so as of three hours now, i'm aware that an old online gf of mine has committed suicide a week ago. her birthday was coming up and i randomly thought of her. she had anorexia. she liked my fics. i liked her. i miss her so much. i finally stopped crying and wrote this. it's almost 4 am where i am. i miss her. please hold onto your friendships and love everyone you love and tell them. because i never got to tell her. a lot of these messages are real messages between the two of us. this is how i'm allowing myself to miss her. i wrote her a fic. something she loved. how we met. i miss you. i'm so sorry.
stay alive.
-dianna
new chat message with mackerelboy!
accept or deny?
" "
rinmatsuoka accepted your friend request!
" "
rinmatsuoka: who is this?
mackerelboy: haru nice to meet you
rinmatsuoka: ? hi i'm rin i guess what's up?
mackerelboy: i like your fanfictions
rinmatsuoka: omG THANK YOU! which ones do you read?
mackerelboy: all of them
rinmatsuoka: REALLY? THAT'S SO SWEET THANK YOU
mackerelboy: yeah i saw you had a tumblr so i wanted to say that
rinmatsuoka: well thank you lol really i don't really like any of my fanfictions to be honest
mackerelboy: ? whatttttt
rinmatsuoka: lol yeah but really thank you for liking them
mackerelboy: well no problem i guess haha
mackerelboy: sorry i have to go now sorry
" "
rinmatsuoka followed you back!
" "
rinmatsuoka: wyd?
mackerelboy: oh hii uhm nothing much trying to study i guess
rinmatsuoka: what class?
mackerelboy: english it's my worst subject lol
rinmatsuoka: oh i'm really good at english maybe i can help!
mackerelboy: of course you're really good i've read your fanfics before remember
rinmatsuoka: i could still be bad at english though
mackerelboy: doubt it haha
rinmatsuoka: do you want help?
mackerelboy: no i'm fine but thank you for asking anyway
rinmatsuoka: no problem! if you ever need help with something ask me :)))
mackerelboy: thank you i guess haha
rinmatsuoka: did that sound too creepy sorry i get overly enthusiastic sometimes
mackerelboy: no it's fine it's just weird talking to you i've loved your fics for so long
rinmatsuoka: stop saying shit like that you're making me blush omg
mackerelboy: Oh No
rinmatsuoka: shush
rinmatsuoka: shit sorry i have to go ttyl okay?
mackerelboy: sure sounds cool
" "
rinmatsuoka|
not feeling so hot today sorry guys i know i promised an update but i literally just want to kill myself and i don't know it's been hard i'm sorry i'll update when i can
" "
mackerelboy: hey i know we just started talking but i would miss you if you died
mackerelboy: like i have 13 followers on here and you're one of them and i don't really talk that much to people but i know i like talking to you
rinmatsuoka: omg wow. thank you. shit i'm crying i'm pathetic lol. but really thank you. i like talking to you too.
mackerelboy: what makes you sad? i'm sad too. a lot of things make me sad. lol sorry
rinmatsuoka: don't apologize. i'm sorry you're sad as well. and idk. everything really. i don't know it's stupid sorry i'm stupid
mackerelboy: you're not stupid
mackerelboy: trust me you aren't. you are smart and kind and nice and funny and you write amazing stories and some of the messages you wrote in your story made me feel loved and you are so thoughtful and i've lowkey had a fanboy crush on you for a while now and just
mackerelboy: yeah
mackerelboy: shit sorry that sounds so creepy now that i'm reading it again i'm sorry i don't mean to creep you out i just wanted to tell you that if you can be like "loved" (liked?) that much by me i can't imagine how loved you are by your friends and family. you're loved and you should definitely stay alive and just thank you for helping me stay alive with your stories
mackerelboy: sorry lol
rinmatsuoka: please don't ever be sorry for what you just wrote because that was beautiful and i'm crying thank you so so so so SOOO much. that means so much and yeah you're right and i just get so sad sometimes i don't know i don't know how i was able to save your life with my stupid stories but i'm so glad i did because i'm so glad we're having this conversation right now and just yeah thank you i'm overwhelmed rn tbh lmao
mackerelboy: your stories aren't stupid and neither are you
rinmatsuoka: thank you. really. thank you so much. fuck thank youuuu
mackerelboy: Jno problem. i'm here to talk to. thank you for writing the stories in the first place.
rinmatsuoka: well :)) i try haha. and same goes to you. about being here to talk to. if you ever feel sad or something tell me okay? thank you
mackerelboy: will do
" "
mackerelboy|
the water feels tainted i am tainted i deserve to die i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself so much no one loves me i don't deserve anything i hate what i look like i hate food i hate existing
" "
rinmatsuoka: stay alive. much love
mackerelboy: i'm still here. thank you. thank you.
rinmatsuoka: i'm always going to be here for you. thank you.
mackerelboy: yeah
" "
mackerelboy: favorite color?
rinmatsuoka: uhm red i guess idk. you?
mackerelboy: blue. like water.
rinmatsuoka: cool. secret about yourself?
mackerelboy: i hate english. you?
rinmatsuoka: hey no fair that's not a secret you loser. lol uhm. i can't sleep without my pillow idk
mackerelboy: aw that's cute
rinmatsuoka: shut up
" "
mackerelboy: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MENTIONED ME IN YOUR COMMENTS OF YOUR NEW FIC
rinmatsuoka: ;) ;) ;) ;)
mackerelboy: WHY AM I GAINING FOLLOWERS DAMNIT RIN
rinmatsuoka: o
mackerelboy: -_-
rinmatsuoka: lol
mackerelboy: leave me alone
rinmatsuoka: never
" "
rinmatsuoka: HARU YOU'RE CUTE WTF
mackerelboy: wait what. what are you talking about what
rinmatsuoka: i FOUND YOUR FACEBOOK AND YOU'RE CUTE I'M
mackerelboy: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU FIND MY FACEBOOK
rinmatsuoka: oMG YOU SWIM?
mackerelboy: yEAH?
rinmatsuoka: I DO TOOOOO
mackerelboy: WAIT REALLY WHAT TYPE?!
rinmatsuoka: free and butterfly. :)) you?
mackerelboy: i only swim free
rinmatsuoka: it's so cool that you swim and are cute that's so cool
mackerelboy: why is me being cute so cool?
rinmatsuoka: ;)
mackerelboy: RIN
rinmatsuoka: ;)
mackerelboy: ugh i'm blocking you bye
rinmatsuoka: nuuuu come back please i miss you ;)
mackerelboy: stop winking then
rinmatsuoka: ;)
mackerelboy: BYE
rinmatsuoka: ;)
rinmatsuoka: haruuuuu
rinmatsuoka: ugh fine i see how it is be mean to mean then fineeeee
rinmatsuoka: ;) ?
rinmatsuoka: you suck bye i'm gonna bash you in the my next fic i'm gonna write an entire fic about how much you suck
rinmatsuoka: ;)
rinmatsuoka: harruuuuu
rinmatsuoka: finneee i'll stop
mackerelboy: thank god finally
rinmatsuoka: ;)
rinmatsuoka: shit sorry lol
rinmatsuoka: haruuu i said i was sorry come back
rinmatsuoka: :((
rinmatsuoka: fine ugh bye
rinmatsuoka: also are we not going to talk about the fact that your name is actually haruka because lol that's a girl's name
mackerelboy: whatever "rin"
rinmatsuoka: fuck off
mackerelboy: ;)
" "
mackerelboy: not feeling so good right now :/
rinmatsuoka: why what's up i'm sorry what's wrong
mackerelboy: haven't eaten in a while i'm kind of hungry idk
rinmatsuoka: then eat?
mackerelboy: i don't want to rin
rinmatsuoka: wait why
rinmatsuoka: haru?
rinmatsuoka: haru please answer me what's wrong?
mackerelboy: talk to you later bye rin
rinmatsuoka: haru…
rinmatsuoka: okay. ttyl i guess
" "
mackerelboy: sorry about last time btw
rinmatsuoka: no it's fine
rinmatsuoka: what was wrong though are you not eating?
rinmatsuoka: haru
mackerelboy: i don't like to eat
mackerelboy: i'm too fat and ugly and i don't even deserve to eat like so many people don't get to eat why should i have to?
rinmatsuoka: haru no. please no. you need to eat something have you eaten something?
mackerelboy: sort of idk
rinmatsuoka: what did you eat?
mackerelboy: i had a bite of mackerel but i think it wasn't cooked all the way or something idk i threw it up right afterwards and drank some water
rinmatsuoka: is that all? haru please. eat when you can.
mackerelboy: ok
mackerelboy: hey i'm going to go now bye
rinmatsuoka: i'm sorry i'm so shit at saying stuff like this
rinmatsuoka: bye talk to you later :/
" "
mackerelboy: my parents got mad at me
rinmatsuoka: why?
mackerelboy: they made my favorite dinner but i didn't eat it and then they yelled at me for being lazy and not eating and i don't think they like the fact that i'm gay either idk i can't tell yet and just idk i just am not hungry i'm just not hungry why can't they get that?
rinmatsuoka: when was the last time you ate?
mackerelboy: i ate breakfast yesterday. i ate half of an apple. it tasted weird though
rinmatsuoka: have you told your parents this, haru?
mackerelboy: they don't need to know so no
rinmatsuoka: haru
mackerelboy: rin
rinmatsuoka: haru please tell them please tell them you'll tell them
mackerelboy: i might idk i gtg bye
rinmatsuoka: bye :/
" "
mackerelboy: i told them
rinmatsuoka: that's great :)
mackerelboy: i guess
mackerelboy: bye
" "
rinmatsuoka: hey i know it's been a while but how are you
mackerelboy: idk
mackerelboy: fine i guess i'm listening to music
rinmatsuoka: oh cool! what are you listening to?
mackerelboy: i don't want to tell you
rinmatsuoka: :( why not?
mackerelboy: you'll make fun of me
rinmatsuoka: no i won't i swear
rinmatsuoka: i'm listening to cyndi lauper rn if it makes you feel better
rinmatsuoka: girls just wanna have fun
rinmatsuoka: lmao i hate myself haha
rinmatsuoka: haru?
rinmatsuoka: are you okay haru?
mackerelboy: shit sorry i got distracted. yeah i'm fine. you?
rinmatsuoka: idk still here i guess. gonna update ff soon :)
mackerelboy: yayy
rinmatsuoka: yeah J
mackerelboy: well i'll read it when it comes out swear
rinmatsuoka: you better imam dedicate the chapter to you ;)
mackerelboy: again with the winking what a goddamn flirt
rinmatsuoka: lol damn rite
mackerelboy: stop
rinmatsuoka: but i'm funny
mackerelboy: no
rinmatsuoka: i'm funny!
mackerelboy: blocked
rinmatsuoka: same
" "
mackerelboy: so i sort of have a crush on you idk sorry i just thought you should know sorry and after reading the last a/n in your last update i kind of want to kiss you too
rinmatsuoka: i would kiss you too if i could
mackerelboy: yeah
rinmatsuoka: we can have like chat sex? is that a thing? like sexting but over tumblr chat lol?
rinmatsuoka: i'm kidding btw
mackerelboy: oh are you?
rinmatsuoka: yes. i really am. lol
mackerelboy: surreeeeeee
rinmatsuoka: leave me aloneee
mackerelboy: also i'm on mobile rn so it's basically sexting like you know if we were gonna do that and shit
mackerelboy: which we're not
rinmatsuoka: yeah
rinmatsuoka: anyway bye like you a lot
mackerelboy: like you a lot too
rinmatsuoka: :)
" "
rinmatsuoka: like you a lot
mackerelboy: like you a lot too :))))
rinmatsuoka: xxxxxx
mackerelboy: xxxxxxxxxxXXXXXXXXXXXXX
rinmatsuoka: same
" "
skype call ended
rin_matsuoka: hoLY SHIT
harukananase: I KNOW
rin_matsuoka: that was INTENSE I LIKE YOU SO MUCH
harukananse: I LIKE YOU TOO
rin_matsuoka: YAY
harukananse: geek
rin_matsuoka: your geek ;) ;) ;) ;)
harukananase: again with that fucking winking GOODBYE I'M DIVORCING YOU
rin_matsuoka: oMG WE'RE MARRIED?
harukananse: ;)
rin_matsuoka: i hate you omg
harukananse: ;)
" "
mackerelboy: it's bad again
rinmatsuoka: shit haru no please no
rinmatsuoka: i like you a lot haru
mackerelboy: i can't really do anything either like i'm just not hungry and i feel so disgusting? i'm so fuCKING DISGUSTING?
rinmatsuoka: you aren't you aren't you are beautiful you are a bEAUTIFUL human being with the most gorgeous smile and the most beautiful eyes and the most wonderful personality and i'm so glad we're boyfriends (sort of idk i just know i like you so much i like you a lot, remember?)
mackerelboy: please stop lying to me
rinmatsuoka: i'm not lying to you i swear haru i like you so fucking much it scares me and we live so far away from each other and i just i LIKE YOU A LOT
mackerelboy: ok
rinmatsuoka: when did you eat last?
mackerelboy: why do you care?
rinmatsuoka: haru. please don't do that
mackerelboy: well it's not your fucking business okay
rinmatsuoka: haruka pLEASE
mackerelboy: bye rin i don't really want to talk to you right now
rinmatsuoka: okay. i'll give you some space. i'm sorry. i like you a lot.
rinmatsuoka: :/
" "
rinmatsuoka: i miss you
rinmatsuoka: it's been a week haru are you okay?
rinmatsuoka: talk to me when you want to okay
rinmatsuoka: like you a lot
" "
rinmatsuoka: i like you a lot so much remember
" "
rinmatsuoka: i went swimming today and thought of you you're so phenomenal haru you really are i'm so happy we're together miss you
" "
rinmatsuoka: it's been almost 2 weeks now. talk to me when you can sorry for what i said then.
rinmatsuoka: i just want you to be happy
" "
sorry! you cannot view this profile.
" "
rin_matsuoka: haru, did you block me on tumblr?
rin_matsuoka: haru what did i do i'm sorry
rin_matsuoka: i like you a lot
rin_matsuoka: i'm sorry
" "
…mackerelboy
…this user is not following you
" "
are you sure you want to unfollow mackerelboy?
yes no
{yes}
" "
what's the date today – Google Search
what happened on June 30th in history? – Google Search
rinmatsuoka – Yahoo Mail
it's his birthday – Google Search
how do i get over someone – Google Search
fuck you – Google Search
mackerelboy. tumblr .com – loading
mackerelboy. tumblr .com
" "
mackerelboy|
about to get better. will miss you all. especially you.
" "
mackerelboy. tumblr archive
mackerelboy. tumblr post/182838475/in-hospital-sorry-guys-rin
mackerelboy. tumblr post/172863787/not-anymore-bye-everyone
" "
rinmatsuoka: haru no
rinmatsuoka: fuKC UCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
rinmatsuoka: HARUKA WHAT THE FUCK NO
rinmatsuoka: no please don't be dead i miss you so much haru please don't be dead please don't be dead
rinmatsuoka: haru please
rinmatsuoka: i like you a lot
rinmatsuoka: haru it's been a year now haru please i miss you so much
rinmatsuoka: PLEASE
rinmatsuoka: please don't be a "was" be an "is" please you are amazing it's not you used to be amazing you're supposed to still be amazing please ahary fuck fu kc ufkc ufkc fuck fuck
rinmatsuoka: fuck yfiahfkc fuck fucj harr please haru pekase no pelease
rinmatsuoka: please
rinmatsuoka: FUCK
rinmatsuoka: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKAFKLAFS FUCK
rinmatsuoka: i'm sorry id din't talk to you more i love you fuck i love you fuck i love you so much
rinmatsuoka: i miss you
rinmatsuoka: please
" "
rinmatsuoka: i miss you so much
" "
rinmatsuoka: when did you unblock me?
" "
rinmatsuoka: i like you so much i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you
" "
rinmatsuoka: i never even got to hold your hand
" "
Delete Account|
Now just a minute.
Are you sure you want to delete your whole account? You'll lose everything. Usernames, themes, the love we shared, likes, messages, and everything you've ever posted will be gone forever.
If you're sure, confirm by logging in below.
rinmatsuoka yahoo. com
password
Delete everything.
living is worth it
-DiAnna44
(also this type of fic on ff. net isn't allowed so it might be taken down so this fic is also on ao3)