Author's Notes: I really don't know what the crap I was thinking. This turned out really lame….I dunno I wanted to do a Nny rant and talk about Todd a bit. Cause I can. Yes, yes I know no one will ever read this but I feel like posting, to prove that I do in fact live and no I'm still not getting any of my other fics done cause I'm lazy!
Disclaimer: I'm not Jhonen, you can tell by my lack of eloquence. So don't sue me…although, Jhonen-sama can if it means I get to met him! I have enough monies to buy you a brainfreezie Jhonen!
Dirty
I cannot stand the feeling of touch. Either to touch or to be touched, both are disgusting. Yet, it is only Human nature to touch, to fill one's voids with physical self-assurance that can only be granted by another human being. I do not wish to be a human. I don't want these emotions plaguing me. It would be so much better if all my voids would just grow into each other and create one big hole and suck me up into it. And then I would no longer have to be.
But I do live, and the voids do not merge they only prick me, constantly reminding me of what they desire, and what I do not. My mind has never once felt the need to validate my existence by touching another person. Because, although my primitive body has yet to realize this, touch is empty. Even emptier than the voids. Because once the hole is filled, it devours that feeling and stabilizes the hole. Leaving me with stronger doubt and the need to do it again. And again and again and again. And then you can never stop. Because you become a slave to touch. To warmth.
I'd so much rather be cold. Coldness numbs you, and soon enough, the bothersome itch of the holes fades and you can no longer feel their presence begging you to obey. And in this way you become free.
The only thing I want is freedom. My only desire is to be free from desire. To evolve beyond what humanity considers natural and reach the farthest point in heaven. I want to have fulfillment in emptiness. I want everything, in nothing. I want to waste away and still keep my life.
Life. Such a dirty word. A horrible word. A four letter word. How I despise it. Not that death is much better, though it is much more entertaining…at least when the death is not my own.
At this point, I'm too cold to die, its useless either way, so why not live and think? What I am I guess would be called a living corpse. Not a vampire. Not a gothic legend, no phantom of the night. Not a zombie either. I just exist. I have to…live…life.
So very, very dirty
So that is why I clean. I clean people! I wash them with their blood. And in that way their lives leave them. It's not like those dirty people were even using their lives for anything productive anyway. No, all of them only cared about mundane minutiae. In essence, touch. Or the things that will garner them attention and then more touch. It always seems to lead to that with people.
How very, very dirty
But their lives always do one good thing, serve one final purpose. You see, in the moment, right before the little sparkle leaves their eyes, their life shines! Oh how it shines! Flashes so brightly and magnificently I find myself at a lack of superlatives to describe it. I supposed it's one of those things that you need to see for yourself. Brilliant though! Absolutely brilliant. The way it glows and flickers away. Then all that is left is the shell, covered in blood, which has held the life in the person. And the shell just looks
So very, very dirty
And I still feel so empty. The pretty light brings me so much joy though! It's what keeps me going. The screams of pain, the curses, the pleads, then the finale! Like a play, enacted again and again. And in all it's morbid darkness it lets me become colder, freezes me to a state where it seems I no longer exist within time, but as time. I do not seem to age, I never seem to get caught, and I also never sleep.
Humans cannot do these things. It defies logic, psychics, God. Which always makes me grin just a little bit more. Because I don't like God. He's rude. I've been to heaven and even though I try to block it from my memory, I still remember what I thought when I went up there and saw all those stupid people doing nothing.
How very, very dirty
And hell, that was even worse. Satan is no favorite of mine either. I'm sure the same can be said of him about me. But really, all of those useless people! Trying to live life again! Trying to reenact what has already come and gone. Trying to touch when they should no longer feel the need to do it.
So very, very dirty
Which makes me wonder sometimes, why I continue to send more people down there? Not that it really matters, more damned souls in hell never changes anything. I just pray, to that lawn gnome of a God up there, that I never die. Because I wouldn't ever want to spend eternity with either group of idiots. Heaven or hell. It doesn't matter, both are the same. They just call themselves different names.
How very, very dirty
I could kill anyone. So long as they provide me with the right…motivation. You see, I'm not random, I have a method behind my madness. I chooses only those who are complete wastes of skin. The tittering morons so caught up in their stupidity they fail to realize just how dumb they really are. So I take that life away, because it was going to waste, might as well make use of it. Oh those pretty little glimmers! So very enchanting and yet when I remember they are bred from life, they're just
So very, very dirty
I've never met a person I can't kill, or wouldn't kill. Or have I? I might have, at one time. It's hard to remember things. Every second that passes seems like a thousand years. There was a person, such a little person. I liked him. I don't really like too many people you know. It hurts sometimes to remember theses things…such big eyes, and he always looked so scared. That's when you know someone values life. When they truly fear the lose of it.
How very, very dirty
But you can't frown on someone who genuinely loves life. Who is so afraid someone might take it away from them…he had a bear…it talked, said things, so many things, lies! So many lies! The manifestation of all of the fear that little boy had…he reminded me of someone else. But that someone I really cannot remember. Maybe myself, but I do not think I was ever that small, that afraid, that senseless. I can't remember a time where I thought life to be clean and nice. So, to me life has always been
So very, very dirty.
Poor little creature though, the little boy was. You can't kill someone like that…their life will never glimmer for you. They don't sparkle the way fools do. They only extinguish like a candle and are no more…not even a wisp of smoke to remember that they ever lived.
You don't find many of those kinds of people. So instead I just smiled at him…I remember clearer now. I think I might've traumatized him. That's good though, it's keeps the lust for life alive in you, and at the same time allows you to avoid the want of touch. Something I wish I could do. I wish I could yearn to live, to want never to die. To revel in the carnal beauty of existing with vivacity. What was I talking about? Oh yes, the little creature, now what was his name. It was a sound, it made me laugh a little when I heard it, maybe that's why I always went out of my way to scare the poor little thing…he made that funny noise…Squee… that was it! I called him Squee! I can't remember his real name. It doesn't matter anyway though. I left that place. I left the poor Squee child. It's better this way. No homicidal maniacs around to help you manifest even more demons to live under your bed is always for the best. I would say I miss him, but I don't feel those things...I don't feel. I don't, I can't. Poor little creature. I really shouldn't have left him all alone like that. But eventually he would have to be all alone, so it doesn't matter…maybe one day I'll go back, see little Squee…see how much this world has tainted him. I wonder if he let it win. I wonder, is he dirty yet? Probably, but please little Squee person, be only a little bit
Dirty