.

I nodded and smiled inside, glad he was ordering me. Then he took the camera out of his pocket and aimed the lens directly for my face.

I knew the trick.

So before he took the picture, I focused my eyes on him.

And that was all I needed.

Flash.

"There! Now I have photographic evidence of your smile!"

He sounded so triumphant and still so serious, yet glad.

And inside, I was smiling.

And then he was smiling, his lighthearted smile.

And we were both smiling.

One on the inside and one out.

And that was enough.

So we were still and we were quiet and we were sharing a warm, summer afternoon under a big, oak tree in the park.

"Why today, Soubi?" He asked, reverting his head to face mine as he put his camera back in his pocket. "Why did you want me to skip school today? Why was today so important?"

I returned his gaze and struggled to prepare an answer in my mind.

I was hesitating to tell him the truth because I only wanted this day to indirectly thank him. But I did not want him to be suspicious either.

So I confessed.

"It has been three years since we met, Ritsuka," I said as subtly as I could.

He blinked and his lips parted everso slightly, but he was silent.

Then he nodded.

"Happy three year anniversary of knowing each other, Soubi."

"Happy three year anniversary, Ritsuka."

And he was glowing, under the shadow of the big oak tree.

Now we were just walking, nothing but pure silence between us.

It was a tense silence, though. An anxious silence.

As if something needed to be said, but was being second-guessed in apprehension.

I still had no guesses as to what it could be.

But he was glowing, so I forgot.

"I should take you home now, Ritsuka, before it gets any later."

He acted surprised when I spoke his name and quickly jerked his head back toward mine, staring at me with dilated pupils as if I had awoke him from a deep sleep.

"Ah- Oh, well- No, it's not that late yet. I'll just come up with an excuse for mother when she asks. And, anyway- Ah..." he pulled his lip between his teeth to chew on it again.

"Yes, Ritsuka?"

"Ah..." he began again, but then swept his head away to the opposite side of me. "It-it's nothing."

I did not know what to say.

But I tried.

"Ritsuka, you can tell me. Please, tell me."

He pretended to rub dust off of his fingernails and bowed his head lower and lower until his hair completely masked his face.

"It's our third year since we met, right?" he whispered to the ground.

"Yes, our third year since we met."

"Well... I'm... I'm ready."

"You're ready? For what, Ritsuka?"

"I'm ready. I'm ready for you to take my ears."