"Er," Alfred began diplomatically, "this is very romantic, Prussia, but…um. How do I say this."
Prussia gave him a devious grin. "You don't need to say anything!"
"I…no," Alfred said decisively, "I really think I do."
"Nah, it's all cool." Gilbert laid down his sword and flipped his hand at America. "Seriously, I've got it taken care of!"
"…got what taken care of?" Now Alfred was nervous.
"Your present for our anniversary! I couldn't think of what to get you because I don't really do presents, you know? But then it hit me." There was a pause where America licked his lips apprehensively. "Literally," Prussia added after a moment.
Oh, fuck. America folded his hands and looked sternly at his significant other of one year today, Gilbert. He'd been dreading the anniversary for this single reason – whatever Prussia pulled out was likely to be ridiculous, over the top, offensive, and illegal in at least sixteen countries. And while the first three were right up his alley, 'illegal' didn't usually make a good present. An exciting one, but not necessarily a good one."Okay. What did you get me that requires a sword?"
"Not just a sword," Gilbert snapped. "It's my sword of justice. Do you know how many motherfuckers I have put into place with this sword? I have had every nation in the goddamn world cower in front of this sword."
America was slightly confused. "So…you want me…cowering on the floor right now?"
"What? No, shut up. That's not what I meant. I was just giving you some awesome backstory. This is your present, after all! Now, stay right here."
Prussia's grin was positively demonic. Alfred swallowed tightly and sat in his seat, overriding his instinct to get the hell away from his boyfriend who was very clearly in 'conquer and destroy' mode. A few minutes passed, and America grew bored and started doodling explicit cartoons on the margins of his paperwork. He was in the middle of shading in a scene involving Prussia, candy, steel cable and a bearskin rug when a rough scuffle erupted in the hallway. "Gilbert? You okay?" he called out absentmindedly, trying to work out how to downsize Gilbert's vital regions to cartoon form.
"Mhmm," came the strained reply. There was an odd choking noise that made America narrow his eyes and look up. A familiar albino head popped around the doorframe and gave him a smile that was all teeth and red eyes. "Close your eyes."
Alfred gave him a distrustful look. Gilbert replied with an impatient snort and a snap of, "Are you always this paranoid?"
Alfred closed his eyes and let his lips quirk up into a smile. "Only around the mentally unstable."
"Oh, fuck you." There was the sound of Gilbert hauling something. Maybe a large box, America guessed. "Russia is so far ahead of me in insanity it isn't even funny. Christ, even England's more batshit than me."
"Uh-huh," Alfred laughed. "Says the man who once drilled three holes into his ear because he wanted piercings but didn't want to have them done 'the pussy way.'"
"That's not insane! That's just badass. Okay, hang on. It's not cooperating…ouch, dammit…okay, open!"
Alfred opened his eyes…and promptly jerked backwards in shock. "WHAT THE FUCK?"
"I know," said Gilbert, with a pleased grin.
He was standing over America's present, holding his sword. To be more precise, he was holding his sword to a bound and gagged China's throat, the sharp edge of the blade just barely indenting the Asian man's skin. Yao, for his part, had been forced on his knees. His arms and legs were heavily laden with chains and then looped tightly together with rope for good measure.
America repeated his sentiment a second time. Gilbert shrugged modestly and, clearly proud of himself, said, "It wasn't even that hard!"
Yao, from his position on the floor, shot the Prussian a filthy look. Gilbert responded by snarling and pressing the blade a little harder, until a several beads of blood appeared and Yao started looking nervous. "Oh my God what the fuck stop it holy FUCK!" America screeched, and he went scrambling over his desk, papers scattering everywhere in his haste to get to his 'gift'. "Gilbert! What is this!"
"Okay, so you know how China's been all up on your ass about debts?" Gilbert asked.
"!" America said, because at this point he was past coherency.
"Welllll," Prussia continued, ignoring America's noises, "I decided this needed to be solved the real way."
"Real way?" Alfred questioned weakly.
"Look, back when everybody still had balls, if a nation pissed you off, you hunted them down like a fucking fox, beat them within an inch of the lives, dragged them back to your home, forced them into slavery, and beat their sorry asses again! I knew you wouldn't take the initiative with China here, being all goody-two-shoes, but he was getting all pushy and you were getting stressed out and I decided to settle things the old fashioned way."
"That's…a lot of italics," Alfred said. Then, "Wait. You did this for me?"
Prussia squinted at him. "Are you stupid? If it's your damn present, of course I did it for you! A little sneak attack, a surprise cloth with chloroform, and he was mine." Gilbert flashed another all-tooth smile.
"You did this because I was feeling stressed and you noticed?" Alfred asked.
"Yup," Prussia affirmed. "Look, nobody's allowed to stress you out or upset you except me, okay? Because that's totally unacceptable, since you belong to me."
"That…that…" America stared at his boyfriend, then at China, bound and gagged, then back at his boyfriend. "That is so fucking hot."
He attacked Prussia, slamming him into a wall and forcing Gilbert to drop the sword. Which was okay, because it was quickly followed by both nation's shirts. "I don't belong to you," America added petulantly as he broke off their searing kiss to gasp for air and regroup.
"Yes…you…do," Gilbert snarled, and flung him backwards, against the desk. Before Alfred could get up Gilbert had followed and was on top of him, hands and teeth and tongue everywhere, biting and nipping and leaving marks wherever he could. He was still feeling rather victorious from his attack on China, and it had awakened old stirrings to claim other nations as his own. Specifically, the most powerful nation, who he conveniently happened to be in a relationship with.
"Hnng," Alfred managed in protest. "Gilbert, wait, there's…oh fuck do that again!"
Gilbert grinned against America's neck and ground their hips together again. He was rewarded with a throaty groan of approval from Alfred, whose hands came up to wind in his hair and drag their faces up to eye level again.
"Yao is still watching," America panted, his lips red and cheeks flushed. "I don't want-" he threw his head back when Gilbert's hands went down his pants and his hips bucked into Gilbert's involuntarily, eliciting a reaction from both.
"Let him watch," Gilbert said with a devious grin. "He is, after all, your present."
Alfred was too undone to argue that point, and anyway several seconds later Gilbert and Alfred had made lurching progress out of America's study and were headed for his bedroom.
Yao, left chained in the study, shifted uncomfortably. His arms and legs hurt from lack of blood and his throat was stinging a bit from the cut. He felt exhausted and wanted only to sleep. Unfortunately, the vocal appreciation of Gilbert's ministrations began to ring out in the bedroom above him, rather loudly and with increasing volume and pleasure.
God dammit, Yao thought with a sigh, and resigned himself to a long night.
. . . . .. .. .. .. . . . . .
/Author's Notes!
Lol yes. Cracky fic of the pairing I love best :D
This story has a few of all my favorite elements – Alfred being intelligent (fanfiction depicting him as just a stupid ass drive me up the wall), Gilbert being smart/snarky (fics where he's just so depressed/horny all the time also drive me nuts), Protective!Gilbert, and sexytimes.
And this only took me a day to write! Huzzah!
Also, Yao's calmness makes me laugh. He is old and wise and he knows that it's useless to try and do anything.
(I wonder what America's boss will think when he gets the paperwork with drawings…)